Alphabet Soup - WWE Smackdown 5/11
By Charles Cress, PWTorch specialist

A – An innocent question. So, if Money in the Bank’s gimmick is the titular match, and Extreme Rules has “extreme” matches (if any of you ordered this PPV in the last few years, you understand the need for quotations) and Hell in the Cell, and so on and so forth describe the central conceit of each event, what’s Over the Limit’s gimmick? Do all the matches take place in speeding stock cars? Is it the world’s largest drinking and driving contest? Oh my gosh! I got it! Is it another rooftop monster truck battle?! Please be another rooftop monster truck battle...funny that those "matches" never caught on. Wouldn’t it be awesome to over-hear a fan saying, “Orton is super-tough, but Sheamus is used to driving on the other side of the road, so that might give him an advantage. I just hope Jericho’s pit crew is ready. I mean, it’ll be good, but it’s no Kurt Angle vs. Jeff Hardy...”

B – By the way, is this opening tag match the same exact match from Raw? Or, am I crazy? Or am I correct and crazy? Or, none of the above? I like multiple choice. The obvious “stupid” answer you can rule out here is “none of the above.” It’s never “none of the above”...

C – Cool story, bro. While I enjoy 75 percent (this is math week, apparently. So you know, when in Rome...go site seeing and make sure to have travelers checks) of the participants in this tag match on their own, was repeating this a good idea for the opening match? I know it sold the chaos and “anything can happen” feel of a four-way (it honestly did), and it set up the later matches, but do they really think people tuning in and seeing this match again are going to stay? Why not mix it up with heel/face vs. heel/face and then devolve into this? I almost thought it was a re-run until I heard the announcers snapping at each other. I mean, are they all on their cycles this week?

D – D’awww! Look at A.J.! So adorable! Even when she’s angry, she’s a ball of cuteness. Like a baby in a pumpkin costume crying or the fat kid at the grocery store screaming his chubby cheeks off because he can’t eat the Fruity Pebbles in-store. And, I don’t blame A.J. for slapping Kaitlyn. You have to slap anyone just on principal for saying “like” that many times. It was like “Clueless 2: Trailer Park Princesses” or something. WWE just makes Kaitlyn look trashy. If Ryback’s song is called “Meat,” than Kaitlyn’s should be called “Coldsore.” Also, unrelated but sort of, A.J.’s “Shining Wizard” finish was pretty cool.

E – Evvvilllll! Daniel Bryan delivered a gem of a promo. That was creepy to the max. (Why am I talking like a Mountain Dew commercial all of a sudden? Max it to the gnar gnar, bro! X! Z! Random cool letters!) The more sinister Bryan gets, the better. His character's taken quite a beating recently. Since the whole “Yes!” thing started, he’s been much more face than heel, and he’s lost a lot of the little idiosyncrasies that made me love him as a bad guy originally. It’s good to see him reclaiming the glory that was his sociopath ultra d-bag master manipulator character that first got him over. Bryan as the smartest guy in the room has always been my favorite gimmick for him. It plays well into his submission and counter based in-ring style, too. More this, less “Yes!”

F - For shame. I love that after D-Bryan's cacophony of derogatory verbiage, the fans still chanted “Yes!” That's like asking the Unibomber to autograph your copy of his manifesto or asking Charles Manson to pose for a Facebook pic with you. He just yelled at a poor, sweet girl! Gosh! And, poor A.J. Taylor Swift songs never prepared her for this eventuality. "I thought after I wear sneakers and she wears short skirts, and she’s cheer captain and I’m on the bleachers, he'd love me forever! She didn’t that’d he’d watch me beat up my best friend and then tell me he was going to sleep with her! Where’s that song, Tay? Where’s that song?!”

G - Grade B-. Smackdown was pretty fun if only because the influx of young talent is so damn exciting. New blood always breathes life into anything (...literally), I just hope WWE works on Smackdown's core problems instead of coasting on the sweet hemoglobin the new breakout stars are donating (okay, that sentence was freaking amazing. Come on.). It was better than keeping your TV on Syfy after Smackdown accidentally, but not as good as Justin Bieber’s hair. This is a no judgment zone, dammit!

H - Huh. Sort of enjoyed the short match that was Bryan-Show. And, not just because it was short. Bryan has a way of making me like guys I usually don’t. Plus, the segment managed to progress both men’s stories very well. Sure, it’s too bad no one mentioned C.M. Punk at all, but I’ve given up on WWE promoting Punk-Bryan at the PPV. Eh.

I – I think Big Show is practicing for his next career as the World’s Largest Submissive. “No...sir.” That’s right, you better say sir. Don’t make me get the hockey stick out to spank you again. With your giant dinosaur ass... Annnddd that concludes this week’s edition of “Please, God, Mom, Don’t Be Reading This."

J – Just sayin’. I sort of like Heath Slater’s song. Don’t worry, I still want to throw him in a vat of acid '50s-comic-book-style and watch him crawl out with purple skin and some lame superpower like a mane of worms instead of his Jennifer Aniston female bowl cut. His tune has some worth, though. Anyone else love the way Heath Slater’s voice squeaked when he said, “Who has he beaten anyway?!” Heath...come on, you over-sold that on purpose. That was the “HBK Shake” of promos. You know, that thing where HBK would over-sell someone’s move he didn’t like and shake on the mat like his balls were hooked up to a car battery? Kinda like how Big Show does with his Master? That was the verbal equivalent. All that said though, I think this red-head kid has a chance. I mean, Ryback? He’s not so tough.

K – Kind of weird. What is that weird hand thing Ryback does? I...I do not understand. Is he trying to phone home? Is he trying to wave in a 747? Is he trying to help your uncle back his ’77 Ford Astro Van into your garage, even though cousin Ronnie already said it wouldn’t fit and you had to move like four boxes out of the garage and one of them was your old Beanie Babies and you're worried everyone will see them? Is he Magneto’s giant son, Meatneto? Was he petting his invisible pet dinosaur? (I pick that one). Ugh. Oh, and why are his teeth so bright? It was like crashing at Sin Cara’s apartment. It’s goes back to my old bit about Sting doing his crazy “Joker” gimmick in TNA: if he’s so crazy, why does he make sure to do his facepaint, comb his hair, and brush his teeth? Real crazy people look like that guy next to Wendy’s who keeps peeking in the window with the aluminum foil pirate hat and the “Patriots 19-0 Super Bowl Champs” t-shirt. Does WWE really want us to imagine Ryback gently brushing his teeth and using mouthwash while humming a Les Mis song?

L – Lolz. Heh, Heath lost. And, you know, I’m actually starting to like Ryback, and I don’t know why. I know exactly what he’s doing and I know exactly how WWE is trying to make it look, but despite all that, I still sort of like it. I guess it’s just kind of cool to see how he beats people. I hope this goes past the Brodus Clay mid-card level and tries to rip through guys like Cody Rhodes, Drew McIntyre, a returning Wade Barrett (the best bet I think), or even Mark Henry. I wonder, though: are they ever going to mention he’s the same guy from NXT Season 1 who was unfortunately prone to shouting “Yip yip yip?!" It would have been interesting to play up his history with Slater. Though, I can understand wanting to get away from his terrible, terrible previous gimmick. By the way, am I the only one that misses the part-time underground go-go dancers/jobbers that they had facing Ryback every week? ... No? Just me that misses it? Figures...

M – My, my...is Aksana looking good this week! You know, I don’t say this about everyone, but WWE makes sure her character sluts up really nice. Her parents must be proud. Love the Michael Jackson jacket, by the way. They just got those where you are from, huh? I bet it’s like Back to the Future over there...literally. Like they haven’t even seen that movie yet. Here’s a tip: invest heavily in flannel. It’ll pay off in a couple of years. It’s okay, though, Aksana, you still look good. Like a cross between Peggy Bundy, the ends from a really nice rug, and a Lego person with an up-do. You know...nice.

N – No complaints here. Cesaro looked like a star out there. Very “larger than life,” you know? I love his exaggerated motions the most. The gesturing was spot-on. That’s the kind of character you need to present on a televised wrestling show. Act big, look big. It was like theater 101 out there. Plus, the idea of Aksana as his European model girlfriend is perfect for his character. The fact is, Cesaro is a born heel. He makes this look good. His finisher does suck, though...yeah, sorry about that.

O – Oh goodness. I can’t say anything bad about Cena’s heartwarming video. I’m not THAT bad of a person. No doubt I’m a bad person, just not that bad. I’m more "civil disobedience with minor felonies and mean-spirited jokes" bad. If I say anything, it’s that his published “piece” was written pretty terribly. I mean, it’s no Alphabet Soup or anything...I’d be glad to give him tips, though. Like this one, free of charge: Use tons of parenthesis. People love it. (I hope.) Or, this one: Talk about how hot you think certain men are. It makes you quirky! (I hope.) It was a cute little video, though. No one doubts how good of a person Cena is. Much better of a person than me.

P – Pretty okay. Didn’t completely hate Randy Orton this week. His match with Alberto Del Rio was just above wrist-slitting. Orton’s offense seemed a little more varied, if not much faster. It’s not that I find a slow, meaningful offense boring, it’s that I find Randy Orton boring. Slow offense can be entertaining. Randy Orton cannot. Well, okay, this week, he sort of was. Not bad at all. He was an Orton 8.0, a regular 4.0. Like how a Detroit 9.0 is an L.A. 5.0 or a five-star TNA match is a two-and-three-quarters backyard wrestling match. Plus, Ricccaaarrddddoooo! And, how jealous is Sheamus’s left arm after it saw Del Rio’s crotch sliding into home plate with Orton’s meat hook? Time to burn all those pictures...

Q - Quotes.

Cena: “I’m not just a WWE Superstar, actor, rap artist...” Whoa, slow down there, buddy! Someone’s taking some liberties with his resume...you are at the most, one of those.

Booker: “You look at Swagger's body, you can tell he's in shape!" Thank you for that intrepid tele-journalism, Booker.

R - Really gay. Did anyone else think Booker sounded like he was cruising for a date with Swagger on commentary? I don’t blame him (I adore Swagger’s hair!), but, really? He said no less than four times that his body looked nice. Just sayin’, it was weird. It’s PG, Booker, keep it in your pants.

S - Seriously love Titus O’Neil and Darren Young. They are the number one example of why a show like NXT should exist. Both of these guys climbed the WWE ladder at every conceivable level - from FCW to NXT Seasons 1 & 2 to NXT: Redemption to the current incarnation of NXT and now onto Smackdown. They really had time to figure out exactly what does and doesn’t work on this level, bolstered by the fact they got to do this weekly in front of thousands of people and even more watching at home via Internet of television. They are truly fully-formed wrestlers. NXT and FCW for them almost functioned like the territory system of old, giving these guys a chance to get all the kinks out before appearing in the big leagues as a polished product. And, by doing so, they appear to the WWE Universe as more interesting and instantly more credible prospects than guys they’ve seen time and time again repackaged and so clearly pushed by management. Both are brimming with personality, charisma, and, most importantly, both have the WWE style down perfectly. This is one of the rare cases WWE’s micromanagement of Superstars has paid off. You almost wonder what they can do with other guys. I mean, Titus was greener than Big Boy’s salad bar (what? They have really good food...) when he appeared on the inaugural season of NXT and now he makes it look effortless. I believe again, WWE. And, I almost forgot the best part: While they have considerable swagger and use a rap song as their entrance, they don’t dress like stereotype gangsters or pretend to be rappers and/or hustlers! Success!

T - Too much. I continue to think Sandow is way too over-the-top. Rather than being played as silly or pretentious (as most heels do with this character), Sandow (and the writers, by and large) is playing his gimmick straight. It’s just too much. He’s getting some heat, though, so good for him, but I don’t know if this can last. With Chris Jericho, it’s just one part of his character. With Sandow, it’s everything. I know over-the-top is name of the game when you are appealing to a mass audience, but this, as I’ve said before, is too much. Tone it down, buddy.

U - Ugh...Hunico’s promo was pretty awful. Asking rhetorical questions is my gimmick, taco! I’m still holding out hope for Hunico. The man can do it all. More importantly, though, Funkasaurus was out, which means I got a nice 30-second workout shaking my groove thing, yeah yeah, on the couch. It’s no Jazzercise, but I can dig it. Pretty good match too. I love Brodus getting his mean streak back. The thing about Brodus is, when he really gets going, it’s like watching Free Willy jump over the little boy’s head and back into the ocean. Amazing. (That’s not a comment on his weight, by the way...I compare tons of things to Free Willy, like cars...aeroplanes...fat guys jumping...okay, bad examples.) He’s 6-foot-a-lot and 300-plus-pounds, easily. It’s incredible to watch him haul that load around the ring.

V - Very good. Sheamus and Jericho had a pleasant-enough main event match. Sheamus continued to impressively sell his arm while Jericho proved he can, in fact, wrestle a good match against someone with his hand tied behind his back. I'm looking forward to the four-way, but only because they’re really fun matches and I can’t wait to make really groan-inducing innuendo jokes. You know, the same reasons everyone else likes them. Boy, I hope if Jericho pins Randy that Del Rio and Sheamus still get to finish...the match. See? I already started.

W - Worried. The only downside is preparing for whatever hacky, hastily-written, forced match they’ll have next week with these four guys. I’m calling six-man tag, with them adding in Rhodes and Big Show. Or, an eight-man tag with American Perfection (a/k/a Team Tumblr Pictures, a/k/a Good Hair Forever - Swagger/Ziggler) and Kofi/Truth (a/k/a No Way I’m Naming This Team) joining up. Either way, I’ll hate it and you can’t wait to hear me complain. So. we all win...but me! Yay.....

X - Xylophone.

Y - You know you watch too much Smackdown when: You’re pretty sure Antonio Cesaro’s music has been used by not one, but at least seven different low-level talent since 2001.

Z – Zero: The number of Cody freaking Rhodes appearances this week! What the hell?! Are you trying to start a riot?! I have my dad’s old lighter, okay? I can throw it pretty hard! Don’t test me! I need my Codes! Gosh! You know what? No more Zero for this column. I’m too angry. End.

***

As always, you can contact me via email at c_cress08@yahoo.com (I almost always respond, even if you insult me!) or tweet/follow me at @CharlesCress. You can also read more from me on my blog The Midnight Snack at themidnightsnack.net.


[Claudio/Cesaro photo credit Wade Keller (c) PWTorch.com]

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