Alphabet Soup - TNA Impact 3/24
By Charles Cress, PWTorch specialist

A - American Idol. Okay, I’m just going to say it: I love American Idol. And because of that, I saw Hulk Hogan’s surprise appearance and subsequent wasting of a good opportunity. They couldn’t sneak a TNA mention in there for him? Even on his t-shirt? He couldn’t have Ryan say “Hogan appears on TNA wrestling Thursday nights at 9:00, right after American Idol?" American Idol gets like 7,523,592 times more viewers than TNA. Nice job, Hogan! And also, James is so winning this season of Idol.

B - Boo. I don’t even have a funny quip ready; the opening video was just bad. That auto-tuned and chopped intro video was one of the worst ideas in TNA history. It’s not viral, it’s a virus. Here’s my weekly TNA tagline - "TNA: Re-living the '90s even if you don’t want to."

C - Come on. Mr. Anderson does a great Rock impression. No really. But, I can see the real deal on Monday and not have to watch TNA's terrible videos. Sooo...yeah. Stop it. Just stop. He’s not even subtle in the least bit. “Reefer Van Dam,” “Plowing someone?” If I say you’re cool and “with it,” will you stop? Because it’s really annoying. You might as well put a sign around your neck that says “18-34 demographic.” Anderson is not The Rock, and certainly not the “Stone Cold” style character they are trying to make him. How can his character be anti-authority when the boss is anti-authority? Maybe he’s anti-anti-authority. Yeah! What am I saying? That’s stupid.

D - Do they know what it means? They call Lethal Lockdown “the harbinger of hell.” However, I question if they know what “harbinger” means. Does the Lethal Lockdown signal the coming of hell? If so, why now? They have had more than one of these. Will it send people to hell? I doubt damnation awaits the roster based on the outcome of the matches. Maybe Michael Cole can donate his beloved thesaurus to them. It’s for a good cause. We should always give to the less fortunate.

E - Enter The Matrix. Apparently TNA characters have magic powers. They can transcend the television program they are appearing on and break the fourth wall. Which is stupid. When do sitcom characters wonder why they're contracted to a show or say The Network likes them? RVD’s “This is wrestling, when someone talks smack about someone, their music plays and they come out” killed the show. Ooo so meta!

F - For the love of Joel McHale don’t blink! Every time I blink, I miss a Knockouts match. That’s weird...Mickie vs. Tara is still on? And it’s good! Hell’s harbinger is real! The apocalypse is upon us! That, or these two Knockouts are just talented. Either one. Tara's Boston Crab facebuster thing from the top rope was sick. Too bad I can’t be happy for this one. The pre-match Charlie Sheen reference killed it. A week-and-a-half too late. Does anyone in TNA own a television? I feel like they get their pop-culture news second-hand a few weeks after it happens.

G - Grade D+. TNA delivered a very TNA show this week. I really thought TNA was building something with last week's show. This week was better than stubbing your toe, but not as good as fruit-scented markers. So...yeah. That’s what I got goin’ on.

H - Harbinger of the Green Hornet! Can someone get Okato/Okada’s name right? This is the most amateur thing I’ve ever seen. TNA has a nationally-broadcasted program and they don’t know the name of one of their performers. It’s like Rosie on the Jetsons saying “Jim Jetson? Georgie Jetson? I...I don’t know how to say it. Jimmy Jetson?” New tagline - "TNA: Harbinger of the epic fail."

I - I can’t believe I’m spending more than one letter on Okato/Okada/Pasta/Taco’s match, but here I go. First, can the man with no name put on some wrestling trunks? Nothing says professional like Dickies and a dollar store mask. Secondly, was this necessary? I don’t know anyone out there clamoring for this match. Thrice, why did the ref not even try to stop Pope from using his brass knucks? He watched it, then reacted. Great strategy.

J - Joke time! Here I will offer up multiple jokes about one subject rapid-fire from my head. Note: Any laughter experienced while reading Joke Time is purely coincidental. Here are my thoughts on what Matt Hardy looks like. Matt Hardy looks like a guy on the beach trying to sell you "product." Matt Hardy looks like a character from Bio-Dome. Matt Hardy looks like a bearded Rastafarian women. And, finally, Matt Hardy just needs beads in his hair and he can be on Cops. Thank you.

K - Killer strategy, TNA, showing two videos back-to-back. What better way to kill momentum than that? Brilliant.

L - Let’s just put it out in the open, mostly so I’ll look really smart when I’m right. Hogan’s going to turn soon. That is all. Please remember to shower me in gifts when I’m correct.

M - Matt’s promo was decent. However, again, TNA was too reliant on talking about backstage politics. I don’t care. The audience should be led to believe a wrestler's position is based on ability and wins. It destroys the illusion.

N - Nice to see Abyss is still alive and well. I mean, after all, he did get his spinal cord mashed after getting “Janice” in the back. Man, he looks pretty good for someone in the hospital so long. What’s that? Oh, see what I’m doing is holding TNA to their standard. If they insist on being “real,” then I’ll review it as if. It was also nice of the lighting guys to sense Abyss’s presence and turn on the red lights. TNA can’t have it both ways. If you want “real,” then don’t give me special lights for a surprise return.

O - Oh my. This new “Mexican America” group is pretty awesome. Is it just a re-hash of LAX? Sure. Was LAX awesome? Yes. So I don’t care. The whole angle is genius. It’s topical, current, and interesting. Though, I guess it says something that in the '80s and '90s, the xenophobic heel dejours were Middle Eastern with bombs and world domination on their mind. Now, they are from across the border threatening our jobs. The subsequent tag match was unfortunately terrible. Just way too much crammed in. More on the females later.

P - Price check. I picture Hernandez and the new guy whose name I refuse to attempt to type going to Kmart to buy Dickies for ring gear. Again, wrestling gear? He clearly just wrote on a pair of Dickies shorts. Here’s a great game to play: every time a wrestler comes out in non-wrestling attire, drink your drink of choice. I killed an Orange Crush two liter easy.

Q - Quotes.

Pope (in a recap of last week): “Put the mask back on!” Too funny, I had to mention it again.

Taz (during Knockouts match): “She likes big things, eh?” Ew. Spike turned into a porn channel so gradually I didn’t notice. That, by the way, is my first Simpson’s reference of the column. Man, I have to step it up.

Mr. Anderson: “The Wizard of Oz rung the bell!” No comment.

R - Really confused about the whole Winter/Angelina Love deal. Are they a cult? Is Winter using mystical mind control powers? She can walk to the ring blindfolded; I wouldn’t doubt it.

S - Steiner’s head thingy. Is he a crusader? A Knight of the Roundtable? I better not question it. He has the temper of a bumble bee. You know, Steiner and Crimson are a pretty good team. It at least gives them something to do.

T - Total class. Good job with the cursing, guys. Nothing says class like cursing. Stay classy, TNA!

U - Ugh, more videos. Gahh! The Captain America trailer in the break made it better...but still.

V - V for Vendetta. Decent main event match with Anderson and RVD. They sold their animosity well. I’m sure they are used to working each other, though, since it’s practically the main event of every Impact. Nice bump by Hebner, by the way. Did anyone doubt the ref was going down here?

W - Why didn’t Sting just count? I’m confused.

X - Xylophone.

Y - Yep, it’s “Z” time...

Z - Zero: The number of "high" jokes I held back while watching RVD “pretend” to be confused. Yeah buddy, you’ve never been confused before. The number of times I said “Good thing I’m DVR'ing The Office, because this is great!” And finally, the percentage of "American Idol" viewers who have heard of TNA. Hint hint Hogan!

[Torch art credit Grant Gould (c) PWTorch.com]

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