Alphabet Soup - WWE Raw 3/21
By Charles Cress, PWTorch specialist

A - And, that makes sense...why? Michael Cole as J.R.? Funny. Michael Cole carrying J.R.’s sauce to the ring, implying that he purchased the sauce of his rival? Stupid. It’s the little things that matter. Why not have him carry out a generic sauce bottle?

B - But, it’s not working. I give Triple H a lot of credit for trying so hard to sell his match against Undertaker, but I’m not buying. Winning does nothing for Triple H. He’s already a main event Superstar. Who’s that invisible person asking me a question? HBK didn’t need it either? No, no he didn’t. But, HBK’s story was a human story. He’s a far more sympathetic character than Hunter. People care about HBK, why would anyone care about a self-proclaimed “assassin”?

C - Crap to do. Beating The Undertaker just sounds like something on his “to-do” list. I imagine it says: “Laundry, pick up kids, approve 86 new t-shirt designs that are vaguely similar to Ed Hardy and Tap-ut shirts, end Streak, cook dinner...”

D - DiBiase is on the rise! Go Ted! Yeah, get him...oh...oww...never mind. Again, did Hunter need to destroy DiBiase? I just think Hunter being himself is enough of a threat to Taker. They might as well toe-tag Teddy, Jr.; he’s six feet under.

E - Eh. Bourne’s loss wasn’t good either. It feels like it's back to reality time for the younger guys: Bryan’s back to being the weird guy with the cereal bowl cut and Wade Barrett is back to being that one really tall guy who talks like a Guy Ritchie character. I guess Sheamus’s win made him look more legitimate...if beating a guy eight feet shorter than him means anything. Was this squash necessary to advance the story? All of Bourne’s great wins seem to be erased now. Move over Chavo, the fledgling Superstars show has a new main-eventer.

F - From Viper to diapers. Randy Orton has officially been defanged. WWE offered a glimpse of his pretty bus with his pretty family inside and how it made him oh so happy to have them accompany him. Man, that guy is tough. I bet he sings “Old McDonald” hardcore style. By the way, the bus was the most prominent example ever of introducing something just so it could be manipulated. It stuck out like Zack Ryder in a wrestling ring. Zing!

G - Grade C+. You have to take the bad and the good with shows in the “dead time” before a major PPV. It was better than a Dark Chocolate candy bar but not as good as sitting at home sick watching three volumes of “Spongebob Squarepants."

H - How long 'til WrestleMania? Ugh, two weeks? It can’t come soon enough. If I have to see Michael Cole - no matter how “heel” it is for his character - marginalize another match I’m going to...well I’ll do nothing, but I don’t like it! I'm glad Eve was booked to stand up for the division after her match vs. Maryse, but at the end, it doesn't help match. Why doesn't Cole do his act during a boring men’s match? The stigma is only on the Divas. No matter how it ends, I still think it hurts the Divas division. Failure is a stain you can’t wipe off.

I - I didn’t watch the Corre vs. Santino & Kozlov tag match. Well, not exclusively anyway. My attention was split between the match and something on my floor I couldn’t identify. It looked like a peanut, but you never know, and I surely wasn’t going to put it in my mouth to check. When’s the last time I had peanuts? Two weeks maybe? Why would it be there for two weeks without me noticing? Huh, what, we’re talking about the tag match? See how easy it is to be distracted during it. In fact, the alleged peanut only had half my attention, the rest of the time I was arguing with my girlfriend about which Diva would look better with Heath Slater’s hair. I settled on Maryse, but she countered with Layla. When I agreed she hit me. Like Maryse slapping poor Yoshi on NXT. Psshh, women. Am I right, guys? Eh?

J - Just came to say I’m sorry. Cena’s promo “via satellite” felt like a make-up promo. Like a five-minute apology from the writers for forgetting about The Miz in the Cena-Rock hype. By the way, no one thought that was his home right? More on this later.

K - Kinda cheap looking. That “Lawler Family Photo Album” looked pretty shady. What kind of photo album has Microsoft Word-created covers? It’s not an old ladies scrap book. Petty idiosyncrasies (thanks spell-check!) aside, it was a well-done segment. Just the right mix of awkward and insane to make it contentious and sad. My favorite part was Cole’s security doing nothing. Worst. Security. Ever...not counting TNA. We’re probably looking at the second best WrestleMania feud for this year's PPV next to the Cody/Rey angle.

L - Like clockwork. The other angles just seem so textbook, so basic. There is no personalization to them. It’s the difference between receiving a gold necklace - a great gift if not a very common one - and a gold necklace with a custom pendent and an inscription on the back. If I were giving out gold necklaces, how about not re-gifting the ones already giving out and go the extra mile?

M - Man, TNA must feel stupid since they got the wrong "Jersey Shore" cast members. The cast members they got: zero media coverage after TMZ grabbed hold of it. Snooki for WWE: she’s been covered like Charlie Sheen. By which I mean, everywhere.

N - Not much to say about the inter-gender match. I would like to see Dolph and Jo-Mo get a PPV-length match, maybe for a number one contenders spot, with no distractions and a green light. I guess the only thing I’d say is I question the practicality of Trish’s wrestling attire. Lay-Cool managed to look like they didn’t know they were wrestling, but were still prepared. So, why did Trish have on a hoodie and pants with a belt and rather fragile buckle?

O - Only better! Everyone in the Taker-Hunter video sold that feud better than they have since the initial stare down. All of the points that were played up in the video haven't been played up by the actual combatants. Still, I’m a sucker for nostalgia and epic storytelling, which Taker certainly qualifies for. The yarn of his journey is really movie-esque and makes me a little sad knowing there aren’t many more characters like him left. The lingering question from the video, though, is: why isn’t Arn Anderson in an on-air role? He’s incredible. Maybe if WWE didn’t have the ridiculous, never-ending Anonymous GM role, Arn could be an authority figure. One more thing about the video...

P - Points. The video earned major points as well for putting the Undertaker’s streak in a realistic light. He’s like Tom Brady in the playoffs, Tiger Woods on Sunday, or Peyton Manning in the fourth quarter. That one night, it’s his time. He’s just on. WWE should have taken the win, though, and left out Arn comparing Taker's Streak to winning 18 straight Super Bowls. Jimmy Snuka and Mark Henry in a "Super Bowl?" I don't think so.

Q - Quotes.

Jerry Lawler (speaking to Cena “via satellite"): “Jerry Lawler here.” I’d wager he already knew your voice, Jerry...

Randy Orton: “You don’t know how sick I can be.” The funny part is that he said this while standing in front of his happy family fun-time bus he just lovingly introduced everyone to. I'm not buying it, Hamster. That’s right, he’s not the Viper anymore, now he’s the Hamster.

R - Really saw this coming. The bus stuck out way too much. I guess it helps make the feud a little more personal, but it did nothing for me. The best part was no one wondering why Randy Orton’s wife looked way different than his “wife” when Triple H barged in his “home.” Ahh continuity...good times...good times...

S - So lame. A-Ry has been re-hired as “V.P. of Corporate Relations.” This is just silly. It makes Cena look like a hooplehead (I’ve been watching Deadwood lately, shut up) for making the fired stipulation. It’s a zero sum game. “Darn, he lost. You’re fired...now you’re rehired.” Worst. Stipulation. Ever.

T - To infinity and beyond! Buzz Lightyear believed he could fly. And darn it, he did, and he saved those toys! That’s a self-fulfilling prophecy - and also fills my weekly quota on pop culture references. Perception is reality, Miz really is becoming a “must-see champ.” I really like his character arc right now. And I really liked the clever mic flip. I guess a “M” being an upside down “W” isn’t shocking news, but no one else thought of it, so there!

U - Ugly. I liked the belt switch, but couldn’t he have just scrapped the terrible title to begin with? It’s the most hideous trophy in the world. “You finally became World Champion, here’s this belt that looks like an ancient blinged out treasure Indiana Jones would find in a Temple of Loitering.”

V - Very happy Miz put over the title, though. Even if people didn't like the “M” belt, at least he positioned it as a prize to be coveted, which is something WWE couldn’t say about it for the last two years.

W - Well...he wasn’t “via satellite.” Fine, sure, Cena pulled a fast one on Miz. But, no one noticed it? No one saw him getting a ham sandwich in catering? No one saw his bus? No one noticed the room, with it’s door open, mind you, decked out like someones fake living room? Those are the same six props they use for everyone’s “living room,” but Miz didn’t notice? Booo-urns! Booo-urns! I’m way over my pop culture quota at this point.

X - Xylophone.

Y - You gotta love Riley throwing a table at Cena. He threw a freaking table at him! He could seriously have been injured! It was almost funny in a “did that guy really just throw a table?” kind of a way.

Z - Zero: The number of bathroom breaks Cena was allowed while sequestered in his “room.” The number of notes I took about the tag team match. Seriously, I barely watched it. And, finally, the percentage chance that Cena will beat The Miz. If this was Vegas I’d put my piggy bank on it. That’s right, 31 cents baby. Let it ride!

[Torch art credit Grant Gould (c) PWTorch.com]

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