By Shane McKinley, PWTorch specialist

"There's somewhere I just gotta be
You're everywhere at once, and you can't break free
You're everywhere at once, and you can't catch me, watch out
There's somewhere I just gotta be"

-"A Stitch In Time" by The Smashing Pumpkins

Everyone's beloved Jim Ross has been cut out of the WWE opening. And people are shocked and appalled at this "slap in the face." I'm surprised they didn't do it sooner. Ross being taken out of the opening is no different than what they did to Hulk Hogan. After all, Jim Ross was only the best announcer in the game. So naturally, WWE got rid of him. Wait, I'm sorry, he's still with WWE at the moment, but his role is...um... photocopying office memos or something. If they could, WWE wouldn't mind erasing past acts that aren't useful to them anymore.

I won't take this "slap in the face" as a sign that Jim Ross is headed down to TNA, though I would certainly be in favor of it. I've been following this Jim Ross-WWE relationship spat for over a year and it's become really tiring. You gotta jet from WWE, JR. Take your cowboy hat and get the hell out of there...

...and land yourself in Florida. Much like the Nexus angle, TNA is going to drag out this ECW angle by slowly adding old ECW guys like a leaky faucet. Who the hell cares. They can add in Mick Foley, Sabu, Sandman, Roadkill, 911, and fly in every original ECW fan to the arena for all I care. Unless the writing changes, TNA will still disappoint time after time again. Sure, give me an ECW Invasion storyline with the same group of knuckleheads penciling in the storylines and watch it fail in a few months time. Give Paul Heyman the keys and let's see TNA actually start to make some money.

-How much pleading did fans do for the Motor City Machineguns? "Please, please give us a tag team match with MCMG and Beer Money. That would kick so much ass! Heck, even showing MCMG on-screen would be great." And now fans are finally getting it. TNA is also giving the fans a reboot of evil Abyss (after the first reboot of Hulkamaniac Abyss didn't work out too well). Can TNA sell a PPV with Abyss headlining the main event? Heck if I know, but TNA keeps on trying.

One thought just popped into my head: how, in the kayfabe sense, did Dixie Carter get the idea to bring in ECW? Was she watching a VHS tape of Big Ass Extreme Bash 1996 and it came to her?

-Enough with the TNA criticism, let's get it on with the WWE criticism. It's startling the transformation of John Cena, the uber-dork who likes making butt jokes, to the John Cena, the seething, raging, I'm-going-to-take-a-power-dump-on-your-face maniac. Did Hogan ever talk about butts in his promos? Stone Cold talked a lot about whipping somebody's ass, but he definitely never said, "Austin 3:17 said that your face is as dumb as your butt!"

-Somebody explain to me why they're pushing Alicia Fox. Her finishing move is an awkward jumping kick to the back, butt, or sometimes head. Oh well, at least she hit it. Congrats, champ.

-The Hart Dynasty vs. The Usos feud has no chance of surviving after the PPV. It's starting to resemble when HD fought Cryme Tyme for a century. Being tag champs in WWE means nothing and this feud, if it's going to continue, needs a spark. At the PPV, I see HD losing the belts because of that vixen, Jimmy Snuka's daughter. Or, maybe those Usos dudes need to dress up like Predators. Yeah, that's the ticket. "How's the Hart Dynasty going to fight guys with lasers attached to their shoulders? That's not possible!"

-Josh Matthews runs up to talk with Chris Jericho about Y2J's show "Downfall" and why nobody watches it. The angry Jericholic says, "No comment." Good to know. Hold on, Yoshi Tatsu is getting beat up by "N." At least these bad boys are wearing shirts now. I was a bit worried there. Maybe next week they will come to the realization that they can wear pants too. Also, don't be worried if you come across the Nexus. You've got at least two minutes of them just staring at you before they attack.

-Wait, there's a Raw guest host? I thought they got rid of the concept. I enjoyed it a lot last week when there wasn't a Raw guest hosts milling about. Guess it's not my lucky night. This week's guest host was a star from a decade you weren't born in and starred in a show you never watched.
But hey, she's available. The last guest host should be Jose Canseco. He needs the work.

-Ted Dibiase and Maryse sure look good together. But negative points to John Morrison for getting all smart in translating Maryse's French. JoMo started talking about African hippos and I groaned. Be like Cena and talk about butts and crap, you'll get over. Or heck, even a current event. Many times watching WWE, you wonder if they're ever going to mention the outside world in which we reside in. People were awe-struck that one time when WWE mentioned the "Pants on the ground" song earlier this year.

-WWE, I'm sorry. I know that as a professional wrestling fan, I have been trained to accept fantasy as reality. But there is no way, no friggin way, that I can accept Randy Orton vs. Edge when you just preceded it with a far-too-long "Brady Bunch" segment. Yes, it's Orton vs. Edge in a top-tier match that you didn't really hype up much. The Brady Bunch theme song was stuck in my head, creating a weird juxtaposition of watching a psycho killer with a chirpy song in my head. "Randy Randy Randy!"

Evan Bourne taking that mid-air RKO was WWE (a) giving more love to babyface Orton and (b) trying to create that "athletic wonder" fans can get out of regular sporting events. I remember back in the '90s, there was this debate about whether or not wrestlers were athletes. What, are you kidding me? Of course they're athletes. But then again, the Santino Bunch vs. The Kozlov Bunch match shoots down that argument. Brother, you could wrestle that match overweight and skunk-drunk and nobody would notice. Heck, they probably all did Jaeger shots before they walked out the curtain.

Regarding the banning of "chops" because it might make people go "whoo!" and think Ric Flair, does WWE really need to worry? As soon as people go "whooo," are they really going to think to themselves, "Hey, why am I watching this crap? Jay Lethal is getting over thanks to Ric Flair! Screw this! We should all leave!" Truth be told, everybody in the arena would have left during the "Santino Bunch" match, but that's why WWE installs restraining-devices in the seats.

And are references to "Doink" and "Roddy Piper" supposed to impress anybody? You know you lead a sad life if such on-air references make you clap your hands and go, "Hooray!" Was that the real Doink? It was probably Joey Styles. Let's make a example out of him to tease Jim Ross.

-The Miz told the audience how he's going to kill them in their sleep. He's such a psycho killer. He took out The Truth, and now he's going to take out you. I think you could use some more hair gel in your fohawk, psycho. The mysterious G.M. (Bryan Danielson) says that Mizzy is going to face Mark Henry. Mizzy then proceeded to wipe out Henry. One highlight was when Miz slammed Henry with a plastic trashcan. Ya know, the ones that you can hit babies with and they wouldn't feel a thing. Not that I advocate hitting babies with trashcans, but you get the idea. Mizzy then dumped trash on Henry. I swear I saw 50 different "Santino Bunch" song lyrics re-writes float to the ground.

-Nexus is coming back to NXT to cause bedlam, general disarray, and inappropriate mischievousness. You know, the place where they regularly got embarrassed. It's like someone going back to high school. But Nexus serve "a higher power," and that "higher power" is to make sure Raw and NXT's rankings don't tank. Plus, tune in to see Rookies's homemade t-shirts! Ooh, iGotLucky! Husky Harris drew a pretty wolf on his shirt!

-Seriously, Cena vs. Sheamus at the PPV was a surprise to me, since the heavy focus has been Cena vs. Nexus. But, luckily for the audience, Captain Dorkbutt and the Human Jar of Mayonnaise are good buddies right now. Awww. I can't say that I'm excited for Money In The Bank. Comparison time:

UFC: "Watch Brock Lesnar's face get turned into mush! And watch other guys beat each other until they're walking zombies! Blood! Violence! Carnage!"

WWE: "Watch as we do another Nexus Invasion during a title match! We're so shocking! Plus the Divas Title will change hands again! Whoa, we've gone too far! We're insane! Plus, some goofy ladder set-ups and maybe even a major title changing hands! Not that championships are a
focal point lately! Buy now!"

I did enjoy Cena busting himself up with the steel chair rebounding off the ropes. (Cena's thoughts: "Take that, no-blood policy! Ha! Those paramedics can't possibly ruin this angle with the Nexus surrounding the ring! I'm the smartest dorkbutt in the world!")

That's it for me. Let me fuel Vince's paranoia even more. They're out to get ya!

YouTube URL: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lu0_xn4G8sY

Raw's Absurd Verdict: Very Absurd

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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