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ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - Raw: Shield vs. Meatheads on Sunday!, Rock Accidentally Sells Eliminate Crackheads PPV, Heyman Is Reminded That He's a Paul Heyman Guy, Too

Feb 12, 2013 - 1:35:33 PM
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By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

Raw Twitter Stream time! Get it real-time & raw here @Shanetexascedt .

We pick up where Raw usually gets interesting at the top of the second hour. Turns out I missed a great Jericho-Bryan match. C'mon, WWE. Your first hour is supposed to be full of suck, then the good stuff happens.

Cena/Sheamus/Ryback need a warm-up before facing The Shield, so here's 3MB. Any idea what Sheamus and Ryback are doing at Mania? 30 years from now: "Geesh. You didn't know who the 3MB was? You call yourself a wrestling fan? You're supposed to remember everybody."

Logic is that Big Show became a comedic heel because WWE already has two scary monster heels (Brock Lesnar & Mark Henry). Big Show: Ahhhhh! Ahhhhhhh! Ahhhhh! (Orange Paint Spilled on Him.) Guh!!! Ahhhhwwahhhwahhhhhhhh! There's only so many times you can paint a heel as a fool, then as vicious, then back as a fool, then back to being vicious. And, Big Show knocks out Striker. Now Matt Striker can't give us his WWE App interviews. Damn, man. WWE's non-speaking promos: "We don't even need writers!"

Can Alberto Del Rio slap on that arm-breaker on Big Show at the Chamber? Maybe, I dunno. Maybe if he blinds Show with paint first. Alberto Del Rio's inner thoughts: "You know, it's cool to pretend to be all poor and stuff."

Later: Shield speaks. Rock speaks. Video recaps. Nobody wrestles. Hey, you already got your *** match, stop complaining.

How do you make Jack Swagger credible again? Bring in an old fisherman as his manager. Any chance the fisherman ("Seth Kozer?") just walked out with Swagger and WWE just went with it? Seth Kozer needs to look like a coach. Whistle. The whole look. Not looking like he just walked off the set of "Swamp People." Time to talk. "'Murica! We weakened our gun laws! 'Murica! China's kicking our ass! 'Murica! We're fatasses!" Get off my TV, please. Get off. You can't handle the truth that this push blows chunks. But, it does set up Swagger vs. Del Rio.

Dolph Ziggler has been doing nothing this whole month. He's barely been on TV. Where's the Valentine Day's kiss-athon with A.J.? Later it's Ziggy vs. Kane. And, Ziggler regrets being on television and wishes he was back in near obscurity.

Loving the "Highlight Reel" with Miz on Main Event. "So, how does it feel that your copycat show of mine sucks?"

I thought the WWE tag team division died. Seems it's alive...wait, Brodus Clay and Tensai are teaming up? R.I.P. WWE Tag Team Division. Maybe they should put yellow sunglasses on Tensai to release his inner funk. Rikishi dancing was unique. I think this Tensai/Brodus Clay pairing was born out of one of Vince McMahon's deranged nightmares.

A reminder at Elimination Chamber it's Team Meatheads vs. The Shield. Hopefully it's another stars-making match for the Shield. And, it's time for Shield to talk! You should listen to Seth Rollins. He can't afford to color the rest of his hair. Rollins: "John Cena, you fail everyday when you get up and exist!!!" Cold, dude. Cold. Then, Shield gets all meta on us and talks about the "John Cena Problem." Not quite the Dungeon of Doom vs. "The Hulk Hogan Problem" ... yet.

"Hey, Paul, why don't you go out there and kill some time?" "Sure, guys. I'll act like I'm saying goodbye." #Oscar. C.M. Punk: "Here, Paul. Wear this 'I'm A Paul Heyman Guy' t-shirt. Believe in yourself." Brock: "Why can't you hug me like that, Paulie? Sniff..."

Did you know that Sandow is about as tall as JBL? And did you know ring entrances are longer than the matches in WWE? Hey, buddy, I'm a overtly sensitive ignoramus.

WWE Active Reporters? Those people exist? Can they dress up in press hats and carry notepads and hang around ringside? That's what WWE needs: Young, hip Twitter people who shill WWE and talk about super kewl it is. They don't even need to be wrestling fans.

It's the point in the show where you have to search for what's the main event of the show again. Oh yeah. Rock talking how he's not a Paul Heyman guy.

Ziggler vs. Kane in the main event; it's a great example of shoving a useless match into a Raw. Don't take too long, guys. Rock's gotta swear. A.J. makes googly eyes at Kane and Ziggy wins. Damn, this show is way too long. Is there a PPV this Sunday?

Meanwhile, Booker T and Teddy Long continue their month-long plan of making a B-Grade Chamber match. My sentimental favorite to win the TeddyBook Invitational is Mark Henry. He's a lovable guy who's "gunna beat the piss of you!!!" Voice-Over Man: "These man are prepared to go to war...to win a chance to be at the opening match of WrestleMania!"

Main Event (talking) Time. So, McMahon doesn't want Rock to get a easy way out. Vince did see the Rumble match. Rock did look a little gassed. No, no story time with The Rock. I want some hype for Rock vs. Punk. Please. Dude, Rock, stop living in the past. High school was a long, long time ago. Okay, that Jeff Jarrett quip was good. Hey, Rock, could you talk about Bruno? How cool he was? Instead, you're talking about a crackhead.

Maybe, just maybe, I won't be buying Elimination Chamber, Rock? Uh, thanks Rock. Thanks for talking about your bad car purchase. You think anybody in the back is respecting this Rock's crackhead promo? First takeaway from story: Rock doesn't understand there's a PPV this Sunday. But, whatever. This is the WWE Champion speaking like he got invited to talk to a group of businessmen for $5,000 an hour.

Recap: Rock bought a car from a crackhead as a teenager. It was a bad purchase. But, Elimination Chamber won't be a bad purchase.

Overall, Wow. Disappointing Raw. Too much filler, too much confusing garbage. I'm sorry I watched it. And, I missed Bryan-Jericho.

Champs: Paul Heyman, Daniel Bryan, Chris Jericho, Dutch Mantell, Fandango-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go.

Chumps: Rock, Big Show, Jack Swagger, Daimen Sandow Losing, Bo Dallas, Kofi Kingston, Tensai/Brodus Clay, Dolph Ziggler, Kane.


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