Alphabet Soup WWE Smackdown 3/11
By Charles Cress, PWTorch specialist

A - Aww, it’s so cute. They think Triple H “responding” to Undertaker is as big of a deal as Cena responding to The Rock.

B - By the way, I put "responding" in quotations because I’m confused about what exactly he’s responding to. Does he take issue with being called an outlaw, or great? The Undertaker hardly said anything inflammatory; it was actually pretty conciliatory. I’ve seen pirates with more legs than this feud.

C - Comparing Brodus Clay to King Hippo from "Punch Out" might be the single most apt description of any person on planet earth. Are we sure this isn’t some real-life Tron thing where he came out of a Nintendo?

D - Decent opening segment all-in-all with Edge & Christian and Del Rio & Clay. It was pretty short, which got my hopes high for some long matches. Darn you, WWE! The Edge and Christian tandem was pretty cool, more on this later.

E - Even though Cole’s character is way over the top, sometimes he spouts some nuggets of awesomeness. Calling his interview with John Cena “Interview of the Year” is nothing short of genius. I should start calling my columns “Column of the Year.” You can’t argue with a name, regardless if it’s terrible. I was hyper curious why this was happening on Smackdown. Hopefully it’s not because they already have a hour of promo time booked for Monday. Last week was enough.

F - Fact: Over 25,000 autographs will be signed by WWE Superstars over the four days of WrestleMania Axxess in Atlanta. What they didn’t tell you: the most popular name for an autograph to be made out to will be “eBay” by a large margin.

G - Grade C+. In a new feature in the grading section, I will rate how good a show was by comparing what is better and worse than watching said show. Here we go: Smackdown was slightly better than finding a $20 bill, but not as good as getting Burger King "buy one get one free" coupons. So...that should make sense.

H - How many times has a random tag match taken place now? All of a sudden Corre and Show/Kane have a match. Just make these in the first place! On the good side, they saved the inevitable Ezekiel Jackson-Big Show match. In the bad news category, that meant Heath Slater had to wrestle. The only highlight here was Booker’s “Boot the snout!” exclamation.

I - I like Cody not wearing his gear. Does this hurt JTG? Sure, but he’s enhancement talent at this point anyway, and good enhancement talent at that. What it does more it show how serious Cody is. This is not the boy band reject Cody, this is a man with revenge on his mind. This plus his scarred villain act and it equals a great feud.

J - Just when you thought I was done talking about Cody, here comes round two! His Rey angle is easily the best-plotted, most fully-realized story leading into WrestleMania. It actually has a beginning, a middle, and hopefully an end. Not surprisingly, it’s also the story that’s been building the longest. Maybe there’s something to this “thinking ahead of time” thing...

K - Kind of sad. So, Cena is just now mad at The Miz? This is the WWE Title feud! The Rock has done more harm than help to this match. No one cares about Miz anymore. Even Cena’s promo showed that. The Rock gets two raps and Miz gets a stern talking to laced with cliches. Terrible. It’s going to take a lot of convincing to make the audience believe Cena wants The Miz as bad as he wants Rock.

L - Let it be. Now Cole is getting involved in Cena’s feud, too? Is this “Everybody Hates Cena?" Let the guy have his Miz angle. All it’s doing is marginalizing Miz and helping the viewers at home view him as a level below the top guys.

M - More enhancement talent. Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like jobbers are being used more than ever the last month or so, including Kaitlyn, who did what felt like a four-second job to Layla. Not a bad thing; you have to build up Lay-Cool for a split. Just a curiosity. Also of interest is...

N - N-X-Fail. Kaitlyn won a season of NXT and she’s an enhancement talent. Half of the guys are Florida staples. This show has failed in more ways than one. Winning isn’t exactly seen as a golden ticket anymore. Looking at the winners: one is gone, one is enhancement talent, one is leading a knock-off faction, and one is Johnny Curtis. So, yeah.

O - Oh my, this Sin Cara is special, guys! He has a yellow aura around him and can make giant news clippings levitate around his head. Wow!

P - Problem: I’m finding myself liking Rey Mysterio’s work lately. Anyone who’s read one of my Smackdown columns knows I constantly mock his bad break dancing style over choreographed offense. I haven’t liked a Rey match since his C.M. Punk series and before that, the answer would be never. But, darn if he didn’t have the best match of the night with Drew. Drew’s offense looked great! Drew should get a World Title shot just based on how good he was against Rey.

Q - Quotes.

Booker: “Ah shucky ducky quack quack!” No comment.

Wade Barrett (describing Kane): “...Great big chemical experiment mistake.” What does that mean?

R - Rey confused me. Why is he talking about his mask? I know Cody took it, but he has like 87. Plus, it’s not like Cody wants more. He’s not starting a collection. If he is, the fabulous WWE Shop has many options. Isn’t the beating he received more important? I think Rey misunderstood the meaning of this angle.

S - Some misplaced excitement. Right after Triple H said “...Allows me to do anything without regret, remorse, or emotion.” Whooo yeah! He can hurt people without caring!

T - Triple H’s promo was an exercise in futility. He seriously said nothing. I don’t see any sort of story developing. It’s just a contest to see who can recite the most trite sayings. Here’s a good game to play: every time one of them says “Outlaw," “Mountain,” or “Battle,” take a drink of soda. I was in sugar-shock last night

U - Ugh. What a waste of a good match. The E&C reunion disappointed. Maybe it’s because Christian isn’t ready to work a full match yet or half the show was spent on promos so there was only time for an eight-minute match. I was hoping for a double-team move at least. I wouldn’t have complained at all if they had a five-second pose for those with flash photography.

V - Very savvy booking for Brodus. The guys still comes off beastly even though he’s new and took the fall. This guy might have the highest ceiling in WWE of any of the NXT Rookies from any season.

W - Why can’t Brodus ride in Del Rio’s car? Poor guy. It’s probably ‘cause he smells. He looks like he smells. Or maybe he wouldn’t fit anyway...I don’t know.

X - Xylophone.

Y - You can just skip this sentence. Don’t read it. Go to “Z.” Why are you still reading? Ugh, just go. Ah, you’re a wise guy ay? Get movin'!

Z - Zero: The number of relevant things I’ve said in the “Y” section, ever. My expectations for Taker-Hunter. The number of wrestlers who are clamoring to steal the name “Triple H.” And, finally (sadly), the number of Rey masks based on Sesame Street. I would shower Rey with adoration if he wore a Cookie Monster hood.

[Torch art credit Grant Gould (c) PWTorch.com]

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