Alphabet Soup - TNA Impact 3/17
By Charles Cress, PWTorch Specialist

A - A cold open, no stupid title...is TNA trying? I guess they have to do something to make it up to the people who shelled out $40 to watch Jeff Hardy do his Jack Sparrow impression at Victory Road. This, plus what looks like a new title belt and there was potential for a reasonably good two hour show.

B - By the way. Because I like to look at every little thing in the background, what was with the fluorescent green-shirted crew? Was there a National Crosswalk Attendants convention in Orlando?

C - Crunch. Bus, meet Jeff, Jeff, meet bus, why don’t I leave you two alone to get to know each other better. TNA wasn't too subtle throwing Hardy under the bus, were they? How can this guy ever come back to TV? Everyone knows what happened. It’s going be hard to get behind a heel or face Jeff Hardy for a while.

D - Dominoes! In the opening segment, one guys came out, here come two more. Then another. Then a whole group. What is this, the question and answer session? It ended up looking a mob scene from South Park. Rabble Rabble!

E - Eh...is this TNA? I feel like there are stories happening here, and...character development. Bully got awesome heat and made a good case for a shot. Also, it’s a sign his Devon feud is over. Yes, a TNA feud ended timely! Nice story on Sting being in Hulk’s shadow too. I'm not sure how believable it is, but it’s something. Like any good parent says, “Just try your hardest."

F - For the love of monkeys, Anderson is so over the top. Like I’ve said previously, his angry is like Adam Sandler's angry. I keep waiting for him to yell at an imaginary penguin. It’s funny, though, but I’m not sure if that’s how it’s intended. The babyface chase continuing is a good move, though. A.J. was a nice addition to the four-way too. He’s so money lately he doesn’t even know it. He’s the face of TNA whether they like it or not. TNA, meet A.J. Styles, your Peyton Manning. Now draw up some plays for him.

G - Grade C+. Despite trying very hard to screw it up, TNA didn’t do too bad this week. It was better than a bag of Cheddar Fries but not as good as an oversized sombrero. So...yeah, that should make sense.

H - Huh? Was their a Knockouts match? I blinked again. Stupid eyes. At least the Mickie-Madison blow-off is coming soon. Again, even though I’ve enjoyed it, the one thing that could ruin it - and any story really - is stretching it out too much.

I - I don’t even know how to articulate my feelings about Pope’s segment. Why even show that the participants aren’t really afflicted? I think we could figure that out for ourselves. Horrible writing. “Hey guys, let’s say the plan out loud with a camera right there and then do said plan pretending no one saw this! Yeah! Go team!” Ugh. It’s like bad action movies when characters sum up everything about them in the introductions, “Hi, I’m Billy Action, I’m a mercenary with a troubled past and a hatred for mutant dinosaurs that kidnapped my parents.” We can infer things on our own, thank you.

J - Just in case you thought I was letting the rest of this off the hook, I got more. The whole thing was weird and awkward. It’s becoming increasingly harder not to wonder who approves Okada’s outfit each week. Pope even stole my Green Hornet joke (probably didn’t steal it from me specifically, but I want to feel important, so shut up).

K - Knife. Pope has a knife...to a man's throat...wearing a plastic black mask and 41 percent more leather than should be acceptable. Brilliant. I wonder why they don’t compete with WWE...hmmm. Even though the knife was fake, what kind of angle was that? That, plus the s&m style beat down sealed it for me: funniest unintentional comedy segment ever. “Put the mask on!” will be the new “put lotion on the skin."

L - Like how Velvet makes Winter seem like the Kool-Aid guy, like she just barges in interrupting people.

M - Man, Double J took a wicked shot from Kurt Angle's "gifted" guitar. This is why you don’t take an unprotected shot to the head. Even if it is gimmicked, you’re just making more brain goo for Nowinski to study.

N - No complaints here otherwise about the Jeff-Angle...angle. Again, it appears to be ending in a timely fashion with a complete arc. I’ve done a complete arc during my course of ingesting this feud. I’ve gone from hating to loving it in the two or so months. In the end, it was creepy, it was interesting, and it was surprisingly funny.

O - Oh, Bischoff, why waste a “win one for the Gipper” speech on the likes of Gunner, Murphy, and Rob Terry?

P - Please work! My HD feed cut off before the TV Title match and I didn’t get to resume watching 'til the end of the Hernandez match. I didn’t miss much apparently, but the point is my stupid TV didn't work. I almost went on an over-the-top Anderson freak out. My cheddar fries kept me sane.

Q - Quotes. So many this week...so many.

Pope: “Put the mask on!” Because you can never hear that enough.

Hogan: “Put that in your Stinger pipe and smoke it!” Lame.

Madison: “I wanna scalp you Pocahontas.” So very very wrong.

Roode (during the aftermath of the powerbomb on A.J.): “Kiss my ass you fat bastard!”

R - Really bad idea. If the announcers don’t know what the match is then neither do I. According to Taz, there was a “mixed tag type of street fight" here with Hernandez vs. Morgan. Yep. When is this over? Oh good, it already is. "TNA: Our matches our over before you can finish complaining." That’s my future job: TNA tag line writer.

S - Sooo...why does Winter have on a blindfold? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

T - Take back the power! Wow, a ref actually did something. Hebner took the chair from Bully Ray in the main event in one of the all-time “duh” moments in wrestling: referees can simply grab the chair from the bad guy. Incredible.

U - Ugh, it was a very good four-way match until the finish, the stupid stupid annoying awful repetitive recycled garbage finish. Why would a ref count if both wrestlers are down? I don't even think they had body parts on each other. Creativity is dead in TNA. Long live recycling! Green forever!

V - Very cool powerbomb, even cooler aftermath. They nailed the “oh my god, is he hurt?” thing perfect. They went all in here. Unclear winner! Dramatic finish! Injury! Post-match street fight! Seems a little desperate, guys...

W - Well, it was still good, though. The guys in Fortune on the phones and coordinating who was going with who was great. Finally, a realistic take on the injury angle. Usually everyone just stands around while the ambulance saunters by. No phone call to the family. They just stroll back to the make-up table when it leaves. Kudos on this part.

X - Xylophone.

Y - You know what the best part was? Tenay saying, “It’s really hard to watch this,” and then TNA showed it from literally nine different angles. And now, “Z”...

Z - Zero: The number of times I’ve said “why doesn’t someone come to the ring blindfolded?” The number of times I considered calling my cable company and demanding they turn TNA back on. The number of people at the cable company that wouldn’t be laughing in the previous scenario. And, finally, the number of times I thought I might not be able to finish this column having missed one-fourth of the episode. TNA gives me waaayyy too much material. I could watch half of it and write a full column.

[Torch art credit Grant Gould (c) PWTorch.com]

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