KELLER'S WWE RAW REPORT
APRIL 12, 2010
TAPE-DELAYED FROM LONDON, ENGLAND
AIRED ON USA NETWORK

-After the Raw opening, pryo blasted and the camera panned the crowd. The British flag was on display on the big screen. Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler hyped the Randy Orton vs. Batista main event. The crowd chanted "Hoff! Hoff!" Hoff!" Out walked women dressed as monks (I think) with David Hasselhoff facemasks. Hasselhoff walked out of his Night Rider car on the stage. He then shook hands with fans on his way to the ring, shaking hands to a song that he apparently sang.

Hasselhoff, or Hoff as I'll call him, said they're going to have a "Hoff-tastic night." He said, to quote a WWE Superstar, "The Hoff has finally come to Monday Night Raw." He said he's heard the cries from the WWE Universe that they love Raw, but there's not enough Hoff. This is surreal. I've heard Europe loves him, but I didn't know it was like this. He said he knows how to throw a party they'll never forget or maybe not remember. He said he's going to honor "Baywatch" by booking a "Baywatch Baby Triple Threat" match. Lawler said that's awesome. If it's possible to be too corny for a pro wrestling show, Hoff may have done it.

Hoff said he was watching Smackdown the other night and he realized there was no no. 1 contender for the World Title. He said if one man beats the World Champion twice, he should be entitled to that match, so he's announcing that on Extreme Rules, Jack Swagger will defend his title against Randy Orton. He then announced Orton vs. Batista would happen tonight. He was hamming it up and being over-the-top corny.

1 -- MARYSE vs. EVE TORRES - Diva's Title Match

Lawler: "Eve is so hot she's contributing to global warming." Maryse slapped Eve at the start. They brawled to the floor in the opening seconds. Maryse rammed Eve's head into the ring apron and threw her back into the ring. Eve came back with a neckbreaker at 1:00, but then missed a moonsault attempt when Maryse moved. Maryse laughed. Cole called her "a strange cat." Maryse slapped Eve a few times. Eve blocked a DDT attempt and bridged into a three count upset win. It's Eve's first title win.

WINNER: Eve Torres to capture the WWE Diva's Championship in 2:00.

-They showed The Bigger Show and The Miz headed to the entrance tunnel backstage. Cole said Miz says he has a major announcement. [c]

-The Bigger Show told Miz that he was skeptical of being Miz's partner, but he's shown he had nothing to worry about. Miz said he's amazed that Show is so big but has such a small ego. He said ShowMiz is the greatest tag team in WWE history. The crowd booed. Miz said, "You booed that? Really? Really?" He asked the crowd to name a team better than them. Bret Hart's music played.

Bret entered the ring and said he can think of two tag teams better than them: The Hart Foundation and the British Bulldogs. He said he's not talking about tag teams that were good for a couple of months, but rather for years. Miz said David Hasselhoff isn't the only '90s icon who is totally delusional. He said if he was in his era, he'd put a sharpshooter on him faster than he can put a pair of sunglasses on an ugly kid. He said as for the Bulldogs, he's a fan, but if they had to face them, he'd have no problem slapping them in their little British faces, doing a British accent as he said it. Show said this is the last time he's going to warn Bret. Show told Bret to leave. Bret said he's not ready to leave because he knows there's a tag team in the back who can beat them.

Miz asked why they're there. Bret said he invited them. Bret said he fought David Hart Smith's father in London at Wembley Stadium in one of the greatest matches of all time. Miz said in a snarky voice, "Fascinating. And that has what to do with us now?" DHS spoke. He said his father is there watching tonight. He said he is issuing a challenge to Miz one-on-one tonight. He said if he wins, then the Hart Dynasty gets a Unified Tag Team Title match at Extreme Rules. Miz accepted the challenge "on one condition." He said when he wins, next week live on Raw, Bret Hart will declare that ShowMiz is in fact the greatest tag team of all time. Bret said, "You're on." Good segment. It's nice to see Bret not talking about the Montreal Screwjob. It's also good to see Miz continue to show off his strong mic work. DHS was even decent, and usually he's a black hole of charisma. These simple stips with title shots and pride at stake is stripping pro wrestling down the basics and it's all that's needed if the characters are likable or annoying. [c]

3 -- THE MIZ (The Big Show) vs. DAVID HART SMITH (w/Tyson Kidd)

Joined in progress, DHS went on offense first. Miz made a comeback at 2:00 and applied a partial camel clutch.

[Q3] DHS made a comeback at 4:00 with a couple clotheslines and a powerslam for a two count. Miz came back and climbed to the top rope, but DHS kicked him in the face with a boot. Lawler said Miz has "Krispy Kreme eyes, glazed over right now." DHS applied a sharpshooter. Show stood on the ring apron, so DHS released the hold (why?) and hit Show. Kidd dove at Show at ringside and got slapped in the chest. Miz then lifted DHS and Show punched him in the kidney. Miz hit the Skull Crushing Finale for the win.

WINNER: Miz in 6:00.

STAR RATING: *1/4 -- Nothing special, but not bad. [c]

-A vignette aired on David Otunga with clips of his guest hosting gig last week on Raw and then clips hyping Batista-Cena at Extreme Rules.

-Backstage Otunga and Batista chatted. Batista told Otunga to wait until he sees what he does to Cena at Extreme Rules. Batista said he's tired and needs an energy boost. He told him to get him a cup of coffee. Otunga paused, then said, "Oh, you almost had me!" He chuckled, but Batista didn't laugh. Otunga said he was going to get coffee anyway. Otunga turned and bumped into The Hoff. The Hoff said he's probably wondering why he invited him to Raw again this week. Otunga said maybe he wants a role in his movie as his father or maybe grandfather. Hoff mock-laughed, then said the person who invited him to Raw was John Cena. He said he has arranged for a match between them tonight. Hoff asked his car how long it'll take Cena to beat Otunga. The car estimated 22 seconds.

[Q4] [c]

4 -- EVAN BOURNE vs. CARLITO

This is one of those matches where you instantly assume it'll last 20 seconds before someone runs in and beats them both up because it's so out of nowhere. But instead they actually wrestled a match, one of those "only Raw in Europe" events. It went about four whole minutes, with Bourne winning a back and forth match after blocking a Back Stabber and hitting the Shooting Star Press for the win.

WINNER: Bourne in 4:00.

-Cole hyped Batista vs. Orton and Cena vs. Otunga. [c]

-Ring intros took place or the Cena-Otunga match. Otunga came out to the NXT opening theme.

[Q5]

5 -- JOHN CENA vs. DAVID OTUNGA

Lawler said in the limited time he's been around Otunga, he doesn't seem like he's easily intimidated. "I think this kid is so cocky, arrogant, and full of himself, he might be too stupid to be nervous." Cena dominated from the start. Batista stepped onto the stage and distracted Cena. Cena applied the STF. Otunga tapped out. Batista turned his back and couldn't watch. Afterward Cena called Batista to the ring. The crowd taunted Batista with a chant of "You tapped out!" Batista turned and walked to the back. Cena shook his head.

WINNER: Cena in 2:00.

-Cole plugged Batista vs. Cena again. Lawler plugged the Baywatch Babe Triple Threat Tag Team match. [c]

-Sheamus walked out to the ring. He said Triple H only brings his sledgehammer out against someone he fears, and he obviously fears him. He said he just got word that he and Triple H will be competing in a street fight at Extreme Rules. He was booed when he said was raised in Dublin, Ireland. He said it's tougher than "anywhere in this fallen empire." He said Triple H just showing up at Extreme Rules will be the biggest mistake of his career. Sheamus's promo-closing music was interrupted by Kofi Kingston. He said he's mistaken if he doesn't think he'll get revenge for what he did to him last week. He said he just spoke to The Hoff and he booked them in a match tonight. Kingston entered the ring. The referee ran in and started the match officially.

[Q6]

6 -- KOFI KINGSTON vs. SHEAMUS

Back and forth early. Lawler and Cole talked about what a great year Sheamus had. Lawler said Kingston had a great year, too. Kingston rallied at 4:00. He ducked a Sheamus attempt at a big boot and then hit a Trouble in Paradise for a very near fall. Sheamus grabbed the bottom rope to save himself. Sheamus rolled to the floor. Kingston rolled out after him. Sheamus used the monitor off the announcers' table as a weapon, so the ref DQ'd him.

WINNER: Kingston in 5:00 via DQ.

STAR RATING: *1/4 -- This slows down the idea that Kingston is being totally buried. A DQ win for Sheamus fits the idea of him being ruthless, but he easily could have also pinned Kingston clean and still beat up Kofi afterward, so they were protecting Kofi from seeming like he wasn't even in Sheamus's league.

-Afterward, Sheamus rammed Kingston into the ringpost first back-first and then stomach-first. Then he gave Kofi a boot to the side of the head. He leaned down, grabbed Kofi's head, and shouted, "That's what I'm going to do to Triple H!" Referees intervened and talked him into walking away. [c]

-A commercial aired hyping the WWE Draft in two weeks.

-Carlito went looking for The Hoff backstage. Vladimir Kozlov said Hoff isn't around, but he's looking for better opponents on Raw. Carlito said the guest hosts haven't been giving either of them the opportunities they want. Carlito said if he doesn't get traded to Smackdown, he's quitting. He said next week the cast of the movie "MacGruber" are guest hosting next week. He said their plans probably have nothing to do with them. Kozlov said if he doesn't get what he wants next week. he'll "destroy MacGruber."

-Lawler and Cole hyped the line-up for Extreme Rules.

[Q7]

-Josh Matthews interviewed Orton, asking what his plans were for Extreme Rules. Orton said there are no rules and he's perfectly fine with that. He said he's sent over a dozen people to the hospital since his WWE career started including the Chairman. He said he didn't do that playing by the rules. He said winning the MITB and the World Title is going to cost him. He said he is the last person Swagger should want to step into the ring with. He said his match with Swagger is simply business. He said as far as Batista tonight is concerned, that's something completely different. He said it's something he's been looking forward to for a very long time.

-The Hoff came out and sat in a lifeguard chair at ringside. Kelly Kelly and Gail Kim ran to the ring in Baywatch one-piece swimsuits. Baywatch music played and they showed them in slo-mo like in Baywatch.

7 -- ROSA MENDES & JILLIAN HALL vs. GAIL KIM & KELLY KELLY vs. THE BELLA TWINS

As the Bella Twins ran to the ring, Cole said he wishes he couldn't swim. Santino ran out in slo-mo as the special guest referee. No heat at all for this match. Seeing the women in the same outfits really de-personalized their individuality.

WINNERS: The Bella Twins on the switcheroo over Rosa in 2:00.

-Afterward Santino swallowed his whistle after blowing it in Jillian's face. That meant he had to get CPR. The Hoff called for help. Hornswoggle ran out to the ring and gave Santino CPR on his chest. It was really bad CPR. He then yanked the whistle string, but it wouldn't budge. Hornswoggle hit the Tadpole Splash and that caused the whistle to pop out. Corny Raw humor. I'm sure it was the highlight of Vince McMahon's week. I can hear him cackling backstage.

-They showed Batista getting warmed up backstage. [c]

[Q8]

-Cole plugged the cast of "MacGruber" as next week's guest hosts. Then a video package aired on WWE's tour of Europe.

8 -- RANDY ORTON vs. BATISTA

To attempt to give meaning to this match, Lawler said losing here cuts off any momentum headed into Extreme Rules. They predictably cut to a break at about 2:00. At 7:00 Batista hit Orton with the lid to the announce table. Orton made a comeback, but when he tried to re-enter the ring, Batista kicked him in the head. Batista then set up a spear. Orton locked it with a kick. The crowd chanted "RKO! RKO!" Batista punched back at Orton. They exchanged punches, and the crowd chanted along to each. Orton hit a powerslam and then he slammed the mat with his fists. Lawler: "He's going to that other place right now." At 10:00 the crowd chanted for an "RKO!" Orton instead opted to set up the punt kick, but Batista rolled out of the ring.

[Q9] Orton hit a DDT off the second rope for a near fall. Batista made a comeback with a spinebuster. Orton hit an RKO out of nowhere. Swagger jumped Orton from behind and lifted his weight and turned it into a gut-wrench powerbomb. The ref called for the DQ.

WINNER: Orton via DQ in 12:00.

STAR RATING: **1/4 -- The match existed for the Swagger and Cena run-ins and fill time with two stars in the mean time. It served its purpose well enough.

-Cena attacked Batista afterward and applied the STF. Batista tapped frantically. Cena then stood and celebrated as his music played and the show ended. A short overrun, at just three or four minutes.

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