By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

“And with these humble tools
We can trigger any emotion we choose
But we’ll just settle to pump out repeated relics
Diluted with time”
-“Warm Smiles Do Not Make You Welcome Here” by Enter Shikari

Here are two grand sweeping statements I’m making:

TNA PPVs are uneventful.
WWE PPVs are shameful.

Last night, many fans, who I’m guessing were probably very drunk, were tweeting and texting that Santino should have won the World Title gold.

“WWE missed a golden opportunity”
“The crowd was so hot for him”
“Santino is just like the Knicks’s Jeremy Lin”

(At this point, your humble writer hangs his head and cries.)

Yes, the wrestling equivalent of this guy…




Could have been champion of the world. Yeah!

Hey, when WWE pays Khali what I would make in ten years to basically stand, chop, and lie down in a minute’s time, it’s not hard to see that WWE is kinda lacking in the talent department.

But, c’mon. If it wern’t for Taker-Trips, WWE’s campiness level would be at an all-time high.

And, then WWE followed this up with Farty Narty, cottage cheese jokes, and the embodiment of loserness, Jack Swagger. Bad move. Despite being the United States champion, Jack Swagger’s the type of dude who could be sold to the black market for some Muscle Milk for Vinnie. People would say, "Now, that's a good use of him."

Weirdest moment of the night: the friendly Jerry Lawler intones that all of those Cena haters can’t jack up as much weight as John Cena does. Because winners like John Cena take steroids, chumps.

It was something a heel announcer would say to get himself over. This Vince-o-Mac line bummed me out more than that Cena-Kane ambulance match. The reason why Kane lost that match is because that monster was concerned about only hurting Cena to the extent that Cena would miss TV time, but not WrestleMania. Because damned demon killers care about the star-studded event. What a thoughtful gesture, Kane.

There are two types of Cena haters:

(1) Ten-year olds creating “Cena Sux” pics on Microsoft Paint (back off, that's my department).

(2) Thirty-year olds really tired of seeing the same guy act, talk, and win the same way since 2006, voicing their opinion, and being told that they’re just brainless haters while WWE does the same brainless Cena thing.

Heck, Cena’s rapping character was dope for some people back seven years ago. The reason why the Punk-Cena feud was a success is that Cena was actually challenged. And, it wasn’t a given that he would “overcome the odds” (yawn).

That Cena video package showed Cena as a military-lovin’, comfortable-in-his-own skin type of guy. To many fans, the Rock is a military-lovin’, comfortable-in-his-own skin type of guy. WWE’s trying to have their cake and eat it, too. I don’t get the feeling of being worried about John Cena getting booed loudly at Mania. Just pipe-in some loud cheers live, guys. That’s authenticity.

And, as far as Rock not being ready for wrestling, all it would take is one look at G.I. Rock’s muscles and one kip-up and all doubts would be erased.

In my heart of hearts, I’m still craving a Cena heel turn at WrestleMania, for the sake of him at least becoming interesting again. Would it be bad for business if WWE’s role model and golden babyface became evil? Yes, it would be ghastly. For people outside of wrestling would have no realization that Cena is playing a character. And, that it’s scripted. It’s not like 1970s wrestling in the Deep South. “No sir, you will not promote our fabulous moon pies. You are evil! EVIL!”




That Cena-Kane feud...whew, it’s finally over. Eve got to smack with Cena, Cena stole Ryder’s girl, and, in return, Ryder responded with dumbness and weakness that was actually quite special. Ryder tried to muster up some anger towards Cena, but realized that he can’t bench press more than Cena, so his argument was invalid.

Is Kofi Kingston the new John Morrison? He does amazing moves, but his pushes are too few and far in-between. And, once Kofi does something amazing that causes everyone to tweet, management cuts his legs out from under him. Maybe Kofi should go back to being that fun-loving, ganja-smoking, Jamaican brother.

Sometimes superiors/coaches/bosses tell their underlings that they can’t do it, they should just give up and leave. That in turns either makes the person hungry to prove this theory wrong, or fold under the pressure and the higher-ups find out how much conviction this person really has to stay hungry. Miz to me represent to me this type of ideal. Perhaps it was true that he got sloppy and lazy when he held the WWE Title. I do think he needs a character update, and he’s not the most talented cat in the ring, but the effort he shown in the Chamber match was noticeable.

Meanwhile, Dolph Ziggler has recurring nightmares that he’s turning into Billy Gunn.

Everyone knew that Jericho was going to square off against Punk at Mania, so the finish for the Raw Elimination Chamber match was fine.

What wasn’t fine was that uncreative bit with John Laurinaitis and the returning Alberto Del Rio and Christian. “Dude, you don’t need to go that deep. Success is just showing up. We’ll have Jennifer Hudson’s hubby take a picture! People will tweet that picture and we’ll rule Twitter once again!” Here, everyone, here’s a picture of Christian holding a cat. D’awww. Now tweet it. My work is done.




You should rave about Sheamus, even though you can’t remember a bloody single match the Irishman has had in the last three months. I wouldn’t be surprised if they interjected Randy Orton into that Sheamus vs. Bryan match in order to bring some attention to these goobers fighting each other.

Daniel Bryan is on a roll, though. When he first won the World Title, People went, “That’s cool. Um, how long before he loses the gold?” But, slowly and surely he’s become the star of Friday nights, along with the musical talents of Natalya.

Championships don’t need to change hands at every PPV. It doesn’t need to happen. But there needs to be some great takeaways. For many, it was the notion that WWE barely has one hour worth of meaningful content for a three-hour PPV. I don’t blame them. It’s hard being creative. Uh, here’s a picture of Shaq and Hulk Hogan. Tweet it. My work is done.




Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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