Alphabet Soup - TNA Impact Wrestling 9/8
By Charles Cress, PWTorch specialist

A – Anderson? Time for Mr. Randomly A Face! I mean, Anderson. His promos are bad enough already; he shouldn't be doing impressions, especially of ten-year-old characters. Anderson is starting to sound like Michael Scott – in the worst way possible. I mean, really, Anderson is doing the cough-talk thing, too? Please let this be Steve Carrell in make-up.

B – Booo! Re-match clauses are the single worst thing in wrestling history. I don’t remember when it began but I’m beyond sick of it. It’s not cute, it’s laborious and boring. It’s writing made easy for any writers who failed “writing made easy.” Can’t there be more organic, intelligent, logical ways to create these match-ups?

C - Why does the size of Hogan’s “pythons” change every week? One week they’re 24, then 22, and now 21. Either he’s shrinking like a grandpa or they have crappy tape measures. How can the measurement of a body part not always be consistent? It’s like when people say someone is “6’5” or 6’7” depending who you ask. What? Height is a definite quality! It doesn’t depend on who you ask!

D – Dumb. TNA is stuck in 1998 in the worst way. Notice the differing strategies of TNA and WWE’s current products: WWE’s top stories are built on meaningful matches and logical stories, TNA’s big stories are built on a “dominant heel faction” making all the rules and controlling everything. Hmm...which one was the uncompromised strategy of a now-defunct company? Evolve, TNA. There are other ways to do a main-event story.

E – Eh. Well, that made no sense. Why would TNA let a random, made up, former enemy team beat a real tag team, British Invasion? Despite Devon’s great work as of late, I much rather see BI vs. Mexican America. There will be two people too many wresting in t-shirts when this match goes down.

F – For real. Anybody else get the feeling the BFG Series will come down to Storm vs. Roode? It has a built-in story and TNA loves breaking up tag teams. I’m not going to be completely cynical, though, that would make a fantastic story and an incredible series of matches.

G - Grade D. I’m not sure what TNA was trying to accomplish this week. There was some wrestling, a lot of talking, and very little substantial hype for the upcoming PPV. They need a whole new attack plan. It was better than stapling your finger on accident, but not as good as hearing my mom try to say “Arnold Palmer.” She says “iron” as “urn,” so just imagine that awesomeness. Ah, Michigan accents.

H - TNA’s canned cheers are getting ridiculous. You can clearly see people in the background sitting down, checking their cell phones, and being generally disinterested. The best part is some audience members actually paid to be there unlike usual TNA shows! That’s a new level of bad when paying customers don’t care.

I - Very subtle advertising guys. Having Eddie Alvarez mention his fight, not once, not twice, but three times, complete with clips? I could hardly tell TNA was trying to advertise something! Bang up job, guys. Also, anyone notice how this was coincidentally advertised during the TV Title match? That’s synergy.

J – Just...incredible. RVD just got here, he was busy buying sunglasses at Kmart. His glasses were absurd. Those had to have cost, what, $5 tops? It makes him look like a lost beat poet. I have no doubt RVD thought they looked super sweet.

K – Karen. I don’t know why, but I especially enjoyed Karen Jarrett’s takedown of the Knockouts. I know it goes against my better intuition, but that was freaking hilarious. She’s gone from being a Popsicle stick on the mic to being almost as good as her husband. I’m enjoying this very much. And, by the way, who brings a dog to a wrestling show? I completely agree.

L – Lost his mind. There goes crazy Sting, chatting it up with fans and doling out high-fives. That guy is a few crayons short of a 12 pack – everyone knows high-fives are for awkward, aging white guys! (Seriously, watch a show like “American Pickers” on the History Channel. It’s like watching Nolan Ryan throw a fastball. They even do the awkward hand clutching version of the high-five!)

M – Main-event of the middle? I love how the “main-event of the evening” is in the middle of the show. I don’t think that’s how it works...why don’t they just say what it is? “The middle of the show ratings grasp of the evening!”

N - Not good. Angle vs. Anderson seemed to follow the same format as Angle’s match versus Sting – which isn’t good. I felt like this match was way too rushed. There was no build, no suspense – it went straight to signature moves and finish escapes. Sorry, that’s not my style. Angle can do much better. By the way, if Sting didn’t want Angle winning because Anderson was distracted, why was he okay with Anderson winning when Angle is distracted? That’s beyond moronic. And who can forget the typical TNA interference finish? Wrestling Matters, huh? I’m sorry but that is the stupidest marketing pitch I’ve ever heard. Do you know what I just watched? Wrestling doesn’t matter.

O – Only one thing: I never understood why having something spit on you would cause you to lose a match. Wipe it off? Swing wildly? Why would having stuff in your face keep you down for three seconds? Unless it’s acid, get up and stop being dramatic.

P – Pretty funny. Taz’s idea of a GQ cover person is very skewed. Aries had a jacket over a t-shirt, TNA, not a $1,000 suit. Something tells me Taz is the kind of guy that would wear pajamas to a wedding. I’d hate to see what he calls casual – I’m betting it includes a Hawaiian shirt and something camouflage.

Q - Quotes.

Tenay: “Next week is Sting vs. Ric Flair, top that!” I hope that was sarcasm. Give me two pieces of Styrofoam, a magic marker, and some beef jerky and I’ll top it. The jerky is in case I get hungry...weirdo.

Karen Jarrett (to Velvet Sky): “Lay off the cupcakes!” I love Karen.

R – Really nice. The Aries-Kendrick bit was nice. It was effective in showing the difference between their characters, and Aries had hilarious responses. Plus, Kendrick’s “normal guy” voice was very entertaining; it reminded me of the episode of Spongebob Squarepants when he became “normal”...so that was good.

S – Seriously, why are Hogan and Bischoff so upset about the triple-threat match? They’ll just have all their guys run in again and get DQ’d and boom, title retained. Or, if there’s No DQ, they’ll just beat everyone up who they don’t like. You know that’s how it’s going to happen. Don’t order the PPV; just read this letter over and over again until you no longer desire to do so.

T – Touchdown! Wait...wrong thing. Anyways, the Four Corners match was average. I get that it was supposed to play up Gunner not necessarily being in league with Bully, but who didn’t think that was going to happen? There’s a reason this was a tag match. They obviously wanted to play up dissension. Just a little too obvious for me, but smart, I guess.

U – Ugh, mistake number one Mr. Hardy: white pants. Really? With a white shirt? He might as well have worn a camouflage and Hawaiian shirt ensemble.

V – Very interesting. So...they’re admitting that a main-event on a PPV featured an inebriated wrestler? Nice. I guess there’s something to be said for transparency, but that it doesn’t exactly put a lot of faith into the product. If they put a high athlete out there once, what’s going to stop them from doing it again? TNA needs testing and rules.

W – Well, you seem like a nice fellow, Jeff, but I don’t know if I have a shot left to give you. One too many times you’ve failed us. Everyone deserves second chances, but third and fourth chances? Just retire and enjoy your life. You claimed in court that your profession is what drove you to it, so stop doing it. You can’t ask for sympathy because your job put you in so much pain and then go right back to it asking for another chance. Let it go, Jeff. It’s for the best.

X - Xylophone.

Y – You know you watch too much Impact when: Your damn DVR doesn’t record it because it’s set to record “TNA Wrestling,” not iMPACT Wrestling.

Z – Zero: The number of socks Brian Kendrick was wearing. Eww. Those shoes have to smell terrible. The number of people who can believe this was the same crowd as last week. They were dead. And, finally, the shape of my face when people tell me they are ordering “No Surrender.” At least, that’s what it would be, if I knew anyone who was ordering it.

As always, you can contact me via email at c_cress08@yahoo.com or tweet/follow me at @CharlesCress. Be sure to check out my blog The Midnight Snack at themidnightsnack.net. Just added an awesome list of the best TV show finales. And finally, get your parents to say “Arnold Palmer.” It’s funny.

[Torch art credit Grant Gould (c) PWTorch.com]

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