Alphabet Soup - WWE Raw 3/14
By Charles Cress, PWTorch specialist

A - Ah owww ohhh...Cena was pretty beat up in Rock’s opening promo. Again, Rock brought out the fangs and Cena was eating soft food. They say every joke is based on a kernel of truth; that couldn’t have been any more evident than it was during Rock’s diatribe.

B - Biggest tragedy during the opening? Rock wearing camo pants. Camo pants are like sweat pants, they represent fashion that passed by long ago. The Rock might be showing his age...

C - Come to think of it, there were a good number of things wrong with the pre-tape. The sound effects might have been the worst offense. It couldn’t have been anymore obvious it wasn’t live. You know, because guys can just have Barney sound effects on standby. The dramatic score was slightly better if only because I imagined a guy off-camera playing a violin for ten dollars a hour.

Violin Guy: “Hey Rock, if you’re done, um, it’s about quitin’ time now. My overtime is about to kick in...“

Rock: “It doesn’t matter what’s about to kick in! No, but seriously, I’ll pay it. We got a few more takes left. I’ll buy you lunch.”

D - Do you know the saying, “Beware the Ides of March?” I think it was referring to Snooki’s appearance on Raw. She looked like a chipmunk that got stuck in a bag of Cheetos.

E - Even a broken clock is right two times a day. Continuing with saying of sorts; Cole was awesome. Again, I’m not a fan of the character. However, I couldn’t control myself after seeing his cube. Genius! A man so hated he must be protected by a cube, with a Cole-sized door! This and the later segment cemented Cole as not only a new favorite of mine, but a top level heel.

F - Finally, The Miz with a great promo on The Rock. That was easily one of the best of his career Monday night. He’s so comfortable out there, it’s insane, like a young Jericho. Plus, he made the crowd look stupid by cheap-popping them, which always makes me happy...right here, in Alphabet Soup! Yeeaaahhh! Whooo! Thanks, Mick.

G - Grade B-. It was better than not hitting a red light on the way home, but not as good as seeing someone fall outside of Kmart.

H - How about that? Even more praise for The Miz. His Khali beat down was strong, complete with WWE zooming in on Khali's bleeding back. Khali and chairs are having an epic feud right now. He can’t fit in them and they don’t want him on them. Look for Khali vs. a Chair at WrestleMania. Book it.

I - Is Snooki tiny or is it just me? Jo-Mo and Ziggler looked like Easter Island heads compared to her.

J - Just when you thought it was safe for Daniel Bryan in WWE, he gets beat by the guy with the...

K - King of the Ring curse. That’s a nice way to say Jobber. Hmm. Anyways, it looks like his punishment is over. Even though the announcers said Sheamus needed the pressure of putting his career on the line, I still don’t like Bryan losing like that. Sheamus has lost to everyone the last three months but Bryan. I'm hoping Bryan gets a Mania re-match and makes it look good. I have no problem with them facing again. They were great partners out there. Bryan could wrestle a banana glued to an '80s cell phone and put on a three-star match.

L - Let’s agree never to have Grand Master...ugh Sexay back on TV ever again. It doesn’t mean I didn’t like the segment though. Actually, I thought it was quite good. But, did he have to dance? He obviously was in no shape to dance. I mean, the man couldn’t breathe! I thought they were going to have to wheel out an oxygen mask for him like they do for NFL linemen. Good promo, bad participant.

M - More on the Lawler-Cole promo. I really didn’t think WWE had the guts to do something this edgy and bold. It was disturbing, and, as Josh Matthews so eloquently put it, “This is uncomfortable.” Jerry had some of his best work here. He said nothing and everything at the same time. J.R. cranked it up a notch, too. He came off as the calm voice of reason. It really put a perspective on how insane Cole has been lately. I mean, the man has a clear cube to announce in. I also liked J.R.’s selling here. “Ohh! Gawd! Damn! Ohh!”

N - No surprise. Orton beat Mason Ryan with a out-of-nowhere RKO. In other obvious news, permanent markers make you dizzy, paper is made out of trees, and the sky is blue. I didn't think Ryan looked that bad, though. Orton masked his deficiencies well. Did they need the stretcher, though? That guy's neck muscles are like stepping stools. If McGillicutty (or conversely “McGilliCUTIE” as my girlfriend calls him) didn’t need a stretcher, Mason didn’t either.

O - Oh...wow. Drew Carey in the Hall of Fame? At this point, it’s just whoever has something to promote that gets in. They easily have the least credibility of any Hall of Fame, even the Western Tri-County 12-15 Year-Old Model Boat-Making Hall of Fame has more credibility, and it’s incredibly specific and incredibly made up.

P - Please, stop reminding me Snooki is on the cover of "Rolling Stone" magazine. It seems like I have a lot of demands this week, but are they so crazy? All I ask is not to have desperate attention-seekers named Snooki and people named...ugh...Grand Master Sexay on my TV. Also, I demand never to have to type the latter's name in a column ever again.

Q - Quotes.

The Rock (addressing mini-Cena): “You’re not gangsta.’ You’re not from ‘the hood.’ No.”

Guy Behind Lawler (after Lawler compared his son to Charlie Sheen): “Winning!”

R - Really? Who is Snooki calling fat? Vickie looks smaller and way healthier. If it weren’t for every babyface telling me Vickie’s a fat cow, I would have noticed sooner.

S - Some day. Vickie should be a regular Diva. Her in-ring antics were awesome. Who throws a shoe?! (Haven't we been through this before somewhere in wrestling?) Also, shouldn’t there have been a DQ in that match? Like five of them?

T - To the bathrooms! Thank you, WWE, for designating the bathroom breaks for WrestleMania. It shall be 2-5 minutes during Snooki’s match. This makes it a lot easier, now I want miss anything interesting.

U - Ugh, stop showing people watching the pre-tapes. ‘Cause that’s exactly what I want to do: watch people watching a giant TV.

V - Very average. Extremely average. Painfully average. That was the Cena-Del Rio match. I don’t know why I expected anything from this. They couldn’t even deliver a Del Rio promo?

W - Way better. Miz as Rock was better than anything on Raw. The ensuing beat down topped it off perfectly. I feel like people take Miz much more seriously. Throwing Cena at the spinning sign was hilarious; it was like throwing someone through a revolving door. Plus, The Miz’s head had that perfect peanut shape of the Rock’s.

X - Xylophone.

Y - Yum yum. He comes the “Z” traaainnn! Open wiiiddee!

Z - Zero: The number of people who honestly believe this year's WrestleMania will be better than last year's. The number of notes I took about the HBK video. Two is enough! And finally, the number of times I thought, “You know who’s great? That Snooki gal from Jersey Shore. She’s a class act. I’d love to see her at WrestleMania.”

[Torch art credit Grant Gould (c) PWTorch.com]

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