Alphabet Soup - WWE Smackdown 3/4
By Charles Cress, PWTorch specialist

A - And here comes the crazy. Right off the bat, Undertaker was called “mythical” upon his return. So Unicorns, Undertaker, Dragons...sounds about right.

B - Battle of the long-haired, lanky, semi-foreign guys! I never realized just how similar Drew McIntyre and Edge are. I never got the Triple H comparisons, as they have noticeably different styles and looks. Edge-Drew is a good program, though. I’d like to see Drew get a face run, maybe Orton style...

C - Crazy-angry face. Drew plays crazy like Charlie Sheen plays crazy.

D - Drastic change. Cole really did a nice job on commentary at the end of the Edge-McIntyre match. Cole talking about Edge’s evolution and preparing new tactics for Del Rio at WrestleMania cemented a realistic vibe to the proceedings. Too bad Edge’s submission wasn’t new.

E - Every time I come up with an idea, WWE steals it. Either they stole my Cody vs. Rey mask vs. mask idea or it was so predictable, anyone could have seen it coming.

F - Fact: Last Friday, Smackdown was the #1 show on cable TV, beating every show on TNT, Disney, TBS, A&E, Bravo, USA, and ESPN. What they didn’t tell you: beating re-runs of Hannah Montana, The Office, five different Law and Order’s, and some terrible NBA game isn’t noteworthy.

G - Grade C+. Smackdown was heavy on talking this week, a unique flip for the usual mat-heavy show. It seems like the WM buildup is going to be a win some, lose some situation. WWE is going to present the stories the audience craves, but there won't be as much wrestling as we’re accustomed to.

H - How many finishers has Heath Slater had now? Like, 87? Now he has a reverse DDT, continuing his legendary run through every popular independent circuit finisher. Next, he'll do the RKO and the Codebreaker!

I - I wonder if Booker is being fed his insane ramblings or if he’s actually trying? Koz is his nickname for Kozlov. Nicknames are fine. Johnny for John, Pete for Peter, but when has anyone ever used Koz for Kozlov?

J - Just when you think it’s going to get stale, they bake a fresh batch. That’s how I viewed The Undertaker’s entrance. Thankfully it looks like his new entrance song will be “Ain’t No Grave.” It’s modern, it’s cool, and it’s absolutely haunting. Triple H and Taker would like you to believe they're the last of a dying breed: the larger-than-life character. Taker’s Deadman persona and his history of being “buried” just lends the song so much credence. Too bad it was downhill from there...

K - Kind of bad. Taker’s promo was okay, but I’m not quite sure what he was talking about. With all these grandiose back-and-forth exchanges between guys like The Rock and Cena, you expect a lot more...something, from his promo. It had its purpose, I guess.

L - Let’s take some time to shower love on Cody and Rey’s feud. It’s so old-school and has the slow burn to WrestleMania. I feel like this is the kind of feud WWE's younger wrestling fans will remember vividly like people my age remember Austin-HBK or, further back, Shawn Michaels superkicking and throwing Marty Janetty through the Barbershop window. WWE might even deliver a climatic WrestleMania match that hasn’t already been ruined on free TV.

M - Motivation. What was Kane’s motivation for hitting Big Show with a chair? Why start a match to hit someone with a chair two minutes after it starts? He doesn’t have beef with Show. I’m confused. Conveniently it sets up a potential Kane/Big Show tag team match against Corre. How nice!

N - No, Booker. Here we are my weekly ode to Booker’s mad monologues.

“Rosa Mendes has a lot of salsa!” What does that mean?

“This is Sports Entertainment, there’s no time to be sorry.” There’s a lesson here boys and girls: Sports Entertainment is never having to say you’re sorry.

O - Only in the WWE: a Russian and an Italian fight a South African model and a ginger Ric Flair impersonator for two giant pennies glued to black straps.

P - (Fact) Part two: More people attended WWE live events last year than the Super Bowl, NBA Finals, World Series, Stanley Cup, and X Games combined. What they didn’t tell you: hockey and NBA arenas only hold about 20,000 people if not less, and combining the games, it’s only 23 events between them. As opposed to the 200+ shows WWE runs a year. Pretty easy to beat those attendance figures.

Q - Quotes. All Booker this week.

Booker: “Like Nicole Ritchie and Paris Hilton.” Super-dated reference. I don’t know if it’s all his fault, as this sounded like a line someone fed him.

Booker: “There’s got to be something in that boot!” Yeah! Like plastic! ‘Cause that’s what it’s made of.

R - Run Swagger runnnn! I’m very pleased Swagger has his...well swagger back. I thought his best era was when he did the push-ups, the tossing motions, and ran in circles. I believe he should be positioned as a lovable goofball (not unlike Kurt Angle) and not the “serious Swagger” character that took over. I'm thinking funny Cole training montages.

S - Stupid Signs Volume 3. On Smackdown, there was a very curious sign that hilariously lingered on camera more than it should have. The sign read: “Go Big? Or Go Home.” Note the emphasis with the question mark. Are they asking us to go big? If so, why must I go home if I don’t want to? I didn’t ask for it, you posed it to me. Maybe that guy just really loves question marks like Tom Wolfe really loves exclamation points. Either way, the person behind the sign is the reason why I can’t sleep at night.

T - Tsk tsk. Sorry, Cleveland, but you’ll never live this down. Until the year 2033, heels will invoke Lebron James’s name to get cheap heat. Trust me, it won’t get better. How many new insults have wrestlers come up with for cheap heat over the years? Exactly. Better get the ear plugs out. It’s gonna be a long quarter-century.

U - Uh oh, here comes a contract signing...get ready for the...hey, they stole my line! That’s right, WWE is getting way more savvy lately. Nice job pointing out the “contract signing = fighting” trope. Too bad they had a fight anyway. Someday they’ll come up with a new ending...someday...

V - Very possible. It’s very possible there won't be another good or interesting match again until Mania. Even if they have two very good wrestlers in the ring, I doubt there will be much action. This show had to set an all-time record for lowest total of in-ring time. Make way for the story train! Whooo Whoo! Is this a bad thing, though? Like I talked about earlier, it's WrestleMania season building the stories, but are viewers willing to sit through countless talking segments while the in-ring action is sacrificed on a predominantly wrestling show?

W - We should all talk like Alberto Del Rio. I love that he never pluralizes words and talks in long-winded diatribes. I want to hear him at McDonalds.

“Welcome to McDonalds, go ahead with your order.”

“Hello, my name, my name is Alberto Del Rio, but you, you already know that.”

“No, I don’t.”

“That okay. I want Cheeseburger. And Fry.”

“Sir, we don’t sell individual fries...”

“Whatever! Then give me McNugget!”

This goes on for a while so I’ll stop now...

X - Xylophone.

Y - You have to love WWE ruining next week. Which leads me to...

Z - Zero: The number of returns by people named Christian next week. The number of people who want to see Heath Slater perform at WrestleMania. And, finally, the updated total of wrestling contract signings that did not end in a brawl.

[Torch art credit Grant Gould (c) PWTorch.com]

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