Alphabet Soup - TNA Impact 6/2
By Charles Cress, PWTorch specialist

A - Awww yeeaahhh! No dumb title this week! Wait...what am I going to make fun of now? Oh, silly me, I know: Bischoff being filmed coincidentally when he was served with papers. I guess viewers should just assume they film all the major arrivals, though that begs the question of why they waste that much tape on Eric Bischoff’s ever-tightening t-shirt collection. He has more tight black shirts than Ricky Gervais.

B - Because. ODB, your logic eludes me. You’re mad, so you’re going to show your rival’s bottom to the camera (ratings!) and smack it. I think your anger is a tad bit misplaced.

C - Could they do that in mud next? No one cares about the story, or why Velvet and ODB are fighting; TNA seems to think people just want to cheer “chicks rasslin.” ODB got as many pops as Velvet. I guess when pretty girls fight, there are no heels. That’s partly TNA’s fault, though. Did she have to attack Velvet while she was doing a bikini photo shoot? Nope. Not at all. But, then how would she get stripped down? Gotta make sure that happens. That’s just TNA basically admitting that their female wrestlers are eye-candy only.

D - Dumb. One more thing about the Knockout fight/softcore film: why was Velvet embarrassed about being stripped down to a bikini? That’s the most clothing she’s had in a ring since I’ve been watching TNA.

E - Even the promos have promos! What is this, Impact Talking on Spike TV?

F - Fatigue. Impact throws out so much information at one time, it’s disorienting. It’s truly just throwing stuff out and seeing what sticks. The local window-washing and low-budget phone “chat line” commercials are a welcome relief.

G - Grade C-. I’m not even sure how to rate this episode. Like I said, I’m actually fatigued from being bombarded with stimuli for two hours. I guess I was entertained...I think. It was the television equivalent of pop-up ads. Impact was better than eating lotion (I did this once on a dare; my lips were numb for two hours but other than that it wasn’t bad), but not as good as making fun of David Blaine. Yeah, I went from ingesting lotion to a street magician. I’m that good.

H - How is that possible? Seriously, what network is this on, Deus Ex Machina TV? Every time there’s a loose end, poof! Network did it. It’s similar to the famous Simpson's quote, “A wizard did it.”

I - I know you’re trying to look scary and everything, Angelina. You are a centuries-year-old Queen...or something, but sparkly pink lipstick? Really? That doesn’t say “evil,” that says “excited to shop for clothes."

J - Just watching the reaction of the women in the front row during Ms. Tessmacher’s entrance is all the entertainment I need. It’s the look of pure disgust. I would go on an additional rant here about Taz’s comments about how hot the match is completely negates their wrestling skills, but Ms. Tessmacher is beyond that.

K - Kind of stupid. I wouldn’t be in an Impact Wrestling crowd if they paid me. The crowd was clearly both confused and bored during Anderson’s segment (among others). I can only imagine the number of text messages emanating from the Impact Zone. I counted at least four people texting that I could see.

L - Let’s piggyback off my last point for this one. The problem with TNA is they aren’t accessible to new viewers. Unless you’re a hardcore wrestling fan (which maybe 35 percent of the Impact Zone is), you have no idea who The Great Muta is or why this is funny (or not). They don’t even try to explain it to the live crowd. The backstage bit did very little to help either. Like I said before, they just throw so many things at viewers that it's impossible to process anything.

M - My gosh, did I hear them slip in a 10-minute time limit mention during the X Division match? So...draw, right? ... Right?

N - No applause necessary. Oh, well, if you insist. Predicting a draw wasn’t too hard. At least they didn’t do the super-lame “One minute remains!” bit. The worst part was the end, though. None of Abyss's involvement warranted a DQ? There isn't even an announced result? I do want to add that I thought it was a very good TV match. But, why the “fade to black” end?

O - Oh my. You guys are making this easy. Tenay says he’s been wondering when TNA would make a fantasy game. Really? Who watches wrestling and wishes they could play a fantasy game based on it? “Gee, if only I could have Scott Steiner or Abyss on some sort of fantasy team so I could get points whenever they interfere in a match.” Yes, you really do get points for that, which makes Gunner and Murphy the obvious number one and two picks.

P - Penis. The penis size argument between Bully Ray and A.J. was pretty much a microcosm of Impact Wrestling: saying and doing things because they can, not because they should. I mean, what a great idea, let’s boil down a well-done, months-long feud into a penis joke.

Q - Quotes.

ODB (to Velvet): “...On your back all the time, giving him chubbies!” I don’t know where to begin here. Never in my career did I imagine writing the word “chubbies.” Just...just brilliant.

Mr. Anderson: “Ladies and Germs...” Who says that? Hey grandpa, get out of the ring!

R - Really? The girl in the front row seemingly has a sign for every wrestler! “I (heart) Kendrick,” “I (heart) Morgan,” “I (heart) Kaz”...apparently, she also (hearts) hearts.

S - So, I don’t know about you, but I love when they cut from a wrestling match to show guys looking at an envelope.

T - To the corner with you! Wrestling matters. They put it everywhere. It’s on t-shirts, it’s on beer-cozies, hell, it’s in the set! But, if it matters so much, why are they sticking it in a small box in the corner of my screen? I...

U - Understand that just because they say “Wrestling Matters” doesn’t mean their won’t be backstage bits happening, but during a wrestling match? You know, the thing that matters?

V - Very savvy. I do like the way TNA portrays injuries. They always do it very realistically. It’s not just the usual stretchers and agents, it’s phone calls and worried people. I suppose being good at fake injuries is akin to being good at using the “shift” key, but still. They’re number one in something! Right?

W - Well, Foley is fired. Or is he? Again, another authority figure hits the bricks. TNA has had more authority figures than an at-risk teen. Boom, dark humor. Deal with it.

X - Xylophone.

Y - You know you watch too much Impact Wrestling when: your favorite wrestlers are...well you don’t have any because every week different guys wrestle. You remember something about a guy inexplicably called Suicide and some overweight, old WWE wrestler (odds are you remember many of these guys). In fact, your favorite wrestler is probably Eric Bischoff. He gets the most camera time.

Z - Zero: the number of wins TNA still has in my “DVR Battle Royal.” What’s that you say? Community and The Office ended their seasons weeks ago? Good thing I recorded an episode of “Martin.” The number of cell phones I have, which amazingly didn’t stop me from texting during the promos. And, finally, the percentage of people who don’t laugh when Bully Ray says “Tommy Dreamer.” It sounds like “Tummy Dream-mah,” which is a pretty cool wrestling name.

As always, you can reach me at c_cress08@yahoo.com. I am currently accepting bribes (payable in the form of home-made macaroni necklaces) for my support in you being named King of the Waffle People. Also, I am accepting syrup and forks...not to eat the Waffle People...I’m allowed to have a plate in my hand! I thought this was America! Anyways...they’re for - oh look! Elvis!

[Torch art credit Grant Gould (c) PWTorch.com]

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