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Absurdity of it All
ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - Wrestling Matters: Better Stip For Angle-Jarrett, X Division Chumps, "TNA Noire: The Video Game"

May 21, 2011 - 10:32:20 AM
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“Fire, fire upon your wicked tongue
Lies, lies, lies you're trying to spoil my fun”

-“Lies” by The Rolling Stones

Oh man, what a great show that was on Thursday night. I was waiting for it all week. And it managed to deliver the goods.

Yes, episode #14 of "Z! True Long Island Stories" was a hit.

Oh, and Impact changed colors. Bischoff beat up some smurfs. Good times.

Don’t blame TNA for the rotten reboot you saw Thursday night. Apparently Judgment Day is this Saturday, so they let Easy Eric have his kicks in angering wrestling fans. Seeing an Impact devoted to Uncle Eric squashing the whittle Xites was just plain bad.

Abyss as the new X Division champion? I guess the feeling inside TNA is that a one vs. one X Division feud to showcase the glory days of X Division action is just pure, hot garbage, so they cooked up “Bischoff bashes vanilla midgets.” I’m not interested in seeing these X Division guys get their “revenge” on Uncle Eric and Abyss, and it’s frustrating to go through yet another “what’s the point?” modern X Division storyline. You’re missing the point of what the X Division was all about, fellas.

Could Joe square off against Abyss to bring back “home” the X Division belt? Doesn’t that sound right? Too bad Crimson is higher in the pecking order, and the Joe- Crimson feud is still being played up. Why not go the nostalgic route for Slammiversary and have a reverse battle royal featuring the X Division and Abyss for the X Division gold?

I kind of dig that Eric Young will become TV champion soon. That’s nice. I enjoy seeing “TNA favorites” like Young and Abyss win meaningless belts. I wonder why Young wouldn’t just hock the belt at a pawn shop and say the thing got stolen from him by Sangriento or something.

Angle likes to say “bitch” a lot. Classy guy. The Angle-Jarrett feud now features some sort of bizarre #1 contenders match jammed awkwardly with Angle’s medals on the line. (Why not “loser has to kiss a pig” stipulation while you’re at it?) But, I think the real stip should be Angle can’t say “bitch” ever again if he loses. Can the Olympic Gold medalist overcome it?

angle.JPG



Tommy Dreamer. Your mouth probably turned into a grimace just reading his name. After all, Dreamer’s the man who pinned A.J. Styles. It’s insane. The main takeaway is this: Styles, the guy who many people think can be a huge draw and one of the few unique highpoints of the TNA product, was beaten by busted down Dreamer (nobody remembers Bully Ray helping). Apparently there’s nothing “phenomenal” about Styles. Reason why this feud exists? “Dreamer must have co-signed a loan with a certain somebody” leads the way. Second is “blackmail.” And way, way down the list is because this is helping Styles.

After watching the Robert Roode-Ric Flair promo, I was reminded of the similar Jay Lethal-Ric Flair promo and feud, which tried to accomplish the same thing of building a youngin up. Other similarities, too. Lethal was a small "Macho Man" Randy Savage. Roode is a smaller Triple H lookalike, but with brown, greasy hair. Hot single pushes are a dicey thing in TNA, so I fear a bit for Bobby. His singles push might also mean that James Storm has to hang around Chris Harris. Sorry about your damn luck.

Oh man, I waited two hours to see what Anderson would look like! Check out that old-school Sting makeup! And those groovy pants. TNA: Where guys dressing up like other guys matters. And crock teases to serve up some sort of a “main event” for the reboot show. Mmmm. Banality.

I’m wondering if we should hire a private gumshoe to find the answers to the many baffling questions about TNA. I've been playing some L.A. Noire and it gets me thinking...

tnanoire.jpg



Player: Mr. Bischoff. Why did you give the ol' Impact the bum rush?

Bischoff: Well we felt that it was time to give fans what they really wanted and…

Player: What’s the grift? This whole “wrestling matters thing” is a swindle.

Bischoff: I have no earthly idea what you are talking about, wise guy. Go climb up your thumb.

eric-bischoff.jpg



Player: The word is on the street TNA is bleeding mazuma, scratch, spinach, money. And you’ll do anything to keep Spike TV executives happy.

Bischoff: You’re bumping gums, peeper.

Player: I have signed confessions from TNA staff and Spike TV executives. Seems they were tightening the screws on TNA. Mr. Jay Lethal knew about what was going to happen. You told him to scram. I’m not a sap, Mr. Bischoff. And neither are TNA fans. Confess. Confess that TNA is still the same ol' bunk.

Bischoff: Boy, you must be really hungry. Would you like some “cabbage?”

(You have received a bribe. Do you wish to accept?)

(You have chosen “Yes”)

trophy.JPG



Player: On second thought, consider this case closed.

(Turns to leave)

Bischoff: Oh, I forget to give you something.

Player: What’s that?

Bischoff: Some lead poisoning.

(You receive five shots in the back. Game over.)

Bischoff: Ha ha, kid. Now time to beat up some X Division pansies.

Narrator: Will anybody find out if wrestling actually matters in TNA? The mystery goes unsolved...


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