Mojo Mitchell's Raw Stream of Psychosexual Comfort, Saturday Night's Main Event, Dead Baby Carriages, Babyface Rapists, Three Virgins, and RKO Mania

By Bruce Mitchell, PWTorch senior columnist

We start with Triple "CSI" H and The Nature Boy decked out in their three piece finest. Flair starts. He was wrong to say Triple H was the Greatest Wrestler Alive. Triple H is the Greatest Wrestler Of All Time. Flair says he's the only man alive qualified to say that. I agree. He's the only man who would say that... He runs down Mick Foley as "not great" and "not a legend." Orton, he says, isn't a legend, he's "a virgin."

"Do you know how many virgins I've made holler, scream and bleed all night long?"

I know it's Ric Flair and all, but that's a little too close for my psychosexual comfort.

Flair will face Orton at Taboo Tuesday, probably in a cage match.

Triple H doesn't want to rely on fans to determine his or Ric Flair's fate. Well, it's not like his wife is doing such a great job either.

Chris Jericho comes out to talk about Taboo Tuesday, but I'm too distracted by the pink and black eyesore he's got on. The thing is so bad Jeff Jarrett would wear it. Jericho claims he was the one who came out with the idea of an interactive pay-per-view. He calls Triple H "a sanctimonious son of a bitch."

Flair challenges him. Jericho goes to the back but returns with a chair. He gets jumped by Batista. First Chris Benoit, then Edge run down. Edge spears Triple H. Maybe he'll get a few votes now.

Coach is with Christian, who turns babyface with me and two thirds of the country by calling the MSG New York fans "ignorant."

Ever since CSI started giving Raw a real lead-in audience that it spends the rest of the night hemorrhaging, the show is booked backwards. We had the big angle up first with the big fight that used to end the show, now we've got the main event: Christian (w Tyson Thomko) vs. Shawn Michaels. [Editor's Note: Bruce Mitchell wrote that sentence and I have no idea what he meant to say. Decode it yourself if you can.]

Raw has turned into the old Saturday Night's Main event from the '80s that used to replace NBC's Saturday Night Live once a month, where you got the Hulkster shoved down your throat up until midnight, then it petered out for the next hour, much like SNL itself.

Did you know that Shawn Michaels has done it all in the WWE? Well, if you didn't, Jim Ross let you know. Michaels get the crowd up by neckbreaking Christian and super-kicking Tomko outside the ring.

The action picks up. Christian hits an Unprettier, but Michaels kicks out and ends up winning with a Superkick. This was much better and more heated than anything on No Mercy last night.

Ross throws an Oklahoma Physicality Fit when he announces Batista vs Benoit and Triple H vs. Chris Jericho. Well, Jericho couldn't run from the guy forever.

Ross says Lita lost "Hurricane's baby boy." The plot twists. Todd Grisham, who looks like a twelve year old in his dad's suit, interviews Lita about her Dead Baby. She blames Gene Snitsky. Grisham points out that Snitsky claims it isn't his fault.

You know, it really was an accident.

Lita starts Stephanie Screeching about "Snitsky is a Dead Man." I thought Kane was a Dead Man. Or Undertaker.

Raw GM Eric Bischoff is apparently talking to Carmella when Coach objects. Coach doesn't want to interview Gene Snitsky next because Kane is there. Bischoff says, "Let's let J.R. do it."

Gene Snitsky rolls a Dead Baby Carriage to the ring. "Baby Killer" some of the fans chant. Snitsky sneers, "It wasn't my fault". Kane's pyro hits and he attacks Snitsky.

Whoops. Not so fast . It's not a Dead Baby Carriage, it's a Lead Pipe Carriage and Snitsky whips Kane's ass with it, leaving him bleeding and out cold in the ring...

I enjoyed the hell out of that. Kane's an abusive bully and rapist who got what he deserved.

Maybe WWE (or The Torch) can run a Dead Baby Poll to see who the fans think is to blame for the Dead baby: Gene Snitsky, Kane or Lita.

Batista faces Chris Benoit. Pretty physical until Randy Orton jumps in for the cheapie finish. Bischoff sends the cops out to drag Orton off on Flair, but then Batista jumps the cops and Flair gets some dirty shots in on Orton.

Eric Bischoff complains about Taboo Tuesday, then calls out Eugene. He tells his nephew someone has a crush on him: Carmella. She macks on an embarrassed Eugene. She tells him she loves bald man, and if Eugene were bald, he'd be perfect. Bischoff wants Eugene to throw their head shaving match so Eugene can be Carmella's girlfriend. Eugene wants a kiss first. He wants to see her boobies. She balks.

"Nobody likes you," Bischoff tells his anguished nephew. Not Carmella comes out and knocks Carmella on her ass, then tongue kisses Eugene. They leave together.

Carmella, who's never had a match, wrestles her first match against Not Carmella, Virgin versus Virgin, at the now aptly named Taboo Tuesday.

La Resistance face Hurricane & Captain Underpants. The tag champs win a squash, but the Captain keeps going anyway. He gets his mask turned around and accidently beats up Hurricane...

Things are worse than I thought. WWE runs a self-congratulatory promo about their Make-a-Wish work.

Simon Dean runs down fat, smelly, annoying people. It's a curtain jerker gimmick, but the guy does a great smirk.

Edge gives a promo listing all of his accomplishments so he can get some Fat Chance votes. He's obnoxious, this time on purpose. I'll guess he'll be complaining about those fickle fans soon.

Bischoff tells the Less Thans to the IC Belt they'll be lumberjacks in the Triple H Beats Chris Jericho main event.

Stacy Kiebler faces Molly Holly. Trish Stratus sits in with the boys at the announce table. Holly beats up Stacy the whole match, but Stacy wins on a fluke.

Triple H faces Chris Jericho in a lumberjack match. The lumberjacks are Lester Welch, Les Wolfe, Les McCann, Les Thatcher, Les Nessman, Les Robinson, Willie Tyler and Lester, and Lester Bangs. There's some heat, plenty of Lumberjack interference, but it's up against curfew so it's rushed. Triple H wins, Randy Orton cleans house, ("RKO Mania!" Ross screams) and we're out in a hurry.

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