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We start with Big Mouth Chris Jericho, who blew his chance to get some from Trish Stratus last week. He and Christian are in the ring and both have a bouquet of flowers for their girls. They're worried that Trish and Lita are mad at them because no one is answering their phone calls. Here's a tip, guys, watch a tape of Raw last Monday night.
Trish and Lita come to the ring looking really pissed. Trish hands Chris a Canadian dollar. Jericho talks some sweet talk about connections and not feeling this way ever, and apologizes and well, you know how girls are...
Trish and Lita attack Jericho and Christian with their own flower bouquets. This is the only completely realistic thing I've ever seen women do on a wrestling show.
The Dudleyz immediately hit the ring to defend their tag belts against the rejected suitors. I'll guess we'll see what's more important: the WWE World Tag Team Titles or some pussy. Trish and Lita give the boys the evil eye from ringside.
Jim Ross and obviously Jerry Lawler think the pussy is more important, judging by their commentary on the match. And truthfully, anyone and everyone has won those belts but no everyone has slept with Trish and Lita, unlike, say, uh, and also, uh...anyway back to the match. Bubba is back wearing those awful new shorts. Maybe if Jericho and Christian look at those skinny pale legs on Bubba long enough they'll forget about the pussy.
Why does the match continue because a wrestler pulls the referee out of the ring attempting to stop a three count on his partner? Why doesn't the ref just continue to count? It's not like the guy kicks out.
Anyway, the gals hit the Whassup on their ungallant guys, then Dudleys hit the 3D on Christian for the pin.
Y2J and CLB still got a shot because, as we all know, there's a thin line between love and hate.
Ric Flair talks about how great the absent Triple H is and how the great Triple H is going to get his title back after Bill Goldberg and Kane destroy each other tonight. Batista shows his fire explaining how he's going to destroy Rob Van Dam and Shawn Michaels. Y2J and Christian whine to Eric Bischoff about how those "bitches" cost them the belts. Eric makes a Battle of the Sexes match at Armageddon. Christian is thrilled, but Jericho looks like he's not sure he wants to do it. Great, three of the better workers on a roster short of in ring talent are wasted in a mismatched skit.
Batista (w/Ric Flair) faces Rob Van Dam. Batista does a better job each week of exuding power in his moves and pacing. There's an ugly looking escape from a powerbomb by RVD, but everyone's okay. RVD goes for the Frog Splash but gets slugged by "Hands of Stone" Ric Flair and is powerbombed by Batista for the pin. Better match than you'd think...
Garrison Cade assures everyone that he and Mark Jindrak aren't whiners, they're generic muscleheads; I mean winners. They face Lance Storm & Val Venis. Lawler goes on about Storm somehow having charisma, assuring no one will think he's a star for another week. Jindrak grabs the tight on Venis for the pin. Aaah, irony is a cruel mistress...
Kane killed a German Shepherd when he was a kid and played with the dead body he reveals exclusively to the cameraman. Somehow this reminds him of his three way title match at Armageddon.
It's Mick Foley in the ring with a clipboard. He makes himself the special guest referee in the Batista vs. HBK match at Armageddon. He says they've got half a million signatures on the petition to bring back Steve Austin, but they need more. Darn, the fans give and give and give and we still can't get what we want.
La Resistance come down and tell Foley if the French had gone in they would have found the Weapons of Mass Destruction and the war would be over. (Huh?) La Re says he has to salute the French flag tonight. Foley gets mad and tells him to beat him up but he's not saluting that flag. The two approach menacingly and...
Holy Shit, the biggest shock in who knows when hits when the Rock saves Foley! The roof blows off and well it should, the surprise was perfectly set up. Now that's a Superstar.
Rock is razor sharp cutting all over the two French heels, spontaneously giving them the new nickname of Fifi.
If you didn't see this, you should try to catch it when they replay it four or five times this weekend. Rock free-associate raps better than John Cena's prepared ones. Foley tells them, "You don't mess with the Sock and Rock Connection." Rock pauses mid--eyebrow and La Re gets the jump on the two. They get just enough offense that they don't look like punks, then the place comes unglued as Rock hits a Rock Bottom, Foley gets the Sock out, and Foley even gets to do a Rock Bottom.
This was the entertainment side of sports entertainment at its finest: fun, energetic, and charismatic as a Hollywood Movie Star.
While it's a shame the two aren't teaming on the pay-per-view, it's exactly the kind of thing that gets the casual fan talking again to the lost wrestling fans about the product.
Bischoff tells Coach he's had Rock escorted from the building. Counting Flair, there are three guys wearing black suits tonight. What, did they just come from church? Bischoff says he's choosing lumberjacks himself for the Goldberg vs. Kane match.
Booker T & Hurricane & Captain Underpants face Test & Scott Steiner & Mark Henry (w/Theodore Long). There's no sign of Stacy Keibler. For the first time in months Steiner swears loud enough that they have to bleep him. This match isn't so good. Mark Henry cuts off a Spinaroonie and dominates the babyface completely, finally bear-hugging out Hurricane for the win and leaving Booker lying after the same. This is by far the best use of Mark Henry Angry Strongman yet, and if you're going to use the guy, this is the way it should be done.
Ross and Lawler pimp the Stone Cold Petition/WWE Spam List drive again.
Bischoff picks Evolution and Mark Henry to be the lumberjacks in the Kane vs. Goldberg main event. But that's not fair!
Lita & Trish face Molly Holly & Victoria. The Ungallant Guys watch on the ramp. I like how Trish and Lita still seem pissed. What's this? All four women are wearing black. That must be some church. Matt Hardy (in his new Heelish Carolina Blue T-Shirt) jumps in the ring. Lita is completely distracted because the dick is more important than the match. She gets pinned.
To sum it up mathematically:
Pussy > WWE World Tag Team Titles Match < Dick
Kane faces Bill Goldberg in a lumberjack match. Mark Henry and Evolution are at ringside. Paging Dr. Foley. Nope, he doesn't send out good guy lumberjacks. Goldberg immediately gets tossed out of the ring and pummeled. They're going back to the "Goldberg sells against all odds" formula. I don't get those "This is Unfair" vibes from the crowd yet. It's your typical big man match with a cheapie ending because Orton and Batista just jump into the ring on Goldberg for the DQ. Booker T and RVD run down to save G'berg. The show ends on a nice visual as HBK superkicks Kane, who staggers into a nice spear from Goldberg.
RELATED STORY at PWTorch.com:KELLER'S 5 Yrs. Ago Raw Report. Send feedback on this article to pwtorch@gmail.com and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.
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