Alphabet Soup - WWE Smackdown 5/27
By Charles Cress, PWTorch specialist

A - Ah, you’re Randy Orton. Thank you for clarifying that, Johnny Cash. Everyone knows your Santa Claus face Orton.

B - Booo! Again, it’s the same four guys starting the show. This was fresh three weeks ago, it was almost expired two weeks ago, it started molding last week, and it’s transformed into a four-foot-tall living organism this week. I call him Ol’ Drippy.

C - Come on Josh Mathews, what about that was exciting and unpredictable? It’s back to basic WWE logic of “if we tell them it’s something, they’ll believe us.” No, we won’t. Anyone who didn’t hear that triple-threat coming wasn’t watching. Marlene Matlin could hear that coming.

D - Dumb. Sin Cara’s finish looked dangerous. He wasn’t aware of where he was in the ring and almost fell into the ropes. Why can’t you just do a DDT or something?! He doesn't have to do a “spinning tilt-a-whirl 3/4 corkscrew flug-lug half-cab.” Keep it simple, man.

E - Either he’s a wanted or a zombie. The problem with Sin Cara is the audience doesn’t know who he is. He doesn’t cut promos, he doesn’t interact with the crowd. How is he likable? Mood lighting and trampolines aren’t a substitute for character. Ask someone why they like Sin Cara, “Because he does cool flips and stuff.” Just watch Ninja Warrior or YouTube “backflip” if you want to watch that. Wrestling is so much more and I’m not seeing it from trampoline boy.

F - For real, I believe Booker when he says Sin Cara was a fan of his. I mean, growing up in Mexico, I’m sure he related a lot to Harlem Heat.

G - Grade C-. To be honest, I actually like Impact more than Smackdown this week. Smackdown was boring, repetitive, and anti-climatic. It was better than calling the wrong person but being so embarrassed you pretend to know them (I have done this three times), but not as good as messing with telemarketers by pretending to be someone else.

H - How awesome is it that Cody’s assistants are called baggers? There’s so many ways I can go with this. I’m gonna take the high road though and say that these men should get very familiar with paper bags as they’ll be using them for a long time when this gimmick is over. See? I didn’t say anything about tea. Darn it!

I - I love this match. As anyone who has read one Smackdown column from me knows, I am obsessed with both Cody Rhodes and Daniel Bryan. I feel like they were having a Alphabet Soup appreciation match. This is my dream match. Towel me off. I’m sweating like an oil tycoon in Congress.

J - Just...incredible. Yes, I’m still going on about Bryan vs. Cody. It was awesome. I liked the clever sequence where Cody wouldn’t give his arms up for the surfboard. Such a small but great detail overall in the storytelling. Even more incredible is Daniel Bryan went over. If this becomes a recurring angle, I’ll give every episode of Smackdown an A+. Okay, maybe not, but I’ll be a lot nicer. I’m looking forward to the every-man stepping up and being the hero against the dastardly Cody Rhodes.

K - Kinda true. When Ezekiel Jackson flexes his shoulders, it looks like he has three heads.

L - Let’s be honest: I can never take Justin Gabriel seriously after his debut on NXT when he came down to the ring in angel wings. He looked like he came from a Victoria’s Secret photo shoot. Nope, can’t do it.

M - Man, Christian is a Canadian Kickball Champion, or CKC, which ranks up there with a college degree and softball player on the scale of relevance to a good wrestling career. Ever notice that when any wrestler has a college degree it’s immediately part of their character? They can’t just be a guy with a college degree, they gotta be the smart, cocky guy.

N - Nope, didn’t need to know Christian was last to hit puberty. Apparently no one told his chest that. He’s got a lion’s mane on that thing. It looks like someone glued a stray cat to him.

O - Oh my. I love Ranjin Singh’s '80s-style jackets. He should be Sin “popped collar and padded shoulders” Cara’s manager, though his mutton-chops say he’s more of a sleazy '70s tour manager. Eh, either way it’s awesome.

P - Perhaps “Monsters Brawl” was a bit presumptuous. Maybe “Ambien Afterthought” would be a better name.

Q - Quotes.

Booker: “That smile tells a story if you understand what I’m saying.” No, Book, for the thousandth time, I don’t understand what you are saying.

Mark Henry: “Your buddy Edge is on a retirement golf course.” Aren’t all golf courses by default, retirement courses? Are there retirement-only courses?

R - Random. Why is Tamina randomly a heel, or at least teaming with a heel? Even more important, why is A.J. so hyper? Calm down, it’s just a Divas match. Also, nice trailer park ensemble, Kaitlyn.

S - Savage. Like I said in the Raw column, they did a great job on the Macho Man tribute video. Apparently all the good Fray songs were being used by hacky TV shows to convey sadness so they had to go with Coldplay. Nothing’s wrong with Coldplay (in this context anyway), but the Fray definitely have the market cornered on sad, video montage songs.

T - Too funny. So Sheamus’s character was an outcast who kept to himself at home? Looking at his skin I would have never guessed that! Are you sure he wasn’t a surfer?

U - Uh-huh. The idea that they invited the president’s Cabinet, Senators, the Redskins, and the Nationals is hilarious. I’m sure that’ll help Senators with their constituents:

“What have you been doing to curb unemployment rates?”

“Well, I attended WWE’s 'Capitol Punishment' and boy, it was a hoot! This Viper guy-

“-You did what?”

“Well, I was invited and they had an oh so funny Obama caricature. See, his features were exaggerated! Oh my...you should have been there.”

V - Very savvy. The World Title match is on Smackdown next week. Hmm...I’m expecting something interesting to happen next week. I like them presenting Orton as a fighting champ of sorts.

W - Well, maybe a Christian heel turn next week? Smackdown is low on top faces, though, and high on mid-to-top level heels. Christian should stay a face, though, it feels like WWE is itching to turn him.

X - Xylophone.

Y - You know you watch too much Smackdown when: you start to wonder how it’s possible to close caption this show. How would they transcribe all of Booker’s rambling? I swear I heard him say something about a neckbone.

Z - Zero: The number of people who couldn’t wait to see Smackdown. The enjoyment I get out of writing the too long name, Smackdown. And, finally, the number of times I’ll have to hear “In it to win it!” from Randy Jackson until January. Worst. Catchphrase. Ever.

You can reach me at c_cress08@yahoo.com or at my imaginary Twitter account @Captainhappymonkeystrawberrysurprisebiscuit. I should so register that before it’s gone. It’s on my “to-do” list next to “write Burger King an angry email outlining how they are not, in fact, the burger kings” and “learn how to say ‘Star Wars is awesome’ in Klingon while looking up ‘irony’ in the dictionary.”

[Torch art credit Grant Gould (c) PWTorch.com]

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