By Shane McKinley, PWTorch absurdity specialist

"I work out, everyday
You sexy! Yeah, that's what they say
I eat right, and shake a minute
You lost 30 pounds! Yeah, they say I did it
Look, I don't care what you think
I'mma do my thing tonight"
-"Hot Dog" by LMFAO

I'm sitting here Indian-style typing this out like my man C.M. Punk. I'm just going to sit here...and tell you how much WWE has lost its edge and why there's no hope for the future with this company and why your money is just filling pockets to a soulless corporation. Have a nice day.




Reflecting on C.M. Punk's promo, it got hardcore fans buzzing ("Over-analyze in 3...2...1...go!") and although Punk's promo could be viewed as inherently flawed by being too "insider," I thought it was the right call to make after the goofy nonsense that was Truth vs. Cena. Or, just in response to the entire WWE product right now. Repeat Raws with gimmicks and '90s stars hosting has made Raw feel like Mad Libs booking. (Tonight, __________ will guest host Monday Night Raw and tonight it's ________ night!) Feuds stalling. Feuds that won't die. Annoying announcing. And so forth. With Raw these days, there's a whole lot of copying and pasting going on.

Back to Punk. Not a lot of guys in the business could have pulled off a promo like that. Less-focused guys would have just started babbling and ranting, but C.M. Punk handled that promo with a lot of skill. I think why it stands out so much is that there hasn't been a promo like that on WWE television in a long time. Last month, R-Truth was dressing up like a Confederate and now Punk is dropping John Laurinaitis and ripping on the "son-in-law." I believe the beauty of this is many fans simply do not know how this is going to play out, but they want to be in on the ride.

So, why did everyone get lit up? Mainly, because the storyline so far has felt "adult," sans curse words and murder charges. It deals with emotions people feel for Punk during his WWE stint. It's clear he's money on the mic and in the ring, but "wrestlers" aren't headlining next year's WrestleMania. The "brands" are (the "Cena Brand" and "The Rock Brand"). Is the business just about selling t-shirts, PPVs, etc., and the "wrestling" itself is just a cute thing that's kept dragged along? There are "wrestlers" and then there's "Superstars."




C.M. Punk's character has that "outsider" role to it, and it's something I can relate to when watching the WWE product. Of course, Punk put the fans on blast as well, for mindlessly "fueling the monster."

The most noticeable part for me about Punk's promo was that he doesn't hate Cena. Actually he likes him. But, Cena's just a big ass-kisser. I find it hard to hate on Cena (I should be like Batista and go, "NO HATERS ALLOWED! I HATE HATERS!" Geez, you big Batista baby). I find it hard to be a true hater when commentating on wrestling. "Oh, how about you do what I do? Wrestle in front of millions? Book eight hours of TV content each week? Travel up and down these roads?"

In any walk of life, you'll find if you don't have your share of haters, then you're not making an impact. This Cena-Punk feud has tapped into that WWE hate. Well, is it really hate if people don't care about the product? So that's why the notion of Punk leaving with WWE's most treasured prize makes fans think, "I've got to see what happens with that." If Punk's leaving (even if taking a sabbatical), you don't expect WWE to give him a whole lot of love when he's going out the door (that's not their style).

Just imagine going from the Cena-Punk feud, with all of its emotions and chemistry to...the Cena-Del Rio feud for Summerslam. "It's my destiny...blah blah blah." At this point with Del Rio, no thanks. Like always, destiny can wait a little longer. I would rather have the "Summer of Punk" storyline thrown about.

Ooh, Punk talked about when Vince is dead! That's taboo! Cue up: the "Vince is dead" angle, Stephanie thanking God her daddy is still in a coma, etc. I thought the promo worked because viewers have been thrown WWE pap for so long and here's Punk "breaking the fourth wall," so to speak. I'm just grateful WWE actually has a feud worth tuning into for.




-Turns out that being a "Paul Heyman Guy" entails becoming disillusioned with WWE and leaving in a big, sloppy, nasty, brutal, worse-than-the-Hogans-divorcing type of way.

-Reliable 'ol Mark Henry. You hire a guy like Mark Henry and you're getting a long-term investment. It seems like ever so often, he gets a monster push.

-Shawn Micheals didn't think too much of Dubba C Dubba. Hmm. When did HBK start dressing like Larry the Cable Guy?

-On his next YouTube show, Zack Ryder will say, "I wasn't on Raw, but here are some Ryder signs just to prove how over I am." Actually, that's every show. The hard road of a YouTube sensation.

I wonder if outtakes of Zack Ryder's YouTube show will ever be made available. There are probably clips of some of his hotel neighbors pounding on the wall and yelling oddly specific things like, "Quit trying to get over! You're always going to be stuck on Superstars!"

-Hey, TNA. There's two ways TNA can go with Sting suddenly losing his marbles. (1) He really can't let it go that Hulk Hogan turned heel back in 1996. (2) The Hulkster ate Sting's Yoplait yogurt that was CLEARLY marked with Sting's name. I'm going with the yogurt. Maybe Sting can create a catchphrase similar to "Little Jimmys" as he prances around. His character did need a change, so Poof! He's insane, folks.




Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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