BROKEN NEWS: MIND-BLOWING TNA SURPRISE: HOGAN RETURNS, INNOVATES "TWO-SIDED RING"
Feb 27, 2011 - 5:01:37 PM |
BY JULES BENTLEY - PWPOTATO REPORTER
In a show punctuated by three dozen re-airings of the pink-bandanna Madison Square Garden Press Conference, TNA's February 24th "Impact" broadcast concluded with living legend Hulk Hogan returning to air and debuting TNA's new, never-before-seen two-sided wrestling ring.
"It's showtime now! We're gonna skyrocket this business, brother!" Hogan assured an uneasy, confused, or simply numb Impact Zone crowd. "That weird four-sided ring is associated with bad memories and bad business, like that feud between the Motor City Machine Guns and Beer Money. That should'a been Nasty Boys vs. the Band, and everyone knows it!"
Besides Hogan's return to TV, the breathtaking shocker of a show also re-introduced as an on-air personality beloved tycoon Vince Russo, often called "The Qadaffi of Creative." Jeremy Borash and a headache-inducingly shaky camera found Russo backstage, reclining on a pile of money and wrestling fans' shattered dreams.
"Mr. Russo," Borash asked, "how is anyone supposed to wrestle in a ring that literally lacks any depth? It's just two posts with ropes strung between them."
Mr. Russo smiled in a very infuriating way. "Wrestle schmestle," he said. "The Beautiful People can still do their entrance, can't they? And there's plenty of room for what the fans really want... a bunch of old dudes in weird outfits having a shouting match! I'm a genius."
Closing out the show, as a special extra-surprise, Hogan also introduced two exciting new additions to the TNA roster, Brutus "the Barber" Beefcake and Steve "Mongo" McMichael. McMichael, looking not a day over 50, grunted and sweated as he laboriously climbed back and forth over the single set of ring-ropes delineating the now two-dimensional ring.
"Wowww!!!" Hogan exclaimed. "Now that's impact, brother! I smell money already! "
The TNA crowd, apparently won over, welcomed the wrestlers back with an emphatic "You've Still Got It!" chant.
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