By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

I'm a Meatloaf fan (the musician and the food) and, boy, did he ever embarrass us. Him babbling on and on to Randy Orton...yeah, you could see that RKO coming.

When Meat Loaf came out, I thought Flavor Flav must have been busted by the po-po and Meat was the guest host. I guess WWE felt that Randy Orton needed to look more cool (what is uncool? The Band + Eric Young). RKO'ing a dorky singer? That works. Terrorizing Vickie Guerrero? Eh, not so much. I don't know whether to cheer or call the authorities.

WWE to Meat Loaf: "Look, we need to have Orton RKO a celebrity. You're a celebrity, right? Vince sings your songs all the time when he's whipping us. Go out there and plug your CD. Act as dorky as possible. Be sure to call Randy Orton baby. He loves that."

I caught some of what Meat Loaf was babbling. Something about "Randy Randy Randy Elvis in Vegas like a rose plug plug plug song titles I was in the Rocky Horror Picture Show, you like that movie, don't you, Randy?"

-WWE is also keeping the guest hosts but stripping them of their power. Then, Vickie Guerrero was hired as GM, but, well, she resigned at the end of the night, so who knows what's in store. If they are going to go down the route of Orton vs. Vickie (much like Austin vs. Vince, I imagine), it's going to be tricky in goading fans to cheer Orton when he terrorizes Vickie. It's a bad idea if next week Vickie wears an "Orton whistle" around her neck "to whistle for help if Orton corners her." Yeah, that will go over well. Ha ha, Vickie, you're going to get a RKO, you witch! Ha ha I love it when she screams in terror wooo!

-The Colons did Ted DiBiase's dirty work. "Oh no! Evan Bourne is getting attacked by a DiBiase's Colon!" doesn't have a right ring to it. Carlito and Primo have a meaningful role and Ted DiBiase gets to keep rocking that cheesy $ belt. I still think that Ted looks like he could slap out a hat, go to a NASCAR event, and scream out, "Woooooooooooo! Fast cars goin' 'round in circles!"

-Holy moly, a video package on an actual Diva. This one is named Eve. And even more of a shocker, a taped bit of Maryse punking out her karate instructor. Where the heck was this for the Diva division?

-Randy Orton: "I hope that Vickie Guerrero comes to ringside...so that I can give her... a surprise." Orton then stares intensely off into outer space. Meanwhile I'm wondering if Orton should start wearing a straight-jacket to the ring. Creepy, but great stuff.

-So legendary astronaut Buzz Aldrin is guest hosting Raw next week. He's pretty much the most respectable guest host WWE has landed. So how do they portray him? First, they shoot Buzz in a low-rate moon backdrop. I'm surprised they didn't put up a black curtain for "space" and "glitter" for stars.

Then, they have Mark Henry punk out Buzz with a steel chair to the back. The Kool-Aid Killer asks if Buzz is all right. Hell no, he's not all right. You just hit an elderly man with a steel chair! Buzz is twitching on the ground! Is that how you greet everybody? Geez, no wonder you have a bad fan reputation greeting people with steel chairs shots to the back.

-Back to Raw, Cole and Lawler are talking about the history of the Igloo. Zack Ryder vs. Evan Bourne is next. Uh, you sure are wasting time, fellas. Where's John Cena?

Vanilla Ice loses to Evan Bourne, who's overjoyed to get his four minutes on Raw. Bourne's record must be 127-3, but Bourne don't want no gold around his waist or nothing.

-Here's Cena. And he's taking his time building up the suspense for the stipulation announcement for Cena vs. Batista. He's talking in grave tones. He's in the Igloo, where the Undertaker vs. Mankind Hell in the Cell match took place. I was feeling the "Hell in the Cell" announcement vibe, but Cena announces an "I Quit" match instead. Pass. I already feel fulfilled with this feud after the "Last Man Standing" match. I'm not interested in seeing an "I Quit" match with these two.

Cena made sure to pimp Sheamus a lot during his promo. I'm on the look-out for a Sheamus-Cena feud after the PPV.

-Batista comes in to beat up Cena along with Sheamus. Mark Henry comes in to make the save. It was funny to me when Batista took a slight push from Henry and nearly turned it into a double backflip. I felt that Batista should have done a "ta-da!" pose after it.

-The Miz vs. Bret Hart next week on Raw in Toronto. That's pretty huge. Fellow Hall of Famer Ric Flair wrestles on live television on Impact, and nothing comes out of it really, other than a few quarts of Flair's blood lost. I have more faith in WWE not to squander a Bret Hart wrestling match - hopefully it adds to Miz's push - as long as it doesn't resemble Bret vs. Vince again.

-Funniest line of the night went to Michael Cole. You see, four WWE stars were facing off against eight NXT Rookies. Why? Because WWE feels that they more they pump up NXT on Raw, the more people will watch! Right? Right? Wrong. As soon as grown-ass men were doing kiddie competitions, I tuned out.

You know about NXT, right? It's another addition in the long list of WWE failed projects. Anyways, Daniel Bryan enters the ring. Cole: "He's 0 and everything! (after Bryan takes a backdrop) and he fails again." Forget seeing Miz vs. Bryan, let me see Bryan pop Cole in the mouth.

-Dear NXT: I will catch your show only if you shorten the show down to half-an-hour. I'm nervous that you're going to have NXT Rookies compete to see who can sell the most magazines subscriptions. (How awesome would it be if after they fire the seven NXT Rookies, at the end they go, "The NXT rookies are all hired! Ha ha you people who watched NXT!")

-Mark Henry, the guy who hospitalized an innocent old man (he must be slipping - in the old days, he would have thrown a brick at Buzz and then stomped on his head), gets pawned by Batista. Batista already seems to be thinking thoughts like, "Well, I could go down to TNA, but they said they're already heavy in debt just paying for Hogan's fee" and "Why didn't I get that movie role? What does Triple H have that I don't? Oh, wait. That thing."

-Word up: I felt that the guest host comedy skit was actually...good this time around. Props to Kozlov and Regal.

-The matches on Raw stunk, but there was some solid advancements to tide things over. The main focus on Raw right now is the babyface Orton. It's not being shoved down our throats. Like an old shoe or women's lingerie, it feels comfortable to cheer Randy Orton as he injures celebrities and stares evilly at women. Because Orton's bad for good. The monster is loose. Like a bat out of hell. Hang cool, teddy bear!

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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