MCNEILL'S TAKE McNEILL's TNA Impact Real Time Review (11/15/07): N-W-Joe. Nov 16, 2007 - 12:05:58 PM

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By Pat McNeill, Torch Columnist

Mulligan the cat invited me over this evening. The rest of his household is out of town for the weekend. Unfortunately, he didn't stick around to watch Impact with me. My dad's got him hooked on "CSI", and tonight's a new episode.

By the way, TNA booker Vince Russo would like for everyone to know that there's a new booking committee, and anything you don't like on this evening's show was actually written by Dutch Mantel.

We open with Jim Cornette at the announcer desk. J.C. tells Tenay and West that they're not allowed to mention the names of the two people who debuted in the main event of Genesis, because they're not under contract yet. The idea is that people who didn't see Genesis will stay tuned to find out who the mystery star is. This has to be Dutch's idea. Vince Russo knows that all TNA fans follow the promotion online.

Tonight on Impact, it's Angle vs. Kaz, and Abyss vs. Dustin Rhodes vs. White Boogeyman. In the ring, we have the Angles, A.J. Styles and Tomko. They are now the "Angle Alliance". Kurt's setting up for the group hug when the fake Led Zeppelin music kicks in and Kevin Nash arrives. Nash points out that Angle cost him the title on Sunday, and there's a clip of Angle whacking Nash with the championship belt to back him up. Angle calls Nash a has-been. Nash hits the ring and takes an ugly three-on-one beatdown before the other babyfaces make the save. It was ugly because, well, Nash wasn't exactly a bump machine before he turned 45. To the back!

Christian Cage pulls up to the building in a car that's worth more than your house. Time for a commercial.

Backstage, Kevin Nash calls for backup on the Nash-phone.

Homicide & Hernandez vs. Lance Hoyt & Jimmy Rave. Hoyt, Rave & Christy Hemme are now called "The Rock & Rave Infection". Okay, I know which one Rave is. Which one's Rock and which one's Infection? We get a nice little four minute match that ends when Christy Hemme distracts Homicide so that Rave can roll him up for the pin. Christy looks absolutely stunned that her team went over, and who can blame her?

The babyfaces retaliate by beating up Rave and Hoyt after the bell, and then the Mystery Latino runs in and clobbers Hemme with the slapjack. Despite the fact that having babyfaces beat up women is a Vince Russo trademark, Mr. Russo would like for everyone to know that Jeremy Borash wrote this segment. To the back!

Team 3-D have paid Crystal to get lost, and they're a shooting a hostage video with the X title belt and an unnamed X division wrestler. They have a list of demands, one of which is that X division wrestlers are no longer allowed to post on the internet under fake names. That's a good idea. It's a little known fact that Shark Boy posts on the Torch VIP message board under the gimmick name "Johnny B".

Three people got that joke. Time for a commercial.
We return with Crystal interviewing Christian Cage. Cage is all pissed off about his Coalition abandoning him to endorse Rudy Guiliani, I mean, Kurt Angle.

Chris Harris & Gail Kim vs. Robert Roode & Tracy Brooks. Rain from Shimmer is still ringside with the pro-Roode sign. Gail outwrestles Our Ms. Brooks in the opening minutes. Heck, I'm impressed that Tracy can wrestle with those implants and not tip over. Roode tells Tracy to sit at ringside and watch him in action. Commercial time.

TNA is holding the Turkey Bowl tournament next week, complete with NFL theme music. Because that will get football fans to not watch Peyton Manning and the Colts play on Thanksgiving night. That reminds me, I'll probably be turning this recap in a little late next week.

During the break, we missed some wrestling. Roode tries to get Tracy to give him the chair. Tracy won't do it, so Roode grabs the chair himself and whacks Harris for the pinfall. Roode then continues with the chairshots and heads up top for a frog splash before Tracy blocks Roode and tells him to stop. The crowd approves. Rain razzes Tracy from the front row, so Tracy pulls her over the guardrail and a woman fight breaks out. Security breaks up the ladies. To the back!

Scott Hall is in the parking lot. Be vewy vewy quiet, they're hunting Angle. Commercial time.

Backstage, Jim Cornette is bitching at Matt Morgan for letting you know who wrestle on Sunday without a contract. Jimmy Rave and Lance Hoyt come in to bitch at Cornette for letting the Mystery Latino knock out Christy. Wait! To the ring!

Team 3-D has their hooded hostage in the ring. The Motor City Machine Guns and Jay Lethal come out to negotiate. Bubba removes the hood to reveal that their hostage is Havok. Shelley and Sabin insult the big lugs, which turns out to be a distraction so Sonjay, Petey & Shark Boy can jump the ex-Dudleys from behind. But, in a shocking swerve, Havok grabs a kendo stick and teams up with Ray and Devon to wipe out all six X Division guys. Despite the fact that this bit contained such Crash TV staples as kidnapping, a hostage situation and a Stockholm Syndrome heel turn, Vince Russo would like you to know that Mike Tenay wrote this. To the back!

Backstage, Jeremy Borash interviews A.J. Styles, who wants to tell Christian Cage that this has all been a secret plan to bring Kurt Angle into the Christian Coalition. Tomko rolls his eyes in the background. Okay, that was clever. We then cut to Hall and Nash talking backstage. Commercial time.

We return with a James Mitchell video package. Mitchell promises us that Judas Mesias will return. You'll see why in a few minutes. (Spoiler Warning!)

The former Outsiders are in the ring. Nash announces that they'll be teaming up with a mystery partner to fight the Angle Alliance in a six-man at Turning Point, and we'll learn the identity of their partner before the end of the show. That works.

Abyss vs. Black Reign vs. White Boogeyman. Fine, White Boogeyman is actually Johnny Stamboli as "RelliK" with a backwards K. Mike Tenay explains that "Rellik" is "Killer" spelled backwards. Johnny Devine should remember this when he gets his new gimmick, "Rebboj". What we get is a handicap match, until Reign and Rellik start arguing over who gets to beat up Abyss more. Commercial time.

Good thing they put this match at the top of the hour. It's the perfect way to attract all the UFC fans who accidentally tuned in an hour early for the "Countdown" special.

When we return, Abyss backdrops Dustin, then pins Rellik with the Black Hole Slam. So, yes, Abyss beat both the freaks by himself, and yes, TNA had the new monster lose cleanly less than a week after he's introduced. Rhino runs in to save Abyss from the two guys he just kicked the crap out of. Despite the fact that one-word gimmicks with funny spellings (remember KroniK?) was another WCW/Russo staple, Vince Russo would like you to know that this was all Abyss's idea. To the back!

Jeremy Borash interviews Kurt Angle, who isn't the slightest bit worried about Hall, Nash, Sean Waltman or Kaz. Kurt Angle would also like you to know that, even though he's appeared in just about quarter-hour of TNA programming for the last six weeks, Abyss is the only wrestler on the booking committee. Commercial time.

Alexa Jade vs. Awesome Kong. Folks, Alexa is screwed. Yep, there's the sitout powerbomb. Kong wins. Thank you, please drive through.

Wait, there's Gail Kim, and she wants a piece of the Kong. Gail hits the ring, gets the advantage (!) and a zillion refs run in to break it up. Kong uses one of the refs as a distraction, catches Gail with a clothesline, and then hits the sitout bomb. Damn, that was a good segment. Backstage, we get a good look at the mystery guest's locker room door. Commercial time.

Mulligan returns to let me know that Arizona's up by three touchdowns at halftime. He sits on my lap and doesn't watch Impact. Tough crowd. For the record, last week Mulligan sat with me for an entire Ring of Honor DVD. The only time he perked up and looked at the screen was for Bryan Danielson's ring entrance. Once he figured out I wasn't watching an "Arrested Development" episode, he lost interest.

We're back, and Jim Cornette has the ring set up for a press conference. He welcomes the newest members of the TNA roster, Booker and Sharmelle Huffman. Booker's wearing a suit and Sharmelle's in her best Claire Huxtable outfit. Cornette welcomes The Book, and both Huffmans sign their contracts. This is good stuff. Of course, that's when Christian Cage interrupts. Christian declares himself the king of TNA. He then makes a racist crack about Sharmelle which Spike TV completely obliterates, causing Booker to go after Christian. Cage runs away, and Booker declares himself the new Number One contender. For what it's worth, I'm perfectly okay with the decision to edit out Christian's remark. We got the point. Commercial time.

By the way, Vince Russo would like you to know that even though the last segment involved a Canadian race-baiting an African-American, it was actually written by Jeff Jarrett.

Backstage, Kaz gets a video package and an interview from Jeremy Borash. Kazarian paces the floor and promises to leave it all in the ring. There's a nice buildup as both wrestlers get their ring introductions and the "Tale of the Tape".

Kurt Angle vs. Kaz Kazarian. We get some good action in the opening minutes. Angle throws Kaz over the top rope in time for the mid-match commercial break. When we return, the champ still has the advantage, and Karen Angle is cheering Kurt on from ringside. The ring ropes are making a weird squeaking sound whenever someone hits them. We get a bunch of near falls. Kazarian hits the Flux Capacitor, but doesn't get all the way over, has trouble following up and Angle kicks out. Angle tries for headlock, then winds up pinning Kazarian amateur-style. A really good main event. Check it out on the replay if you missed it.

Kazarian motions to Angle that he was "that close" to winning the belt. Angle gets in Kaz's face. The faux-Zeppelin music hits and I reflect on what a good job TNA has done setting up Kaz as the mystery partner for Hall and Nash.

And of course, it's not Kaz. The Angle Alliance has the old guys down three-on-two, Kazarian vanishes, and the Godzilla theme starts up. Samoa Joe clears the ring. Sadly, the main thing I notice is how much shorter he is than Hall and Nash. As if reading my thoughts, Joe stands on the middle turnbuckle. Much better.

***

Pat McNeill, Torch Columnist (7.0): Mediocre first hour, followed by a really strong second hour. Look, if you give me a really good main event every week, I'll give the show a thumbs up every week, and you guys can do whatever stupid skits and leftover ideas from the '90's strike your fancy. Do we have a deal? Please?

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