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KELLER'S TNA IMPACT REPORT
AUGUST 13, 2009
TAPED IN ORLANDO, FLA.
AIRED ON SPIKE TV

WHAT HAPPENED?

HOUR ONE

-The show opened with clips of last week's memorable multi-setting brawl as sirens blared and Don West declared someone was going to die. The title of the show is "The Future is Now." TNA's going Eckhart Tolle on us! Oh, wait, that's "The Power of Now." Close enough.

-The Impact opening aired, and then Mike Tenay introduced the show was pyro blasted and the camera panned the crowd.

(1) Christy Hemme pinned Sojo Bolt in 3:00. West said the Knockout division just got hotter with the return of Christy. At 2:00 Hemme backdropped Bolt and the launch was awkward and Bolt seemed at risk of landing badly on her head. She seemed okay, but the announcers sold the possibility of her being disoriented from the bump. Hemme finished Bolt with her top rope with the FFG legdrop off the top rope.

-They went to Tenay and West at ringside who hyped the line-up: Doug Williams vs. Hernandez, A.J. Styles vs. Matt Morgan, Rhino & Jesse Neals. Sheik Abdul Bashir & Eric Young, Scott Steiner vs. Brother Ray, Awesome Kong vs. Tara vs. Angelina Love vs. ODB, a Bobby Lashley interview, and a contract signing between Kevin Nash and Styles for the Hardcore Title match at the PPV. [c]

-The commercial break included Spike's commercial for Saturday night's replay of much of the UFC 100 including former WWE Champion Brock Lesnar vs. Frank Mir. That could do a monster cable rating. It's intriguing to see how that number compares to recent Raw ratings. The fight drew 1.7 million PPV buys, nearly double what WrestleMania 25 drew.

-Lauren interviewed Taz backstage. She asked him about Samoa Joe's state of mind after losing two weeks ago. Taz said he let both of them down when he lost to Hernandez. He said Joe beat Joe. He said Joe showed remorse when he had a chance to take out Hernandez. He said Joe will put Homicide out. He guaranteed it. Good, to-the-point interview. Lauren bobbed her head (nodded) 28 times during that interview (Yes, I counted). Because Taz didn't yell, Lauren didn't make the "watching a puppy die in a blender" face. Maybe later.

(2) Hernandez pinned Doug Williams (w/Brutus Magnus, Rob Terry) in Hernandez was on offense at the start, but a Magnus distraction at ringside helped Williams take control. Williams missed a top rope senton. Hernandez caught Williams diving off the top rope and turned it into a sitout powerbomb for the win. (*)

-Afterward, Magnus went after Hernandez, but Hernandez came back and tossed Magnus out of the ring. Rob Terry bashed Hernandez with a briefcase from behind. [c]

-Backstage, Hernandez yanked the mic away from Lauren and spoke in Spanish about getting revenge against Terry (I assume).

-Tenay threw to his sitdown interview with Lashley, filmed "earlier today" in center-ring. As Tenay asked him about adding MMA to his schedule, they showed a pic of MMA's most famous referee, Big John McCarthy, raising his arm in an MMA ring. Lashley said he left amateur wrestling so abruptly and he wanted to "go in there in compete." He said the transition has been smooth. He said when he was in pro wrestling, he was working with a boxing coach and wrestling at the local training center. He said the transition was just taking off his wrestling boots and putting on his MMA gloves. Tenay asked him about signing with TNA while also taking future MMA fights. Lashley said he loves pro wrestling and he gets better and better and gains more respect for the business. Tenay asked him about his rivalry with the Main Event Mafia. Tenay asked him who would win if he faced Kurt Angle. Lashley said the fans would win. He said he believes he's one of the top MMA fighters and Angle is one of the greatest wrestlers ever, and who would win remains to be seen.

-A TNA commercial aired saying they are creating a new kind of wrestling and asking viewers if they're ready for a revolution. We're still not sure what any of that means as there's nothing different about TNA compared to WWE or the old WCW.

-Jeremy Borash interviewed Dr. Stevie and Daffney. Stevie said to collect the bounty against Abyss, it's not about scoring a pin, it's about making Abyss drown in a pool of his own vomit, his own blood, his own sweat. Abyss barged into the picture and grabbed Stevie by the throat. Careful, there. He told Stevie to finish him himself. He was then attacked by "Outlaw" Jethro Holiday from behind with a chair. [c]

-Lauren interviewed Tara backstage. She asked her about how she's taken TNA by storm. She said since losing her title, it seems she might have been derailed by The Beautiful People. Tara said her goal is to beat the best and Awesome Kong is among the toughest wrestlers in history. She asked Lauren if Kong is afraid of Poison the Tarantula.

(3) Eric Young & Sheik Abdul Bashir beat Rhino & Jesse Neal when Young pinned Neal in 5:00. Rhino opened against Young. Then Neal tagged in and went to a rudimentary sequence of a noodle-forearm and a side headlock. When he had a chance at tagging Rhino, he instead charged at Bashir on the ring apron. Young then schoolboyed Neal from behind. Rhino gave him the "you're a dumbass" look. [c]

-Lauren interviewed Rhino afterward. He started out actually not yelling, but it turned into yelling of course. Lauren herked and jerked her head and recoiled as he lectured her about his scars and suffering. He said she'll never understand his frustration with Neal. Rhino yelled that he respects Neal's service to the country, but will he fight again in that ring. He closed by saying he will die in that ring.

(4) ODB (w/Cody Deaner) vs. Velvet Sky (w/Angelina Love, Madison Rayne) vs. Tara vs. Awesome Kong (w/Raiesha Saeed) in 10:00. At 1:00 Kong took a spill over the top rope when her targets avoided her as she charged. Tara and ODB shared some shots out of ODB's flask. Then they climbed to the top rope and dove, with ODB landing on Kong and Tara landing on the Beautiful People. They cut to a break. [c] Is Jethro still beating up Abyss with a chair, by the way? At 9:00, after Kong dropped ODB center-ring, Cody distracted her on the ring apron. Cody surprised her with a kiss. Tenay freaked out. Kong then yanked Cody into the ring by his mullet and gave hi an Awesome Bomb. Tara surprised Kong from behind with a roll-up. (*1/2)

HOUR TWO

-Lauren interviewed Styles and Sting. Styles said he's let a lot of people down, so after this match against Morgan later he's either going to be a winner or a loser. He working under pressure with success is what separates mid-carders from main eventers. [c] Not the best placement of a commercial. It could hurt their second hour rating, especially their Q5 rating.

-Borash said there are things going on behind the scenes he can't begin to talk about on the TV show, but he'll send text messages to fans giving them the scoop. He then interviewed Team 3D. Devon said the Steiners and Harlem Heat "paved the way" for tag teams like them. Devon said tonight they're just another tag team trying to knock off the greatest tag team in history, and it's not going to happen. Brother Ray said he agreed with Devon and then repeated what he said, adding that what makes them great is that the fans say it with their chants of "3D! 3D!"

-Scott Steiner and Booker T came out and got in Team 3D's face in the ring. Scott said their reminiscing about watching the Steiners as kids means nothing to him. He said they couldn't beat them back then and can't now. He said they're walking into Hard Justice as tag champs and walking out as tag champs. Ray said that's the exact reason he and his brother respect he and Booker so much, because he backed up what he said he was going to do.

(5) Scott Steiner (w/Booker T, Sharmell) vs. Brother Ray (w/Devon). Ray fended off Steiner's early flurry and hit a Bubba Bomb for a two count at 2:00. He followed with a splash. As Sharmell distracted the ref, Booker interfered. Devon charged into the ring and knocked Booker to the floor. Ray bodyslammed Steiner and then split his legs for Devon's diving headbutt. Ray put on Steiner's Egyptian headdress. British Invasion ran out to ringside. Steiner and Booker attacked Devon and Ray from behind and then slammed Ray through a table leading to Steiner scoring a three count. The third finish in a row where a wrestler distracted by someone outside the ring led to the opponent jumping them from behind for an immediate pin. (*) [c]

-Tenay stood mid-ring with Mick Foley and Kevin Nash for the Legends Title contract signing. Foley signed first, then Nash. Tenay then said he understands they each have some final pre-match comments. Foley volunteered to go first. He said he gave an interview with "Mikey" saying it's all about the money. Foley said he doesn't think he ever had a conversation with Nash that didn't revolve around money. (I have.) Foley said all his kids are in attendance and they often asked him when he'd be a champion again. He said with the Legends Title, he's able to show them that he's a champion. He asked Nash if that means something to him. He asked if he has a sense of pride and accomplishment or if it's all about the dollar. Nash said his Legends Title win was so tainted in the first place, but he could have probably made $20,000 at his last autograph session if he had that belt. "I'm talking cash, not a check. Cash-money," he stressed.

He said Foley is a guy with a beautiful wife and family. He said to the fans, "It's nice to see the studio audience can count. It's important." I couldn't make out the chant. Nash asked why he doesn't continue to write and would rather wrap himself in barbed wire and set himself on fire. He said he's surprised he hasn't "taken the easy way out as I always have." Foley said the name of the show he was at was Wizard World. Nash said he's correct. Foley made fun of the name. Nash said it's one of the biggest comic book conventions in the world. Foley said, "Other than The Con." Foley said he'd wrestle for free and practically did for years. He told Nash to bring his intelligence, height, and good looks and he'll bring his passion and they'll see what happens. Nash began taking off his shirt. Foley said, "He works out. He's got genetics. What the hell's the point?" Nash said, "The point is, I am an athlete. I am a businesman. And you are a pathetic wrestler." Foley said he's a wrestler and he's proud of it, but his definition of wrestling includes trash cans and chairs and tables. He told him to bring his skills and he'll bring his and they'll see how it turns out. They shook hands. Foley wished him luck. Nash said Foley needs the luck.

Foley stopped him from leaving the ring and said he can't believe they have had a contract signing on a wrestling show and nobody's going to go through a table. Nash said, "I read the contract and it doesn't say I'm going to get paid any extra if I go through the table or if I put you through the table, so since I'm not going to get paid, I could really give a damn about the table." He said he's a businessman and he'll wait until Sunday. Foley said he'd put Nash through the table for free and he'd go through the table for free. Nash called him on that. Foley then bounced off the ropes and leaped onto the table, breaking it. West called him insane. Foley held the mic and laughed. [c]

-A vignette aired hyping that D'Angelina Deniro is coming to TNA on Aug. 16. That would be Sunday at Hard Justice. She drives a nice car and has boobs twice the size of ODB, apparently.

-Tenay and West then hyped the Hard Justice line-up and upcoming house shows. Then a vignette aired on the X Division cage spotfest scheduled for Hard Justice.

-Lauren interviewed Morgan, asking him about what could be the biggest match of his career up next. She asked if he's feeling pressure. Morgan said he's feeling no pressure. He called Styles a "side-show midget" and said he's had his time to flourish, but now it's time to go to the back of the bus. Isn't the back of the bus where the cool kids sit? Morgan guaranteed victory. [c]

(6) Matt Morgan pinned A.J. Styles in 7:00 to earn a spot in the main event at Hard Justice. Styles dove onto Morgan at ringside before the match. They brawled at ringside. West said the ref is giving them extra latitude. When they entered the ring, the ref rang the bell to officially start it. Morgan made a comeback with a kneelift. Sting and Kurt Angle stood at ringside and watched the match. At 2:00 Morgan threw Styles to the floor. West said if Morgan wins this match, he's all but assured of getting a spot in the MEM. He said Angle told him so. Styles made a comeback and hit a springboard dropkick off the top rope for a near fall. Morgan fought back with a sideslam at 6:00 for a two count. Morgan climbed to the top rope, but Styles knocked him off balance and then set up a superplex. Morgan headbutted out of it. Styles, though, surprised Morgan with a Pele kick and scored a believable near fall at 7:00. Morgan came back with a vicious Carbon Footprint for the clean three count. Styles got a very nice TV match out of Morgan. The bump on the final kick was great. (**3/4)

The Main Event Mafia walked to the ring applauding Morgan's win. [c]

Angle congratulated Morgan mid-ring. He said he is going to be in his first main event on Sunday. He said he knew when he first saw him that the Mafia would recruit him. Morgan said he could have sworn he was trying to sell himself to the Mafia. Angle said that detail doesn't matter because at Hard Justice it'll be Morgan vs. Angle vs. poor old Sting. Angle said, "One small last favor and you're in the Main Event Mafia." Morgan asked him what that was. Angle told him not to be coy. Morgan asked if he was seriously asking him to help him retain his title at Hard Justice. "I'm not suggesting, I'm demanding," said Angle. Morgan raised his voice and said, "Let me tell you something, little man. Nobody demands anything out of the 'Blueprint' Matt Morgan, and that includes you," said Morgan. He said he was going to leave him with one final thought: He plans to walk out as the new TNA World Heavyweight Champion. West asked, "What is Matt Morgan thinking?" He said he may never have an opportunity to be part of the Mafia again. Tenay said this isn't what the Mafia or Sting likely expected headed into Sunday.

THOUGHTS, OBSERVATIONS, NITPICKS

OPENING SEGMENT: We're off to a good start as we didn't have a long MEM interview segment to start the show...

LASHLEY INTERVIEW: He kept saying regarding MMA he has the desire to "compete" and "fight," as if those were exclusive from being in pro wrestling (which is true, but shouldn't be acknowledged in the context of a pro wrestling show)... It's always awkward to talk about an MMA fighter vs. a pro wrestler because the rules of a pro wrestling match are basically the same as an MMA fight. Punches are only illegal in pro wrestling if the punch lasts longer than five seconds, which of course doesn't ever happen unless a wrestler is against the ropes...

JETHRO ATTACKS ABYSS: They cut to a commercial in the midst of Jethro repeatedly bashing Abyss with chairshots, as if the continued beating of Abyss with a chair wasn't worth sticking around for to see how it played out. It's a bad habit of wrestling formatting and when you pause to think for a second about it, it makes no sense since viewers don't believe commercial breaks are "hard breaks," but if the promotion is going with that as the explanation, they need to say it. Instead it comes across as a lazy nonsense policy of "breaking away at a high point of excitement," but if it makes it look like the director of the show is a wuss who doesn't want violence to air or is a monkey pushing buttons when he gets excited, well, it's bad.

RHINO & JESSE NEAL: Nobody is going to take Jesse Neal seriously if he continues to wear an outfit that looks like he just stepped out of the local YMCA after a workout on the ellipse machine including tennis shoes instead of boots. Neal took a beating from both heels for a few minutes... In the Rhino-Neal situatin, are we supposed to cheer for the dumbass Neal who can't be bothered to dress like a professional or the perennial temperamental always-yelling jerk Rhino, one of the least likable babyfaces in pro wrestling history?...

WOMEN'S MATCH: I like how after Kong beat up Cody for kissing her without permission, West said, "Get permission from THAT woman before kissing her," as if only a woman's ability to kick your ass should dictate whether you ask permission before kissing her... What's with bookers/producers/agents who book the same finish multple times on a TV show. This finish was basically the same as the previous match, with the wrestler losing focus and getting rolled up from behind?...

NASH-FOLEY SEGMENT: First of all, both did a really good job staying true to their characters and carrying a long talking segment, contrasting each other in entertaining, effective fashion... When word got out that Nash talked about how he doesn't get paid to go through tables, it seemed like one of those TNA "insider reference" moments coming, but instead it totally made sense from Nash's perspective, which is that since he's all about the money, why would he go through a table for no reason. That was brought on by Foley drawing attention to the long tradition of tables breaking during contract signings, which was in danger of being too cute by half, and a bit cliched since that's been said about birthday cake segments for the last dozen years, but it played into Nash's comeback. Nash came across as a cold and calculating and materialistic, but the type of heel where you understand where he's coming from. It just happens to not be admirable. At the same time, Nash really put Foley's pride on the line by calling him out for being out of shape and into barbed wire and chairshots instead of taking the easier route by writing books... At least for now it seems they've settled on Foley being a solid babyface. His character has been damaged in recent months by being so herky-jerky in terms of being self-absorbed and insufferable one week and the Hardcore Legend the next...

MORGAN VS. STYLES: Good TV match and probably Morgan's best to date... The post-match angle was well played, as long as the obvious doesn't happen at the PPV where Morgan plays up his independence the whole match and actually tries to win, but then in the end turns on Sting "to shock everyone" and then joins the Mafia. If they do that, it will not only be predictable, but it could really lack credibility if Morgan actually hits Angle even once during the match before turning on Sting because there'd be no point in beating up Angle if he planned all along to help him win. His only incentive would be to help Angle win, not put on "a good match first" or "trick fans for 15 minutes," so he should just turn on Sting at the very start of the match...

OTHER THOUGHTS: This is just a small thing, but it's a pet peeve. Tenay keeps saying "try and take advantage of the situation" when the proper phrase is "try to take advantage of the situation." Will someone whisper that to him because it makes no sense to say "try and take..." because, if you think about what each word means in the sentence, it's either redundant or inaccurate to phrase it that way... One of the better editions of Impact in a while. They did a nice job in the end creating a sense of anticipation for how Morgan will be in the mix with Sting and Angle. They also played up a possible change in Styles with West stressing his recent losing streak...

QUOTEBOOK

Don West during Doug Williams vs. Hernandez: "I'm not gonna say our crowd is the smartest group of people who have ever showed up, but I swear I hear them chanting 'USA, USA.' Now, is that for the Mexican or for the Brit?"

Mike Tenay in response: "You're in some kind of a mood today, aren't you?"

Don West: "As I was cooking Velvet Sky breakfast this morning, she was telling me that Angelina Love had to have Cody Deaner's saliva surgically removed from her body so she could go on being beautiful."

Don West: "I just love when you say Beautiful People and tag team in the same sentence. It just seems to go together so well."

Brother Ray: "I don't want to bitch and moan, but we got screwed out of the IWGP Titles, the number one contendership, the TNA Tag Team Titles. If I knew getting screwed felt this bad, I'd have stayed a virgin."

Brother Ray: "The Steiner Brothers were a household name. Harlem Heat were a household name. But you know what? Garbage is a household name, also, and just like garbage, you're both getting old and you stink."

Don West in response: "Boy, if that ain't the pot calling the kettle black."

Kevin Nash in response to the crowd chanting "Sellout!" at him: "You don't know what sellout is. You don't even make six-fifty an hour."

Mick Foley: "You bring your intelligence, your height, and your good looks to Hard Justice and I'll bring my passion and we'll see what happens."

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