By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

"There's a king on a throne with his eyes torn out
There's a blind man looking for a shadow of doubt
There's a rich man sleeping on a golden bed
There's a skeleton choking on a crust of bread"
-"King Of Pain" by The Police

If Triple H is the "king," Shawn Michaels is the "blind man," and John Cena is the "rich man," who's the "skeleton?" A fan who feels that the price increase of WWE PPVs is just Vinnie Mac gouging fans.

You know, this PPV needs a little spice. A little something something. On the PPV broadcast, there needs to be a... swear word. Most likely done by John Cena. I can imagine it now. Him turning towards the camera and slowly laying a f-bomb. That act alone would guarantee at least a week's immunity from all of us bashing him. Maybe that's what the triple threat featuring Cena facing off against DX needs: swear words. Mind you, adult swear words. Not childish ones. Lest we remind you...




Never forget.

What could also boost Survivor Series sales? If there was a "special" edition for people who don't drink from sippy cups and sleep in PJs. Something for us adults. Heck, there have been some absurd articles that have never seen the light of day because they were just too hot for the Internet. You wouldn't believe what I laid down, brotha. It was the greatest thing in the history of the world, brotha (sorry, TNAism is rubbing off on me). Want these valuable absurd articles? Email me at mckinley.torch@gmail.com. Of course, you have to pay me to get these articles.

Onto the Survivor Series absurd preview...

Mickie James/Melina/Eve Torres/Kelly Kelly/Gail Kim vs. Michelle McCool/Jillian Hall/Beth Phoenix/Layla/Alica Fox

They'll do their thing and they'll do it (hopefully) well. Beth
Phoenix is the standout, Alica Fox is the anchor. You'll probably seen this on Raw back in September.

Why You Should Be Excited For This Match
-Backflips
-Gail Kim might actually wrestle
-They'll dress up as "Santa Sex Slaves" for the next PPV

Why You Shouldn't Be Excited For This Match
-Botched backflips
-They're not dressing up as smart, sexy, and powerful Thanksgiving Turkeys

John Morrison/Matt Hardy/Evan Bourne/Shelton Benjamin/Finlay vs. Miz/Drew McIntyre/Sheamus/Dolph Ziggler/Jack Swagger

It's the Morrison Marauders vs. the Miz Morons in a epic Survivor
Series match. Thankfully, no Eric Escobar to be found here. This is
the second rate SS match-up (the first being Team Kofi vs. Team Orton). Wildcard of the match here is Sheamus, who might be more interested in making his own moment. Evan Bourne and Matt Hardy are in their personal contest to see which one is the bigger chump.

Why You Should Be Excited For This Match
-Confident that the action will be at least serviceable
-Solid talent
-Sheamus mocks people in line for "New Moon"
-Sheamus takes the last piece of pizza from the fridge
-Sheamus bows to Japan's Emperor Akikito

Why You Shouldn't Be Excited
-John Morrison and the Miz might be smarter than a fifth grader...but the rest of these duds aren't (Jack Swagger is fast becoming just another meathead)
-My weird feelings for Dolph Ziggler, despite his impressive loss record
-Drew McIntyre looks like a evil Keri Russell
-We used to like Matt Hardy

Kofi Kingston/MVP/Mark Henry/R-Truth/Christian vs. Randy Orton/Cody Rhodes/Ted DiBiase/ CM Punk/William Regal

There used to be a time when WWE stretched out a feud for months and months. Fans couldn't wait to see team captain Hulk Hogan get his hands on team captain Andre The Giant after their epic Wrestlemania match. Fast-forward to 2009 and well, things are moving at a much quicker pace. Kofi's involved in a hot feud with Randy Orton while mindless conformist R-Truth is involved in a feud with C.M. "how awesome am I" Punk. And hey, Christian is back on WWE PPVs!

Why You Should Be Excited For This Match
-Kofi vs. Orton
-The ghetto thugs vs. the trust fund babies!
-Christian does indeed work for WWE!
-Cheering the straight-edge Punk

Why You Shouldn't Be Excited For This Match
-Possible a Ref Scott Armstrong appearance
-Cody Rhodes might injure himself on another Mark Henry chop block
-The crowd's fear of being swallowed by William Regal's gut

Batista vs. Rey Mysterio

It's personal. How personal? Very personal. It's so personal that
everybody's depressed that poor Rey Rey is gonna get killed. Word
around the internet grapevine is that Rey Mysterio has a very bad
knee. So Batista takes out Mysterio and then goes after Undertaker.

Why You Should Be Excited For This Match
-Rey makes Batista look good in the ring
-WWE remembering that they gave Batista the ankle lock submission move

Why You Shouldn't Be Excited For This Match
-Announcers being somber, camera shots of kids crying
-Rey going, "You're my dog, dog! Don't do this, man! Dog, I love you, dog!"
-After PPV, Batista gets caught going to a "New Moon" showing

World Championship Triple Threat: Undertaker vs. Chris Jericho vs. Big Show

Undertaker is the dead man. Jericho is a honest man. Big Show is the useless man. Why exactly is this a triple threat again? Why is Big Show, a Raw star, fighting for the Smackdown championship? Guh.

Why You Should Be Excited For This Match
-Chris Jericho
-Might give the Raw triple threat a run for its money (unlikely)

Why You Should Be Excited For This Match
-"Looks like there's some disagreement between Jericho and Big Show"
-Chris Jericho's zany facial expressions
-Possibly another soulless Undertaker PPV win

WWE Championship Triple Threat: John Cena vs. Triple H vs. Shawn Michaels

This matchup has MOTY contender written on it, but the feud has a
definitive spot on "the wall of shame" for 2009. When it comes time to buy the PPV and I'm in the process of remembering the buildup to this feud, all I am left with is thoughts of a locker room...lame sexual orientation euphemisms...Hornswoggle crotch chops...and the general feeling that WWE couldn't give a rat's ass about doing a proper buildup. Not exactly a confidence builder.

Why You Should Be Excited For This Match
-Looks to be a great match
-Possible start for Trips vs. HBK feud

Why You Shouldn't Be Excited For This Match
-If a leprechaun and two NASCAR drivers booked the match, who was in control of the buildup? Magical goldfish that speak to Vince?

Final Word: I expect the Raw triple threat to deliver and the
Smackdown triple threat to be all right. Batista vs. Rey Mysterio is a interesting match-up because fans are confident that they will at least see a good match with a potential big push in Batista's heel push. Good job by WWE by making fans care about the Team Captains for the traditional Survivor Series match (this is not always the case).

And hell, why not a surprise appearance by a new wrestler? I'm not
talking about Booker T, Low-Ki, or the Gobbly Gooker. I'm talking about the Lance "I'm so intense it hurts" Archer!

So what we are left with is three okay survivor series matches, two
solid match ups (Batista vs. Mysterio, Smackdown Triple Threat), and a potential great main event. Is all of this worth $45? If the Raw triple threat is a let-down and the show is just "all right", then no it's not. WWE needs to deliver a homerun on Survivor Series. After the Hell in the Cell setback, people are wary of the "TLC" concept PPV coming up in December. I know I am.

(credit to images1.fanpop.com, completemartialarts.com, and ugo.com for pics)

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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