By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

"And I don't want no parts of that abuse
Wouldn't wish it upon my worst foe a day in my shoes
That'll just eliminate any excuse
And why entertain them
Old me would have lost my senses
Y'all just helping the new me regain them"
-"Downfall" by Joe Budden

"It's coming. The Absurd TNA Destination X Review. Shane McKinley takes the path least taken, least traveled, and least walked upon. Hope is a bird that flies through a metal garden, an eagle that flies through outer space. Victory is something you don't get until just after you need it. Don't know when to hold them and when to fold them! Anger is one letter short of danger! Every morning is the dawn of a new error! For you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. It begins...now. What is it? It is it. You know it. It defines us all. It. It. It."

I guess somebody in TNA must have been a bad poet in their previous job, because they are still rolling out PPV opening videos filled with hollow cliches that don't make a lick of sense.

I figured out what TNA's motto is: "TNA: We also put smiles on people's faces." The smile comes from our faces because, gosh darn, those lovable TNA lug heads are just so committed to their deluded vision of what a wrestling product should be. I have a soft place in my heart for TNA because they have truly, unequivocally, lost their ever-lovin' blanking minds.

-Destination X blasts off with a nice opening X Division match. I agree with the notion that the X Division needs to be treated more than the "Xbox Division," because, yes, while the spots are cool, they often lack context and the characters have the personality of test-tube subjects. But we've been saying this for a long time now. And there's no reason to think that suddenly the Xbox Division is going to develop real feuds with real characters.

-I don't know what's odder: Abyss imitating Hulk Hogan or Eric Bischoff getting his head shaved last week because, as it was written in "Controversy Creates $1.98," "Random Haircuts Spell Ratings." Was anybody really hoping to see Eric's hair shaved off? Not really. But hey, TNA doesn't need to include fans in their angles. Why, fans to TNA are nothing more than eyeballs. Yup, we're just eyeballs and walking wallets, no brain patterns at all to find. How else could one explain why "The Band" got back together tonight?

-Ah yes, Rob Terry. His offense: clotheslines and raising his arms in victory. I thought Hulk Hogan said that there wasn't going to be any ga-ga with this new regime. I thought I heard Bischoff say on Impact that "guys were going to earn their spot." Can a 1980s overtly steroid dude work in 2010? Yes, if he's over. But, nobody knows how to react to Rob Terry. Simply put, Terry's big push was rushed. Viewers haven't had the time to get warmed up to the guy. Suddenly, Terry becomes Global Champion and next thing we know Taz and Tenay are dropping bombs like "Next World Champion Contender." WWE NXT rookie David Otunga is the late Mr. Perfect compared to this bloke whose getting shoved down viewers's throats.

Destination X featured a lot of shoving round pegs into square holes. Come on now. You guys are in the business of wrestling. You're supposed to be well-versed in conning us, persuading us to feel a certain way about an individual. You're supposed to wave your magic wands and truly sell us on buying into your shtick. I've heard of taking two steps back to move forward, but with the Rob Terry push, I simply don't trust TNA to properly sell this guy. I expect them to go ga-ga over this dude, torture viewers, then drop him like the British Balloon never existed.

-Wait, did TNA sign RVD, the "hottest free agent?" You say they did? You sure about that?

-Motor City Machineguns vs. Generation Me was pretty damn slick. And thankfully, hopeful futures for both teams, especially with MCMG becoming #1 tag team contenders. I'll take MCMG becoming tag team champs with Morgan betraying his partner Super Mex and then them losing to the Mega-Maniacs of Hogan-Abyss. Don't deny destiny.

-I thought the "dead body outline" of Eric Young was fitting, because his career in TNA looks to be six feet beneath the ground after tonight.

Young had an unlikeable character during the "World Elite" bit and even more so with the super stupid "Super Eric" thing. Then suddenly Kevin Nash wants to be his pal just so that TNA can set up Young to be the fall guy for "The Band' getting back together. Groan. If you love getting depressed, then you are one who gets happy for whatever angle Eric Young is in.

So "The Band" is back together. You know, if you type in "WCW 1997" during a YouTube search, chances are you're going to get a current TNA angle going. The Wolfpack is back together. Whoopee friggin doo. Any credible and exciting new good guys to go against team Wolfpack? Or just more tired Hogan-Nash baloney?

We knew that The Band's match was going to be a stinky affair, but I have to applaud TNA in this aspect: they sure took down a lot of people with The Band's match. They took down Eric Young, they took viewers down with Syxx trying to find a friggin spray paint can, and they made the rest of their matches have a comical affect with the "dead body" outline on the mat. The match can't just be a stinker, no, it's had to drag down the rest of the show down. Geesh. Winners out of this match? Nobody.

-Doug Williams, best known to TNA viewers as "the British dude who is not Magnus or Rob Terry," first gets killed by Terry. Then, TNA shows a credible X Division match showcasing Kaz. What's the outcome of the match, you say? Why, Shannon Moore getting an X Division championship PPV match, of course. Least TNA had the brain cells to put some flesh on the character of Williams with the dastardly heelish action of Williams putting lipstick on Shannon. Maybe he'll put lipstick on Kaz too. And maybe Williams will be the first X Divisioner that actually resembles a living human being. Williams = "The Lipstick Guy."

-The tag team of Matt Morgan and Hernandez, a/k/a the WWE tag team of MVP and Matt Hardy, retain the belts. If they are going to go down this route of Morgan/MVP being the cocky heel, then I hoping to see Herny/Matt Hardy not look so weak in the ring. This angle sure is making Morgan look good, but the same can't be said for Herny.

You know, I think things would be easier in TNA if they had their guys and gals wear "I'm Face/I'm Heel" t-shirts in the ring. Did Beer Money need to turn heel before their PPV match with heel Morgan/face Super Mex? Was there a reason why Beer Money has frowny faces now?

-Keep on rocking, Mr. Angle and Mr. Anderson. You're apparently the only TNA main-event feud that has sane people working on it. The match was a bit iffy, but hey, we got to have hope.

-Did you hear? Abyss is Hulk Hogan, Jr. You see, TNA are geniuses. Everybody loves to mark out to Hulk Hogan, but Hogan can't really go in the ring anymore. So they take the Mankind rip-off and transform him into a Mankind-Hogan rip-off. Ingenious. Soon Abyss is going to be starring in "Suburban Commando 2."

TNA must have had a field day when booking the A.J. Styles-Abyss match. If you didn't see Destination X, this is how the Destination X recap went down:

Hey there, this is Smilin Shane, and I'll be recapping Destination X for y'all! Let's get down to it...

...Styles hits a 450 splash on Abyss. Abyss kicks out and starts "hulking up." You know the routine. Abyss chokeslams Styles through the mat. Cool. Ref calls for the bell? What? There's a hole in the mat. Hogan, Flair, Chelsea, Desmond Wolfe, Eric Massa, Shark Boy, and The Easter Bunny come down the ramp. Some people fall into the hole. Suddenly the TNA Heavyweight championship PPV match has become stage to a skit from...a hokey Hogan comedy flick. Tenay conveys to the viewers that the belt means jack. Hogan and Abyss strut. End show. Oh man, this can't be real. I think I'm losing it. I had hope that it wasn't like the old days. I don't know what's happening. This can't be real. Oh, please help me. Ahhhhhhhhh...

What did viewers do to piss off TNA bookers? Did all of the complaining get to them? "We'll show them! We'll have Flair falling comically into a hole! Take that!"

Seriously, I will pay big bucks for that infamous mat. Think about it: it has the dead body outline of Eric Young on it and it was the stage for TNA pissing away any credibility their TNA Hvt. championship PPV matches had. It could be an icon for TNA's deluded fantasy they reside in. They should put that in a museum, with a little sidebar underneath saying, "A mat from the March 21, 2010 PPV that caused wrestling fans to go insane."

You see, TNA succeeded tonight! They teased you with some solid in-ring work, but buried it with insane booking decisions! Yes! I trusted Dixie Carter that the "Xbox Division" stuff was going to be solid, and it was. But man, they had the stones to make the TNA World Hvt. championship match a Santino comedy shtick! Oh ho ho ho! Man, y'all gotta order the replay! Watch as TNA plays up an inside joke that only they find funny!

TNA: "What's wrong with you? Don't you get the TNA product? Didn't you get about what we're trying to do? It's all about word of mouth! It's about creating buzz! Nobody gives a damn about the TNA belts! We tried to create something noteworthy and give you something to talk about! Nobody has even seen somebody chokeslammed through the ring! Nobody! ... Wait, no one has, right?"

Do you know what I kinda expected, TNA? Even with a worthless, no-hype championship PPV match, I expected it not to turn out to a kooky Hulk Hogan comedy movie (think "3 Ninjas on Mega Mountain" or "Santa with Muscles"). And I hoping you didn't think to yourselves, "Well, the viewers will be fine with it, because Desmond Wolfe is randomly getting mace squirts in his eyes. Hooray!"

We thought Flair looked sad in his wheelchair. Now the best advice for Flair is to watch out for holes. And dear Lord, the TNA booking. In the past we used the terms "confusing," "rushed," "illogical," or even "dumb." With Destination X, TNA booking has a new label: "psychotic." I'm scared to go to sleep. Millions...well, the five of us who watched Destination X... won't be sleeping for the rest of the week. We're leaving all of the lights on.

-Thank goodness Samoa Joe hasn't been released by the ninjas yet. Destination X was a booking horror show. I am not planning any trips to Florida in fear of getting infected by whatever sickness that has befallen TNA.

One last note. Typically I don't like to use all caps, but I need to post the following in the faint hope that some unpaid TNA mole surfing the web might stumble upon this:

NOTE TO TNA: PLEASE SEEK PSYCHIATRIC HELP. THANK YOU.

Oh well, at least TNA World Hvt. champion A.J. Styles has some sick dance moves.



(credit to the trickery.com, upload.wikimedia.org, arkansasmatters.com, media.photobucket.com and s.bebo.com for pics)

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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