By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

“Born and blazin’ rotten raisin’
Fingers up time to waive ‘em
Show these players playin
That they better get their ass to prayin”
-“Gold Cobra” by Limp Bizkit

Before I kick things off, Austin Aries has a message.




Instead of directing his anger toward illegal streamers, Aries should have directed his anger toward TNA: the Destination X hype was pretty offensive and... there was Victory Road. But, I digress. Going into the PPV, the audience was left with nothing to do but shrug their shoulders and say, “Well, it might be good.” There was very little in the way of feuds or storylines to care about.

Overall, there was better action than the awful WWE Capitol Punishment, that’s fer damn sure. Sometimes, promotions forget to put out a good wrestling show on PPV and instead just chuck out “shocking” storyline-driven moments like...questionable ref decisions to pad out feuds! Woah!

Apparently, Douglas Williams fought Baskin Robbins. Yup, he just walked into a store and started German suplexing employees in the ice cream. You should order the replay. Speaking of ice cream, stay tuned.

Jeremy Borash on commentary reminded me a bit of Smackdown’s Josh Mathews, with his dry and banal selling. Borash did a blood-curling Don West “YA GOT TO BE FRIGGIN KIDDING ME” war cry at one point and his head exploded, with blood strewn on Professor Tenay’s face. Once again, order the replay.




Abyss and Kendrick are waging war, but it’s not resonating with me. Right now, I’m looking forward is Abyss throwing Ziggy Stardust off a very high mountain in Japan. Kendrick does not represent the X Division I want to see (Aries, Low-Ki, Evans, and Zema do). Here’s some enlightenment from the zen master Ta Hui: “But if you can abandon it all at once, so you neither think nor calculate, then these very sentiments of discriminating consciousness are the subtle wisdom of true emptiness- there is no other wisdom that can be attained."




Give a nice pat on the back and a Best Buy gift card to A.J. Styles and Christoper Daniels for their match, as well. Apparently at the next PPV, they’ll fight to see who’s the better Angry Birds player. A limp “let’s see who the better man is” story don’t sell no PPVs, mmm hmm.

What else don’t sell no PPVs, homies? Love fests. As in the subtle love fest with John Cena and C.M. Punk. At this point in the storyline, with the undercurrent of "respect" and anti-Rock sentiment on last week's house shows, I imagine before their PPV match they’ll shake hands and go...

Cena: Man, Vince is a big hobag. It sucks you’re getting fired.

Punk: You see that Destination X four-way match? Crazy ass moves. I watched the PPV in bed with your wife. We fed each other olives.

Cena: Oh ho ho ho you kidder. Now let’s do it WWE style: 20 moves in 20 minutes!




Watching the end of Raw, I thought the Punk-Cena feud almost jumped the shark in front of millions. "You're the New York Yankees?" Oh, I can't believe Punk said that to Cena. Them fighting words. Maybe the PPV match should take place in St. Jetersburg. But, goodness, it's been a long while since a PPV main event felt huge.




That’s it for me. Yup, Limp Bizkit is still (amazingly) around. Oh jeah! Get WWE on the phone!

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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