Alphabet Soup - WWE Raw 5/7
By Charles Cress, PWTorch specialist

A – Aww, he’s so cute when he thinks he’s tough! I love John Laurinaitis's “Don’t make me angry" speech. It reminds me of the classic Simpsons bit where Stan Lee thinks he’s actually the Hulk and just sort of tugs at his clothes and makes noises before saying, “Buttt I really did it once...” That’s Johnny. Regardless of his wrestling past, no one is afraid of this doofus. WWE has already done irreconcilable damage to his character via C.M. Punk’s weekly brow-beating. You can’t have it both ways. Which reminds me, anybody else slightly sympathetic to Big Johnny here? I mean, Cena was sort of a jerk last week and C.M. Punk this week might as well have kicked him in the crotch and stolen his lunch money. He did everything but hand him a pistol and tell him to make like Old Yeller and find a barn. They’re literally bullying him. And, it’s unprovoked!

B – Boo. C.M. Punk is lost in limbo. WWE hasn’t had the faintest clue of what to do with his character since Money in the Bank. Punk’s goal this week was basically to remind everyone how much he hates Johnny and wants to beat him up...which is funny because he’s not wrestling Johnny. What could have transitioned into a Daniel Bryan promo to build up the FREAKING WWE TITLE MATCH became Punk bullying an old-guy to make John Cena seem cooler. And, it still didn’t work. I have yo-yos cooler than John Cena. I have snap bracelets cooler than John Cena. My MySpace account is cooler than John Cena, and it has a Semisonic song on it. I know, I know, Punk’s verbal kung-fu (might trademark that...verbal kung-fu...clever), eventually led to a match with Lord Fat Guy and in a roundabout way, Bryan, but that wasn’t the explicit purpose. The point is, if all C.M. Punk is going to do is make fun of people and walk around with a beard three hairs away from getting him detained at an airport, he should go back to the drawing board.

C – Cody Rhodes. I’m not going to do what you all expect me to do. I have standards, okay? I’m a journalist! (Or at least, that’s what I tell the parents of someone I’m dating and my stuffed animals. Ralph the Rabbit is not amused. That’s a stuffed animal by the way. I’m not dating Peter Cottontail...) I’m not going to write some long paragraph about Cody’s beautiful lady legs or expertly sculpted physique. I’m not even going to talk about how soft his hair is or say something like “His hair is so soft you could birth babies on it,” even though you could. No, I’m going to be professional. Ehem...OMG I luv you Codes! You iz teh hawt! Sign my man breasts! What’s your favorite color? Wait no, let’s say at the same time. 1...2...3...Pin-blue! Blue! We both said blue! OMG! ... Like I said, professional.

D – Done. Finally, just maybe, Cody Rhodes has broken the curse the ancient witch from Latveria set on him. You know, the curse that forces him to wrestle Big Show and/or Randy Orton every night for eternity. Please, God, be true, because this is a waste of his talent. Big Show is a good temporary partner to lend Cody some Grade-A heat and maybe a few tips on getting over, but this is overkill. Cody’s style is versatile (rap line!) but needs someone with a lot more athleticism to shine. Rhodes is a sneaky good athlete with a very believable offense. Like a manly John Morrison or Justin Gabriel during a “Dance Moms of Miami” marathon. I hope Rhodes finds a great dance partner to enhance the IC belt one last time and move on to the World Championship before the end of the year.

E – Eh. I don’t know Eve, I’m pretty sure there are A LOT of jobs out there for 7-foot, 400-pound people. Just off the top of my head: bouncer, rickshaw driver, Barney the Dinosaur, Austin Powers 4 villain, guy who cleans ceiling, professional old-timey one giant wheel bike rider, standing next to little people for Internet meme pictures...tons of stuff!

F - For real. Love Eve’s new gimmick, and not just because she looks like she’s about to make a D student earn a passing grade. Eve as a heel taps into the universal insecurities every teenager shares when they see a pretty girl. Rejection, or fear of, is one of the strongest, most shared, and hardest emotions to defeat. Eve embodies all of that. Well done. Take that girl in 6th grade who said I smelled...you weren’t that hot anyway...yes, you were. I’m sorry. I didn't use deodorant then! I'm sorry!

G - Grade C-. I almost gave this episode a Z because it was so freaking frustrating to write about. Raw this week was, at its best, hilariously schizophrenic, like that friend you have that chews on the sleeves of his sweater. At its worst, it was impossible FOR A COMEDY WRITER to write about. Raw needs to step up the intrigue. Why am I watching Raw if no one is going to explode? It was better than sniffing your milk, but not as good as chewing the chewy part of bacon. It’s like bubble gum that can kill you! Whoo! ‘Merica rules!

H - How soon until Dolph Ziggler grows a carpet on his chest and starts spray-painting his face on his pants? Does he do parties? I’ve been wanting to hire a great Rick Rude impersonator. And, no, don’t start sending me emails with sad face emoticons, I’m not anti-Ziggler. Just sayin’. It’s a shame to see him lose by winning here, by the way, but in terms of narrative, it makes tons of sense. Swagger and Ziggler are an established tag team and it shows (gasp!) progression in the tag division by having one-half of the tag champs go against one-half of a future contender for their belts. The tag division has never been better since Jeff Hardy’s amazing technicolor dream hair leaped off a ladder onto the fat guy in TNA...no, not that one, the other one...the other one...no, the other one...keep going...yes, that one. Sorry, forgot how sandwich-hungry TNA’s portfolio is. By the way, can every terrible wrestling blogger stop bitching about tag teams now? Thanks. And while I'm at it, you suck at Photoshop.

I – I love AW’s gimmick. I always thought “Sports Super-agent” was a genius wrestling gimmick. Giving him a kayfabe agency and everything is really clever. I’m optimistic for sure, This could get really fun. And, even better, it works as a brilliant way to introduce new wrestlers with requisite hype and storyline backing. Sure, I was a little freaked out how AW eyed Mason Ryan like he was a teenage mom with no boyfriend, but that’s okay. I’ll give him a pass for now. Little tip, though: if you want to stare at a dude’s package and not make it obvious, act like you’re tying your shoe. Two words for you: eye level. It’s like having a staring contest with a cobra. Annndddd this ends this week’s installment of: “Nobody Tell My Mom About This Column." Thank you.

J – “John Cena, via satellite.” John Cena wouldn’t know irony - dictionary definition or modern definition - if he were wearing a Power Rangers t-shirt while singing every Alanis Morrisette song but “Ironic” after getting mad because his VCR wasn’t flashing “12:00.” By the way, what could the guy talking to him before the break possibly be telling him? What advice does he need about an interview? Look into the camera? Use your mouth to make words?

K – K, that was a waste of time. This show can get so damn frustrating. Sure, I’m happy we found out that the ghost-like “Board of Directors” does, in fact, know their GM beat the hell out of a performer. And, their decision was: Let the guy he beat up beat him up. How silly would it be being a board member of WWE?

Member #1: “As you know, our general manager beat and nearly broke the arm of an employee, a Mr., sorry Dr. Cena. This cannot be tolerated. We’ll need to lawyer up for the flurry of lawsuits of course and work on some non-violence initiatives. But, that’s not going to fix it. We need solutions people, solutions! Obviously, he’ll be terminated post-haste...”

Member #2: “What about a match?”

Member #1: “Do I smell that bad?”

Member #2: “Ugh, no Bob Hope, I mean a wrestling match. Surely, Cena must be allowed to beat up Johnny. I mean, after Lord Tensai did what he did...”

Member #1: “What? No! We are running a multi-million dollar company! One employee struck another and your solution is to let them fight on pay-per-view?! And who’s Lord Tensai?! That doesn’t even make sense! Sounds like what you’d call some fat white guy running around in Japanese tattoos."

Member #2: “It’s the only solution, sir.”

Member #1: “...Which pay-per-view?”

Member #2: “Over the Limit.”

Member #1: “Fine. Onto the next matter, it seems that a wrestler believes his loss shouldn’t have counted because his best friend turned on him and slept with his manager, the very same manager who proceeded to distract him by hitting him in the testicles. Apparently the manager isn’t allied with either competitor, she’s actually a double-agent for another wrestler who is mad the first wrestler beat him in a cage match. Now, my Harvard business degree tells me that...”

The problem with this entire feud is that Big Johnny isn’t Vince McMahon. He’s not even Stephanie (though his boobs aren’t bad). It just doesn’t work.

L – Love Layla and Kelly Kelly teaming. It’s like a meeting of the non-minds.

Kelly Kelly: "I'm a big fan of the shiny thing you have!"

Layla: "Me too! Shiny things are great!"

The match itself was, of course, in the grand tradition of WWE, a colossal waste of time that drove me to the brink of insanity. The only good parts were the ending and Beth’s “kill me now” look. You know it’s bad when the person wearing a headband is dismissive. I find that logic works everywhere in life. If you ever find yourself in a situation where someone in a headband isn’t pleased, get out of there. You are clearly pizza-slicing when you are supposed to be French-frying. You are having a bad time.

M – Man, I swear, if that kid with the reflective sign doesn’t sit down I’m going to go “confused old person during pest control commercial” on this TV. What’s that? It’s your tenth birthday? Oh goody! Guess what? I have a headache! Stop pointing your burning freaking laser at the screen! I will personally spit on your birthday cake if you don’t stop, and I’m writer...for a living! So you know my spit is nasty! I do things I’m not proud of to get by! I will rule you! ...Unless your dad reads this column, then it’s cute. Emoticon, anyone? :)

N – Never again. My goodness, why are Del Rio’s knee pads so small?! They’re like cankle kick pads! They’re like Ewok scarves. Awww, Ewoks in scarves! Sorry. By the way, anyone else think the back of Del Rio’s car smells like cheerleader practice?

O – Oh God. Honestly, this Orton & Sheamus vs. Jericho & Del Rio match isn’t THAT bad of a tag match, it’s just the fact that, yet again, WWE has a random tag match in the middle of the show that takes up way too much time. Also, why are Jericho and Orton here? Did Orton invoke the clause in his contract that allows him to interrupt any show with his mind-numbing offense and his patented impression of a slow-motion robot? Once upon a time, I thought Orton was a master for just his facials and subtle motions. That time was 456 random slow-killing tag matches and 129 promos and feuds I didn’t care about ago. He might still be a master, but I’ve had enough. I tolerate Cena for more than I tolerate Orton.

P – Perfect. OTL just became 89 percent more watchable. I love fatal four-way matches. They’re like regular matches, but you have four instead of two. Yep. Figured that out all by myself. Really though, they are amazing. It really adds some much needed pizazz (thanks, Glee) to a PPV with...no pizazz? I got nothing. The thesaurus is over there and that’s far away. Either way, should be a fun match. If you don’t have a story, why not just throw some guys in there and make it a big slobberknocker?

Q - Quotes.

Big Johnny: “I was the Hulk Hogan of Japan!” I think Hulk Hogan was the Hulk Hogan of Japan...

Cena: “The doctors recommended that I not compete for a few months...and I recommended I think they have no idea what they’re talking about!” Your doctorate is in Thuganomics, Dr. Cena, not medicine. Looking forward to your keynote address at the international Thuganomics conference, by the way. “Big Guns and Buffalo Nickels: An America Dream” sounds utterly riveting.

R - Really disappointed. One, I’m disappointed they don’t make Funkateer decoder rings...how will I ever figure out where the pirates gold went?! FRICAA doesn’t make sense! How is that a clue?! Also, bad match. Miz is okay enough, but Brodus is the problem. Faces primarily sell and, unfortunately, Brodus doesn’t. I mean, he could sell theoretically, but it doesn’t work for a guy his size. Especially not a guy who we’ve been conditioned to be entertained by in 90-second spurts of jiggling and jumping. Miz wasn’t exciting enough to carry the crowd through the boring parts and the match fell flat.

S - Seriously, though, Miz brought dat fire on da mic, dawg! He was out there spittin’ like a pro, and you know he kept that bitch one hunnad proof kid. ...Sorry, I got all rap there for a second. He was comfortable and entertaining for his part. I’d like to see him in a face role to really bring him back to the spotlight, but WWE has a habit of doing the opposite of what I say. So don’t have “Naked Wrestling Night.” Ever.

T - Toupee. Sorry, gut reaction. Why yes, I am talking about Paul Heyman! How did you know? I love how his hair has basically evolved into Comic Book Guy in his '60s. At this point, seriously, just cut it off. Twelve-year-olds have more pubic hair than Heyman has hair remaining on his head. It’s like a one-armed guy wanting to keep his fingers. He’s like hippie Hulk Hogan. It’s absolutely gravity defying. He is somehow growing hair on only the back of his head. It’s like a reverse emo cut.

U - Uh wow, I think I sort of care about the Brock storyline now. Heyman (and just before you start getting worried, I will not go into Internet blogger hyperbole here, promise) has a way of coaxing a reaction out of people, positive or negative. His cadence, especially on phrases like “Brock came here to be an ass kicker, and he was an ass kicker,” was immaculate. I’m not an overtly Heyman guy, but he’s pretty convincing in a smart guy/con man role and, most importantly, he makes it so I don’t have to listen to Brock release his womanly moaning every night on the mic. Brock’s voice can only be described as “What if the Joker was from Iowa?” As a vocal replacement, and someone that can articulate himself streets ahead of Lesnar, I give this a thumbs up. But, please don’t start the ECW stuff again. Let it die. If you want nostalgia, you can visit your nearest Target with a digital camera and go Legend Hunting.

V - Very fast. As in, the speed on my DVR was set to “very fast” when the two annoying guys from the new USA Network show that is exactly like all the others came on. Yay DVRs. Yay America.

W - Well, okay, that was something. Lord Fat Guy continues to be as over as a happy person in a creative writing class and Daniel Bryan kind of sort of wrestled. It’s becoming VERY apparent that WWE has no interest in actually building up this match. Bryan is going to be a Monster of the Week style challenger with no extended story and ushered away as fast as he came in. The PPV is just two weeks away and this is the first time there's even been an inkling that these men actually want this match. So far, this is easily the worst-built-up WWE Title match I can remember. Unless Punk or Bryan make a good case on the mic next week, we are in store for a disaster. Also, go away Tensai. I’m pretty sure you smell like old Jolly Ranchers.

X - Xylophone.

Y - You know you watch too much Smackdown when: You think Sheamus is so white, Japanese kids have seizures when he runs.

Z – Zero: The number of Khali monologues the last few weeks. Damn them! The percentage of grape children’s Tylenol chewables I had tonight. Need to rectify that. And, finally, the number of straws I’ve gotten at restaurants that don’t have a slit in them.

***

As always, you can contact me via email at c_cress08@yahoo.com (I almost always respond, even if you insult me!) or tweet/follow me at @CharlesCress. You can also read more from me on my blog The Midnight Snack at themidnightsnack.net.

[Torch art credit Grant Gould (c) PWTorch.com]

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