MCNEILL'S TAKE Haven't We Met Before? McNEILL Previews Sunday's WWE One Night Stand! May 31, 2008 - 10:00:24 PM

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By Pat McNeill, Torch Columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for this month's WWE pay-per-view projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are made by myself and for myself with absolutely no assistance from Crazy Vince McMahon and the Incredibly Popular and Loyal WWE Creative Team. Projections are not predictions. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a set of Oneida flatware. Oneida, patterns for a lifetime, guaranteed forever. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. These predictions are based on what the columnist would do if he had creative control over WWE except for the part where he'd have to pretend not to have read the new Ring of Hell book.

We here at McNeill's Take could have sworn we already previewed this show. Most of the matches this Sunday night are actually rematches from one of the last two WWE pay-per-views. Of course, a rising percentage of fans may not be aware of Sunday's lineup because they have opted out of WWE television. And yes, we still have the same six to eight guys headlining WWE television and pay-per-views, and three main champions who have been headlining for over a decade. Plus, there are rumors floating around that the Smackdown writers were told to do nothing storyline-wise until the return of Michael Hayes. Why, no, this isn't repetitive at all.

On the Pre-Show: If you somehow missed the final segment of Smackdown, the one with Undertaker visiting "The Cutting Edge," you'll see it here. And you'll get to admire Jack Korpela's fashionable outfit.

Melina Perez vs. Beth Phoenix (I Quit Match): Melina's out of the WWE Raw doghouse and is a fan favorite, primarily due to her cool ring entrance. Beth Phoenix, after all the ways she's helped put Mickie James over, is in need of a big victory. Projection? This match should be all about Melina fighting her way out of various big moves and submission predicaments until she can't fight any more. I don't even know the name of it, but Beth's double chickenwing move from OVW ought to do the trick.

Big Show vs. Chavo Guerrero vs. C.M. Punk vs. John Morrison vs. Tommy Dreamer (Singapore Cane Match): We've all heard about the concussion dangers from unprotected chairshots, but I once saw a wrestler get knocked out on an indy show from a Singapore Cane to the back of the head. Be careful out there. Projection? For crying out loud, it's the Big Show against the guys he's been slaughtering on ECW television. Show kills Dreamer with a chokeslam and earns his ECW title shot.

Jeff Hardy vs. Umaga (Falls Count Anywhere): At least we haven't heard any more about Jeff Hardy's quest to regain the WWE Intercontinental title. Hardy and Umaga have good in-ring chesmistry together. Projection? Umaga wins after Jeff misses a dangerous stunt bump. The continuation of this feud will give Jeff something to do on television for the next few weeks, so it isn't all bad.

Dave Batista vs. Shawn Michaels (Stretcher Match): Let's see. Shawn Michaels has beaten Ric Flair. He's beaten Batista and Chris Jericho. Michaels not only isn't elevation young talent, he's not even taking on the young talent in major matches. Projection? Batista powerbombs Michaels through an announce table to get the win. Somebody needs to beat Michaels so Shawn can have something to do.

John Cena vs. John Brad Shaw Layfield (First Blood Match): We all know how the "first blood" match is supposed to work. Teh heel cheats and makes the babyface bleed so the babyface can get his revenge in some other type of stipulation match. Here's the problem. Nobody wanted to see the original match, nobody wants to see the rematch and nobody wants to see a third match between these two. How about we take a hint? Projection? Cena dusts off his old gimmick, the raggedy chain, survives a Bradshaw onslaught and opens Bradshaw up to win the feud. Look for Bradshaw to be drafted by the "WWE Classics" show.

Triple H vs. Randy Orton (WWE Heavyweight Title – Last Man Standing): It seems that everyone has forgotten the reason for this match. When Orton defeated Triple H in the main event of No Mercy for the WWE title, that match was fought under "Last Man Standing" rules. You see, even though Triple H has proven himself tougher than Randy O under every pro wrestling storyline possibility, Orton is convinced that if he gets Hunter in his signature match...Yeah, I'm falling asleep just typing this. Projection? Hunter wins by ripping Orton's head clean off his shoulders. Devote the next few episdoes of Raw to doctors trying to reattach Orton's head to his shoulders. What's the worst that could happen? Are the ratings going to go down again?

The Undertaker vs. Edge (Smackdown World Heavyweight Title - Tables, Ladders & Chairs Match - Title vs. Career): This is a real main event, a tough stipulation match beween two wrestlers who have proven they'll do what it takes to deliver a great match. Projection? No way WWE has the balls to let Undertaker lose a career-ending match. For one thing, they don't have another Undertaker waiting in the wings. 'Taker wins.

Aftermath: Night of Champions, right? Let's schedule Hunter vs. Batista (hey, it's at least as fresh as Cena vs. JBL), Undertaker vs. Umaga and Kane vs. The Big Show. But the next few weeks should be built around making the Draft matter. And that's another column.

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Pat McNeill of Fairfax, Virginia has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He likes watching Gina Carano beat up scrubs. His longer, weekly column appears exclusively in the Torch Newsletter.

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