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BBL editorial by Wade Keller, Torch editor
Headline: More fun G.M. ideas
Originally Published: August 2, 2003
PWTorch Newsletter #1037
Why stop with Mike Adamle as the Raw G.M. If the idea is to shock people by continuing to have people in positions of power in WWE make seemingly senseless moves, why not go further? Here are some other "totally unexpected shocker" decisions WWE could make to really shake things up and show how "truly unpredictable Raw can be." (Some fit Raw's new PG rating; others not.)
First idea: Hire a pacifist to take over Raw. This could be an actor with no knowledge of pro wrestling. Play into that. Have this person appointed G.M. and watch an episode as usual, without any input. Then show this pacifist taking notes and appearing to appaled at what's taking place. Then beginning the next week, do a whole stretch of shows where disputes are settled by mediators and social workers in mid-ring. No violence. No punches. No headlocks. No collar and elbow hook-ups. Instead, everyone talks out their problems. The end results: It works, Raw viewers realize violence is no way to settle a dispute, and everyone decides to spend Monday nights at the library learning more about the world or volunteering at a local homeless shelter or working with underprivileged kids. Okay, stock holders may not like this since it would be bad for business, but boy would it be unexpected and shocking and get people talking.
Second Idea: Hire a video game programmer to run Raw. He can watch an episode of Raw before taking over and remark how dangerous everything appears, how many miscues led to injuries or potential injuries, how much trouble it all seemed to set up the ring and provide security for the wrestlers, and how sweaty and smelly all of the wrestlers got. So he suggests instead that they just create whole wrestling matches by computer. The wrestlers still come to the ring to argue and cut promos, but once it's time for a match, everyone better turn to the big TitanTron to see the CGI action at it's best. No boring matches. No missed moves. No injuries. No wardrobe malfunctions. No slightly bloated divas who didn't fast long enough before the show to look "sexy." No, ahem, "wellness nonsense" to reduce the physiques of the superhero sports entertainers. No bald spots. No sweaty smelliness. Okay, stock holders may not like this since fans would start to realize they can create four-star matches at home while being part of creating the action, plus it would put a dent in house show business if wrestlers didn't actually wrestle in the ring.
Third Idea: Flaming Gay G.M. There's got to be somebody over on Bravo or Logo or HGTV whom WWE could hire to tweak some things about the show. Matches would be booked strictly on which two men the gay G.M. wanted to see rub up against each other. He could even the score after years of WWE treating women like sex toys by booking Cena vs. Batista, for instance, in a bikini briefs slumber party pillow fight. Or perhaps book Cody Rhodes vs. Hardcore Holly in an jock strap match where the winner is the first person to strip his opponent down to his jock strap. The women would be booked based on who had the most fabulous ring outfits. Val Venis would of course take on a more prominent role on the show. Randy Orton would become the new "interview boy" who would model underwear while holding the mic for wrestlers in the ring. There would be "reveals" at the end of the show for make-overs for various wrestlers (male and female) and the office and locker rooms. There would be a greater focus on the stylists and make-up experts behind the scenes, with personality profiles and commentary from them about what they've done differently this week with the look of various superstars. Of course, stock holders might not like this because while it might attract a lost demographic and take a dent out of Bravo's ratings, they might drive away a large portion of straight male viewers and the "in denial" bunch who would feel uncomfortable with their unexpected reaction to the changes in the show. But it would be totally unexpected and shocking!
Fourth Idea: Put a child in charge of the show. About eight or nine years old could be perfect. Every segment could last about a minute before he got bored and, from the stage, called for something new to happen. Big time matches would be booked on a whim, sometimes announced mid-show and taking place at the end of the show, without proper build-up. There'd be a disregard for logic and time-tested narrative conventions. Storylines would be dropped from week to week. There'd be a lot of yelling and screaming to get across emotions. Just to reenforce what was happening so everyone understood even the most obvious "twists and turns," the announcers would repeat anything a wrestler said and tell viewers what they should be thinking. Girls would be treated as yucky. World class athletes would be presented as clowns. There'd be a lot of cartoony characters, and even better, some of them would imitate other wrestlers. There'd be zany dancing, too! Of course, stock holders might be upset because TNA would sue for copyright infringement of their patented booking formula, perfected by Vince Russo, Dutch Mantel, and Jeff Jarrett.
Fifth Idea...
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