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Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive TNA Final Resolution projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are made by myself and for myself with absolutely no inside information from the soccer mom or from any scripts circulating online. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a supply of Hires Root Beer. Hires has a luscious, creamy, great taste. Since 1876, Hires is America's original root beer. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. Also remember that projections are based on what the columnist would do if he had booking control over Total Nonstop Action.

Believe it or not, this show is one of TNA's "Big Four" pay-per-views, along with Lockdown, Slammiversary and Bound for Glory. It is hard to imagine WWE approaching one of its major pay-per-views, like "Survivor Series", in such a cavalier attitude. Last night, TNA actually put on a television show with FOUR Royal Rumble…er, I mean "Gauntlet For The Gold" matches. Christian Cage won his Gauntlet match to be named the Number One Contender for the TNA Heavyweight Title. This would have meant more if Cage hadn't been awarded his TNA title shot TWO WEEKS AGO. And it wasn't even the dumbest thing on the show. That honor went to Jeremy Borash interviewing A.J. Styles's priest. That's how 1.5 million viewers become 30,000 pay-per-view buys.

Before The Show: Take the Redskins, the Steelers, the Bucs and the Titans to cover on the road.

Eric Young vs. James Storm (Drinking Championship Series): I could swear we wore out all the BCS jokes last year at this time. Eh. Projection? It's two out of three drinking games. Young wins the "Edward Forty Hands" battle to take the first fall. Storm wins at Cardinal Puff to take the second fall. The third fall is an alcohol-fueled game of strip poker (Russo can pull the script from an old episode of "Three's Company") where Crystal wins and Borash gets arrested for indecent exposure. Good times.

Latin American Exchange vs. Rock 'n Rave Infection (w/ Christy Hemme): If we must have this match, can we at least end the silly "Masked Latino" storyline? Please? Projection? Jimmy Rave eats a Gringo Killer. The Mystery Latino comes up to Hemme. Hoyt unmasks the Latino to reveal that it's a Mystery Latina, aka Shelly Martinez. A catfight ensues.

Kaz vs. Black Reign: TNA did a great job of elevating Kaz over the past two months, didn't they? Projection? Kazarian hits the Wave of the Future on Cookies 'n Cream Dust and scores the win. The less said about this the better. Is there a less scary monster heel than Black Reign?

Abyss vs. Judas Mesias (w/ James Mitchell): Why, yes, there is a less scary monster heel than Black Reign. And here he is! By the way, Abyss did a thumbtack spot on a house show last weekend. I'm guessing for the pay-per-view, Mesias will open him up with a three-hole punch. Projection? Abyss gives Mesias a ton of paper cuts, pours lemon juice on him, lights himself on fire and scores the pinfall with the Black Hole Slam.

Booker T & Sharmell Huffman vs. Robert Roode & Our Ms. Brooks: It took two months to make King Booker into the highest paid midcarder in TNA history. Congratulations! I don't know why we buy you kids those expensive toys if you're not even going to play with them. Projection? Sharmell pins Tracy Brooks. Roode fires Brooks and replaces her with Bonnie "Rain" Maxon. After running Bonnie's name through the Exotic Dancer Name Generator, we now have her new TNA gimmick, "Stormy Underwood".

Gail Kim vs. Awesome Kong (TNA Women's Title – No Disqualification): This is the best feud and storyline in TNA, probably because the bookers aren't overthinking it. Projection? Awesome Kong beats the living crap of Gail Kim. Gail hits Kong with all sorts of stuff, but the monster keeps coming, eventually finishing her off with an Awesome Bomb.

A.J. Styles & Tomko vs. Kevin Nash & Samoa Joe (TNA Tag Team Title Match): This match is an important part of "A.J. Styles Appreciation Night". Projection? Christian Cage comes to ringside to talk to Styles, distracting Samoa Joe, who goes after Cage. The champs then pin Nash with a double team.

"Black Machismo" Jay Lethal & Motorcity Machine Guns vs. Team 3-D & Johnny Devine (Ultimate X Match): Sure, we could complain about TNA watering down the whole Ultimate X concept in the match, but think of the potential hilarity of the former Dudleys trying to figure out how to pull down the entire Ultimate X structure. Projection? Rumor has it the former tag champs aren't sticking around much longer. After some table related Shenanigans, Lethal makes the crawl across the ring and recaptures his belt.

Christian Cage vs. Kurt Angle (TNA World Heavyweight Title Match): Since TNA's not even pretending this will be an even wrestling match, all we can do is guess how much interference there will be. Also, if Cage doesn't turn babyface at the end of this, it will have been a huge waste of time. Projection? Robert Roode and Karen Angle try to interfere early on. They get run off by Booker and Sharmell. Styles comes to ringside and teases getting involved, but Tomko comes out and pulls A.J. up the ramp. Scott Steiner finally comes in out of the crowd to wallop Christian with a flex bar. Angle beats Christian. Styles and Tomko comes out after the match and finish the beating on Cage, with A.J. officially turning on his former mentor for being such a huge dick.

Aftermath:Against All Odds is next month. Expect to see hundreds of paying customers flocking to Greenville to see Cage & Booker vs. Tomko & Styles, Lethal vs. Devine in a "Machismo Madness" street fight, Samoa Joe vs. Kevin Nash and the long-awaited Kurt Angle vs. Kaz return match.

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Pat McNeill of Fairfax, Virginia has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. Yes, he likes the Washington Redskins to win tomorrow's NFC playoff game. Try to act surprised. His longer "McNeill Factor" columns appear in the Torch Newsletter, and his even-longer "Real Deal w/ Pat McNeill" podcasts are uploaded weekly for Torch VIP members.


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