Alphabet Soup - WWE Smackdown 5/20
By Charles Cress, PWTorch specialist

A - Ah, Mark Henry will take on Randy Orton tonight. Let me repeat. Ah, Mark Henry will take on Randy Orton tonight.

B - But, it does matter. Sheamus vs. Christian was a good match with ample time. This is the company where wrestling doesn’t matter? This match was longer than everything on TNA but the promos. The only problem here was it was more rehash. It doesn’t feel as fresh as it should be because of last week.

C - Cool. I like the new presentation style. The emphasis on replays is a nice blast from the past. The little interview-in-a-box as I call them, was good, too. Wrestling needs more of that before seemingly inconsequential matches. They can create a much-needed story between randomly paired-up opponents.

D - Does anyone else think it’s weird Smackdown’s top two heels are Mark Henry and Sheamus? Yeah...so, what’s FCW got? Is Nash busy? Where can I buy some gear? Can we just declare Luke the winner of Tough Enough already and let him be a d-bag heel? Can I stop asking rhetorical questions? No?

E - Either him or Keanu. The Bellas are to charisma what Nicolas Cage is to life. No explanation necessary..

F - Fact: Wait, wait, WWE didn’t have a new one this week. Are they ever going to deliver new WWE facts? I want to hear about random milestones and made-up statistics on being #1. Like, “Did you know WWE is the most-watched show featuring men in tights and championship belts?” I think they are scared of how bad I take them down. WWE fears Alphabet Soup! And basic logic! And Middle School math!

G - Grade C-. SD just felt “blah” to me. Just get the PPV over with so they can actually develop some new stories. I grow weary. It was better than buying stickers on eBay (you have to pay $5 dollars to ship $1 worth of stickers? And no, I don’t by stickers. This is a judgement-free zone!) but not as good as taking a nap on the show-furniture at the grocery store. That $300 couch is legally mine the amount of times I’ve slept on it. And I only got hassled by employees five or so times!

H - How about Walmart? WWE needs to find a new top sponsor. Have you ever been to Kmart? There’s more garbage at Kmart than a landfill. They have that smell of wasted dreams and despair with a slight hint of cat poo. Want to find a candy bar that hasn’t been made since 1978? Don’t fret, Kmart just put them out as fresh stock! Looking for the best banned lead paints and recalled toys? Look no further than Kmart!

I - I love how Natalya made Brie Bella look so terrible. See kids, that’s what the difference between a pretty face and an athlete is! She’s so above the other Divas, it’s embarrassing.

J - Just...brilliant. The "critic quotes" from the commercial for “That’s What I Am” are hilarious. “Entertaining?” Yo-yo’s are entertaining but I wouldn’t pay $20 to use one once. I can just imagine the reviewer:

Guy: “So, what did you think?”

Reviewer: “Meh. It was entertaining, I guess. I don’t know. It was a movie. I didn’t fall asleep. Eh.”

Any time a movie has vague quotes like “captivating,” “entertaining,” or “uplifting,” it’s terrible. Also, I think the person who was quoted as saying, “It’s the best move of the year so far,” didn’t have his or her quote printed fully. I believe it was more like this, “It’s the best movie of the year so far, ‘cause it's February. Seriously, all the better movies come out this summer. Ask me in July. I won’t even remember this movie.”

K - Kinda awesome. Glad Zeke’s “Domination” song is back. It fits him perfectly. Plus, I always imagine it’s him singing it. It makes me laugh for some reason.

L - Let’s pretend Zeke never spoke. Ezekiel Jackson (ooo you’re in trou-ble! He used your full na-ame) is to charisma what the Bellas are to charisma - which if you are scoring at home, makes in Nicolas Cage somehow.

M - My last comment on Zeke, because it’s starting to feel weird dedicating three letters to him. Zeke said he won’t rest or sleep until Corre is gone. Will he use the restroom? Will he grocery shop? Will he draw pictures of turtles? Will he read the community life section of his local newspaper? I demand more sacrifices!

N - Nice ring gear, Heath. Someone’s grandmother has been working hard!

Heath: “...and I want cool flames and stuff!”

Grandmammy Slater: “Is this for Halloween?”

Heath: “Noooo, it’s for me and my friends’s cool group-“

Grandmammy Slater: “My friends and I, Heath. Not ‘my friends and me.’”

Heath: “Whatever! I don’t have to speak right. I’m in Corre. We dominate Smackdown!”

Grandmammy Slater: “Whatever you say. By the way, you spelled Core wrong on your shirt, sweetheart. Now go watch cartoons. Grandmammy is busy.”

O - Oh, how I wish I was joking. When they came back from break with Heath Slater standing with his back to the camera, I honestly thought Heath was a Diva.

P - PPV. The addition of Chavo and Sin Cara to whatever dumb verb or phrase WWE is naming events these days is great. I like them actually presenting good, non-title, mid-card matches. Zeke and Barrett, although for the IC Title, is a good example, too.

Q - Quotes.

Booker (after Cole referenced Natalya using a move similar to her father): “What do you mean?” No, Book, what do you mean? Does he even pay attention? Is he just watching clips of cats playing pianos on YouTube during matches?

Cody Rhodes (speaking of his “Cody bags”): “As a service to you and a great expense to me, I’m providing you with these paper bags.” Great expense? How much did you pay for paper bags? They’re like a dollar. Is the expensive part paying the poor, depressed, manic guy who has to cut the holes? Don’t give him life insurance...

R - Really good idea. Ted DiBiase does an awesome Spanish accent. So here’s my pitch for a movie: Ted plays an at-risk, second-generation Mexican-American from Arizona. He’s bullied for being part Mexican and also bullied by Latinos for having an American mom. After getting beat up one night, he comes across some border patrol agents. They treat him with respect and kindness. He is welcomed for the first time. He joins and helps them keep Mexicans out of America until one night where he meets a older woman with a young boy who was fathered by an American. The young boy reminds him of himself and decides to help her sneak in. The last 30 minutes are all explosions and somewhere along the way he gets a machine gun. It’s called “Breaking Borders.” That or just put him under a mask, give him a good tan, and say he’s the newest Mexican Superstar, Mucho Dinero. He’d probably get a way better push.

S - Story. I love the story of Cody being a mentor to Ted. This is something I mentioned last week and I’m so happy it happened. Maybe Ted can finally develop a three-dimensional character, or at least a Superhero to Cody’s Super-villain. The best heroes always have an important connection to their villains.

T - Too bad Jinder didn’t speak a language I understand. I’m sure it was a great promo. Or not. I don’t know. Can we even confirm Jinder is speaking a real language? Khali’s dialect is half-Cookie Monster and half-Mush Mouth from Fat Albert.

U - Ugh, this match is bor-ring. Orton is bad enough with his plodding pace, but working with Henry is like torture.

V - Very weird. What’s up with Orton’s celebrating after RKO'ing Henry? Since when does a man named “The Viper” do a cheer jump and a Tiger Woods fist pump like he sunk the 18th hole at Augusta?

W - Well, I’m out of stuff to rant about. Please enjoy the following xylophone as my gift to you.

X - Xylophone.

Y - You know you watch too much Smackdown when: after every match you expected them to introduce Ricardo Rodriguez, Alberto Del Rio’s personal announcer.

Z - Zero: the odds the world will end today (this was written on Saturday). The chance I will order Over the Limit, or whatever it’s called. I almost budged, but nope, not gonna happen. And, finally, the percentage I will ever forget “Macho Man” Randy Savage. R.I.P., Mach’

You can reach me at c_cress08@yahoo.com. In the event an apocalypse happens and you find yourself still wanting to comment about a humorous wrestling column, hike to Michigan and ask around for The Man with Laughing Eyes - that’ll be my name to the locals. You must have the password to enter my fortress. The password is password.

[Torch art credit Grant Gould (c) PWTorch.com]

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