Alphabet Soup - TNA Impact 3/10
By Charles Cress, PWTorch specialist

A - Another dumb title Vol. 9 - “The Return of The Icon.” Ladies and Gentlemen, Sting is a Jedi. He’s a Skywalker. And he is back. Watch out Vader! Err...I mean Hogan! Or whoever supposed to be the bad guy. I can’t tell anymore.

B - Barely. When Sting said Jeff Hardy was a tough opponent, I exploded with laughter. Really? That guy? The guy you destroyed in like five minutes last week after being out of wrestling for four-and-a-half months? That guy?

C - Cash! Someone in TNA must have won a couple hundred dollars on a scratch-off ticket. How else could you explain the new t-shirts?

D - Don’t let him get away! Did you see all of Hogan’s necklaces? It looks like he robbed a mall jewelry kiosk.

E - Everybody dance now! Why did about half the roster come to the ring in the first segment? It looked like the introductions for a NBA game. Word from Fayetteville is the segment is still going on.

F - Finally, something to be positive about. Okay, let’s put the comedy hour on hold for a little bit. Here’s something I genuinely like: Anderson’s path to the TNA title. Everybody loves the babyface chase. This is even better because the babyface had just a taste before it was taken from him and no matter what he does he can’t get an opportunity at the strap. I’m really behind him in this chase; it’s one of those things that make you remember why you like wrestling. Okay, back to our regularly scheduled program.

G - Grade C-. Same old same old in turns of what went wrong here. On the plus side, there were two decent matches, so that’s good. I can’t tell if TNA is on the upswing or downswing, so I'm hoping for "up" because watching this was brutal at some points.

H - How dumb is this “Jersey Shore” storyline? Allow me to quote the prophet Angelina: “Us Jersey girls, we tell you we’re going to kick your ass before we do it!” This seems very counter-intuitive. Element of surprise? It’s like calling a bank and telling them you’re going to be there at 3:00 to rob them. Yeah, take that! Bet you won’t see it coming!

I - Inc, Ink. search party of two. You can wrestle once you find the Machine Guns.

J - Joke starter. Thanks for this one, TNA. So, a Samoan and an Asian Green Hornet fan in a half-plastic mask go to a wrestling ring to meet the Black Pope. From there, the possibilities are endless.

K - Kinda hard to take Joe serious with his puberty beard. That thing has more fuzz than a ten-day old sandwich and more bald spots than Matt Hasselbeck’s head. Seriously though, on the subject of the Joe-Pope match, it was average. It didn’t leave me wanting more. I’m ready to see this feud die. At this point, I’m pretty sure everyone forgot why they’re even fighting. Oh and Pope, chains like that don’t hurt. I mean it does a little, like slightly more than Del Rio’s scarf, but less than Miz’s Blackberry.

L - Let’s give some praise to the Knockouts storyline with Madison Rayne. She’s honestly my favorite Knockout. Her gimmick sounds old on paper, but it feels so fresh. And I really like the open challenge. It makes the division look strong and like a desirable destination. Maybe Roxxi wasn’t the best choice - the crowd was more excited about Bart Scott than Roxxi - but I still like the premise. And, of course, the beats are familiar: Mickie will keep coming down to attack Madison after each subsequent victory until she gets her shot. It doesn’t matter, though. I’m just happy TNA seems to have thought a storyline through.

M - Mickie was extremely overdressed for a run-in. She couldn’t get flat shoes? She must be the kind of person that goes to Pizza Hut in a ballroom gown.

N - Nonsense. Why were there two Lincolns that were inexplicably not just on but shining their headlights in the parking lot for the Bully Ray fight? Who was that nice-dressed man in the background content with watching this brawl? Security sure did take a while; did they stop by craft services on the way? Why is Bully freely swinging his wallet around? How have his identity and credit cards not been stolen yet?

O - Other than the above atrocities, the brawl was well done. You could tell the participants were ECW vets. It looked real, which is the highest compliment something like this can receive. As I’ve said before, I’m firmly on-board with the Team 3D feud. This is how you break up a tag team.

P - Please, make it stop. I don’t even know what to say about the six-Knockouts...match? It doesn’t feel right calling it a match. Little actual wrestling was involved. It was like minor fisticuffs with a dash of malice. I don’t know what was worse for women’s wrestling: Cole burying the Divas on Monday or this.

Q - Quotes.

Mr. Anderson: “Are you high?!” This elicited a scream of “Don’t, answer Jeff! You’re not legally obligated!” from me. So we got that goin’ on...

Ric Flair: “How many of your mothers have I slept with?” Eww, Ric.

R - Really, Matt? With the cargo pants? On your way to do some laundry? Seriously, though, Matt’s promo wasn’t too bad. Actually, he may have been to nice to Styles. It feels like he’s afraid to be a heel. Just go for it.

S - So, Ric Flair’s bleeding? Oh man, we gotta do something! That’s horrible! Why is he bleeding? This is dangerous! On a more serious note, it was a decent street fight...thingy... what ever it was. It was very decent for what it was. Flair’s limited role still somehow resulted in him bleeding. I’m now convinced he bleeds if he farts too hard at this point.

T - Tag team match was alright too. The spear spot was dope and both teams had a legit chance at victory. The only real mess up here was Taz hilariously confusing Jesse Neal for Shannon Moore. I also like the back-story for Beer Money-Ink, Inc. I don’t even mind that it’s face-face. After all the heel beat downs, it’s a welcome distraction. In other tag news, we really need to get that search party for the Machine Guns moving. Slap those kids's faces on milk cartons. Mobilize!

U - Ultimate X done right. Hype video was stellar. It added just enough branding to make sense and was vague enough to make you want to watch it. TNA needs to be careful, though, and not overexpose the match by simply adding it to the card. It’s special and should be treated as such.

V - Very random. Anderson’s attack on Sting seemed pretty out of character. No matter how much of an “asshole” he is, he’s still a good guy. It just didn’t feel right. I guess it isn’t all bad, it adds a little more animosity to the match.

W - Wow. Sting made a complete day's paycheck without taking off his shirt. Bravo. Did he learn that from Nash?

X - Xylophone.

Y - You know what’s coming...

Z - Zero: The number of fans that understand all of TNA’s convoluted storylines. The number of pirates on last nights Impact (big mistake). And, finally, the number of columns I’ve enjoyed writing more than this one. TNA provided so much material this week, I’m in writing bliss right now.

[Torch art credit Grant Gould (c) PWTorch.com]

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