By Shane McKinley, PWTorch specialist

"No excuses and no surprise
The real McCoy is a look in your eyes!
I don't rate, they can alienate this American selfish everything!"
-"Mission Statement" by Stone Sour

NFL Pre-season may be over, but there's still one more meaningless exhibition to take place: TNA's No Surrender. This hoedown feels like another Impact episode that will only serve to pump up the magical "10.10.10" Bound for Glory PPV. Judging from the ice-cold PPV buildup, buying No Surrender will just mean more money for Dixie Carter's cosmetics fund. I find myself getting philosophical about TNA's PPV this Sunday. No Surrender: Suppose they aired a PPV and nobody watched.

We get it that TNA likes to have great matches on Impact in order to sway WWE viewers that "this is where the action is," but it sure hurts their PPVs. Coupled this with a real lack of motivating storylines and you've got a weird business model. Everyone knows that if you miss Angle vs. Jeff, you'll catch the equivalent on the next Impact.

-Pope is an entertaining mofo, but he's going to get slapped by TNA's pimp hand...Is Mr. Anderson World champion material? TNA hasn't been showing me that...No Surrender's semi-finals could skate by if the TNA World Championship "Food4Max $3.99 Special" belt meant a damn thing, but it doesn't. How to make that belt credible? Maybe by not squandering dates with the World champion...It would be funny if, in spite, TNA makes A.J. Styles a 78-time World Champion. That's a lot of tattoos...

-Stevie Richards cleanly defeated the monster Abyss, who put the World champion RVD on the shelf. My head hurts. Sure, we all love the cut-up Stevie, but wasn't Abyss supposed to be this scary badass killer? And does TNA booking inspire trust in what will they'll do with Stevie?

-Dixie Carter tweeted that TNA is going to blow your mind...for real this time. We're serious. We wouldn't lie to you. Maybe it's Eric Bischoff playing that "Screw You" song on his guitar (take that, Internet. Plus, apparently "They" will be revealed. A gold star for them. I still hold onto my "Betty White" theory.




-I thought of a new TNA motto: "TNA: Make up your own *$#%$@?! storyline."

-Ah, the maddening LayCool. "Melina: She screams. Jillian: She sings. Kelly: She smells. Tee hee! Flawless!" Then, Awesome Kong comes in and punches a hole in their toned stomachs. That's my dream. Maybe that's why Undertaker's sick: Lay-Cool's harping like Spice Girls rejects.

-The new season of NXT will feature ladies who will compete in grueling contests in order to become Lumberjill #7.

Also on the NXT front, Michael McGillicutty is now renamed "Water" because he shouldn't be near a live microphone. ("Spanking?" "Flute?" Do you want to work in this business, Mikey?)... Titus O' Neil decided to completely no-sell MVP's boot kick. I guess Titus wanted to make himself a win. ... There's going to be a drop-off in the ratings with this all-female cast. Same deal with the NBA and WNBA...Kaval's "Total Non-stop Action Ninja" rap CD will debut soon...

-On Smackdown, Teddy Long is trying to get Hornswoggle to speak because creative can't think of anything else to do with the little lad. So, they get a fake psychologist to try to get Horny to speak: phonics, ink blot tests, etc. I thought to myself callously, "Maybe they should shock that Little Bastard hee hee." And then the doctor says, "We're going to try electro-shock therapy." Why not a lobotomy while you're at it? You've got some sick minds, WWE.

-Also on Smackdown...MVP beat up Swagger's old man wearing a neck brace (thanks, thug) ... Matt Hardy's years of taking ugly bumps have caught up to him...The real Todd Grisham died about a year ago and has been replaced by a robot, but don't tell anyone...The Kane-Undertaker buildup is pretty much their WrestleMania 20 buildup, but with some twists, namely that Kane is looking way more dominant and there's cheaper magic effects because WWE's broke. (Meaning, it's very likely that WWE forced Jack Swagger to dig up a used coffin to use in this feud.)




-That's it for me. Time for me to turn off the lights and magically teleport out of this joint. BZARP.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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