Email This Article - Contact Us - VIP Sign-Up - Back to Home Page

|

POLITICAL NEWS: After weeks of running from her WWE background, former WWE CEO Linda McMahon made a dramatic reversal. In a shocking statement made on CNN's "Larry King Live," the Senate hopeful embraced her Sports Entertainment background, in an apparent attempt to use past storylines to her advantage.

"I'm not running from my WWE background anymore," Mrs. McMahon told Larry King. "My background with WWE has helped mold me into the person and candidate that I am today. And while I am a Republican, I want this left-leaning state to know that I consider myself a moderate. I hold some views that may surprise you.

"Because of my time in WWE, I understand the need for high quality heath care in America. You see, when Kane gave me that tombstone piledriver on Raw I had to be rushed to the hospital. If I didn't have health coverage I would have been stuck with a hospital bill in the tens of thousands of dollars. I can afford that. But what if it wasn't me, billionaire Linda McMahon who was the victim of that piledriver? What if it was, say, one of my employees? Say, a poor sap that can’t afford health care like Zack Ryder or that Chinese cowboy wrestler that we're going to release any day now? Those people would be tombstoned right into debt.

"Also, I am for social programs that benefit all, such as the Amber Alert System. If such a system had been in place in 1999, I would have learned much earlier that it was my husband Vince who colluded with the corporate ministry and arranged for my daughter Stephanie's abduction.

"I am also in favor of more funding for the mentally disabled. It was only a few short years ago that I suffered a nervous breakdown and was living in a sanatorium, unable to awaken from my catatonic state. While I had the funds to pay for the care that ultimately enabled me to rise out of my wheelchair and kick my husband in the balls, not all Americans do. And that's simply not fair.

"I must admit, however, that I am a believer in traditional marriage, and this has always been the case in the McMahon family. Even though my genetic jackhammer of a husband had an affair with Trish Stratus right in front of my comatose eyes, I stuck with him. And even though Triple H drugged my daughter Stephanie and forced her to marry him in a drive through Las Vegas wedding chapel, once that girl came to, I told her that she needed to stand by her man. Two children later, she has.

"The Hartford Courant newspaper tried to derail my campaign by running a story mocking some of our popular characters from the past, like Razor Ramon, Slick, and Psycho Sid.

"Slick? Heck, I'll be the Lady Doctor of Senate Style. They compared me to Psycho Sid, another compliment. I'll be one hell of a pitcher for the Senate softball league, and if anyone gets in my face about it, they might get a late night knock on the hotel room door and find me there with a pair of scissors and a squeegee, ready to kick some Senate ass.

"And Razor? Hey yo, Hartford Courant. Something happen to this campaign…something gonna happen to you.

"In fact, many of our characters have broadened my political points of view. I will always support welfare to work, otherwise one might turn out like Cryme Tyme. Jeff Hardy has taught me that drug addicts are somehow heroes, just as C.M. Punk has taught me that non-drug users are jerks. Randy Orton's actions have taught me that confessions can't always be secured through torture.

"And just wait until the general election. If my opponents think that my nailing good ol' J.R. in the nuts was something, once I win this primary, Chris Dodd's better watch his crotch. At that's if I'm a good mood. If he keeps acting like he knows more than the McMahons, Dr. Vince is going to pull Dodd's head right out of his ass.

"Not only does this country need a Senator to get it on the right track, it needs a Godfather to get it on the Ho Train! I may get knocked down, but like Bill Clinton and the Undertaker, I will always rise from the dead. And if you're not down with that, Linda McMahon's got two words for ya: Suck it!"

Marc Warzecha's "Warzecha Wire Service" satires run once a month in the Pro Wrestling Torch Newsletter online edition plus occasionally on PWTorch.com. He has been a PWTorch reader for 20 years and is a professional comedian.

Send feedback on this article to pwtorch@gmail.com and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.

For more BREAKING NEWS on WWE, TNA!
VISIT OUR AFFILIATE - PROWRESTLING.NET

For UFC & MMA NEWS & BLOGS:
VISIT OUR SISTER SITE - MMATORCH.COM

Upgrade to PWTORCH VIP: DETAILS & SIGN-UP INFO

(c) 1999-2009 TDH Communications Inc. - All rights reserved.