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KELLER'S RAW REPORT
JULY 13, 2009
ORLANDO, FLA.
AIRED LIVE ON USA NETWORK
BOX SCORE BASICS
HOUR ONE
-They opened with Triple H's ring intro as Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler introduced the show. Triple H soaked up the cheers of the crowd for a minute, then he talked about Vince McMahon selling and buying back Raw, and in the midst of that, the celebrity guest host concept was introduced. He then introduced Seth Green as this week's guest host. Green walked out and said he's thrilled beyond his imagination to be hosting "WWE Monday Night Raw." He said he is excited to "program matches anyway he wants." He said his first idea was a "six-diva swimsuit spectacular." He said it's in the interest of athletic competition. Triple H sarcastically agreed that it's all about the athleticism. He said he's a bit fan of Green's "outside the box" thinking. Triple H threw to a plug for "Robot Chicken." Triple H said celebrities want to be on the show, and he recently scored the biggest ever. They went to a clip of Triple H on the show, which airs in two weeks on Cartoon Network's "Adult Swim." Clips aired of a cartoon Triple H in a wrestling ring beating beat up by Dakota Fanning and then John Cena making the save by beating her up. They cut back live as Lawler chuckled.
As Triple H moved into insults of Orton, joking that neither he nor Dakota Fanning have "male genitalia," Orton walked out to his music. He entered the ring, not looking amused by the jokes. He pulled his pants down to prove Triple H wrong. Not really. Orton actually said, "I actually have something that you don't, Triple H." He held up his WWE Championship belt. Orton then looked down at Green and said he's known for having a bit of an anger management issue, so he should be careful with his insults. He called him "pathetically small." Triple H suggested that Green book a main event - Triple vs. Orton. Orton said he shouldn't make Hunter lose to him both at Night of the Champions and tonight. Triple H suggested he drop him right then and there. Orton said he had nothing to say to Triple H until NOC, but as he was about to leave the ring, he asked Green why he's there. He asked if he's ever been in a real fight. He said he's hoping by appearing on Raw, people mistake him for being a real man. As Orton was about to leave, Green asked him if he wanted to know about his main event plans. Orton stood on the ring apron and listened. He said Orton & Legacy will face Triple H & John Cena "and me." Triple H didn't think that was a great idea, based on his body language. He put his hand on his shoulder like he just made a big mistake. Triple H took a breath and indicated he'd protect him. Just don't tag him in and all will be fine.
-They showed Kelly Kelly heading toward the entrance tunnel for the swimsuit match. [c]
-They showed the band Adalitas Way in the front row holding up their CD.
(1) Alicia Fox & Maryse & Rosa Mendez beat Kelly Kelly & Gail Kim & Mickie James in 4:00. The women all wrestled barefoot. Mickie dove off the top rope onto Maryse and had an apparent three count, but Alicia broke it up. A six-way brawl then broke out. Mickie knocked Alicia out of the ring, but Maryse hit Mickie from behind and threw her into the ringpost and then DDT'd her for the win. (*)
-They went backstage to Chris Jericho approaching Green backstage. Green looked like he was a seven year old visiting Disney World for the first time. Jericho accused Green of mocking Star Wars and WWE. Green said he's wrong on both accounts and he loves to be on Raw. Jericho said he's the top star in WWE and that Green should have checked in with him before the show. Green said his goal is to give the people a great show. Jericho called Green a parasite and a drone. Green said if Jericho is just going to bring negativity, maybe he should just leave. Jericho said he won't leave because he has an agenda. He said he has something to say and he's going to say it whether he likes it or not. He told him to stay out of his way. [c]
-As they returned from the break, they showed a wide view from high up in the arena, which revealed that they had the Raw stage set up half way into the arena, cutting off half of the arena.
-Primo Colon stood in the ring as his new entrance music played. He called out Carlito. Instead, Miz walked out and asked what happened to the other Colon, mispronouncing it colon. He said, "Carlito is out, and the Miz is in." He said since Maryse is probably watching, he's going to leave him "laying" in the middle of the ring like the rejected brother that he is, "because I am The Miz, and I am awesome!"
(2) The Miz pinned Primo Colon in 3:00. Primo went after Miz aggressively at the start. Lawler said he'd be taking his pent up aggression from the Carlito attack out on Miz. Miz made a comeback. Cole called Miz a "goof" and told Lawler to check out Miz's blogging from the Australian tour. Primo made a spirited comeback that included a cartwheel of sorts. He then hit a bodyblock off the second rope for a two count. Carlito's music then played and he walked out, looking more heelish in his demeanor. Carlito distracted Primo leading to Miz scoring the pin. (3/4*)
Carlito kicked Primo after the match and then spit a chewed up bit of an apple in his face.
They went to Cole and Lawler at ringside. They addressed Edge's injury, saying he could be out for months. Lawler wondered what would happen to the Unified Tag Team Titles now. [c]
A clip aired from WWE Superstars last night of Hornswoggle fighting Chavo and scoring the pin with a frog splash.
They went backstage to Green telling Hornswoggle he's putting Chavo in a rematch against him with an arm tied behind his back. The Big Show then walked up to Green. Green said he wanted to see him because he wanted advice from him. He asked if he had any tips for him going into the six-man tag main event. Show told him to watch his match later, but any specific advice will cost him. Show then imitated the "one million dollars" line from "Austin Powers." Green mock-laughed at his impression.
(3) Jack Swagger pinned MVP in 9:00. They had a good staredown at the start. The crowd chanted "MVP, MVP." Swagger outwrestled him the start. Swagger stood up and got in MVP's space. MVP smacked him to the mat. Swagger bailed out. Both MVP's and Swagger's body language in this sequence was great. [c] MVP rammed Swagger into the ringside railing after the break. Back in the ring, Swagger took over by avoiding a Playmaker and throwing MVP into the ringpost at 6:00. Lawler said Swagger is "deceptively big." Swagger worked over MVP's arm and then gave him a gut-wrench powerbomb for the win. Lawler called that a huge victory for Swagger. Good match. (**1/4)
WWE Fact: Visitors spend more time on WWEUniverse.com than Twitter, MySpace, and Facebook.
They went to Cole and Lawler at ringside who again addressed Edge's injury. Cole said it happened at a live event in San Diego and referred to it as a "terrible injury." Lawler warned viewers the pictures they were about to show were graphic. Lawler said a friend of his had this injury and he was in a cast for a year. He said it could be career-ending, and at the very least a very long recovery time for Edge.
HOUR TWO
Jericho walked out to address the injury to his championship partner, Edge. He completely sold out Edge, saying he knew he was injury prone. He called the fans "pathetic simpletons," but he revealed that he had written into his contract that he could pick a new partner if Edge got injured, saying Edge is so injury prone that he foresaw this possibility. He said he is smarter than the fans.
Mark Henry walked out. Jericho appeared to not approve of Henry coming out, but Cole and Lawler had to play dumb and pretend that he was Jericho's choice as a new partner. Jericho told Henry that he had someone like him in mind. Henry put his arm around Jericho and asked the fans if they think he and Jericho would make a great team. The crowd mostly booed. Henry, with his arm still around Jericho's shoulder, said, "I didn't come out here to be your partner; I came out here to be your opponent." Henry then attacked Jericho and stripped him off his suit and shirt. Jericho was left in his pants and tie. If Jericho were Ric Flair, he'd have lost his pants, too. Jericho bailed out to ringside and yanked off his tie, although he struggled with the knot for a while.
(4) Mark Henry defeated Chris Jericho via countout in 1:00. Lawler said Green just made the match official seconds after the ref ordered the bell to be rung to start it. Henry beat up Jericho in dominating fashion early. [c]
(5) Hornwswoggle pinned Chavo Guerrero in 2:00: Chavo had one armed tied behind his back. Lawler and Cole cracked each other up with various comments about being tiedup. Hornswoggle controlled early, but Chavo caught him with a boot as he charged him in the corner. Hornswoggle countered a suplex attempt into a small package for the win. Lawler said, "I've heard of small packages before, but that was one for the books." Cole said Chavo's got to be so embarrassed.
Backstage Randy Orton told Ted DiBiase that he was proud of him for slapping his father last week. DiBiase said his dad never wanted him to be part of Legacy, he wanted him to be a carbon copy of him. He said he'll never be like his father. Cody Rhodes said he heard a rumor that his father, Dusty Rhodes, might be guest G.M. of Raw next week. He said unlike some people, he has a great relationship with is dad. Orton then gave Rhodes and DiBiase a pep talk regarding the main event, but he implored them not to touch Green so he can take him out personally. [c]
A commercial hyped Vladimir Kozlov challenging Tommy Dreamer for the ECW Title on Tuesday night's ECW program.
Kofi Kingston came out with his U.S. Title belt to his full ring intro to provide commentary for the next match.
(6) The Big Show defeated Evan Bourne in 3:00. Cole told Kofi that he still doesn't know whom he's facing at NOC. Kofi said his opponent doesn't know he'll be facing him yet, either, though. Bourne tried to avoid Show early, but Show caught him and chopped him and threw him across the ring at 2:00. Bourne hit a top rope dropkick, which staggered Show, but when charged at Show, Show speared him hard to the mat. Show then submitted him with a camel clutch. He didn't let go, so Kofi ran in and made the save, kicking Show out of the ring, drawing a signature shriek from Lawler. (*)
They showed the rock band "Sick Puppies" at ringside holding up their CD.
Cole and Lawler plugged the line-up for Night of Champions including Jericho teaming with a mystery partner against Rhodes & DiBiase.
Santino was playing with his action figure and making out with a diva doll. Green was watching him. Santino asked if he could be on his "Electric Poultry" show. Before Green could answer, Cena and Triple H walked in. The crowd squealed with excitement at Cena's first appearance. When Hunter said he was playing with a doll, Santino said it's an action figure and there's a difference. Green told Cena and Triple H was getting more nervous by the second. Cena told Green if he goes AWOL on him, he'll pound his face into mush. Green got worried, but then Cena said he was just kidding. Cena said, "So, are you 5-foot-7?" Green said, "5-4, actually." Green then pulled out an inhaler to "nerd-up" a little more. Triple H and Cena looked at each other worried. Triple H told Green to just stick close to his side. Cena said he'd take care of him. Triple H told Green, "With all due respect, if you want to hang out with Dudley Do-Right over here..." Cena said, "This doesn't need to end up in an argument. To be honest, we both know he's going to get killed anyway." The crowd erupted in laughter. Green began to almost cry. Triple H looked down at him and said, "He does have a point." Good segment with everyone playing their part really well.
Cole excitedly told Lawler that the guest host of Raw next week in North Carolina will be ZZ Top. [c]
They showed a list of DVDs and "12 Rounds" as number one. Lawler congratulated Cena.
Green walked out first. Then Triple H. Cole said, "Here comes the back-up." When Triple H came out, Cole said he looks like he's in the best shape of his career. (Someone's insecure.) Then Cena came out to mega-star pop.
(7) Triple H & John Cena & Seth Green beat Randy Orton & Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase in an est. 10:00 via DQ. They joined the match in progress with Triple H beating up Cody. A minute later Cena held Rhodes and tagged in Green, who punched a prone Rhodes in the face. When Rhodes got upset, Green bailed out to ringside. Rhodes chased him, but Triple H cut him off. Triple H helped Green run into the ring and score a two count. Green tagged in Cena. Rhodes gave Cena a backdrop and then DiBiase interfered against Cena as the ref's attention was elsewhere. Orton tagged in and gave Cena a DDT off the middle rope. The heels isolated and stomped away at Cena in the corner. Triple H got a hot tagged in at 5:00. A six-way brawl broke out. Well, five-way as Green stayed out of it. The faces cleared the ring, but Orton surprised Triple H with an RKO. Green made the save to break up the pin, which got a very big pop. Orton looked at Green who backed up. Cole said he had nowhere to run, which is true unless you count jumping out of the ring like he did in the exact same situation with Cody five minutes earlier. Orton kicked Green in the gut, and then backed up to set up the Punt Kick. Cena speared Orton as he charged at Green. DiBiase and Rhodes re-entered and joined Orton in beating down Cena. The ref called for the bell when Rhodes brought a chair into the ring. Triple H countered with his sledgehammer. Cody bailed out as Hunter began swinging the hammer. He almost hit Cena. Cena backed down and stared back at Triple H. Eventually Green joined Cena and Hunter in celebrating their win together. (**1/4)
THOUGHTS, OBSERVATIONS, AND NITPICKS
SETH GREEN: When Green first walked out, I had difficulty coping with my David Arquette flashbacks... He seemed comfortable in the ring and held his own just fine on the mic, not coming across as either hamming it up in a corny way or seeming above it or intimidated by the whole thing... The main event was really well done, with Green playing his role perfectly and him being put in the right positions to neither embarrass himself nor embarrass pro wrestling or its fans, but also deliver enough involvement that it didn't seem like an empty stunt that they bailed out on or didn't know what to do with...
OTHER THOUGHTS: Carlito's main missing ingredient was a sense that he had some semblance of street toughness. He seemed soft. His new demeanor has potential to move him into a money player if he can parlay that into a more thuggish and street tough in-ring style... Swagger getting a clean win over MVP shows he's on a fast track to a higher tier as a heel. MVP is not a jobber, so for Swagger to get a clean pin on him in a match with a backstory like this match had really indicates he's on the rise... When Lawler said it'd be next to impossible to compete with one hand tied behind his back, Cole asked why. Lawler's exasperated reaction was hilarious... They did a good job getting "save-face" mileage out of Cena's "12 Rounds" doing well in DVD release after the disaster, which Miz openly mocked, for the theatrical release...
QUOTEBOOK
Triple H to Seth Green: "I never called Randy Orton a whiny little girl even though Randy Orton is a whiny little girl."
Triple H: "I have all the respect in the world for both Randy Orton and Dakota Fanning. They share something in common. Neither one of them has male genitalia."
Jerry Lawler on Hornswoggle: "He just spent the day as Disney World. They couldn't get him off of the 'It's a Small World' ride. He was on it over and over and over."
Jerry Lawler to Michael Cole regarding Chavo Guerrero having one arm tied behind his back: "I bet you get tied up all the time."
Santno to Seth Green: "So, do you think I could have a part on your show, 'Electric Poultry.'" Send feedback on this article to pwtorch@gmail.com and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.
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