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ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - Free Wrestling PPV, Randy Orton's Voices, Miz blows up Hornswoggle with a Bazooka, Jericho tells us we're all Insipid, Axiomatic, Blubbery Maggot-Infested Walruses
Jun 19, 2009 - 11:45:06 AM
"Everybody rip, rip everybody off
Think you outta know this!
They're trying something
that they hope you don't notice"
-"Think You Outta Know This" by GWAR
-Not only does WWE have to worry about next week's Raw, they also have to worry about their next PPV "The Bash." Wait. Scratch that. I'm sorry, WWE. Of course I want to see the same guys fight each other for all time. Yes, give me more of Trips-Orton! It's all I care about!
The Bash will also feature C.M. Punk vs. Jeff Hardy. I was looking forward to Punk doing a "stuff it, you losers" moment, but instead fans are treated to the slow, boring battle of Punk's soul. "Am I really evil? Did I do such a bad thing?" Yawn.
WWE might be wondering why PPV buys are down across the board. Maybe simply that they're just too damn many of them. Of the time of this article, The Bash will be coming in ten days. Didn't fans already sit through the largely mundane "Extreme Rules?"
Oh, what the hell. The Bash will feature a Jericho match. So as a fan who has gone through puberty (which means I'm above WWE core demographic), of course I will plop down cash for the PPV. Right? That's what WWE believes.
-To some people $40 for a WWE PPV is nothing but a drop in a bucket. So it's not just the cost of the PPV. I am of the opinion that when people buy a wrestling PPV, in a sense they are agreeing with the wrestling organization itself. They approve of the wrestling build-up, they want to see the match-ups, they feel that the wrestling company respects them, and they feel that they are making a good choice in buying the PPV. There's nothing like the feeling when one buys a wrestling PPVs that completely goes underneath what the person expected. Nobody likes to get scammed out of their money.
If most of WWE PPVs have a gimmick with them, I wonder if "The Bash" shouldn't be a completely free PPV. It won't happen, but it would be nice. "The Bash" title and graphic are just silly. Not "The Great American Bash," which was canned because it had too many syllables in it. WWE is probably kicking themselves about "Survivor Series," because the word "Survivor" might upset some people.
-I keep wondering where exactly WWE is going to stop during their descent into making everything kid-friendly.
-I miss Vickie. What was refreshing about her is that she looked like a normal person. WWE is filled with balloon-armed male models and busty, shiny pants-wearing divas. It's hard to find somebody in WWE who looks like they hang out at your local Laundromat. She had a great wrestling character.
-On Raw, Miz shot Hornswoggle with a gun. Hornswoggle bled profusely from his little leprechaun testicles. Oh wait. Michael Cole has just informed me that the gun wasn't a real gun. Thank goodness. I thought poor Hornswoggle was going to be blown up by a bazooka and that the ring crew would be picking up his guts off of the floor. People would be picking parts of Horny from their hair. Would be a hell of a heel push for Miz if he did blow up Hornswoggle with a bazooka.
Word is that Horny wanted to be shot in the balls with a T-shirt gun by Miz. He pays hookers to do that to him all the time.
-MVP and Matt Hardy can get lost in the shuffle on Raw. Good for Miz for performing well in his bits. It seems that Raw puts Miz on an island and tests him to see if he can execute.
-On April 20, 2009, Chris Jericho wrestled his "farewell" match on Raw. He came back on Raw two months later to tell us how much Raw is sucking without him. Hear, hear.
-Carlito and Primo vs. Ted and Cody was announced for The Bash. I mean, after all, it is for the Unified tag team championship of the entire WWE Universe. So it's pretty damn big. Right? Sure. But it's hard to really care about it right now. Same with Trips vs. Orton. What are you gonna do, Trips? Re-threaten to break Orton's neck? Re-chase him with a sledgehammer?
I'm just counting the days until Orton completely snaps and breaks character. The voices inside his head are telling him to "stay cool, man. You have a job. You can't get future endeavored. Never mind that you're becoming a complete WWE tool. Stay cool."
-One wild guess is that with the recent burial of Evan Bourne on ECW (facing off with Mark Henry? Sorry, kid) is that he got busted for the Wellness Policy doohickey. I was convinced that during Sonjay "Top Heavy" Dutt's time in TNA, that he was on something. Or maybe Bourne told somebody that Zack Ryder's outfit was idiotic even for a "look at me!" character and management soured on him.
-Do like how WWE programming has more of those "Don't Try It At Home" bits. Bravo.
-Also bravo for Chris Jericho coming up with the most absurd lines like telling fans that they are insipid, bulbous, blubbery maggot-infested walruses or something. It would be something if Jericho pointed out that we're all just drones who like to get scammed out of our money.
-What, no Kozlov in the ECW championship scramble? Wasn't he gonna to take over the entire world when he got traded to ECW?
-I think too many kids get into wrestling with the wrong ideas set in place. They have big ideas about becoming a top star, but they don't want to sacrifice anything for it. I believe that in order to be a wrestler in a major wrestling organization, you will have to learn how to work with other people. You will have to tow the company line. You have to make your mark whenever you get your shot. And you will have to put up with backstabbing, politics, lies, nonsense, injuries, rumors, backstage gossip, and other forces against you. It's not a fairytale and I would like to believe that in the wrestling world what you put in is what you get out (though that's not always the case with some old stars). You have to know what's you're getting into, because if you don't really care about it, you can injure yourself and others while in the ring.
-WWE thinks that I just love to see the same stars fighting each other again and again and again and again. Why? Because if it worked before, it will work again. There's no need to make the fans actually care about the feud itself. Just plug in certain events and people will buy the PPV.
(credit to ww2.cox.com, randy-orton.com, and i6.ebayimg.com for pics)
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