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KELLER'S WWE RAW REPORT
SEPTEMBER 21, 2009
LIVE FROM LITTLE ROCK, ARK.
AIRED ON USA NETWORK

WHAT HAPPENED?

[Q1]

-A limo drove up and Cedric the Entertainer walked out and a series of people is costumes come out of his "clown car" limo one after another including football players, a farmer with a goat, and a "just circumcised baby." If anyone is still watching after this opening minute, I'll be shocked. That was "Gong Show" bad.

-The Raw opening then aired followed by Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler introducing the show. Cole said, "The fun has already begun with Cedric the Entertainer."

-DX then made a full ring intro. Lawler said he was surprised the roof was still on the arena because of the noise in the arena. Cole said DX is in "embroiled in a bitter, caustic rivalry." He repeated Vince McMahon's words well. Cole said things haven't been good for DX of late. Lawler wondered if their time was up and Legacy was going to take over. Triple H asked if the fans were ready. He said they better because in two weeks, it's Hell in a Cell. Triple H touted Shawn Michaels's success in that match historically. He said the last time they were in Hell in a Cell, Vince McMahon was their victim "and we liked him," added Michaels. Hunter said in two weeks they're going to give Legacy everything Hell in a Cell promises to be. He promised destruction, carnage, and the beatings of their lives. He said this whole thing with them comes to an end at Hell in a Cell.

1 -- TRIPLE H vs. CODY RHODES

If they had promoted this match in that opening minutes instead of crying babies and farmers with goats, they might have held onto more fans. Cody took early control, but by 1:00 Triple H took control and worked over Cody's arm. He applied a crossface. Cody crawled to the bottom rope to force a break after ten seconds. Cody bailed out to ringside near Ted DiBiase. As they stared at Michaels, Triple H hit Cody and Ted from behind. [c]

[Q2]

Cody was in control after the break. Cole said there have been very tag team Hell in a Cell matches in history. He touted how it's 20 feet tall and has a steel roof and weighs five tons "and it's been called a demonic structure, a demonic structure." Compare this type to TNA's hype for Lethal Lottery. Lawler pointed out that DX have never teamed in a Hell in a Cell before. At 8:00 Cody got distracted by Michaels standing at ringside. That pause gave Triple H a chance to recover and make a comeback. Cody, though, kicked him in the face on a backdrop attempt. Hunter backdropped Cody over the top rope as he charged him. Cody slapped Michaels at ringside. Michaels chased him. DiBiase cut him off and dropped Michaels on the announce table. Legacy double-teamed Michaels with Triple H recovering in the ring. Cody returned to the ring, but a recovered Hunter set up a Pedigree. DiBiase then hit Triple H from behind with a chair. DiBiase swung a chair at Hunter's head. He wisely raised a hand to blunt the trauma to his brain.

WINNER: Triple H via DQ in 9:00.

STAR RATING: *1/2 -- Basic solid content leading to the Legacy beatdown angle at the end.

-Legacy trash-talked Triple H who was KO'd in the ring. The crowd loudly chanted, "You suck! You suck!" at them. As they put Hunter's head in a chair, Michaels grabbed the sledgehammer. Legacy bailed out. Michaels was limping on his left leg, grabbing at his knee.

-Cole and Lawler plugged Kofi Kingston vs. Jack Swagger in a U.S. Title defense later, plus the contract signing for John Cena and Randy Orton. [c]

-Cedric walked out. He said people have asked him why he'd be a good host of Raw. He said he's a big fan of Raw. He then went on to talk about "Cowboy" Bob Thorton. The crowd turned on him immediately. He quickly corrected himself and said, "Bob Orton, Bob Orton!" A split-screen aired of Bob and Randy. Then he showed Dusty and Cody Rhodes joining them on the screen. He said King Kong Bundy is the "illegitimate son of Andre the Giant." He said Mark Henry is the "illegitimate son of the Kool Aid Man." He also compared Miz to a Jackass cartoon character. He got some laughs, but fans rightfully still weren't sure about him after he screwed up Orton's last name. (Isn't the term "illegitimate" attached to kids about as old and inappropriate as calling Blacks "Negros" since it basically labels children born out of wedlock as "illegitimate" as if there's some law or even societal agreement that all parents need to be married in order for their kids to be legitimate?)

[Q3]

Santino walked out and called him "Frederick the Entertainment." When Cedric corrected him, Santino said, "I'll just call you Fred." He said the All-Star Comedy Jam inspired him to do stand-up comedy. Santino told a joke: "Do you ever notice when you go to a fast food joint, they ask you if you want it big sized. They should ask you if you want to become big-sized." The joke flopped and Santino tried to explain it: "You know, all the calories!" Cedric told him not to do comedy.

Chavo Guerrero walked out. Cedric said he knows this guy and he's a very funny person. He said it's hilarious he let a leprechaun beat him up every week. Santino told him he wasn't letting him win. Cedric looked at Chavo in disbelief. He asked him if he really lost to a short leprechaun even though he's a grown man. Chavo blamed "punk guest hosts like you putting me in no-win situations." Cedric took offense. He said what was funny was him being chopped by Bob Barker last week. Chavo asked him if he's a tough guy now. Chavo said he came out to challenge Cedric to a match tonight. Cedric said he's already feuding with a co-star of his movie and they're trying to decide on what to name his movie. He plugged his website where people can support his name. Chavo challenged him again. Santino said, "Fred accepts!" Cedric said he doesn't want to wear the little tight pants. Santino said he'll do just great.

-Josh Matthews interviewed The Miz backstage. He asked him why he stole the U.S. Title belt. Miz had it with him and said he's just taking what will be his soon. He said he is the reason people watch Raw. He said the U.S. Champion should be from the U.S.A. He said he was born and raised in Cleveland. As he insulted Kofi, Kofi jumped him and took his belt back. Kofi said, "What's up, Josh." Then he walked away. [c]

-WWE Fact: Last Monday night, Raw was watched by more male viewers than every show on ABC, CW, FOX, and CBS. Another fact: If it wasn't for WWE Facts, nobody would know CW is still a network.

[Q4]

2 -- THE MIZ vs. EVAN BOURNE

Miz took control with a kick to the head early. At 4:00, after working over Bourne's arm for a few minutes, Miz climbed to the top rope. Bourne knocked him off balance and hit a top rope huracanrana. Bourne then went for his Shooting Star Press, but Miz moved. Bourne landed on his feet, but Miz immediately gave him the Skull Crushing Finale (a variation of Jeff Jarrett's Stroke) for the win.

WINNER: Miz in 5:00.

STAR RATING: *

-Orton told DiBiase and Rhodes they can take the rest of the night off. When they asked if he was sure, he said he can handle a contract signing. [c]

-Jerry Lawler introduced Orton, then John Cena. They sat opposite of each other at the table as the first hour ended.

[Q5]

Lawler reminded the wrestlers that there's a no physicality rule tonight. He then told Orton that Trish Stratus decided last week that he can either agree to the Hell in a Cell match against John Cena or give up his right to an automatic rematch. Orton signed it and turned to Lawler and told him to get out of the ring. Orton said Cena may think he has him down, but he will win at Hell in a Cell and afterward Cena will never be the same. Cena stood up and said, "I'm sorry, were you saying something. I wasn't really listening." Cena then threw to a video package of Orton saying, "I quit! I quit" at Breaking Point. He looped it over and over and showed it from several angles. The crowd laughed. Cena said, "Good times, good stuff!"

Cena joked about Orton saying he can't win because he's never been in HIAC before. He then signed the contract and said this is Orton's last chance because after he wins, there will be no more rematches or championship matches. "You get nothing!" Cena said. He said the once-mighty leader of Legacy "will then become a dude in his underwear who hangs out with two other dudes in their underwear." Cena said that's the funny part. Just because Cena wears those ridiculous jean shorts doesn't mean he gets to make fun of wrestlers who wear regular tights and get a laugh out of it. When he points out that Orton, Rhodes, and DiBiase wear underwear, it makes wrestling fans worry about watching a TV show with a bunch of men mostly wrestling each other in their underwear. It's best just not mentioned. Cena got more intense and said at HIAC when they lock the door he will destroy Orton. The crowd mostly cheered, with some boos thrown in. Orton said he'd love to do nothing more than reach over, grab him by the throat, and RKO him through a table right here and now. He said legally he can't do that. Orton said people have despised him since he entered WWE because of his arrogance. He said two of them are coming to the ring now.

Out came Big Show and Chris Jericho. Cole said the no physicality rule applies only to Orton and Cena. Lawler said this cannot turn out well for Cena. Show threw the table out of his way. Mark Henry and MVP ran to the ring to Cena's aid. Cedric appeared on the big screen and said they just made it easy for him. All six will be in a tag match later. He chuckled, the babyfaces in the ring smiled, and the heels had mixed reactions. [c]

-They hyped Zach Ryder's title shot against Christian on Tuesday night on ECW.

[Q6]

3 -- "GLAMAZON" BETH PHOENIX vs. MICKIE JAMES -- Non-Title

Cole said Phoenix would love to score a win over James and get back in the title race. Mickie scored early with some moves including a basement dropkick that came up a bit short. She dove off the top rope and landed on Phoenix on the floor. Alicia Fox, who was sitting at ringside, distracted Mickie. Phoenix then rammed Mickie back-first into the ringpost. She followed with her finisher for the win. After Phoenix left, Fox entered the ring and gave Mickie a scissors kick.

WINNER: Phoenix in 1:30. [c]

4 -- KOFI KINGSTON vs. JACK SWAGGER -- U.S. Title match

Cole talked about the big names to hold the U.S. Title over the years, such as Steve Austin, Dusty Rhodes, Ric Flair, and a dozen total Hall of Famers. Miz ran to ringside early and grabbed the U.S. Title belt when Swagger had Kofi down. Swagger left the ring and hit Miz from behind. He then took the belt and walked away, getting counted out in the process. Kofi woke up and there was no opponent and his belt was missing. No decision was announced and for some reason the ref was checking on Kofi rather than counting Swagger out.

WINNER: Kingston via countout in 1:00. A clustermess of an angle, one of WWE's worst in a while for a mid-card storyline progression. Why would Swagger, while in control of the match for the title, walk away with the belt and give up his chance to win it officially? It makes zero sense to the point of having no credibility. I guess they had to get past this inconvenience of two wrestlers against one other to get to Cedric's celebrity comedy match with Chavo. I hate when a good wrestling match gets in the way of "Sports Entertainment."

-They went to the Cedric opening segment again. Once wasn't enough?

[Q7] [c]

-WWE Fact: WWE television can be seen in 4565 million homes worldwide, more than the NFL, MLB, and the NBA combined. They're not counting the Internet, but whatever.

5 - CHAVO GUERRERO vs. CEDRIC THE ENTERTAINER

Santino was the special guest referee. Cedric walked out wearing a red cape and red tights. Cole said this guest host concept has been "an awesome idea." Cedric put on a superhero mask just to complete the picture. Oh, and a top hat. Chavo offered a handshake. Cedric turned it down. He must be on Team Rampage. Chavo took off Cedric's hand and stomped on it. Cedric got man and slide to the floor and climbed under the ring. Chavo smiled, thinking Cedric was scared of him and hiding. Chavo went to the other side of the ring and pulled Cedric out. Out popped a much larger and stronger looking masked man in the same outfit. Apparently there was a stash of steroids under the ring. Chavo backed off, but then slapped him. The guy pressed Chavo into the ring. Chavo told Santino that wasn't Cedric. "Cedric" backdropped Chavo. He then squashed Chavo in the corner with a Stinger splash. He crawled back under the ring. A miniature Cedric (Hornswoggle on the Cedric masked outfit) came out and hit a top rope splash. He then hid under the ring. The real Cedric crawled out and made the cover. Cedric unmasked and celebrated with an unmasked Hornswoggle and a still masked giant masked man.

WINNER: Cedric in 4:00. The should call all wrestlers "the Entertainer." Like "John Cena the Entertainer," "Kofi Kingston the Entertainer," etc. They are Sports Entertainers, after all. Or maybe "Mark Henry the Sports Entertainer." [c]

[Q8]

-Lawler announced that Rev. Al Sharpton would guest host Raw next week. How does he feel helping a company owned in part by Republican candidate for Senate, Linda McMahon. Lawler also announced Kofi vs. Swagger vs. Miz was just signed for Hell in a Cell.

-As Cedric bragged about what he did to Chavo, Jericho walked in and sneered at him, then said they need to talk. Cedric blew him off and said he needs a breath mint. He turned to talk to Kelly. Then Big Show walked in and said, "We need to talk." Cedric gulped and said, "Okay."

-They showed Lawler standing at ringside. The crowd cheered. He said tonight is the final night for one of the Divas in WWE. Lilian received an ovation in mid-ring. She teared up and said that ten years ago when she signed up for it, she never knew what kind of adventure this would be. She said she travelled all over the world and met so many special people. She said signing the National Anthem every week including in Iraq and Afghanistan and after 9-11 has been touching for her. She talked about the WWE crew, announcers, and "talented, incredible athletes, the best athletes in the world, the WWE Superstars." She said it's been an honor to announce some of the greatest matches in all of WWE history. She said the biggest honor was to be there for the fans and have them love and support her. "I'm going to miss you so much, but I have to tell you my heart will always be right here in this ring," she said, her voice cracking. "I love you and I thank you." She waved and the fans applauded.

[c]

-Jericho, Big Show, and Orton stood in the ring. Jericho said they hate Cena as much as Orton does, so they went to Cedric and let him know he needed to up the ante for the match. He was "forced to acquiesce." He said if they lose, Orton has to face MVP, Henry, and Cena in a three-on-one gauntlet match. Orton threw a fit. Show told him to relax and trust them. Show explained that if they win tonight, Cena has to wrestle his own gauntlet match against them. Orton's spirits were lifted. He may have almost smiled. Cena's ring intro began and then they cut to a break. [c]

[Q9]

6 -- JOHN CENA & MARK HENRY & MVP vs. RANDY ORTON & CHRIS JERICHO & THE BIG SHOW

They opened with Jericho vs. Cena. Orton tagged in, but Cena set up a quick Attitude Adjustment. Orton escaped to ringside. Cena chased him. Show cut him off and then Jericho attacked him from behind. Cole said, "Typical Jericho." Didn't Triple H do exactly the same thing earlier to Rhodes and DiBiase? Orton went on offense against Cena. The crowd loudly chanted for Cena. At 2:00 Cena hot-tagged in just as Jericho was also tagged in. MVP went on offense including a flying clothesline. Orton tagged in and applied his obligatory headlock (which is a streak ten times longer than Goldberg's win streak). At 6:00 the crowd popped as MVP reached for a hot tag to Cena. Orton stopped him and stomped him all over his body. At 7:00 MVP hot-tagged Henry when Orton shov3ed MVP out of the ring and he brushed past Henry. He tossed around Orton and Jericho, showing fire and getting among the biggest babyface pops of his career. Cena gave Show an Attitude Adjustment from behind. As Cena celebrated, Jericho clipped Henry from behind. Orton then gave Henry an RKO for the win.

WINNERS: Orton & Jericho & Show in 8:00.

STAR RATING: **1/2 -- Told a good story with great milking of hot tags and a frenzied finish that set up Cena in jeopardy next week well.

QUOTEBOOK

Cedric the Entertainer: "Did you know Big Show drives a Prius. It took him three minutes to get one leg out. He couldn't even get out."

Miz on Kofi Kingston: "I didn't float over on a raft and get washed up on shore with Bob Marley CD."

Jerry Lawler: "Chavo has the speed advantage. I heard Cedric once raced a pregnant woman and came in third."

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