Alphabet Soup - TNA Impact 3/3
By Charles Cress, PWTorch specialist

A - Ay! Not a bad crowd, not at all. It’s a lot better than seeing the same seven plants on the front row at the Impact Zone.

B - Buy that? Noooo. Matt Hardy’s new shirt is terrible. Who would want a shirt with a dread-locked hippy on it? Maybe Bob Marley fans will buy it on accident. TNA: Where people buy our shirts on accident.

C - Can Ric Flair be any more unintentionally funny? Please, please TNA don’t ever script him. They should have replaced Reaction with a late-night style talk show where Flair half-coherently interviews celebrities. No, Flair, I don’t want to know what gets you off. Anyone else have a feeling Flair isn’t acting?

D - Dum dum dum! “The Network!” This is getting more ridiculous each time. So they don’t like Anderson saying “asshole” - though, after TNA, was the debut of the completely classless “Roy Meets Girl” - and they want big ratings, you know, for that wrestling show they’ve had for a couple of years and never worried about before. I can see the attempt at logic, though. How else would a top face get a chance at a heel champ without “Network” interference? Bischoff’s character would never let RVD or Sting face his champ willingly. It screams of bad writing and Deus Ex Machina. “Uh, I don’t know how to make it so Sting faces Hardy realistically, so, uh...the network said so! Yeah!”

E - Entertaining crowd. The more this show went on, the hotter this crowd got. It really made the normal audience of plants, high school sports teams that got in for free, confused people touring Orlando, and "hardcores" look bad. TNA should go on the road more often. Maybe once a month. We all know they can’t travel weekly. That’s the reason half the old guys signed on with the company.

F - Freebird! TNA played its greatest hits on this show! Get ready for all the classics like “Long Winded Crowd Killing Promo with No Point,” “Power Pulls that Make No Sense at All,” and “Things We Copied From WWE.”

G - Grade C-. Despite barely being a wrestling show and featuring laughable celebrity cameos, it was semi-entertaining, almost in a so-lame, it's awesome way. And, hey, isn’t being entertaining one-fourth of the equation?

H - Holy wow, a good segment! Beer Money making quick work of Gunner and Murphy was pitch perfect. Ink, Inc. calling out the champs for a PPV title match was icing on the cake. That’s how it’s done. TNA is a lot of things, but bad with tag teams is not one of them. Wait, where are the Machineguns? Nevermind. Why can’t they use the same tactics with their other divisions? Speaking of other divisions, what about that X Title?

I - I...wha...but...the match...just started? All of that epic buildup for Sarita-Velvet with Sarita's career on the line and the match was over before I was done making toast? I have a pretty nice toaster, too. One-and-a-half minute tops.

J - Just wondering, does TNA think people in North Carolina care about “Jersey Shore?” Apparently next week, there will be a match “Jersey Shore” style. So it’ll be loud, annoying, and about an hour past its 15 minutes of fame?

K - Knockouts are important. They really are. That’s why TNA positions them as eye candy and gives them two-minute matches.

L - Love Ric Flair. Here’s what he said to Jarrett about his proposed Harry Potter honeymoon. Please note that transcribing Ric Flair is difficult and a task I would not wish on my worst enemies. Here we go:

Ric Flair: “We’re talking about red wine, negligees, wooo! We’re talking about follow the lead, follow the lead...give her the Oooo la la, la laaaa!”

M - My favorite part of this episode would be “The Network” perfectly explaining TNA’s business model. Apparently “The Network” believes “surprises equal ratings” and “a big surprise will put it over the top.” TNA, ladies and gentleman!

N - No more weddings, please. It was so cheesy. The first run played out like a Disney movie minus a talking monkey. I appreciate Taz trying to make it better by lamp-shading wrestling’s troubled history with weddings, but it didn’t make it any better.

O - Only party clowns have balloons like these guys. Steiner vs. Terry is what I would call a balloon fight. It was like watching a T-Rex trying to make out with a mountain. I didn’t know whether to cheer them or give them pee tests! The finish begs the question, why are they...

P - Painstakingly going through hoops to make Terry look tough if they’re going to job him out like that? No one is scared of him! When’s the last time he won a match? Just release him so Vince can make him Batista’s little brother who want revenge on John Cena.

Q - Quotes.

Ric Flair: “Instead, you elect to text, email, voice mail...whatever you do!”

Kaz (to Bart Scott): “Who are you, Jermaine Hardy?"

EY: “I’m not afraid to work my way up!”

R - Really good idea. Have Bart Scott be the enforcer after Kurt already messed up Run One. Truly genius.

S - So, now it’s Hernandez and Morgan following Terry and Steiner? Exactly what I wanted! Now I all need to do is burn my money and drive my car in a river and it’ll be a perfect night!

T - To the exits! Mad man on the loose! Kurt Angle has an axe and he’s gonna...he’s gonna chop up a cheap set...oh...

U - Uh, first, it wasn’t a surprise it was Sting. Let’s just be real here. However, I did enjoy the main event bit. Maybe it was Jeff’s selling, maybe it was the raucous crowd, maybe it was the fan in me, but Sting was a sight for sore eyes. Now, him winning the title is a different story.

V - Very easy. Apparently all you have to do to sign Sting is give him your top title on his first night back. It’s that easy!

W - Well, it’s the end of the night and I think my cup of delicious grape Hawaiian Punch lasted longer than the wrestling. The show was truly a soap opera: not a lot of action and a lot of long-winded monologues!

X - Xylophone.

Y - You know, I enjoyed the Ann Arbor, Michigan love tonight with Joe Warren and Scott Steiner both being featured. Just so you know, though...

Z - Zero: the number of us that claim Scott Steiner as one of our own. The number of times Sting thought to himself “What a great title!” And, finally, the number of times I wish I had seen Orlando Jordan and Eric Young on my TV.

[Torch art credit Grant Gould (c) PWTorch.com]

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