By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

""I'm a big dreamer, so watch me come up with somethin'"
-"N.Y. State of Mind Part II" by Nas

So coming off the heels of a dominant performance by the growing legend of Manny Pacqauio on Saturday night and TNA's return to great in-ring work at their PPVs (unlike previous efforts, which consisted of lame storyline developments like "Will Sting retire for the 137th time? Tune into Impact to find out!"), Monday Night Raw opens up...with Roddy Piper and some comedian. Oh-kay. Then for some reason, Iron Sheik shows up to play with his dolls. I wonder how much WWE paid these guys. And why they couldn't pay for the stadium that featured "the slam heard around the world."

-The new Raw "tunnel" theme is fine, but I agree with others that it lacks that "late '90s crack open a beer and relax, it's Monday Night Raw" type of vibe.

-I felt that it was good to get back to basics with Miz being featured in a credible TV championship match. As for Miz, it's time for us to put more stock into him. He has a heel character that people love to hate. Of course, he doesn't have a rocket strapped to his back like Kofi Kingston, but he looks to be the new star of the Raw mid-card.

-Crowd was hot for Santino's "t-shirt" bit. Chavo played the fool. Hornswoggle crotch chopped his junk. You know the drill.

-Now that the crowd has been officially primed by the warm-up comedians, here comes DX to capitalize on it. (Guess who came right after Kofi put Orton through a table? John Cena.) This DX reunion might be the lamest yet, because week after week all we hear is the tired "merchadize" jokes. Har har. It's not depressing that they don't bother to come up with new material. It's depressing that this is the only material for DX. Ugh.

-I mean, can't those DX guys hear how quiet the crowd got after the "go out to Borders" line? Right about now I'm tempted to go inside Borders, grab all of those DX books and throw then into a massive bonfire.

Then, "because we guess we have to," DX goes into pumping up their PPV triple threat match. It seemed like a not-too-subtle way to "fix" the problem that those "whiny wrestling fans" have brought up. So what was solved? Um, not much. DX says that they don't care who wins, the gold is coming home with them. You know, this "big elephant" wouldn't be such a problem for fans if there wasn't another triple threat on the PPV with the same storyline (a team vs. the champion in a triple threat match).

What are the odds that JeriShow do some silly dissension in the ring (har har look at the heels they can't get along) and that DX and Cena play up a more serious tone? Whatever. We can all agree that the feud has been botched up a bit and could have been so much more.

I had an idea that Hornswoggle would be the one to play pranks on DX in a childish manner. You know, DX would get a taste of their own medicine and it would be fun for kids. I didn't take into account the fears Trips has. So Trips pedigreed poor little Horny. Then DX brought out a stretcher. In bad taste? Sure. But like how Bill Belichick went for it on 4th down on his own 28-yardline, I approve. Mainly because DX did something else than their tired shtick. Although, it was nauseating to hear Michael Cole suck up and say that it was all okay. Hornswoggle is in a coma but it's all okay, because it was a moment. Next time I'm in New York, I'll be sure to injure one of the New York Knicks. "It's okay! I made a MSG moment!"

Trips pedigreeing Hornswoggle is not a "classic MSG moment." I'll put it in with the other great DX moments. Somewhere between "Shawn Michaels superkicking a girl" and "Triple H getting 'serviced' under a table."

And for the record, DX spent more time and effort on the Hornswoggle bit than hyping Survivor Series. "What stinking issues? We don't need no stinking issues. People just love our wrestling characters so much that they'll care about anything our characters are doing." I can imagine Stephanie McMahon shrieking that to fans.

-I was a bit surprised to see Mick Foley on that MSG video package. The Royal Rumble 2000 Triple H vs. Mick Foley street fight is one of my old favorites.

-Ha ha, everybody! I knew WWE couldn't resist Chris Master's unique talent of pumping his chest pecs! It's like my very own ugly, disgusting baby that I have unleashed upon the world! Ha ha ha! Now if I can find a way to make some money off of it...

-Holy moly, WWE actually landed somebody from a current hit show that people actually watch in that "30 Rock" Judah guy! Oh my.

I don't know what to make of the women's division. Right now (especially on the Raw side), it's a non-factor in buying WWE PPVs. On TNA, I'm getting Tara vs. Awesome Kong in a steel cage and in WWE I'm getting the same old same old. Now what I do is I count how many botched moves they are in the Raw divas matches.

-I noticed that during the Hot Rod segment, the camera panned to a fan wearing a Ring of Honor t-shirt. Free publicity is good when you can get it.

-Did Piper forget to write his lines on his hands again? Maybe the movie "They Live" was right and Piper is an alien under a disguise of human skin. To the younger fans, they are listening to a troll bellow words and looking at each other, going "what?"

Highlight of the night was when Evan Bourne came out to face Piper because Bourne "respected Piper and wanted to make a MSG moment." Piper promptly poked him in the eyes and rolled him up for the three count. Take that, Jim Neidhart! (We wouldn't be ripping on TNA so much if we didn't care about Macho Man imposter Jay Lethal.)

I did like the joke Piper made about the dead wrestlers and bald wrestlers like WWE's favorite Hulk Hogan. They Live? No, They Dead or They Bald. Don't think so? You're wrong. Bald wrong.

The percolating peaking Piper wants to fight Vince McMahon. It's okay, Piper. I rather not see Vince McMahon in the ring anymore. It's fine. He's has bled roughly 40 gallons in his street fight matches. Enough is enough.

Vince jaunts down to the ring. Out of his ramblings, which made more sense than Piper's ramblings, I was excited that one of the "handsome stars" that Vince mentioned (Rock, Stone Cold, etc.) were going come in. Guess not. So, it's Piper vs. Vince.

-Can't Jesse Ventura announce the entire 3-hour Raw? Or do fans have to listen to the "oil and water" relationship of Matt Striker and Michael Cole?

-Ladies and gentlemen, the first and last Paul Burchill ECW teaser you will see. They should probably resist Burchill donning the pirate outfit and joining the Green Hurricane.

-Sheamus gets his moment (not a MSG moment) in beating up a cameraman and Jerry Lawler. Kayfabe thoughts here, but I sometimes wonder why "monsters" spend so much time beating up weak jobbers. Don't they get bored? Shouldn't they be shooting higher? Vladmir Kozlov over on ECW spent like three years beating up jobbers. I would like to see Miz play the coward to Sheamus (people would cheer Miz anyways).

The prospect of Sheamus feuding with King is an indictment that management doesn't have anything for him. It could also mean they are looking to get a cheap "Jerry" pop because his ass is out the door. Guess who feuded with King before they got fired? Booker T and The Brian Kendrick. Sheamus isn't going to be fired, but I don't really want to see a Sheamus-Lawler feud.

-Jack Swagger and Evan Bourne are both stuck in a dingy boat in the middle of an ocean with one oar. Keep paddling, boys.

-A bit of unprofessionalism by Randy Orton during his "what the heck" motion towards the camera during the botched Piper punt to the head. At this point of the show, I was wondering if watching the Cleveland Browns play against the Baltimore Ravens was more depressing. Somewhat dark content until Kofi did the Boom Drop in the Garden.

Hell of a moment for WWE television during that "Kofi's boom drop on Orton through a table." I liked to think that Randy Orton owed the Rasta some money. "Where's my money, man? Where's my money." Kofi Smear campaign fact #2: Kofi was beating up Orton because Orton backed away from purchasing Kofi's "goods." Loved that "awww refs are pulling Kofi away oh wait here he comes back oh my gosh" bit. Nice tactic.

I also liked how Cole defended Kofi fighting a bully as "standing up for himself." That's good to know. Because at the start of the year, Edge screwed Kofi out of the Elimination Chamber and as I recall, Kofi apologized to Edge for getting in his way.

Next we'll find out that Evan Bourne swears like a sailor and comes down to the ring with the Godfather "Ho Train." Is that how it goes? Think I'll go downtown and ask a pimp.

It was a MSG moment, a Kofi moment, and a WWE moment. Namely because when people see it, they'll go, "Wait. Somebody other than Cena, Triple H, or Shawn Micheals did that to Orton? Wha?"

-Cena is here to pump up the PPV...and he's got nothing. Actually, WWE did accomplish one thing. It made me wish the marshmallow man from Ghostbusters was fighting in that Triple Threat. Maybe then we get an actual issue in this feud. People have farted out better storylines in Smackdown vs. Raw than this one, albeit with poor spelling and juvenile humor.

-Main Event was more of like a curtain bow for the top WWE stars. Thing felt like a PPV match. I'm telling ya, Cena vs. Undertaker at WrestleMania. Streak vs. Streak. Cena has to go into the "hometown" of the Dead Man. The Gravest Challenge II. And hey, a Cena PPV loss!

(credit to students.ithaca.edu, mannythemovieguy.com, 3.bp.blogspot.com and 1.bp.blogspot.com for pics)

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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