By Shane McKinley, PWTorch specialist

There must be somebody on WWE's payroll whose job is to create cool stuff for Randy Orton to do. "Wow, Orton did an in-the-air RKO! Wow, now he did two RKOs in a row!" Next week, I'm guessing the Viper will do a RKO while smoking an unfiltered, PG-safe cigarette. Such a badass.

-It's odd that in wrestling, fans can sit through two months of crud and then, BAM, get blindsided with goodness in the span of two days. Have you heard the good news? Viewers can actually sit through an entire Raw broadcast without wishing they could combust into flames! Hooray!

-I have a confession to make. Forgive me, for I have sinned. I saw WWE's Money in the Bank PPV...on a web stream. I kind of had to, since there's no money in my bank nowadays.

-Mysterious voice: "You forgot your straw."

"Yes, Vince? Oh, it's you, Rey Mysterio, and you're inside a 7-Eleven, urging some doofus to not forget his straw for his Slurpee. Thanks, buddy."

That's what I'm going to remember most about Summerslam 2010: "You forgot your straw." The other thing I will remember? When the John Cena brigade fell apart and Cena got screwed by none other than...Bret Hart. More on that later.

I feel good that 7-11 is sponsoring WWE Summerslam. It feels somewhat respectable. I mean, most of the time, the PPVs are sponsored by kiddie video games, acne treatment, or candy bars.

-So the story is that the Nexus are evil monsters that feel no pity and destroy everything in their path. Josh Matthews called them "the most destructive force in WWE history." Hyperbole? Sure. With Nexus, I feel like I'm watching "West Side Story." They're a bad couple of dudes who don't drink, curse, degrade women, or murder. Nope, they'll give you a bad thrashing with jazz hands.

-A solemn John Cena talks backstage. Having regretting the consequences of his butt jokes, he infers that if you can't beat your adversaries, join them. Cena turned into LeBron James all of a sudden.

-Michael Cole spouted off in a monotone voice that Eve Torres is "smart, sexy, and powerful." I think he had more passion about the 7-11 cup. Here's a quick scale of how passionate Cole is about things, from least to most.

That "Mind Freak Show" = "I'm so not watching this show."

Eve Torres = "Huh? Oh yeah, smart, sexy, beautiful blah blah."

7-11: "I buy all of my hair products there!"

The Miz: "THE FUTURE OF RAW!"

My, oh my, how Cole gushes for The Miz. I like Miz now. I can't remember a respectable Miz match, but that doesn't matter. All that matters is Miz's new "celebrity stalker" character. It's working for me. When Miz showed up in WWE, he was the jackass who said "Hoorah." Now he's Mr. Money in the Bank who dated a French harlot. Now, he just needs to be in a cage match with JBL to settle some things.

-Whoever created the Money in the Bank concept...ingenious. The MITB follow-up was well done and it's a nice trick to keep viewers tuned in. By comparison, TNA's Feast or Fired rip-off is typically badly handled and muddled.

-They recapped Summerslam 1998, where Stone Cold battled Undertaker in a match that lasted two hours. Hey, it's Jim Ross calling the action. Sorry I have to bring this up, but what's the role of a wrestling announcer? I hear some of you shout out phrases like "it's to push product!" or "it's to say how great The Miz is!" True, but the role of a wrestling announcer is to convince you, the viewer, that this fantasy is a reality.

So sorry if I don't enjoy listening to the following...

Matt Striker: "Ooooh! You know, if he would have hooked the left leg, instead of the right leg, he would have won the match! I've been waiting all night to say that!"
Jerry Lawler: "...Sure, Striker."
Matt Striker: "Ooooh! Look how Sheamus is just standing, looking at Cena! He's evolving!"
Jerry Lawler: "...Sure, Striker. He's evolving."
Michael Cole: "Shut up, Striker. I'm going to correct you now, dummy. The future is Miz!"

On and on. It's harder with this set-up to connect to matches. Or maybe it was Striker going into a frenzy about how injured Mysterio's knee was for the zillionth time that I lost it.

-Even though Nexus scared Sheamus so bad at the PPV that the WWE champion ran away from them, they got punked out when the referee snuck up behind them and took away their bolt cutters. Then, they got involved in a ho-hum PPV finish. It's definitely a challenge to convince viewers that the Nexus are badasses with events like this taking place. Nexus beating up both Edge and Chris Jericho on Raw? Right move.

-WWE NXT tonight - Eli Cottonwood should get canned. The only thing I remember about him was the electrifying way he adjusted his elbow pad. He's a danger to other wrestlers out there.

-Okay, this is how I see Team Cena vs. Nexus going down (let's pretend that it's an elimination-style match). Edge and Jericho resume their hatred for each other. They're eliminated. Morrison and Truth get pulled into their feuds with DiBiase and Miz, respectively. They're gone. And Khali betrays the group by getting paid off...or the Punjabi Playboy gets drawn out of the ring by a pretty red balloon. It doesn't matter, he's gone. So it's nearing the end of the match, and it's just Cena and Bret fighting the remaining members of Nexus. And then Bret makes his move and betrays Cena. Bret wanted to destroy WWE with the Nexus. And then we get cranky Bret Hart who hates the USA! Hooray!

Raw's Absurd Verdict: A Little Absurd

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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