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KELLER'S WWE RAW REPORT
AUGUST 3, 2009
AIRED LIVE ON USA NETWORK

WHAT HAPPENED

HOUR ONE

-Lilian Garcia introduced Jeremy Piven by listing his current projects. He drove out in a Trans-Am and then went into his trunk where he kept an Asian pimp-type character who walked out in a leopard fur coat. Michael Cole recognized him as Dr. Ken from "The Hangover." Dr. Ken then introduced Piven as the guest host of Raw, citing that he was a three-time Emmy winner. Piven then introduced Dr. Ken as the co-star of the "no. 1 R-rated comedy movie of all time."

Piven said he's always wanted to do this, and there's something else he always wanted to do. He then ran up the ramp and raised his arms and got pyro to blast. Dr. Ken barked. The crowd's boos began to intensify. Piven said it's going to be like July 4th all night long. He said tonight they have a huge show for the fans including Triple H and Legacy. The Miz interrupted. As Piven and Ken began to belittle Miz, the crowd began to cheer them, which is a real credit to Miz. Miz ordered Piven to book him against John Cena later or he won't hesitate to put him on his... at which point Cena's music interrupted. Cena then pushed Piven's movie coming out Aug. 14.

Cena strutted out and put over Piven's movie. He got the title right and the release date right. Piven blew his name, though. He told Miz, "You'll be banned from SummerFest." Cena jumped in, "He'll be banned from SummerSlam is what you're saying." Piven added, "SummerSlam. And SummeFest, whatever that is." Piven lost a lot of credibility with WWE fans for not knowing the name of one of WWE's biggest annual PPV events for the past two decades. Piven said if he loses he'll also be banned from the Staples Center. Cena whispered another idea to Piven. Jerry Lawler said he thinks it'll get worse. Piven said it was a good idea and then said if Miz loses, he's banned from WWE Raw for all of eternity. Miz said, "You can't do that!" [c]

(1) Jack Swagger pinned Evan Bourne in 3:00. Lawler and Cole said Swagger demanded this rematch so he could try to save face after his loss las week. Swagger went after Bourne at the start aggressively. He fended off Bourne's defense and powered him into the corner. Bourne came back and went for a top rope move, but Swagger avoided it. Bourne went for a backflip splash, but Swagger lifted his knees and caught Bourne in the gut. Bourne still managed to score a leverage near fall seconds later. Swagger came back with a powerbomb and then did some push-ups, channelling Scott Steiner. Swagger then gave Bourne his gut-wrench powerbomb finisher for the win. (*)

Afterward, Swagger smiled of course, but also swing splashed Bourne twice and then set him up for another powerbomb. MVP made the save, a rare appearance by a wrestler without intro music preceding him. The crowd broke into a scattered "MVP, MVP" chant.

A commercial for Smackdown hyped that Jeff Hardy would defend against C.M. Punk this Friday. [c]

Highlights aired of Shaq on Raw last week.

Backstage, Piven told Dr. Ken were flirting with Divas. Piven told Ken he's "killing it" out there, but he needs to "switch to this arena" and become the Asian Assassin. He talked him into going after Big Show like Shaq did last week. Ken called him "The Big Fat Show." Show walked up to him and he began squeaking at a very high pitch according to my dog (I couldn't hear it.) Show said he was pissed and he wanted Shaq back in the ring. Piven said to ignore that they called him The Big Fat Show. Piven told him that he and Ken want to take him to the next level. Ken had to put something glittery in Ken's mouth to get him to shut up and not dig a bigger hole. Piven told him that he could beat Kofi Kingston later and add to his gold. Show pondered wearing two belts and then said Piven is good and that works for him.

Gail Kim and Mickie James made their ring intro as they cut to a break. [c]

(2) Jillian Hall & "Glamazon" Beth Phoenix beat Mickie James & Gail Kim when Phoenix pinned Kim in 3:00. In the end, Phoenix hit Kim from behind after she tagged herself in without Kim realizing it. (*)

A clip aired of Triple H vs. Cody Rhodes last week in the Beat the Clock challenge. Then they showed Triple H heading toward the entrance tunnel for his match against Rhodes & Ted DiBiase. [c]

WWE Fact: Last Monday, Raw was watched by more adults 18-34 tan any other program on CBS, NBC, Fox, CW, and all of cable. (That would imply it fell short of the 18-34 viewership on ABC. Still very impressive as they didn't have to break it down to a male-only demo this time.)

(3) Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase defeated Triple H in 13:00. A few minutes in they cut to a break. [c] They came back live just before the start of the second hour.

HOUR TWO

Rhodes and DiBiase stomped away at Triple H in the corner, gaining the advantage the same way Phoenix did in the previous match, with a tag coming into play that Hunter didn't see leading to DiBiase hitting Hunter from behind legally. Cole and Lawler re-set the show, noting where they were, what the show was, and that Jeremy Piven was guest hosting. Cole hyped the Show vs. Kofi and Miz vs. Cena matches Piven put together. Rhodes missed a moonsault at 10:00. Triple H stopped Rhodes from tagging out to DiBiase, the went to ringside and whipped DiBiase into the ringside barrier. Triple H returned to the ring and beat up Rhodes with a high knee and punches followed by a knee to the head and spinebuster. He then played to the crowd and set up a Pedigree, but DiBiase entered the ring and attacked him from behind with his Dream Street finisher. The ref didn't call for the DQ, but instead ordered DiBiase out of the ring and then counted a pin attempt by Rhodes. Hunter kicked out at two. Rhodes gave Hunter his Crossroads finisher and scored the pin. (**)

As Rhodes and DiBiase celebrated on the ramp, Triple H grabbed the house mic and said, "Owww! Owww! Okay, that hurt. That did not go as I planned." He said he doesn't get it. He asked the crowd if those two are just that good. The crowd booed. He said they keep beating him every which way he turns. "Maybe they're too much for me?" he said. "I used to be pretty good at this gang warfare stuff." He said maybe he should start another group. He said maybe he could bring back Evolution. "Nah, no no no. That won't work. Randy's a jerk, Batista's hurt all the time, and Flair's signing autographs at the VFW or something like that, so I don't know, maybe I got a better idea. Maybe I just make one phone call." The crowd cheered the implication of DX getting back together. He added, "If you're not down with that, I've got two words for ya'!" Triple H's music drowned out the mediocre pop that got. [c]

Chavo Guerrero walked in on Dr. Ken, Piven, and WWE Divas walking in on a screening of "The Goods." Chavo said he loved him on "Fear Factor." Piven said, "That's Joe Rogan. That's not me." Chavo said he was just playing him. Chavo mistook him again for another actor. Piven replied, "That's okay, Charo," mispronouncing his name. Piven told Chavo he's booking him against Hornswoggle. Chavo wanted to be sure his hands wouldn't be tied behind his back. Chavo noticed Ken and said, "Oh, it's the guy from Heroes!" That drew some crowd chuckles.

(4) Carlito pinned Primo Colon in 3:00. Lawler said he's seen Primo progress in recent weeks and now wonders if Carlito notices that his brother is surpassing him and is jealous. Lawler and Cole talked about Carlos, their father. Lawler said Primo wanted this match. Primo dominated, but Carlito won with a Back Stabber out of nowhere. (3/4*)

An ad for ECW pushed Christian vs. Tommy Dreamer in an Extreme Rules match. [c]

Chavo Guerrero came out for his match against Hornswoggle. Piven appeared on the big screen and said Hornswoggle came down with adult chicken pox and so his cousin, Mark-Swaggle, was taking his place. Out walked Mark Henry in a green Irish hat.

(5) Mark Henry pinned Chavo Guerrero in a squash in 1:00 after a powerslam.

Afterward, Hornswoggle popped out from under the ring and danced around Henry. Lawler said the family resemblance is amazing. Henry lifted Hornswoggle into the ring and then set up Chavo for a Hornswoggle tadpole splash. [c]

Piven told Randy Orton backstage that he knows he's upset that he's not wrestling. He suggested he be the guest ring announcer for the Cena-Miz match. Orton got upset and said, "If I could kick Vince McMahon in the skull, what makes you think for one second I would hesitate to do the same thing to either one of you." Piven said that was an excellent point. Piven told Ken he'd figure it out. Ken got worried and said he didn't like how this was going.

(6) Kofi Kingston defeated The Big Show via DQ in 6:00 to retain the U.S. Title. Before the match, Lawler and Cole revealed results of an online poll of who would win a fight between Shaq and Big Show. The fans picked Shaq by an 83-17 margin. Chris Jericho, who walked to the ring with Show in a suit to a blended remix of both of their intro music, sat next to Cole and Lawler. He said the poll results show that fans are ignorant hypocrites. He said Shaq's not a fighter. Show dominated the first five minutes. Kofi stopped a pin by draping his foot over the bottom rope. Kofi made a brief comeback, but Show came back and pummeled Kingston with punches to the kidney area while Kingston was in the ropes. The ref counted to five and Show didn't stop, so the ref DQ'd him. Show hung Kingston upside down in the corner and continued to beat him as Jericho entered the ring and applauded. (*) [c]

They went backstage to Triple H who was on the phone - a phone with a wire attached rather than cell phone (that's the first time a cord has been attached to a phone on Raw in years). He talked apparently to Michaels and tried to talk him out of retirement, saying that he's and it before and it didn't mean anything. When he asked if he was ready, he heard a dial tone. He looked confused and hurt.

John Cena's ring intro took place. [c]

Cole and Lawler announced that Sgt. Slaughter will be the special guest host next week.

(7) John Cena beat The Miz in a lumberjack match in 6:00. Before the match Piven walked out and said while he's a fan of Cena, he's an even bigger fan of Orton. He said that's why he's hand-picked every lumberjack. Piven and Ken walked to the ring. Then Orton's music played and he walked out with the WWE Title over his shoulder. He then waved his arm and out walked DiBiase and Rhodes. And then Chavo, Chris Masters, Swagger, and Carlito. Early in the match when Miz threw Cena to the floor, Masters put him a Masterlock and threw him to the ground knocked out. Carlito and Swagger threw him back into the ring and Swagger made the cover. Miz took Cena down a minute later with a hard clothesline. Cena made a comeback and went into the You Can't See Me routine, but Legacy at ringside pulled the top rope down as Cena ran into it, so Cena tumbled to the floor. They beat him up at ringside three-on-one. Dr. Ken then handed his cane to Miz, Miz swung it at Cena, but Cena blocked it and gave him an Attitude Adjustment for the win. (*1/4)

Afterward, Piven climbed to the top rope and dove at Cena. Cena caught him and swung him into Carlito and Masters as they charged at him. Ken then set up a swing to Cena's back, which Cena no-sold. Cena dropped Piven. Ken then began to try to play nice to Cena, saluting and hugging him. He exclaimed, "We did it! We did it!" in the least believable attempt at B.S.ing since George Costanza tried to B.S. his way back into his job on Monday after quitting on Friday by just showing up and saying he was kidding the week before. Cena wasn't buying it. He raised Ken's arm, then picked him up and threw him onto Masters, Swagger, and Carlito at ringside. Ken overshot everyone a bit and hit the back of his head hard on the ringside mat. He clutched his head in pain. Oops. The show closed with Cena staring down Legacy who stood on the stage looking at him.

THOUGHTS, OBSERVATIONS, NITPICKS

OPENING SEGMENT: It was a real compliment to Miz's character that Piven and Ken were booed before he came out and cheered once they began trading insults with him. Rather than be "loyal to a WWE guy" even if he's a heel, they wanted to see Miz get put in his place... Cena's starting to walk more and more like Vince McMahon every day... For a guy with three Emmy's, it was really unprofessional of him to blow the line about SummerSlam and call it SummerFest. Did that give WWE permission now to get the name of his movie and its release date wrong the rest of the show?...

PIVEN-KEN: Is it just me or does Dr. Ken sound and act like a really wasted drunk Michael Buffer might sound and act? He's got those moments of being expressionless while making strange sounds just like Buffer, and his hair and face, other than the Asian traits, reminds me of Buffer. Or is it Bischoff he reminds me of? Why of all times am I having Nitro flashbacks right now?...

HUNTER VS. LEGACY: That was the right finish. Hunter called for the two-on-one match, but had he won it, it would have really demeaned and buried DiBiase & Rhodes as threatening heels. By losing, since it was two-on-one, he saves face, but at least DiBiase & Rhodes did what they should have given the odds in their favor. His post-match promo fit the circumstances, calling for him to bring back a group from his past to engage in gang warfare to offset Legacy... I was surprised, though, to hear Triple H take a dig at Batista in his post-match promo, saying that he's "hurt all the time." The dig at Flair signing autographs as a VFW was mean-spirited and unnecessary. Flair put Triple H over as the "greatest ever" so many times, if Hunter had character, he would use his clout to refuse to take cheapshots at Flair no matter what his political standing is with WWE at this time. Moments like that say a lot about a person. Even if Hunter doesn't respect Flair as a person, he's not going to get over taking shots at Ric Flair the Wrestler. I do wonder what Batista thinks of Hunter saying that, and whether it's planting the seed for a Batista promo when he returns or just a general dig at Batista's brittleness... What was up with Hunter talking on a hard-line phone instead of a cell phone? It always bugged me a little that on TV if someone hangs up on someone, the dial tone starts instantly, when in reality you have to hang up on your side also to get a dial tone again. Maybe Michaels hung up on Triple H because he heard him being a complete prick to Batista and Flair and decided he was better off retired...

OTHER THOUGHTS: The three heels at ringside should have done a better job catching him. Whenever you see pros mess up like that, you can't help but wonder if they didn't miss him on purpose, as it sure appeared Carlito caught him and turned him sideways and basically powerbombed him into the mat. Was Dr. Ken a jerk backstage and that was their way of sending him a message with "plausible deniablity"?...

QUOTEBOOK

John Cena to Dr. Ken: "Thank you for the script. The rash is clearing up nice."

John Cena: "I had a match with him last week. It took two minutes. I can fit that into my schedule. But the WWE Universe has already seen this. On top of that, he's got a face for radio."

Jerry Lawler: "Sometimes I think this size disparity is overrated. Look at the whales are endangered, but the ants are doing just fine."

Triple H on the phone apparently responding to Shawn Michaels saying he's retired: "I know what you said. You've said that a million times in the past, I'll never come back, it never meant anything before. Were you watching the show? Did you see what happened to me? You're not watching? You're at what? You've gotta what? I thought you didn't do jobs? Listen, put all that stuff behind you. You don't need to be doing any of that. You're done with that. As of right now, I need you, man. I just need to know one thing. Are you ready?"

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