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KELLER'S TNA IMPACT REPORT
AUGUST 27, 2009
TAPED IN ORLANDO, FLA.

WHAT HAPPENED

[Q1]

-They show opened with Sting and A.J. Styles pulling up in Sting's yellow sports car. Lauren asked Styles as he got out of if he's having second thoughts about choosing TNA over his family. Styles told her to look at his gear. He said he was there to work. He was kinda rude to her. Sting then took a deep breath and said he smells success. Kip James walked up to Sting and offered to park his car. Sting said he doesn't have to park cars. He told Lauren he used to own a car like that. She said, "When?" He said, "When I was over." They jumped to the TNA Impact opening.

-Mike Tenay introduced the show and hyped Dixie Carter's first appearance on Impact with Bobby Lashley. They showed Tenay at ringside with Taz Christopher Daniels.

(1) Suicide fought Samoa Joe to a no contest in 2:00. Where did this match come from? Did I miss the three weeks of hype this deserved? Joe went after Suicide hard and fast with a kick and barrage of punches and a flying elbow in the corner. Then he nailed a drop roundhouse kick in the corner. Tenay was too busy talking to Daniels to call any of it, which Taz brought up. D'Angelo Dinero walked out at 1:00 to watch from ringside. Dinero hit Suicide at ringside. They brawled. Joe joined in. Then so did Daniels. The ref called for the bell. Ring announcer Dave Penzer declared the match was ruled a no contest, but the match would be re-started later as a two-on-two tag match with Suicide & Daniels teaming against Joe & Dinero. Tenay said this is an example of TNA management empowering the referees.

-Lauren asked Eric Young if Hernandez will join the World Elite. Young said it's guaranteed. [c]

-TNA is copying the "WWE Fact" gimmick now. It's called "TNA For the Record." This week's fact is: Impact set a single month viewership record in the U.K. in August. UK fans, thank you for your support."

-The World Elite walked into the ring. Sheik Abdul Bashir took off his head dress so fans could listen to his words. He said he had some words about Iraq. He said May 3, 2003, President Bush announced "Mission Accomplished." He said here we stand six years later, but if the war is over, tell him what's killing hundreds of his brothers and sisters every day. He said innocent men, women, and children are dying every day. "This is a world you people know nothing about," he said. He ranted about America going to war for cheaper oil and being brainwashed by the American media. The crowd chanted "USA." Young thanked Bashir for the enlightenment. Some of his quotes should make the TIME or Newsweek provocative political quotes section.

[Q2]

Young called Hernandez to the ring. Hernandez walked out, wearing Mexican flag style trunks and sorta-Affliction-style Hernandez t-shirt. Young asked Hernandez if the fans in the U.S. respected him for wearing the Mexican flag colors to the ring. He said the truth is the fans will never respect him. He said he will never be treated as an equal. "You, to them, will always be a foreigner. They're stereotype you and they'll view you as they've always viewed you - as a common criminal, a street thug." He said he needs to come home and be elite and join The World Elite. Hernandez said, "Come home? I am home!" He pointed to the crowd and he said they as his family. He said, "This is your country. You either love it or don't let the door hit your ass on the way out."

-Lauren interviewed Traci and Sharmell. Sharmell said they're not sweating facing Awesome Kong and Raisha Saeed. Traci said they are the elite females in the wrestling business. "We're going to roll over your fat asses," she said. She called Kong and Saeed "the elephant and her trainer." Mike Tenay asked if we heard that. [c]

-Lauren began to hype the Knockouts Tag Team Tournament. The cameraman, Alex Shelley, zoomed in on her cleavage. Chris Sabin walked in and told her breasts that the cameraman is doing the best that he can. Dr. Stevie walked in and asked Sabin and Shelley if they are tired of messing around and want to earn some money. He told them if they end Abyss's career, $50,000 is theirs. Sabin held up a new tissue holder with their Motor City Machine Gun logo on it. Lauren tried to talk them out of collecting the bounty.

[Q3]

(2) Awesome Kong & Raisha Saeed defeated Sharmell & Traci when Saeed pinned Traci in 3:00. Taz asked Tenay to explain why Saeed wears a veil and a mask. Tenay did his best to catch his expert color commentator on the basics that most Impact viewers already know. Kong hit a flying splash off the middle rope and covered Traci. Sharmell made the save, then bailed out. Kong tagged in Saeed who scored the quick pin on Traci.

-A vignette aired on Matt Morgan.

-Morgan walked into the Main Event Mafia locker room. Booker got up and asked what he wanted. Angle, more calmly, asked if Morgan barged in there because he screwed up last week. Morgan said Angle screwed up last week. Angle admitted he screwed up. He said it usually takes him three seconds, not three minutes, to get to the top rope, though. He asked Morgan how many years he's been in wrestling. Morgan said seven. Angle said he's been in it almost ten years, so Morgan lacks his experience. He's 23 percent more experienced, and that makes all the difference. Angle said he arranged to team with Booker and Scott Steiner so he can get more experience. Morgan asked if Dixie signed off on that. Angle said he got her to sign off on it. Morgan said he has great news for Angle. He heard of him defending that TNA Title at No Surrender in a four-way match and he took it upon himself to be added to that match. He told Angle not to worry because he'll have his back just as he had his at Hard Justice and last week on Impact. He gave Angle a big hug. Angle looked concerned. Morgan added a sarcastically, "Go Mafia!" Angle concluded Morgan was screwing with him. He asked Steiner and Booker to watch his back. [c]

[Q4]

-Tenay touted the write-up on Suicide in "The Source." Taz made fun of Tenay for being a hop-hop expert.

-A recap aired of Rhino training Jesse Neal (the guy in jogging shorts, a gray sweat shirt, and tennis shoes).

(3) Rhino pinned Jesse Neal in 2:00, but the decision was reversed afterward. After weeks of ignoring this storyline, they throw this match on TV after a brief recap video. Tenay said this feel-good story has turned into a nightmare for everyone involved. Taz said he's known Rhino for years and also the frustrations that come with training someone to be a wrestler. He said Neal is in over his head. Taz noted that Neal doesn't even have his own wrestling gear yet. After winning easily with the Gore, he attacked him further after the match. The ref reversed the decision. Brother Devon charged to the ring and Rhino stepped back and out of the ring.

-Some kid's morning TV show interrupted Impact. There was a goofy Southern truck driver and his blond girlfriend. There was a guy wearing a George Washington wig and a gigantic toddler in a mask with a sparkly baseball bat. One gave another a gift of groceries. The gigantic toddler said "I love to eat." The host with big round bulging eyes (he might have hosted "Blues Clues" once) tried to keep everyone from acting too rowdy. The blond woman played with balloons in her shirt. The truck driver showed off pictures of celebrities on a pedestal such as Mike Tyson and Chuck Norris. In the end, Mick Foley held up the TNA Knockouts Title and said ODB will fight Deaner at a future date. Borash asked Foley if he's okay. Foley said sometimes you have to take a step back and regroup, and then when it's time to act, act with vengeance. Borash asked what he's up to. Foley said time will tell. [c]

(4) Abyss defeated Alex Shelley & Chris Sabin (w/Dr. Stevie) in 3:00. Abyss blocked an early suplex attempt by both Guns and took them over at the same time instead. He then chokeslammed Sabin onto Shelley. Richards gave encouraging words to Sabin. Abyss splashed Shelley in the corner, but Shelley moved on a second corner charge. Sabin gave Abyss a running boot to the face. Then Sabin leaped off of Shelley's back and kicked Abyss to the floor. Shelley slingshot himself onto Abyss at ringside, but Abyss caught him. Sabin followed and took Abyss down. Abyss caught Shelley flying off the top rope, but Sabin dropkicked Shelley onto Abyss for a near fall. Abyss put Shelley on his shoulders and gave him a Shock Treatment while also legdropping Sabin. As the ref was occupied with Shelley, Stevie interfered. Sabin then dove at Abyss, but Abyss caught him and turned it into a Black Hole Slam for a win.

[Q5]

After the match, Stevie chewed out Shelley and Sabin, so Shelley and Sabin attacked him. They hung him upside down and dropkicked him. Abyss clapped at ringside like Eugene. Then he picked up a chair and approached Stevie. Kevin Nash's music played. He stepped onto the ramp with a mic in hand. Tenay said they'd hear what Nash has to say after the break. [c]

-Nash said if Dr. Stevie has 50K, that works for him. He said he already had a problem with Abyss for sticking his nose in his business at Hard Justice. Nash said Abyss made it personal and called him "bitch."

-Taz plugged that Dixie and Lashey would by later. Tenay pushed the six-man tag main event and Daffney vs. Hamada.

-Lauren interviewed Daffney, who said she relies on violence. Daffney asked Lauren if she's ever counted sheep. Daffney reacted as if Daffney had asked her if she hosts orgies with vampires. Daffney described how she doesn't count sheep in an ordinary way. She said she attacks them and drains their blood and skins them and wears them. 
"That's disturbing, right? That's because I'm disturbed," she closed.

(4) Gran Hamada pinned Daffney in 7:00. Hearing Tenay try to deal with lines from Taz like saying Daffney is "zombie hot" is about as uncomfortable as it was hearing Michael Cole try to react to Taz over the years. A minute into this highly touted debut of Hamada, they cut to a break. [c]

[Q6]

They noted that during the break Daffney stopped Hamada from using a table at ringside, but the that the table was still set up at ringside. At 5:00 Daffney swung a chair at Hamada, but Hamada ducked. Hamada then put a chair over Daffney's head and threw her into the post. Hamada then set Daffney on a cable and backflippped off the top rope with a splash through the cable. Taz said Sabu did that many times to him. The crowd chanted "This is awesome!" Hamada then finished Daffney with the Hamada Driver in the ring and the crowd chanted along with the ref's three count. Taz said the finisher was a variation of the Michinoku Driver. Good debut for Hamada, a strong addition to the women's division. (*3/4)


-They showed Angelina Love and Velvet Sky backstage. Tenay and Taz said they were up to no good. [c]

-Love and Sky showed up in Madison Rayne's locker room. Love called her "bitch" and told her she doesn't care who her mystery tag partner is in the tournament, but they drew each other in the first round. Rayne shoved Sky. Love and Sky attacked Rayne as Borash yelled for the "girls" to stop it.

-They cut back to Tenay and Taz at ringside who ran down the brackets of the TNA Women's Tag Team Title Tournament. Then Taz plugged Dixie and Lashley again. Tenay touted the "star power" in the six-man tag main event. Tenay, not Don West, plugged the upcoming dates.

(5) Daniels & Suicide beat Samoa Joe & D'Angelo Dinero when Suicide pinned Dinero in 8:00. At 2:00 they cut to a break. Good action to start. [c] Expert color commentator Taz asked Tenay: "How do you say his name?" in reference to Dinero. No shortage of good, high-impact, high-flying action in this one. Dinero has fit in just fine so far with the X Division wrestlers. Suicide scored a pin out of nowhere on Dinero after Dinero missed a running double knee blow to Suicide's back. Dinero sat in shock, absorbing the reality of his loss. (*3/4) [c]

-Borash interviewed Lashley and Carter in a couch/chair setting. Borash said after seven years as TNA President, she's on camera. Carter announced that they just signed a three-year firm deal with Spike TV. She said it's an important deal for them to have accomplished. Borash turned to Lashley and talked to him about having stepped away from wrestling for an MMA career, and now he's back doing both. Lashley said he loves pro wrestling, but he wasn't sure if he could do both at the same time. He said he had several meetings with Dixie and finally pieced it together so he could do both. He said he doesn't want to do either sport "half-assed." She said Lashley isn't a traditional talent signing, but it's a chance for TNA to do something different. She said they just started scratching the surface of promoting Lashley. Lashley said his goal is to make an impact and do big things. He said he is aiming for the top and one day become TNA Champion. She then announced Lashley would face Rhino at the No Surrender PPV on Sept. 20. Lashley acted surprised and happy.

-Angle joined Tenay and Taz at ringside during main event ring introductions. He said he never considered Morgan part of the Mafia. He said he's still inexperienced. He said he has a lot to prove to him. He said he took "at least three minutes" to get to the top rope. Taz said Morgan is lucky to be even considered for the Mafia.

[Q8]

(6) Hernandez & A.J. Styles & Sting defeated Matt Morgan & Scott Steiner & Booker T when Styles pinned Morgan at 9:00. Angle called Styles "a quitter who wanted to quit the business." At 3:00 Hernandez lifted Morgan into a vertical suplex position and held him there for a while. Tenay, Taz, and Angle did a nice job selling it as "damn impressive." Angle said that took credibility away from Morgan getting into the Mafia. Taz laughed. Hernandez then dove over the top rope at all three opponents on the floor. They cut to a break at 3:00. [c] Angle said Lashley shouldn't be in pro wrestling and MMA at the same time. At 8:00 Styles hot-tagged Hernadez who flew into the ring and went after all three heels. Morgan then tagged in and went after Hernandez, but Hernandez shoulder blocked hiom to the mat for a two count. The match broke down with all six men involved, including Styles fighting Steiner at ringside. Hernandez charged at Morgan in the corner, but Morgan moved and hit the corpoer post. Morgan then set up the Hellivator, but as he wasted time checking his phantom watch and looking like a total idiot, Steiner entered with a chair. Hernandez shoved Morgan into the chair. Styles then springboarded at Morgan and scored the pin. Angle called Morgan a "major disappointment" and said that type of performance wil not earn him a slot in the Mafia. Good TV tag match. Too bad they had to shove a commercial break in the middle of it with just seven minutes left in the show. (**1/4)

-Afterward, Steiner and Booker confronted Morgan as Angle went on and on about Morgan showing his inexperience. Morgan had enough of Booker's verbal thrashing and he punched him. Tenay said Angle will be defending his title at No Surrender in a four-way match. Tenay said Morgan is one opponent, and to find out about the qualifying matches, go to TNA's website.

THOUGHTS, OBSERVATIONS, NITPICKS

OPENER: The booking philosophy or rationale for putting on Joe vs. Suicide with zero hype or backstory is that the match was super-short, so why bother. The problem is, no matter how short the match is, the supposition is that nobody knew it'd be short ahead of time. So whether it went one minute or 30 minutes, the lack of hype sends the message to viewers that these are two opening match scrubs we threw out there to fill some time. An example that proves the point is that they'd never open a show with Mick Foley vs. Kurt Angle or Sting vs. A.J. Styles for no reason and with no hype. Why, because it obviously would be (a) a lost opportunity and (b) send a message to viewers that these guys don't matter and their match is, well, just an opening scrub level match. Now, Joe vs. Suicide is not at the marquee level of the two examples, but it should be treated as something closer to those two examples than what it was, whether it being booked to be short or not. TNA can define just about any match as being a big deal, and at times they might overhype which is bad a thing. But underhyping is even worse because viewers an live with overhype because they kinda know that comes with the territory, but when you underhype a match, especially with wrestlers not yet fully defined as main eventers (or in Joe's case, misproduced and badly botched for the last year that he's been brought down from main event status and needs to be rebuild), it just tells viewers - unnecessarily - that these two guys are just filling time with moves and we put no more thought into it than that...

LAUREN: There's no way Lauren is listening to what we as viewers hear. There has to someone talking into her earpiece saying exactly this: "You're beautiful - no, you're ulgy. You smell terrible. No, wait, you smell great. Your hairdresser secretly hates you. You are wearing two different colored shoes. Look down. No, quick, look up! There's a bee on your forehead! Dogs should have the right to be married. There's a ghost living in your left nostril. If you stare at the wrestler in front of you, puppies will become even cuter. Did the microphone just changes colors? Holy sh--! Is your favorite color blue? It should be pink, you slut." If you say those things aloud as you watch her reactions to promos, you'll better understand all of her bizarre facial reactions and head bobs and suchlike. Try it. It works. If you get to the end of the above quote, just start at the beginning again. It works, just like listening to Pink Floyd during "Wizard of Oz." (But you have to start it on the third MGM lion roar.) It's really strange...

OTHER THOUGHTS: It's a little known fact that the alternative names for Suicide that were considered were "Burned to Death," "Food Poisoning," "Gonorrhea," and "Common Cold." They felt fans chanting "Suicide" had the best ring to it and it'd sell more t-shirts to kids that parents would approve of... It took me a few minutes to realize it, but Taz has morphed into sounding like Larry Zbyszko on commentary... The push of Hernandez so far is being done really well. They need to stay on course and not let anyone within sabotage his momentum through some rationalization that pushing him over the 40-plus crowd is somehow hurting the company. If TNA set out to give one deserving young wrestler a Hernandez-type push every two or three months, and then protected them from then out, in a year they'd have four or five new stars who would be best positioned to draw for years to come... TNA continues to miss the boat on Shelley & Sabin, having them unable to beat Abyss in a two-on-one situation while Nash is somehow a threat all by himself. Some would say of course Nash is a threat and Shelley & Sabin together aren't, but that's not how TNA should be promoting them. Nash is in his final chapter as an in-ring performance, whereas Shelley & Sabin give TNA something they are short on (youth, wit, coolness packed with athleticism) and portraying them as inferior to Abyss and to Nash really defines them down unnecessarily as a prelim ha-ha act...

QUOTEBOOK

Sheik Abdul Bashir: "You people are brainwashed by the American media. You're brainwashed to believe that voting for an American Idol is more important than voting for an American President. You're brainwashed to believe that a dead King of Pop deserves the front of a newspaper more than a dead Iraqi child."


Sheik Abdul Bashir: "The truth is you people don't want our land. You people don't want to install democracy. You people don't even want to stop terrorist. The truth is you, America, are a junkie. You are an addict for our oil."

Taz on Daffney: "She's kind of zombie hot."

TAZ CLICHE WATCH: "This is a proverbial donnybrook here"... "Perception is reality"... "Behind the eight ball"...

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