Alphabet Soup - TNA Impact 5/19
By Charles Cress, PWTorch specialist

If this column were being re-branded, it would be called "Soup Writing on PWTorch" and people would hate it. Writing matters now!

A - And the terrible titles continue. This week’s episode: “Back from the Dead.” What exactly does that mean? Wrestling? Was it ever dead? Is there going to be a zombie street fight? Will shotguns be legal in said fight?

B - Bully Jim. Why is Bully Ray mugging so much for the camera? Did he watch "The Office" before TNA, too? Also, if he’s Jim, who is Dwight? Bischoff? Mustard yellow would be darling on him.

C - Cool set. It looks like TNA Smackdown. Even the logo is derivative. My favorite part of the new set is the branding. What didn’t they print “Impact Wrestling” on is the question. Even the hot dogs were stamped.

D - Do you need crappy t-shirts? What are they going to do with all the old TNA shirts the jobbers wore? Maybe they can have an arts and crafts day - not to coincide with Taco Tuesday of course or Fried Bologna Fridays. Apparently, TNA doesn’t know what to do with the shirts either. Tonight is bring your own shirt night. There were wrestling school shirts, Ed Hardy rip-off shirts, and whatever Kendrick was wearing. I think I had that shirt in sixth grade.

E - Eh. Nice try guys, but “Im-pact! Im-pact!” sounds dumb. Anyone not in the know would think they were just chanting random nouns. “Tr-uck! Base-ball! Pen-cil!”

F - For real, that brawl was an unorganized mess. This is fighting, not wrestling. It went on for what, 20 minutes too long? What’s that you say? It was only 17 minutes? Exactly.

G - Grade C. You got the feeling TNA was really trying, but just couldn’t do it. It’s like when a kid says he’s going to hit 50 home runs in his Little League this year, though he can barely hit the ball past second base. It’s cute, but that’s not how it works. Saying “Wrestling Matters” and making it so are two different things. It was better than Red Pop (I hate that stuff; it tastes like medicine) but not as good as M*A*S*H* episodes with an old buddy of the Colonel who you know is racist/sexist/evil/kills his own men/hates Hawkeye.

H - Ha, nice Pope Hat, Madison. Is that a thing now? Pope hats? Please don’t be.

I - I think the blue flames on screen are hilarious. It looks like they are flame-broiling the wrestlers. I want some Burger King...

J - Joe’s gonna...do something that doesn’t make sense. Why would Samoa Joe do Eric Bischoff’s bidding? This doesn’t make sense. Why would he help destroy the X Division that he competed in for so long? By the way, amazing sell on that Muscle Buster by Amazing Red.

K - Kinda nasty. Dreamer looks like a sleazy boy band manager in that suit. “All right, kids, now we’re gonna go do shirtless pictures in my basement! Then we gotta do the MTV thing, but now, picture time! Also, don’t do your homework and try smoking, it takes the nerves away.”

L - Let me follow that up by saying I like the Dreamer angle a lot. It’s not gimmicky, it’s just well-written and well acted. But, ultimately, it's Tommy Dreamer. I...I need to be alone.

M - Man, what a great question. How can there be two Stings? I mean, how many times has that ever happened? Actually, I’m surprised when there’s any less than three Stings on a given show.

N - Nope. Not paying for yet another Angle-Jarrett match. How dumb do they think fans are? Do they really think people are going to pay to watch the same thing four times? Heck, I only watched it once and that was enough.

O - Oh, I see. Now the Angle feud is about who’s better. Now that it’s about wrestling, it’s not about Jarrett stealing Angle’s family? Nice way to cover yourself, Impact Wrestling.

P - Please, pay him more. How busy was the sound guy in the Angle segment? He played like four different songs.

Q - Quotes.

Kendrick (replying after Bischoff called his friends “vanilla bitches”): “That sounds delicious, but what about me?” I don’t know whether to hug him or laugh at him.

R - Really? Why did Jarrett call Bischoff on the phone if they are in the same building? He’s an athlete! He can’t be burdened by walking down the hall?

S - So, I got some great jokes from the Generation Me match. Here we go:

Wrestling matters, huh? Oh, so that’s why the top authority figure is in a karate gi. ... If I didn’t know better, I’d say the skinny black-haired kid was Matt Hardy. ... This match had more mutton-chops than Elvis’s entourage. ... Man, that X Division is on the rise. They’ve won what, zero matches?

Thank you. We now return you to your regularly scheduled comic book and Simpson’s references in a sarcastic voice.

T - Totally right this time! Usually, I’m wrong when I get Lesbian vibes from promos, but this time I was right! Ms. Marvel kissed Zombie Girl! I mean Winter kissed Angelina. I love that they are still going with this on the new Impact Wrestling. This is the perfect chance to drop anything you aren’t happy with and sweep it under the rug as rebooting. The Bucks are best brothers after all. So, why keep the time traveling zombie love storyline? Also, isn’t that technically rape?

U - Uh, what’s with the editorial introductions? “At a disadvantage, a Knockout favorite, Velvet Sky!” That’s kinda messed up. What’s next? “Introducing, a fat guy who always eats my lunch from the mini-fridge though I clearly label it, Bully Ray!” “Introducing, a guy with a lot of tattoos that I think are icky, Crimson!”

V - Velvet won and quickly exited. She looked happy. Too bad HER FRIEND IS STILL A ZOMBIE. What is she doing about it? Nothing! It’s almost like she accepted it. Don’t wrestle her, kidnap her back and get her off the meds.

W - Wow, Anderson creepily looks just like Sting. How much do you want to be that was his Halloween costume?

X - Xylophone.

Y - You know you watch too much Impact Wrestling when: you’re all like, what’s TNA? This is so much better. Wrestling matters, guys. You can tell because they wrote it on stuff and asked people who got free tickets. Ask me if I like competitive dog breeding if I get in free. I l-o-v-e it. Dog breeding for life! It runs in my veins!

Z - Zero: the chance I will ever like Impact Wrestling because of the condescending radio commercials I’ve been hearing. “If I wanted entertainment, I’d rent a movie.” So, we’re not supposed to be entertained by wrestling? The odds after the opening video that I could look at this with fresh eyes. I really tried to view Impact Wrestling on its own merits but it’s sooo hard. And, finally, the odds I will like the new boss on The Office. Unless it’s Andy, I’m out. His bright pants are awesome. I had red pants once but people mocked them endlessly...I’m happy. People like me. I like me. I don’t need them!

You can contact me at c_cress08@yahoo.com Also, you can contact reach me in a box, or with a fox, in a train, or on a plane, but I will not eat green eggs and ham, Sam I am. What’s wrong with you? Why would you want someone to eat green eggs? You’re a sick person.

[Torch art credit Grant Gould (c) PWTorch.com]

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