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KELLER'S WWE RAW REPORT
JULY 21, 2003
LIVE FROM LOS ANGELES, CALIF.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

-Linda McMahon announced Kane was under house arrest, but would be escorted to the arena by police officers so he could wrestle the main event against RVD. Two hours later, Kane gave Linda a tombstone piledriver on the stage to end the show.

-Hunter and Goldberg had a face-to-face staredown in mid-ring to begin the hype for their SummerSlam main event.

-Shawn Michaels tapped out to Chris Jericho's Wall of Jericho thanks to interference from Randy Orton. The match lasted 24 minutes and was PPV main event quality.

-Booker T retained the IC Title against Test.

DETAILED RUNDOWN AND ANALYSIS

Eric Bischoff came out wearing a suit, looking "corporate." He gloated about this being the night Steve Austin's reign as co-GM ends. Linda McMahon then came out to intro music.

"Stone Cold Steve Austin is not responsible for Kane's actions, Kane is responsible for Kane's actions," Linda told Bischoff She also said Kane is under house arrest for his actions, "but being under house arrest doesn't prohibit him from earning a living, therefore Kane will come here and compete with Rob Van Dam tonight."

Absolutely ridiculous. Does Linda McMahon even think about her script before she memorizes it. Kane set a freaking WWE announcer on fire, and she says seven days later with enthusiasm that being under house arrest doesn't prevent him from making a living so he'll be on Raw later. As the corporate representative of Raw, how do the writers not see the need for her to react at least somewhat realistically to the incredible crime committed by one of their "superstars" last week? Absolutely ridiculous.

Bischoff said that was a great idea and he's 100 percent behind her. He said he wanted to shift from talking about Kane to talking about the firing of Austin. Austin's music then started and he came out. He said J.R. didn't want to press charges against Kane, and that's fine with him. Are Austin and Linda working from the same script. Linda said Kane was under house arrest, but Austin is talking about J.R. refusing to press charges. What an abomination of a follow up this is so far. They can't even get their stories straight.

She told Austin that he has done a fine job as GM, which is to draw fans to the TV show with an exciting product. But she added that Austin cannot continue to beat people up or she'd remove him from his position. Bischoff began gloating. Linda interrupted Bischoff and added, "...unless physically provoked." Austin said he would have to think about it. Linda warned Austin that if he didn't agree to those terms, she wouldn't be seeking out a replacement. "I'd have no choice but to give Eric Bischoff total control of Raw." She said she'd give Austin one week to think about it. Again, this is just full of holes and written for second graders. Why wouldn't Linda McMahon replace Austin? Why would she have "no choice" but to give total control to Bischoff? There is no plausible explanation provided for such statements.

Linda told Austin that since he won't agree to her terms and needs time to think about it, his services wouldn't be needed the rest of the night. Bischoff began signing "Na na na na, good bye," provoking Austin. Linda turned to Bischoff and told him that his services wouldn't be needed either. Austin began signing back at Bischoff, then lunged at him, prompting Bischoff to leap off the ring apron and flee the scene. Austin then gave Linda a beer and said if it happens to be his final appearance on Raw, he'd like a final toast. Linda had her mark moment with Austin by drinking a beer with him.

They had a week to come up with a plausible reaction to the Kane incident and managed to screw it up this badly? Unbelievable. To have Linda say Kane was arrested and have Austin say J.R. refused to press charges would have alone been enough or a glaring contradiction to make this a complete disaster of a segment as far as storyline progression, but then to have Linda just start spewing forth comments like she has "no choice" but to leave Bischoff in total control if Austin steps down just further demeans any reason to bother to pay close attention to WWE storylines because they certainly don't have any respect for the audience. They clearly decide where they want to go with no regard to plausible explanation and then say whatever they can to get from point A to point B without any attention to detail or sophistication. Absolutely embarrassing.

[commercial break]

1 -- GAIL GIM & TRISH STRATUS vs. MOLLY HOLLY & VICTORIA (w/Stevie Richards)

As Trish came out, Coachman said, "I'm always ready for this!" Just what we need, two perpetual 14 year old horny kids on commentary. This is going to be fun, huh? Coachman then said with Austin and Bischoff gone, who will be in control. Lawler called Coachman an idiot for not realizing Linda was now in charge. They showed the two stars of "The Mullets" TV show premiering Tuesdays on UPN this fall. They called them by their TV names and didn't even pretend they were actors. Lawler finally got around to mentioning Ross's condition - after popping on-air boners over Trish and plugging a TV show - by saying later they'd give an update on Ross's condition. Lawler said Coachman isn't sincere in wanting Ross to get better. Coachman said "eck-specially" when someone is burned. Kim slipped twice on the ropes during the first three minutes of the match, prompting boos from the crowd. The finish came when Trish mistakenly kicked Kim when Holly ducked.

WINNER: Molly & Victoria at 3:51 when Molly pinned Kim.

STAR RATING: 1/2*

-Coachman said Ross suffered "severe, severe burns to his back and his neck and his leg." Lawler said they are awaiting word on whether Ross is going to file charges. So that's the third version of this story. Linda said Kane was under house arrest, which means its irrelevant whether Ross presses charges or not because authorities have already arrested him. Austin said Ross refused to press charges. And now Lawler said they are awaiting word on whether Ross is going to press charges. I can't put words to how poorly written this show is so far.

[commercial break]

-Terri said she has learned Kane will be escorted from his home by police escort. This just keeps getting worse. Since when do police have time to give escorts to anybody who gets arrested for a heinous crime of setting Ross on fire? Un-f'ing-real. What world do these writers live in that they think this passes for entertaining storytelling. They couldn't have paid someone to come up with a more ridiculous follow up. Where is the indignation on anyone's part over what Kane did? Lawler has turned it into a joke that Coachman is happy because it helps him get a promotion. Linda is excited that he can still "earn a living." How many sharks can a show jump in 30 minutes? They've just shown us. Anyway, Terri interviewed Chris Jericho who cut a promo about facing Shawn Michaels later.

-Triple H, Randy Orton, and Ric Flair came to the ring. Orton said Mick Foley says he has all the tools but none of the experience to be a superstar in WWE. He asked Hunter and Flair if he made a name for himself when he kicked him down the stairs. "Ouch, don't hurt me, I'm not a wrestler anymore, I write books now," Orton said in a mocking tone. He then asked if he made a name for himself when he pinned all three Dudleys by himself. Orton said he has always been known as the Lady Killer, but now he has earned the name The Legend Killer. Coachman plugged that Orton vs. Val Venis was coming up next. Good delivery by Orton. He certainly knows how to carry himself like a star.

[commercial break]

2 -- RANDY ORTON (w/Ric Flair) vs. VAL VENIS

Hunter joined Coachman and Lawler on commentary. Hunter suggested Ross forget the number one rule of being on fire - stop, drop, and role. Hunter said he is going to hand select his opponents from now on since he's defeated everyone. Coach's response. Was: "Well, you have done it all." Should have been: "A true champion wouldn't hand pick their opponents, they'd take on all qualified challengers. That is, if you're as good as you say you are." Venis missed a Money Shot at 3:20. Orton followed up quickly with his finisher, which Coachman didn't call by name of course. Lawler said he agreed with everything Hunter said "except the stuff about J.R.; he didn't have to go there."

WINNER: Orton at 2:32.

STAR RATING: *

-After the match, Hunter went back into the ring as Orton put on his new t-shirt with the slogan on the back, "Paid, laid, and made." Hunter said nobody can stop Evolution. Goldberg then walked out. Coachman said they haven't heard from him in three weeks. Lawler said Goldberg must have heard Hunter say nobody can stop them. Goldberg began: "Hunter Hearst Helmsley, our fine World Heavyweight Champion. You stand out here. You say you're the best. You make it sound like you're invincible. Maybe in your own eyes, because to me you're nothing but another victim. And if you haven't figured it out, you're next!" Hunter and Goldberg went nose to nose. Coachman said you could cut the tension with a knife. Goldberg took off his t-shirt and challenged Flair, Hunter, and Orton. Fans chanted "Goldberg." Hunter and Goldberg kept yapping at each other without a mic, which actually led to some added credibility because it didn't seem to be "staged." Coachman said he could read Hunter's lips and Hunter said, "On my terms." Hunter, Flair, and Orton left the ring, but Hunter kept yapping at Goldberg as he walked up the aisle backwards. They cut to a commercial with Goldberg standing on the second rope yapping back at Hunter. They still don't trust Goldberg to say much, but this was solid use of his strengths without putting him at risk of screwing up.

[commercial break]

-Orton volunteered to go after Goldberg. Flair told Orton to settle down because they're going to do things on their terms. Hunter told Orton that he's done half of tonight's mission, and he has to do the other half so that by the end of the night, people leave the arena talking about him. Lawler begged to know what the plan was.

3 -- SHAWN MICHAELS vs. CHRIS JERICHO

No promos from Michaels last week or this week before this match. Lawler said this is "a classic," but it sure wasn't treated that way. One quick promo from Jericho, but no video feature or highlights or stage-setting by the production team or announcers otherwise. Coachman declared he's more hip than Lawler because he knows what "king of bling-bling means." Coachman's background on Jericho went no deeper than "he's been in several WrestleManias." Wow, I take back everything I said about Coachman not doing in-depth research before going on the air. That's the insight we're looking for as viewers to enhance our enjoyment of the match. Michaels skinned the cat and used his legs to attempt to head scissors Jericho over the top rope. Jericho escaped and went for a dive off the top rope, but Michaels ducked. Michaels then springboarded off the top rope and flipped on Jericho on the floor. He followed up with a crossbody block that was slightly mistimed, therefore prompting Coachman to praise it as beautiful. Flair ran to ringside at 8:40. Michaels slide out of the ring and punched him, then returned to the ring and went after Jericho again. Jericho slipped Michaels into a quick Walls of Jericho in mid-ring. They cut to a commercial cold with no warning. Usually they pick strategic spots to cut away from a match, usually during a transition point but never while one wrestler is in a finishing hold.

[commercial break]

Coachman apologized to viewers for the cutaway coming at a bad time. He said Michaels "barely got out of the Walls of Jericho." Lawler blamed Coachman and said it wouldn't have happened if J.R. was around. Flair interfered to give Jericho the advantage. Jericho rammed Michaels's back into the ringpost. Lawler said Michaels's weak spot is his lower back, even though earlier Coachman declared Michaels's back "100 percent" because he did bridge on an early attempted pin. Michaels dropkicked Jericho out of mid-air as Jericho was flying off the top rope toward Michaels. At 15:40 Michaels began his full-fledged comeback including playing to the crowd and his nip up. He then teased putting Jericho in the Walls of Jericho, but instead catapulted him into the corner and scored a two count. Coachman said they were putting together a memorable match. He said when they wrestle each other, they never disappoint. Jericho fought back with a Lionsault for a near fall. He chopped Michaels at 18:00, but then Michaels caught Jericho in a powerslam for a dramatic near fall. Coachman did a nice job selling the near falls in this match. Jericho set up a top rope back suplex, but Michaels elbowed out of it and then dropped his signature top rope elbow. The crowd popped and many stood. Michaels then signalled for his Sweet Chin Music by stomping the mat. Jericho ducked, then he kicked Michaels between the legs. Ref Earl Hebner didn't see the rules infraction by Jericho. Both men went down. Jericho grabbed a chair, but Michaels kicked it into his face. When Flair interfered again, Hebner left the ring and argued with Flair at ringside. Nobody's better at arguing with ref's than Flair. Nobody comes close. Orton then ran to the ring and slammed Michaels's head onto the chair. Orton and Flair left ringside. Jericho draped his arm over the apparently KO'd Michaels, but at the final split-second Michaels lifted his shoulder prompting another crowd pop. Jericho then applied another Walls of Jericho. Michaels crawled toward the ropes, but couldn't reach them and after about 45 seconds tapped out. Coachman called it a "tainted victory to say the least."

WINNER: Jericho at 24:02.

STAR RATING: ***3/4 -- Very good PPV quality match. The commercial break was annoying, but the execution throughout was solid.

[commercial break]

-A replay aired of Linda McMahon, slurring her words worse than usual as she attempted to sound super-corporate, telling Austin he couldn't be putting his hands on all the WWE superstars.

-Lance Storm stood in the ring and said he is there for one reason, to show off his natural talent and charisma to all the agents and talent scouts in the audience. He told Rob Reiner, who was sitting front row, to pay close attention. He said for a performer who can guarantee box office receipts and keep the audience on the edge of their seats, look no further than himself.

-Terri backstage interrupted to show Kane being escorted into the building in chains around his wrists and ankles.

[commercial break]

-They re-plugged the WWE.com poll asking viewers whether they think Jim Ross should press charges against Kane.

-They showed footage of the APA, Ivory, and Terri visiting Camp Wildfang in the "Middle East" entertaining U.S. troops.

4 -- BOOKER T vs. TEST - Intercontinental Title match

They showed Christian watching the match on a monitor backstage with a grimmace that said, "I want that title! That should be my belt! I don't like Booker T! I'm a heel!" When Test scored some offense, he did jumping jacks and push-ups to mock Scott Steiner. Lawler and Coachman spent the bulk of the title match talking about Kane and Ross. Laler said he doesn't understand why Ross hasn't pressed charges. Coachman said, "To be honest, I would probably press charges." he said that as if he was "going out on a limb" by saying that. Steiner came out onto the stage, sat in a chair, and was joinede by Stacy, distracting Test who couldn't concentrate on the match. Stacy bent over and rubbed her butt in Steiner's face. Then she began giving him a lap dance. Booker cradled Test for a near fall. He immediately followed up with a Book End for the win.

WINNER: Booker T at 4:43.

STAR RATING: * -- It's strange to see an IC Title match in the slot of the show usually reserved for the "throwaway segment." Then again, it was treated like a throwaway segment. It's not as if they mentioned Test's title shot earlier in the show.

[commercial break]

-Coach revealed that 62 percent voted that Ross should press charges against Kane. Lawler said Ross might be thinking twice because Kane might seek out revenge.

-They showed RVD backstage warming up for his main event against Kane.

[commercial break]

-Hurricane sat backstage with Rosie. He said he looks like he had superhero potential. Goldust entered the picture and said Rosie is a "Super Hero In Training - S.H.I.T." Then he yelped and squeeled and left.

-Kane was escorted to the ring and they began to unchain him.

[commercial break]

5 -- KANE vs. ROB VAN DAM

Byt 2:00 they brawled up onto the stage. kane was about to chokeslam RVD off the stage when two referees, Arn Anderson, and Johnny Ace came out to talk Kane out of it. Linda McMahon also came out. Nobody wanted to come close to him, though, as every time he made a move toward them, they backed down. He got in Linda's face, which immediately turned him babyface in the eyes of the crowd. He then punched out Ace and Anderson then got back in Linda's face. He then grabbed Linda by the throat. Lawler tried to intervene. He punched Kane, so Kane dropped Linda and punched Laler. Linda bled from the side of her neck where Kane grabbed her. He picked her up again, then gave her a tombstone piledriver. Kane laughed and walked away. The refs and agents called for help. Coachman had left the announcing booth.

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