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KELLER'S WWE RAW REPORT
SEPTEMBER 15, 2003
LIVE FROM COLUMBIA, S.C.

-The show opened with Triple H trotting through the back halls with the smile on his face that you'd see on a high school student voted "Class President" after his father-in-law/principle fixed the election. Anyway, he bumped into Eric Bischoff who told him he had his best interests in mind because when it comes to ending careers, his money is on him. I didn't really get what he was saying. In any case, Hunter said he had a favor to ask of Bischoff. Bischoff enthusiastically said, "Sure!" because as always, everyone acts subservient to Hunter, be it lowly announcers or General Managers. He does run the place, after all. Hunter told Bischoff to throw a going away party for Goldberg, whose career would be ending at Unforgiven. Bischoff said he would, but what if Goldberg showed up. Playing the traditional heel role which belittles the threat of the top babyface, Hunter said, "Invite him." Of course, Hunter is sabotaging WWE's drawing now to set the stage for his logical babyface turn in coming months. What's more important, today's ratings and next Sunday's PPV or laying the groundwork for him being a TNA Jeff Jarrett-style badass babyface?

-Chris Jericho and Christian stood in the ring, each holding up a sign that asked for Austin to be fired or accused him of being unfair. Jericho threw out his new catch-word "sanctimonious." Then Christian said his "peeps" are pissed off. They began a chant of "Stone Cold Must Go!" Steve Austin came out and said they hurt his feelings and assaulted him, so he assaulted them right back. He accused them of holding up the show with their "stupid little signs." He said what they need is a Stone Cold Ass Kicking, but the rule prohibits him from doing it. He restated the rule in detail, as he does every week and at every house show. It's already the most often mentioned rule in wrestling history. He asked the crowd if they thought the rule sucked. They said, "Hell, yeah!" Austin then ordered Christian to defend the IC Title at Unforgiven. Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross agreed that should make Christian happy. He then asked Jericho and Christian if they're so tough, which would be the first to provoke him. Jericho raised a fist, but then backed down and encouraged Christian to do it. See, that's how heels acts. Austin then said Jericho would take part in a no. 1 contender's match for the IC Title (isn't that usually decided on Heat?) against RVD.

1 -- ROB VAN DAM vs. CHRIS JERICHO

RVD came out as Ross screamed that this was a chance for RVD to earn a shot at the IC Title at Unforgiven. The match began, and then they cut to a commercial break. If Austin had only told the producers of his plans ahead of time, they could have planned out their commercial breaks more smoothly.

[commercial break]

At 8:00 Christian entered the ring and swung his IC belt at RVD, who ducked. Christian momentum took him another 10 feet across the ring where he nailed Jericho instead. Christian then turned around KO'd RVD. Austin came out and said if Christian's plan is to eliminate his title match at Unforgiven, his plan isn't going to work. In fact, since neither man won the match, neither was eliminated from the contendership, and now Christian would have to face both at Unforgiven. Cool angle. Makes sense. Heel has a shameful plan. Babyface GM makes it backfire on him. Heel pouts.

WINNER: No contest.

STAR RATING: *1/2 -- No finish, commercial break, tough to evaluate, but what we saw was basic solid stuff.

[commercial break]

-A vignette aired of Goldberg beating Hulk Hogan on Monday Nitro on July 6, 1988. It wasn't "WCW Monday Nitro," by the way. It was labeled, "Monday Nitro." It closed with the graphic stating: "Believe the Hype."

-They replayed Spike Dudley's head hitting the table at ringside.

2 -- SPIKE DUDLEY (w/D-Von & Bubba Dudley) vs. ROB CONWAY (w/La Resistance)

Spike wore a neck brace. Lawler said he couldn't believe Bischoff was forcing him to wrestle. The Dudleys attacked La Resistance at ringside and into the crowd while Conway beat up Spike in the ring. Ross said these six would face off at Unforgiven. Ross said the ref should have stopped the match before it started. Conway pinned Spike quickly after slamming him to the mat on the back of his head.

WINNER: Conway at 0:22.

STAR RATING: NR

-Conway brought a table into the ring and set up it up. He threw Spike toward the table, but miscalculated and threw him too far, and Spike landed on the top of his head in the furnace in the back room and poor Little Spike burned to ashes. Okay, in reality, he powerbombed him through the table. The other Dudleys chased Conway to the back. Then they ran back to the ring to check on their little half-brother.

-Al Snow and Jonathan Coachman talked backstage with Bischoff, looking more like a trucker at a truck stop than a GM of cable TV's highest rated weekly series, about how they'll be hosting Raw starting next week. Coach asked Bischoff about some mysterious idea they had. Bischoff said he loved it, everything was in place, and it would happen later. Bischoff said he had to prepare for the Last Man Standing match contract signing between Shane "House Show Bound" McMahon and Kane. A woman (Tough Enough's Jessie) handed Bischoff a note. He read it and said there were "two half-naked women" waiting for him in his office. He assumed they were hot and horny, which logically for a pudgy fortysomething wearing a brown button up big collared western-style shirt, jeans, and a geeky trucker baseball cap, would lead to sex for him. Coach sure makes a better heel than a straight man.

[commercial break]

-Bischoff entered his office to find Fabulous Moolah and Mae Young in his office. You had to see that one coming. He asked what they were doing there. Moolah said she was there for her 80th birthday match. Austin entered and wished her luck and then told Bischoff to give her a good luck miss. Before Bischoff could escape, Young kissed Bischoff who made his "I'd rather be eating poop" face.

3 -- VICTORIA vs. FABULOUS MOOLAH

Ross said the 80 year old was going to have a wrestling match in her hometown, something Vince McMahon had promised her so she could say she wrestled on national TV in her 80s. I can't wait for 2013! Victoria yanked Moolah to the mat, but then Victoria knocked Young off the ring apron, so Moolah rolled up Victoria from behind for a pin.

WINNER: Moolah at 0:22.

STAR RATING: NR

-Afterward, Victoria beat up both Moolah and Young. Then Randy Orton's music played and he ran to the ring and threw Victoria off of the geezers. "Victoria, are you out of your mind?" asked Orton. "Do you know who this is? Fabulous Moolah!" He said his father and grandfather told him stories about her and said she doesn't deserve it. Orton said it was Moolah's 80th birthday (actually, her birthday was several weeks ago). Moolah got up. Orton shook Moolah's hand and then introduced himself as a "legend killer." Then he gave her his RKO and then gave his self-satisfied smug smiled as only Orton can and shrugged his shoulders.

[commercial break]

-Footage aired of Goldberg pinning The Giant (a/k/a Big Show) on Nitro. Hogan is still going to be mad, even though WWE showed they weren't just showing Goldberg winning to bury him since they also showed Goldberg beating a current headliner. Although you could argue "those in charge of the Raw brand" were trying to make Smackdown's Big Show look bad. That's why you can't manufacture the excitement of the real Raw-Nitro feud with the Raw-Smackdown situation, because you know they'd never truly attempt to bury anyone on the "other show."

4 -- LANCE STORM & GOLDUST vs. MARK HENRY & RODNEY MACK (w/Teddy Long)

Storm and Goldust came to the ring to hip hop music, showing Storm truly isn't boring anymore. Ross said Henry is the most athletic 400 pound men he's seen. He said he left WWE for a while, and this is a new Mark Henry, meaner and nastier than ever. Henry powerslammed Goldust to win the match.

WINNERS: Henry & Mack at 1:58.

STAR RATING: 1/2* -- Pretty much a squash.

-Backstage, Hunter and Flair congratulated Orton for his attack on Moolah. I'm wondering, if Orton, Flair, and Hunter are still buddies, then Booker T is still IC Champ, because the Booker title change and the Flair-Hunter-Orton matches all took place on house shows. Why is one acknowledged on TV and the other ignored? Hunter and Flair walked off, and Orton went a different direction. Maven passed Orton in the hall with a knowing smile. Shawn Michaels then bumped into Orton almost literally. Orton said he is going to use Michaels as a stepping stone. Michaels said he does see a lot of himself in Orton. Is that a proposition? Michaels then slapped Orton and said, "If you're going to use me as a stepping stone, you better step hard." Orton didn't retaliate. He just held his jaw as if his lover had slapped him for the first time. It's so fun making up double-entendres and suggestive undertones when they really don't exist, isn't it?

[commercial break]

-Lawler and Ross talked about the soundtrack for Unforgiven.

-Backstage, Hurricane "taught Rosey how to fly." Rosie got frustrated when Hurricane flew away, so he got on his cell phone and called for a cab. Terri then walked past Rosie to interview Gail Kim and Molly Holly. She asked how they planned to go about ending Trish Stratus's career. Molly said thanks to Gail Kim's special meeting with Bischoff last week, Trish would have to face both of them in a handicapped match. Ross said that wasn't fair. Lawler agreed. I liked Lawler better when he'd disagree and somehow explain how Bischoff was fair with some convoluted, funny explanation. Then again, given how Bischoff is trying to oust he and Ross from their jobs, it makes sense that he'd bond with Ross more than ever.

-Bischoff entered the ring for the contract signing between Shane "House Show Attendance Is About To Sky-Rocket" McMahon and "Asbestos" Kane. Bischoff said not only are Kane and Shane signing a match contract, but they're signing release forms so that neither he nor WWE would be held liable for anything that happens in that match. Ross's description of Kane this week: "What a hideous, uncaring, unfeeling monster." When Kane signed his name to the contact, Lawler quipped, "I'm surprised he can write." Shane "Get Ready For Trickle-Down McMahon-O-Nomics To Raise Everyone's House Show Payoffs" McMahon then came out. Shane said Bischoff made this match because he thinks Kane is going to annihilate him. "That may be true, but if you're going down, you're going down with me." He thanked Bischoff for making it a "Last Man Standing Match." He assured Kane he would be the last man standing. So in three sentences, Shane covered all three bases: (a) Kane annihilates him; (b) they annihilate each other; (c) Shane beats Kane and is the last man standing. Pretty clever, Shane is. Kane threw the contract signing table to the side. Shane then dove at Kane and gave him three several low-blows. We know at least one or two body parts that Kane didn't lose in the fires he survived. Shane then bashed Kane across the back with a steel chair twice. Shane then set Kane on an announce table at ringside. Ross drew attention to it by saying, "Another announce table? What's that doing there?" Good question. Shane then dove off the top rope with a flying elbow onto Kane, collapsing the table. Shane sold it as if it took a toll on himself, too. When he got to his feet he got a nice ovation from the crowd. Shane walked to the back gingerly as Kane slowly sat up with a grimace. He then stood and laughed at Shane.

[commercial break]

-A vignette aired of Goldberg pinning The Rock. Okay, Hogan cannot possibly be upset now, can he? Well, there's still that little detail of Rock earning more this year in wrestling and movies than Hogan made in his entire career in wrestling and movies. I mean, for someone who keeps score based on pocket book, mainstream recognition, and other superficial barometers, I can see Hogan being upset.

5 -- TRISH STRATUS vs. GAIL KIM & MOLLY HOLLY

Molly hit the Molly-Go-Round for the win. Molly and Kim celebrated, prompting Lawler to say: "I've never seen so many people celebrate such little accomplishments. What did they expect?" Molly and Kim continued to attack Trish after the match. Ross called them witches and said they were taking it too far. They took it further by lying Trish on an upright chair in the ring, but Lita made her Raw return to make the save. Ross said she was "stopping the carnage." Lita gave Kim a "Litabomb" to a huge pop. She followed up by giving a Twist of Fate to Molly. Lita helped Trish to the back.

WINNERS: Molly & Kim at 4:10.

STAR RATING: *

[commercial break]

6 -- TEST vs. VAL VENIS (w/Stacy)

Snow and Coach talked about how much they love Stacy's puppies. Snow said he's "an animal lover." Test went for a cover on Val at 2:00 after a pumphandle slam, but Stacy yanked Test off of Val. Test chased Stacy around the ring. Scott Steiner then walked out. Val then crotched Test on the top rope. Stacy then yanked the to rope to add more injury. Val then finished off Test for the win. Test grabbed Stacy by the wrist after the match. Steiner threw Test out of the ring and then tended to Stacy. Test yanked Stacy out of the ring and dragged her to the back. Steiner yelled, "This Sunday you son of a bitch!"

WINNER: Val at 3:02.

STAR RATING: 1/2*

-Lawler entered the ring and called Snow and Coach bozos. Lawler challenged then to a match "right here tonight, right now!" Snow agreed. Coach said, "Business is about to pick up."

-Footage aired of Goldberg cleaning house after entering the Elimination Chamber at Summerslam.

7 -- JERRY LAWLER vs. AL SNOW

Coach joined Ross on commentary and the agitating began. When Coach said he was better looking, Ross asked Coach to see how he looked after two bouts with Bell's Palsy. Ouch! Coach complained about now being on Ross's list of the Top Ten Announcers ever. He said he appreciated Ross's years of duty, but it was time for his era to begin next week. Ross asked Coach if he knows the names of any holds. Coach responded by saying he was going to beat Ross's fat ass. Lawler then pinned Snow with an inside cradle. Coach said that wasn't supposed to happen. Ross told Coach to "get the hell out of here, crybaby." Ross got up and applauded Lawler's win. Coach then hit Ross from behind. The heels fled. Lawler ran to Ross's aid.

WINNER: Lawler at 2:20.

STAR RATING: 1/2* -- They showed Ross and Coach's spirited bickering more than the action in the ring.

[commercial break]

-Ross said Coach gave him more motivation. He said he isn't ready to retire yet. He said, "I can't wrestle a damn lick, but I will fight your ass, Coach." He gave a good promo.

-Lawler and Ross ran down the Unforgiven line-up, which has filled out with the Trish & Lita vs. Kim & Molly, La Resistance & Conway vs. Dudleys, and Christian vs. Jericho vs. RVD matches.

-Austin asked Evolution where they were headed. They said they were headed to a party. Austin said if Flair and Orton interfere and get Hunter DQ'd, they'll cost Hunter the title. He said in the spirit of preparing for that match, Hunter ought to confront Goldberg on his own without Flair and Orton by his side. Hunter thought about it for a minute, then said, "I got this. You guys stay here." There's no one-on-one situation he won't take on, apparently.

[commercial break]

-Hunter entered the ring and said because this is the last time Goldberg will ever be on Raw, it's a great reason to throw a party. Hunter tried to a get "Goldberg" chant going. He waved his arms in the air a la The Public Enemy. Balloon and confetti fell from the rafters. Hunter said he realized when watching the clips of beating Goldberg beating all of these legends that he's defeated them, too. Hunter said the difference then between them is that he's beat Goldberg. He said Goldberg can't hold a candle to him. He said there are no more franchise players or dynasties in pro wrestling, except for him. "I am the standard bearer. I am the greatest champion of any kind alive today, bar none. And that's the truth." He said Sunday at Unforgiven, "Goldberg, I will beat you. And Goldberg, you will leave this business forever." He didn't guarantee it. Hunter's house mic went out on live TV, yet the end of it was still working. He kept saying "hello, hello, hello," and we could hear him on TV. Lawler pointed out that Hunter didn't realize we could hear him on TV and just not in the arena. They went to a long crowd shot. "I wasn't aware Goldberg made microphones." Hunter tried to gather himself. He said Goldberg won't be the last guy he retires. He said he bought Goldberg a retirement gift, something he could hang in his trophy room and look at with pride. He revealed a picture of a bloodied Goldberg getting slapped around by Evolution at the Elimination Chamber last month. "There are millions and millions of dollars worth of talent in the ring, and Goldberg is there, too," he said. He said the picture is the type of thing Goldberg's children would be able to bring to school for show and tell one day to prove that one time their father was in the ring with Triple H. "What a moment that will be for Goldberg's kids." It was at this point that the segment officially and unquestionably became officially too long. Hunter threw to clips of Hunter beating up Goldberg. "I am that damn good, aren't I?" asked Hunter. He asked for it to be replayed in slo-mo. Instead, Goldberg's big schnoz showed up on the big screen. He told Hunter to take a long, hard look at who's going to beat your ass this Sunday. "Believe the hype, because you're looking at the next World Heavyweight Champion. If it's a special moment you're looking for, you're about to get one right now," Goldberg said. Then he headed to the ring. Hunter swung the belt at him, but Goldberg ducked and pressed Hunter into the air. He then slammed him to the mat. Hunter rolled out of the ring, gasping for breath. Ross asked, "Will this be the last Raw we ever see Goldberg, or will we see Goldberg Monday night after he has won the World Heavyweight Championship of the World. Goldberg must win the World Heavyweight Title this Sunday or his career is over. And it's on PPV!"


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