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ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - WWE Raw: Trust Funds Babies vs. Ex-Cons, Two Things for C.M. Punk Fans To Look Out For, DX and Cena To Break Sensational Record
Nov 10, 2009 - 8:38:14 AM
"And the shows are all the same
And there’s something I can’t name
The snickering on this flickering screen
The noise numbing my brain"
-"I Don Want To Be On T.V." by the Airborne Toxic Event
After thinking about it yesterday, it's not necessarily the $5 increase for a WWE PPV that has most people steamed. It's the fact that WWE felt that the best course of action for their PPVs was a price increase when their PPVs lately do not "justify" such a price increase. Maybe it was announcing the PPV price increase after Bragging Rights went down. Or the ignorance of their dwindling PPV buys. Or the lack of quality of the PPVs. Or the cheesy concept PPV notion. Or the fact that you might be paying for a PPV that has a "The Great Khali-Santina Kissing Cam" segment.
-I'll give credit to Ricky Hatton. He did his best Ricky Gervais out there.
-Speaking about guest hosts, you know who would be a good one? Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chad Ochocinco. Did you catch him trying to bribe the official? This guy has more charisma than most of the duds wrestling trots out.
In large part, I felt a bad sense of deja vu on this Raw. Sure, WWE has the same old characters doing pretty much the same old things from years back, but I wouldn't be shocked if this Raw was the same exact segment by segment of last week's Raw.
In rehashing old ideas, Big Show says that Hatton should punch him in the chin ala boxer Floyd Mayweather. Sigh. I can see why many wrestling fans have stopped watching WWE because it's all too familiar.
-Alicia Fox might be a new face that we have been clamoring for, but sadly we get stuck with more "underwater wrasslin." Meanwhile Gail Kim is left standing around ringside cheering on ... Kelly Kelly.
-WWE runs with the "Jamie Noble might never again lace up his boots." Solid stuff for Sheamus, who has some of the more dangerous moves. (Outsider's Edge, in my view, isn't as dangerous as a Border Toss, Canadian Destroyer, or a Gringo Cutter, but I still get nervous whenever somebody does it.)
-Sheamus tonight had to face an Englishman jobber. I gave the jobber a chance, since last year a "hometown Englishman jobber" beat MVP at one point. (Lesson: don't anger WWE management. Just look at Punk.)
-Good to see Miz bouncing back from his Cena setback (where he was portrayed as a total loser) and having a character that people can respond to. Meanwhile, what's up with Jack Swagger? Man delivers "realistic" promos like he was looking at a cue card. It's hard at this point to see the benefit for Swagger if he is involved in a feud with Miz since Swagger is the "dumbest man in professional wrestling" and more people care about Miz.
-Mark Henry and MVP do their best to pump up Kofi Kingston. We're possibly looking at a "unique" match at the TLC PPV (ugh...can't WWE go back to "Armageddon?") with Kofi facing Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes in a handicap match. But then again, I keep hearing that Ted DiBiase is going to be face soon due to the Marine II DVD being released this year. Anyways, I say that Kofi should go after the little pups first before attacking the big dog.
-Like it or not, the "black guys portrayed as criminals" is always, always going to be a staple in wrestling, just like xenophobia and wrestling. Is it stupid? Very much so (hell, I would think Legacy would have more criminal acts on the record, but apparently they are choir boys). But it's a clear simple thing that the majority can connect to. They can connect to the "hoodrats" beating up those spoiled rich boys coming from high society. Is it sad that the only face character MVP can play is the "ex-convict" one? Yeah. But this tactic does work (even though it doesn't move things forward).
-I think that sometimes people talk about the "old days" and think of them as the good times. Right now, the major players in the wrestling market (WWE, TNA) have some serious flaws in their product. But there are always going to bad ideas and bad parts, no matter what time. We had Boogeyman. The '90s had Max Moon. The '80s had the Ultimate Warrior. It all works out in the end.
-Coming up next is wrestler Chavo Guerrero vs. boxer Ricky Hatton. Loser has their respective industry die.
Wrestling and boxing are bed fellows. Both industries tend to be looked down upon as being corrupt. I think why Chavo got so much offense with his match with Hatton is that WWE at least realizes that they can't portray Chavo as completely inept. If you listen to a regular Chavo match, you will often hear the announcers talking about how Chavo does have some credibility to him. And also, it's Hornswoggle job to kick Chavo's ass.
-Raw's new theme song is that Nickelback song. Nickelback is the #1 rock band in America. And #2 is me on a kazoo. I should be thankful that I don't have to hear that damn "Woo-ahhh I just wanna be loved" song anymore.
-Crowd sign: "J.R. is overrated." Whoa there, pardner. Next you will be telling me that Gordon Sollie stinked.
-WWE announcers ran down the Survivor Series line-up. It's Team Orton vs. Team Kingston with all of the wrestlers on-screen. Who's the bum in the top right corner? Who the hell is that? Oh, that's former world champion C.M. Punk. Two things for Punk fanboys to look out for:
(1) If at any point WWE does not mention that C.M. Punk was a three-time World Heavyweight champion in the lead-up to the Survivor Series match (only Orton and Punk in that Survivor Series match have been World Champions), then you know that WWE has fallen out in love with Punk and wants to portray him as a mid-carder.
(2) If the ref for that Survivor Series match is Scott "I'm A Man" Armstrong, you may as well start crying.
-The buildup for the triple threat match for John Cena vs. HBK vs. Triple H will be remembered as "The Feud That Had The Most Gay Euphemisms Mentioned." They are sure as hell shooting for the record. I can't wait for what they come up next week. I know that I'm supposed to be excited about their PPV match-up, but screw that, I want to hear the next gut-busting line!
That whole bit was mind-numbing. I might just be a WWE sheep with an IQ of a kumquat, but several things did pop into my mind while watching this counter-productive car wreck...
(1) Cena shouldn't try to do his best Napoleon Dynamite impression or any sort of humor. Ever. If the man ain't talking about doo doo he just doesn't have anything.
(2) It's possible that a Triple H vs. HBK feud can stem from their beefing with Hornswoggle's DX gimmick infringement.
(3) There's no need to separate Raw's triple threat match from Smackdown's triple threat.
(4) There's also no need to treat Raw's triple threat as a big deal.
(5) Instead of selling me that Raw's triple threat match will have three top performers going at it and that the match itself might be a MOTY contender, they are instead selling me on this: "DX will beat up on Cena. Then DX will fake argue with each other. Then DX will beat on each other. Blah blah blah."
WWE comedy sure is something else. Want to be a WWE writer? Here's how to know if you're on the right track. Forget what they say about you needing "two years of experience writing for a television show." Here's a picture. What would a typical WWE writer think?
If your answer was, "hurr hurr Cena only fires blanks hurr hurr hee hee," congratulations!
-Like last week, there was a special guest announcer while DX/Cena squared off against JeriShow. Next week it will be DX and Cena squaring off against JeriShow/Undertaker. Here's the question: Let's say that the next PPV is in six weeks? Could Raw write six weeks of good content? Sure. Depends on one's definition of "good."
Like the only good thing about Raw nowadays is the guest host.
But it's okay, since Hulk Hogan and TNA will sign Ric Flair, Stone Cold, The Rock, The Ultimate Warrior, The Nasty Boys, The Sultan, The Yeti, and The Ding Dongs. And don't forget Max Moon 3000. Ola lay!
(credit to yoursportsnightcap.com, kupywrestlinguniverse.com, cdn2.ioffer.com and blogs.ajc.com for pics)
Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com For all of you PS3 owners of Smackdown vs. Raw 2010, check out my Raven created wrestler. Type in the search words "Raven," "Absurd," and "McKinley." It's the bestest thing ever. Send feedback on this article to pwtorch@gmail.com and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.
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