MCNEILL'S TAKE
McNEILL's TNA Impact Real Time Revue: Go On, Take The Money And Run!
Dec 15, 2007 - 9:48:54 PM |
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By Pat McNeill, Torch Columnist
Congratulations to the gang at TNA for spanking ECW in the ratings last week. What's more, WWE and SciFi decided they'd rather take the ratings hit of airing ECW on Christmas night instead of tangling with TNA head to head on December 27th. Now, if we can get a good show out of tonight, it would be a perfect week for the Nashville Crew.
After the recap, we learn that tonight is "Christian's Revenge". And tonight, someone's getting fired. Also, someone in the crowd made a replica of the Eric Young Beer Bottle Spinner Belt, which is both funny and sad. We pick things up with Christian Cage heading to the ring for his opening promo. Christian lets everyone know that he is a prick, and maybe he got what he deserved last week, but he's the champ, he'll always bounce back, and to screw the fans if they don't like it. He'll be finding a partner to face Kurt Angle and Robert Roode later tonight. This might be the worst babyface turn ever.
The Angles come out with Robert Roode for a rebuttal. Angle says he's the general of the Angle Alliance sick of hearing Christian talk, and he doesn't think Christian can find anyone willing to team with him tonight. Christian calls Karen Angle a woman of loose morals. Roode sort of agrees with Angle. To the back!
Jeremy Borash is standing by with tag team champion A.J. Styles and Tomko. Styles is very upset about the rift between Christian and Angle. Tomko tells A.J. he shouldn't have gone "Deion Sanders" by playing both ways. He says Styles has to choose sides. Back at ringside, Mike Tenay and Don West run down tonight's itinerary. Booker T's wrestling tonight, by the way. To the back, again!
Crystal Louthan is standing by with Petey Williams, who was not named in the Mitchell Report. Crystal explains that the next way will be a four-way "Feast, Fired, or Fifty Grand" match. The winner can swap briefcases, or trade in his briefcase for $50,000. Petey says he doesn't want the money, because his Canadian superpowers tell him that his briefcase contains the World Title shot. Dude, take the money. Petey then does a bad Arnold impression. Crystal's has brilliant white teeth, by the way.
All four opponents come out for that match. Scott Steiner is slapping hands with the kiddies. To the break! Get your tickets to "Against All Odds"!
BG James vs. Christopher Daniels vs. Petey Williams vs. Scott Steiner (Feast, Fired or $50K). There's the bell. Tenay explains the rules again as Petey goes to town on B.G. Hermie Sadler is doing commentary again this week, and Tenay puts over Hermie's appearances on a radio show which doesn't air north of the Mason-Dixon line. Petey and Scott Steiner have a posedown, and then do dueling pushups. This breaks down into a veritable tag match as James and Daniels are also working together. Whoops. Daniels turns on James. Everyone hits their finisher, ending with Steiner hitting a belly-to-belly on Petey for the win.
Jeremy Borash hops into the ring for "Deal or No Deal". Steiner can take the $50,000 check or any of the four briefcases. Seriously, is there ANY wrestler in North America who wouldn't take the fifty grand in real life? The game show music plays. Steiner says he wants the World Title shot. After some deliberation, Scott trades cases with Petey Williams. We'll find out the contents of one briefcase after the break.
We return, and two models have the briefcases laid out by the entrance, like on "Deal Or No Deal". Borash explains it again. Borash has Lauren open Petey's briefcase and Petey gets the Heavyweight Title shot. Kurt Angle must be pissing himself. To the back!
Crystal is interviewing Kaz, who is looking forward to his match against Rellik. Christian Cage asks Kaz to be his partner in the main event. Cage claims Kaz owes him because Kaz became a star after beating Christian. Kaz suggests they close their eyes and ponder the decision. Kaz peels out the moment Christian closes his eyes.
Kaz vs. Rellik. Rellik is "Killer" spelled backwards. Kaz is "Zak" spelled backwards. This means something. Rellik jumps Kaz before the bell. Kaz takes over, gets Rellik to floor and hits a tope. To the break! We return with Rellik going up top and missing the Whoopee Cushion. Rellik sets for the Curtain Call, which Kaz reverses into his finisher for the win.
After the match, Black Reign runs in and beats up Kaz, then puts Misty the rat in a bag and puts the bag over Kaz's head. Security runs in to save Kaz from the rat. To the back!
Backstage, Jeremy Borash chats up Velvet Sky and Angelina Love. Borash talks about their lack of wrestling experience and the ladies hit Ol' Bug Eyes with a series of single entendres. They're ready for Ms. Brooks and Jackie Moore tonight. To the break!
Backstage, Crystal interviews Ms. Brooks and Jackie Moore, with their respective handlers. Jackie's drunk, Tracy's offended, Robert Roode's pissed at Tracy for talking back to Jackie. Time for a match.
Angelina Love & Velvet Sky vs. Our Ms. Brooks & Jacqueline Moore. Tenay plugs the main event again. Jackie tries to drink another beer, but Brooks drags her to the ring. Jackie delivers some offense and womanhandles poor Velvet without spilling a drop. Tracy gets tagged in and hits a couple moves before Velvet hits a jawjacker and tags Angelina. Love cleans house on the heels, and wins by shoving Brooks into Jackie, who's hollering on the apron. Jackie and Tracy fight after the match until Roode comes in and tells Jackie not to abuse Tracy. That's his job. The mystery blonde gets off watching Roode berate Brooks. Tracy's pathetic, like the TNA fans!
Sharmell runs in and interrupts Roode, telling him that's no way to treat a lady. Roode says Sharmell found Booker when she was working street corners. And here's Booker T. Roode bails. Up Next: Father James Mitchell. To the break!
When we return, Crystal follows Christian into Kevin Nash's dressing room. Christian wakes Nash with a stirring rendition of the NWO theme and asks him to be his partner. Nash tells Christian he'd rather do nothing and get paid, and treats Cage to a crotch chop. Christian is angry, calling Nash "an 11 year old with grey hair." And now, I'm worried about the Angles. Are they okay? I haven't seen them in any backstage skits.
James Mitchell hits the ring and calls out Abyss, demanding Abyss share his secret with the world. Mitchell tells "Chris" he's obsessed because he has an emotional investment. He pulled Chris out of prison and made him a World champion, and he only wanted them to be a family. Since Chris betrayed Mitchell, Mitchell wants Chris to tell everyone the rest of the story. Abyss won't talk. Mitchell threatens to reveal the secret himself. Abyss hauls off and hits Mitchell, then sets for the chokeslam. The lights go out. When they come on, Mesias is choking Abyss out with barbed wire. Yes, it looks like real barbed wire. Mesias rakes Abyss's forehead with the wire and nails Abyss with a chairshot to the top of the head. Mitchell ties Abyss's hands behind his back. A second chairshot to the head. And a third. Call Chris Nowinski and see if he can get Abyss a restraining order. To the break! Against All Odds tickets? Still available!
Backstage, Jeremy Borash interviews Booker and Sharmell. Christian Cage sneaks in and offers Booker a shot to team with him. Booker says he will never team with Christian.
Chris Harris makes his ring entrance and complains that Christian hasn't asked for him as a tag team partner. Harris says he should change his name to Angle. Tenay wants everyone to know that the broadcast table isn't a complaint department.
Booker T vs. Chris Harris. The fans chant for Booker T as the announcers plug more "Feast or Fired" fun. Booker does a clean break. Harris doesn't. Booker kicks out after a spinebuster. Booker starts getting some offense as Sharmell roots him on. Harris hits a running clothesline so Booker can do the inside out bump. Booker quickly finishes the Wildcat off with a bookend and an axe kick. Good thing Christian didn't choose Harris as a partner. West lets everyone know that Booker is undefeated in singles competition. Up Next: More Feast Or Fired. To the break!
We return with Jeremy Borash and the briefcases. B.G. James gets his briefcase opened by the lovely Rachel. It's a tag team title shot. Kip James is happy. B.G. tells Borash he hasn't decided who his partner will be yet. Kip is furious. Either Steiner or Daniels gets fired later.
Crystal stands by with Dustin Rhodes. Dustin says he has no control over Black Reign or the rat. Kaz isn't buying it, because he runs in and beats the crap out of Dustin. To the ring!
Jay Lethal vs. Johnny Devine (Lumberjack Strap Match). A bunch of X division wrestlers in flannel shirts are lumberjacks, and they're okay. So Cal Val swoons at Lethal's entrance. The match starts. Lethal throws Devine outside the ring and everyone straps Devine. Devine runs back into the ring. Lather, rinse, repeat. Devine tosses Lethal and the lumberjacks lightly tap Black Machismo with their straps. Devine goes out to give chase, and he gets whacked some more. To the break!
When we return, Devine wants a Pedigree, but Lethal backdrops Devine over the top for another strap whuppin'. Jay hits the Lethal Combination and wins the match with a top rope elbow. Four matches total, and three of them broken up by commercials. Plus, these were not long matches to begin with. After the match, the Machine Gunns hold Devine and everyone else takes turn strapping him. Team 3-D slowly walks down. The six X-Division guys challenge Ray and Devon to enter the ring, but that ain't happening.
We have a video package which runs down B.G. James and Petey Williams's briefcases. Then we return to Jeremy and the models. It is time to open Christopher Daniels' briefcase. Daniels has faith that he'll get the X division title shot. Borash reminds Steiner that he gave up fifty thousand dollars. Wow. Maybe Ohio State fans are right about Michigan grads. Steiner says that Petey lied to him and that TNA will never fire him. We'll find out who gets fired, after the break!
We return right where we left off. Borash has security guards at ringside to escort the loser from the building. Rachel and Lauren open the final two cases. Steiner gets the X title shot. Daniels is fired. The Fallen Angel falls to his knees. Borash wishes Daniels the best in his future endeavors. Daniels starts crying. The crowd is so heartbroken by this that some of them start chanting "Hey, hey, hey, goodbye." To the back.
Backstage, Christian Cage tries to persuade Samoa Joe to be his partner. Joe bitches about Christian and TNA in general and invites Cage to suck an elephant's ass. Joe storms off. Crystal asks what's next. Christian basically says he'll do it himself. To the ring, where we get Christian Cage's ring entrance. On the bright side, according to Don West, Christian won't have to worry about his partner turning on him.
Roode and Angle do separate ring entrances. Karen Angle accompanies her husband to the ring. The heels confer at ringside. Roode hits the ring first, and Cage jumps Roode on his way in. Referee Earl Hebner stops a two-on-one beatdown.
Christian Cage vs. Kurt Angle & Robert Roode. There's a two-on-one beatdown before referee Earl Hebner puts Angle out of the ring. The fans chant for A.J. Styles. Cage gets some offense before Roode can maneuver Christian into Angle's corner. You know, at least TNA came up with an excuse for a handicap match that sort of makes sense. Christian fights off Angle and Roode, but can't follow up. To the break!
During the break, Angle hit the run-up belly-to-belly superplex and the heels took over on…the other heel. Angle misses a moonsault. Christian outpunches Angle and hits chops and elbows. Cage goes up and misses a frog splash. Angle gets a near fall and does rolling German suplexes. Down come the straps. Angle gets the Anklelock, but Christian powers out. Christian gets a rollup, but Roode makes the save. Cage blocks the superplex and hits a frog splash for a near fall. Anklelock, but Cage makes the ropes. Angle tags Roode. Cage gets a near fall. Karen's up on the apron. Kurt hits a low blow and helps Roode deliver a spiked piledriver. Roode scores the pin. Angle and Roode slap a fallen Cage around after the match. Northern Lariat from Roode. Kurt delivers an Olympic Slam and another anklelock.
A.J. Styles makes his way to ringside, starts to enter the ring, and then stops himself. Styles heads to the back. Kurt Angle takes the mic and announces a Christmas party for next week's Impact. The voiceover guy takes it from here. We're getting a bunch of Christmas-themed matches next week, imcluding a Reindeer Ladder match. Ho, ho, ho!
***
My rating? 5.5 out of a possible 10. Everything felt too rushed, again. The main storyline with Christian and Angle was surprisingly good. Plus, if the Christopher Daniels storyline leads to the TNA debut of Curry Man, this reviewer could forgive a lot of TNA's missteps. Thumbs in the middle. They've done worse.
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