By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

"If you think I'll sit around as the world goes by
You're thinkin' like a fool cause it's a case of do or die
Out there is a fortune waitin' to be had
You think I'll let it go you're mad
You've got another thing comin"
-"You Got Another Thing Coming" by Judas Priest




So the angry vegan Bryan Danielson got canned from the WWE overlords. They say WWE ain't too happy with the manly vegan for choking out ring announcer Justin Roberts and spitting on the holy John Cena. But to fire him just for that?

Nah, there was probably bad blood between Danielson and WWE management the second Danielson walked through the door. Danielson getting fired because he didn't bow and grovel at the sight of Vince? I can swallow that.

I had a problem with JBL stringing up Jericho and choking him just months removed from the Benoit tragedy. I guess in WWE chokings have to be pre-approved.




On Raw, Bryan got fired from the NXT gang because "he felt remorse." You only choked out an announcer and spit on a zonked-out Cena. There's no need for remorse. The door is certainly open for Bryan to come back as a good guy (hell, even fighting NXT), but Bryan Danielson firing is a bad break for WWE fans. Oh well, there's always a C.M. Punk match, which has be resorted to the "ooh! His mask might come off!" tactic.

What else happened on Raw? Let's get to it...

-The show opened up with the BP spokesman apologizing for his actions. Then the NXT Rookies delivered their written lines. They're not quite the ass-kickers I thought they were. Man, they shouldn't let these guys speak. I'm fine with Wade Barrett and David Otunga being the spokespeople for this group, but Darren Young himself looks to be a snitch and will rat out the group. Bret Hart shows up and tells this hozers to get lost from the WWF.

-Back at ringside, Mikey and Jerry breathe a big sign of relief that those NXT hooligans are gone. Meanwhile fans were going, "Oh no. Not the same WWE baloney. Wait, now Cole is selling me the uniqueness of a ... fatal-four way match? Oh no. Come back NXT!" But to their credit, WWE sure kept mentioning NXT throughout their broadcast, and it's a good thing too, because why are you buying the PPV this Sunday? To see a NXT invasion and not the same old WWE product with Orton as face.

-R-Truth, JoMo, Ryder, and Miz showcase a nice four-way match. This teaser match needed to be shown because there has been very little interest in the upcoming PPV, which apparently is only three fatal-four way matches. (Seriously, where is the rest of the card?)

-I skipped the entire guest host bits. Did I miss anything? Here, I'll re-create off the top of my head what probably went down:

Bella Twins: Hello, Mark from Royal Pains, we're the celebrity guest arm candy. We are robots. Err. Error. Malfunction. (One of their heads swirls around and explodes.)

Mark: Ha, ha! That's great! I'm super excited to be hosting Raw! Have you caught (insert title of guest's show or product here)? It's really cool.

Ted DiBiase: Why, hello. It's me. Ted. Join the dark side, celebrity guest host. I have lots of moolah. Later tonight, Show's gonna give me the stinkface. Things are looking up for me.

Big Show: Ho ho ho! I'm big and fat! Ha ha ha! Twinkies! We'll have a match later tonight! Count me out of becoming champ this Sunday! Hee hee hee!




-Jericho's upcoming new book might be titled "Undisupted: How to become World Champion in 1,342 steps," but right now he might think about writing a book called "How to become a loser in five weeks on television." WWE is dropping him like a bad habit lately. Is he taking a vacation? Going off to host ABC shows? Touring with Fozzy? Whatever it is, he's not looking too good right now. I have a faint hope for a Jericho vs. Bourne feud (mainly for Bourne's sake), but it's a step down for Y2J.

-Sorry, but is the WWE ring "sacred ground?" Should wrestlers remove their footwear before stepping into the ring? What I think of when John Cena does a promo:




In their despicable effort to spike Raw's ratings, NXT Rookies evilly run in at the top of the hour. But this time Cena's got back up with some fools in the back. But wait...Edge is helping? And Sheamus? Why? Well, after this section, Sheamus did a interview where he said that "he wanted Cena all to himself and no NXT fella is gonna wreck that opportunity, fella!" Yeah, somewhat of a stretch to believe that the character of Sheamus wouldn't want to attack Cena, considering the pre-match attack he did against Triple H. But whatevs.

Shot of the night was the NXT Rookies running into the warm North Carolina night being chased by...Santino. Santino, the almighty protector of Raw. Be gone, you ... you... radicals. We protect the dull and boring status quo here.

Considering the lack of security (if you think about it, the NXT gang broke into the arena twice), I figure the NXT "mastermind" to be...Vince McMahon. His character would get a kick out of Raw going into chaos with Bret Hart at the helm of it all. But that might be going too far. Heck, at the start of the night, this whole NXT program looked to be a Cena vs. Wade Barrett PPV match and that's it. It still might be that.

-They showcased Pedro Morales vs. Magnificent Muraco because this old match happened and you cranky old wrestling fans like old matches, right? So buy WWE Classics today, you whiners.

-A laughing Mark Feuerstein landing an elbow pretty much guaranteeing that I'm never gonna check out "Royal Pains." You have to wonder at times who they are targeting in these Celebrity guest host bits. For the "A-Team" movie, I had to remind myself that the movie had a flying tank shooting crap, not ...whatever the abomination was that happened on the last Raw.

-Up next is... Kozlov wearing a ref shirt? Well, it's nice of them to put two lame comedy matches together. Fast-forward to the end when Santino wins by grabbing Regal's tights. Suddenly, Bret Hart is here and he wants the whole damn locker out here "to make sure this doesn't happen again." Wait, Bret Hart was actually watching this match? And Santino is going to come to justice? And now the Raw roster is out here? Something exploded in my head then and I passed out.

When I woke up, Jerry Lawler was talking about unity and how Orton, Cena, Edge, and Sheamus were the "cream of the crop." Sniff, sniff. Yeah, like you, I could smell an NXT invasion coming in Raw's main event four-way match. In this case, it was actually a relief. So let's enjoy this NXT angle while we can.

Raw's Absurd Verdict: In The Middle Of Absurdity

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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