Alphabet Soup - WWE Smackdown 3/25
By Charles Cress, PWTorch specialist

A - A-Level? Edge-Del Rio is more like a B-level PPV main event than a Mania feud. I feel a little cheated by this year's Mania. It doesn’t look nearly as good as last year, though, they always seem to deliver somehow. I hope this is one of the surprise great matches.

B - But. Usually, "WrestleMania Rewind" matches are a shallow attempt to fill space on the card and hold the status quo before Mania. BUT, Rey vs. Punk was an exception on Smackdown. Individually, my views on each are polar opposites: I can’t stand Rey’s hyper-choreographed offense and I strongly like C.M. Punk’s gritty realism. I’m kind of worried that I’ve been praising Rey so much lately, though I guess I’ve been praising his adversaries (Cody Rhodes and now Punk) more than I’m praising him.

C - Cody. Here comes the awesome train! Choo Choo! Okay, I promise never to say that again. I think it's great how he acts like a monster or some kind of mutant. By the way, Cody is a huge comic book fan. So he has to love playing a scarred super-villain. I can’t get enough of this feud, though I’m definitely ready for the climax. When are they getting to the fireworks factory?!

D - Duh. I really enjoyed the relatively short Edge-Drew McIntyre match. I liked the injury story and Edge adapting to use his submission finish, which is something Cole sold really well on commentary. I liked everything until Edge just decided he didn’t care and executed a pain-free spear on Drew. What happened to the arm, amigo?!

E - Either that’s Rosa Mendes or Tara from TNA. Why did Rosa change her look so dramatically? I hardly recognize her. Can she get a promo? What’s her character? Oh wait, they don’t have characters, unless you count hair color. The only Divas that do have a character are the two Divas who won the little squash match (Lay-Cool). The entire division is being fed to the two headed Lay-Cool monster. Not that it’s a bad thing since they are the most fully-formed characters in the division. It's just not a good sign when there are two - count 'em - two on the entire roster.

F - Fact: Smackdown has been the highest rated show on Syfy 25 weeks in a row! What they didn’t tell you: #2 & 3 are about ghosts and Merlin, respectively. So...take that with a grain of salt.

G - Grade C-. The wrestling was good. The entertainment was not. Seriously, I thought my face was going to melt “Indiana Jones” style watching this. It was better than a cool scientific calculator, but not as good as a Dilbert comic strip. So...there’s that.

H - How did Wade Barrett get a title shot? What did he do? To this day, he's had like five singles matches. And when was the last time he won a match?

I - I still like it, though. The back-and-forth between Barrett and Kofi was superb and both men sold well. Moving the IC Title to Wade is a good move. WWE doesn’t need another Sheamus or Swagger grabbing a belt on the way back from Mars.

J - Just wanted to point out how Del Rio says “the WrestleMania,” as if it’s an actual mania of wrestling. Like some kind of disease people get in Zombie movies.

Guy One: “Oh my god, he’s got...he’s got...”

Del Rio: “He has the wrestle mania. Quick, give me your gun.”

And you can see where it goes from there. By the way, don’t think I’m not saying all of this into a tape recorder right now. Hollywood would give me $40 million for this in a heartbeat.

K - Kind of sleepy...zzzz...huh, what? Taker promo? While serviceable, his promos just don’t do it for me anymore.

L - Let’s not be coy about it: the Taker-Hunter feud has as much steam as a cold tea kettle (burn!). No sympathy for the characters, no real reason to fight, and lowered expectations. At this point, it just sounds like they’re dancing around saying “We’re fighting just cuz.” Nor do I understand why Taker must tell Hunter in-person. Hunter has a TV. I’m pretty sure he heard Taker. Taker-Hunter: the most-redundant big-match feud in Mania history.

M - My my, Cole is quite the fire-starter. I’m not as mad as I should be because he spared the Divas this week. And he was actually pretty funny this week. His repeated “What’s up!” to R-Truth was great. So was his claim of training in a dojo.

N - Now, a transcript of Cole’s rap. Please, anyone pregnant, nursing, or with a heart condition move to the next letter.

“Hey, I’m R-Truth, I just tapped to Jack,
That’s the truth cause, I’m just wack.”

- MC Cole-Miner, from the album “Mining for the Truth.”

O - Oh, they’re wrestling again? Why are Christian and Del Rio wrestling in the main event again? It's just becoming a joke every week to say, “I can’t wait to see this.” You did see it - last week. Hopefully when the WrestleMania is done, there will be some break from the monotony.

P - Possible push? Is Christian in-line for a push? I always hear he’ll never main-event in WWE, but beating Del Rio twice is a big deal. I’m still not holding my breath for it. I held my breath once for a Kaval push and I turned blue. On the plus side, I could finally go to the Smurf village without fear of persecution.

Q - Quotes.

Cole (after R-Truth correctly identified the city in his opening): “He got it right for a change!”

Cole: “Edge is a liar!” It was so great being completely unprovoked mud-slinging. Thank you, Cole.

R - Really wondering where the spectacle went. Overall, Raw has had a fabulous Mania build-up compared to Smackdown, with buses and orange short people (Oompa Loompa’s if you will), and “surprise” appearances. Here on Smackdown, there have been some okay, longer-style matches, but nothing really incredible. This is and will always be the Achilles heel of Smackdown: if you expect something cool to happen, curb you expectations. I’m never shy about getting up to get something to drink during a Friday night show.

S - Super main-event. Well, I look dumb. Christian-Del Rio was great. Easily the best Smackdown main event in months. It was sort of a fun mix of styles, with the more realistic Canadian style vs. the usually hyper-crazy Lucha style. Also, I have to say, I...

T - Think it’s under-stated how well Del Rio executes his offense. Not only is it realistic, but it’s brutal. Now I’m more excited about seeing him vs. Edge to see if the Canadian/Lucha styles can make sweet love again.

U - Ultimate surprise. Christian beats Del Rio again?! I’m flabbergasted. I know I am because I’ve never had the urge to use that word. It has to be a build-up. For what, I don’t know. Still, I get a feeling Christian turning heel is coming.

V - Very hard. I’ll be honest, it’s hard to find things that are funny on such a conservative, straight-laced show in comparison to Raw. Of course, compared to all other television, Smackdown is like a circus. It’s like trying to poke holes in a JFK speech.

W - Why does Booker still try to do this announcing gig seriously? At this point, he seems pretty self-aware of how awful he is. Make it a gimmick. Mike Adamle was mildly entertaining with his “Jeff Harveys” and what not. Why can’t Booker just be an extremely animated former wrestler who is not quite there? Now that I think about it, how do we know it’s not a character now? Yeah, blew your mind. Pow! Twilight Zone style.

X - Xylophone.

Y - Yawn...time for the zzz’s...I already used that joke didn’t I? It’s a glitch in the Matrix! Or laziness. My Snuggie and cup of soda are certainly not the mark of a lazy person. No, definitely a glitch in the Matrix.

Z - Zero: The number of people who could possibly mock Smackdown. The number of times Snooki was mentioned. The percentage of fans that understand why Triple H and Undertaker are fighting. And finally, the number of times I thought during Smackdown “whoever wrote this must be an exciting, live-in-the-moment individual.”

[Torch art credit Grant Gould (c) PWTorch.com]

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