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ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - Judgment Day PPV Review: WWE Continues Its Mission to Drive Away People Who Don't Sleep in John Cena PJs
May 18, 2009 - 11:40:23 AM |
By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist
" You ain't no gangsta
You'se a busta, a customer, a sucker
You fake fraudulent...
You ain't a gangsta...
We don't trust ya"
-"You Ain't No Gangsta" by 50 Cent
Comparison:
J-Day 2008 Poster: A psychotic madman welcomes you to hell.
J-Day 2009 Poster: A kid playing dress up welcomes you to jury duty.
"Screw the dress code. It's retarded...Maybe it's because I'm not good at it, or I'm a d---head in real life...People want to see messed up s---. So they watch Raw." (Herald Sun Interview.)
-Randy Orton 2008
"We’ll blow everyone’s socks off at Judgment Day with them...Right now though, I think we’re fine. I feel like everything is running its course. It’s going smooth." (U.K. Sun interview.)
-Randy Orton 2009
Randy Orton hears voices in his head. Their names are Vince and Paul.
Welcome to Judgment Day. Hope you atoned for your sins. And that you sacrificed $40. WWE: We're reliable. Mostly predictable.
Will they cut down the number of PPVs? No. This "PPV every month" way is to "lock in" viewers to get caught up in the drama. However, what it mostly leads to is subpar PPVs that are not really worth buying. Like Budget Day here.
Judgment Day to me was a good example of what the WWE is all about. It seems that this age of the "WWE Universe" will be marked by family friendly broadcasting, sterile but effective storylines, and a true lack of fire in the belly.
Punk vs. Umaga. On Smackdown it's been three weeks of this: Punk wants to cash in his briefcase. Umaga comes out of nowhere and stops him from doing so. How the hell does this happen? Does Umaga wait by the hot dog cart? Dunno.
Naturally WWE only points out the first time it happened. The last two weeks this tease has happened, they ignored it. Those darn hardcore wrestling fans. The ones who follow what's going on. So hardcore.
So Umaga and Punk are fighting because Punk is upset at the Samoa Bulldozer for blocking his chance to become World Champ. Umaga is upset because...um...(applies nerve hold on himself because he does this whenever he is out of options).
It's not Punk vs. Joe. Jim Ross goes on the offensive with talking about announcers who go "I had a chat with so and so." Oooh. Can I get a WWE/TNA announcers flame war? Because most of these wrestling feuds are not doing the trick.
Punk is wearing Chicago blue and orange. How cute. Punk is so cute. Yes he is! Cutey wutsey.
Not a great opening, as Umaga loves to do those darn nerve holds. The PPV opened up with a dragging "bottom of the seventh" snore fest.
Yep, I don't pay to see Punk in these types of matches. These "WWE'ed up" matches. Meaning Mr. Asshat dominates until Lord Puffypants gets a little fire in his belly in the last minutes of the match. Miraculously.
Umaga won this one. There's your possible new world champ, folks. C.M. Punk. The man who jobbed to Kane and Umaga recently in PPV matches.
WWE is trying out this crazy new thing of pushing somebody as they lose (recent example: MVP). Personally I'm glad that Umaga got the victory over that annoying Punk.
Umaga, happy with himself, talks to his thumb. "Cannonball! Gabba Gabba Hey!" And Punk has apparently forgotten to do a submission move. Why would you try to pick up somebody who easily outweighs you? Because you're Punk and you have the brain of a sea monkey, apparently.
Punk will probably respond with another month of cheesy "I'm going to cash in my briefcase, yay for me" crud. I really hate that Smackdown tease.
Show says to Vickie that he's gonna injure Cena. He won't get his attitude adjusted. No sir. Show doesn't know denial.
Woo woo! Here comes the Edge hype train. Jeff had no chance.
The ECW belt has got to be the biggest championship belt ever. It is dwarfing Christian.
Matt Striker plugs ECW. You see, their ratings are down. Why? Lack of dance/strip offs. And Joey Styles punking out some fool.
Nice. Swagger threw Christian into the pole.
Ugly. Christian bluntly sets himself up to be body splashed by Swagger.
Plot here is that Christian cheats to win. At "Extreme Rules" (or Judgment Day + Weapons), I can envision Christian, Swagger, Mark Henry, Tommy Dreamer, Finlay, and Evan Bourne in a six-man Singapore Cane match.
Edge tells Chavo that he should go beat up that "cross-dressing idiot" Santino. Hear hear.
It's Kofi Kingston vs. Shelton Benjamin. Kofi was amazing in this match. He did a double back flip off the diving board and the crowd went, "Holy S---." He did a lot of twirly and spinny moves. He leaped through a ring of fire. He walked on his hands. He managed to touch the tip of his nose with his tongue. It was awesome.
Yes, Kofi was...oh wait. It wasn't Kofi. It was John Morrison. "Innovative offense" is nice and all, but it's easily replaceable and prone to fan burnout. In my "favorite JoMo matches memory bank," I'll remember his matches with C.M. Punk and Evan Bourne. I'll choose to forget this one.
Shelton Benjamin will never, ever escape the mid-card. And after his performance, he should remain there. Being saddled with that anchor Charlie Haas doesn't help.
JoMo's flying spinny flippy pin off the top rope is called "The Star Shift" or something. Uh...
The Miz! All right! WWE is not totally asleep behind the wheel. And hey, maybe they won't do a "lesbian Santina kiss skit."
Miz compares John Morrison to Marty J. Comparing yourself to HBK. Wow.
"What? What? You sound like a bunch of ducks. Shaddup!" Ha ha.
Miz wants to face Cena, but Cena fears The Miz. Cena is a luvable loser, just like the Cubs. The Miz wants a Cena sub. So he picks...
Brian Urlacher!
Well, no. Would have been a hoot for Miz to call out Urlacher.
Instead we get...Cubs Alfonso Sariano or something.
His main contribution was smiling like a doofus and reacting to Miz's bashing like Miz was speaking in Mizerian.
"You're right, it is pretty cheap to bash the Cubs. Watch as I do it some more." I get the feeling that WWE leaves Miz stranded on an island to fend for himself with these bits. Okay. The Cubs suck. I get it. Really? Really?
Oh, here comes Santino. Will they go with the newness? Or will they continue with the stagnant WWE comedy?
Santino gets all facey and makes fun of Vickie for being a pig. Compares Kozlov to a Muppets character. And hey, subdued laughter from Lawler and Cole.
Miz and Santino scuffle. Miz punks him out. Chavo comes out to pick up the scraps. A possible Santino vs. Chavo feud doesn't look half bad. Santino would probably have to learn some offense. Unless they want Chavo to lose by tripping over his feet or something.
I don't doubt that "Santina" won't make an appearance on Raw's women matches. Or Hornswoggle to be the special ref. Something to keep fans from changing the channel. Because it sure ain't the ladies wrestling.
Jericho is a "conspiracy victim." His shtick got old fast on Smack. He needs an opponent. Otherwise we'll be too busy mocking him for his promos that always include phrases like "blubbery sycophants" and "mindless cockroaches."
It's Y2J vs. Mysterio. Story of the match is the "619." This match is not a "WWE formulaic match." It was enthralling. It was one of those matches that made me smile and I was sucked in. Could have been longer, but time had to be devoted to Show vs. Cena. Damn.
Benefits all around in this match: Rey Mysterio, Chris Jericho, the IC belt, and the notion that WWE PPVs aren't complete throwaways nowadays.
Up next, it's Dave vs. Randy. Randy cuts a promo about how Jericho vs. Mysterio screwed them for being so good.
To me, that "previous match screwed us" is a copout. Yes, it is understandable that the WrestleMania fans would be burned out. But that logic states that the rest of the card should stink so that the main event is well-received.
Great bands understand that while it is important to involve the crowd during their performance, ultimately whether the fans are into it or not does not dictate the performance. Regardless of how burned out the fans were, Orton vs. Trips was marked by a lack of fire. It was a real snoozer because the buildup did not match up to the payoff...and even then, the match itself was not a keeper.
I agree with Mr. Orton that their match was restricted by the ridiculous "don't get disqualified Trips!" rule, which was ignored by many.
I want to know who thought up the great idea that Orton should take the "bathroom break" during the opening to his Backlash match.
Yes, Orton might have punted Vince McMahon in the head and might have kissed a zonked out Steph in front of a cuffed Trips, but never have I witnessed a butchering of a character. In 2009 Randy Orton is placed to look idiotic in nearly every situation. "His character is meant to get little kids yelling at the screen" only goes so far. To me this castration of Orton's character isn't worth the sacrifice.
Great fan signs and art in the crowd tonight.
Orton vs. Batista started off hot, but then went into a slow gait of crud.
The match was sapped of its energy the moment Orton grabbed the pole and clung to it, wanting to get counted out to retain his title.
There's a difference between a coward and a quitter. Heels are cowards at heart, but their actions can be construed depending on the viewpoint of the subject. When Edge walked out of his non-title match with C.M. Punk, one can view it as smart or cowardly. Same thing with Christian using Swagger's tights to pin him. A veteran move. Or clubbing baby seals in the face, according to Matt Striker.
Orton is a quitter. I don't cheer or boo quitters. Because I don't watch quitters. I don't pay to see quitters.
But that's how the match played out. In the kayfabe sense, Orton thought he could hang with Dave. When things didn't go as well as planned, he tried to get himself DQed. And looked idiotic when he tried to do so.
With Orton, he plays the coward for the sole benefit of little kids to scream that Orton's a coward. I really don't get it. The character of Orton is appealing to only the kiddie demographic. Until Orton grows a set, I have lost all interest in his character. What's frustrating about it is that we can envision Orton sitting on top of the mountain top and carving his own name. But WWE had saddled him with this "male model coward" gimmick along with DiBiase and Rhodes. Does Orton need to play the idiotic coward? In the WWE universe he does.
WWE seems determined to have Orton chase away all of his hardcore following. He's not this psychotic ultra-badass. He's this jumbled confusing mess WWE constructed. Some moody male model whose cowardly ways go overboard and are embarrassing. He's like the heel John Cena - constructed, manufactured, and has little of a hardcore following.
Orton has become a WWE tool, plain and simple.
Match ends with DQ. No surprise here. Judgment Day + Weapons is only three weeks away. And many of these feuds will continue, but now with weapons.
Judgment Day 2008
-- WWE Champion Triple H vs. Randy Orton (Steel Cage Match)
-- Undertaker vs. Edge
-- John Cena vs. JBL
One Night Stand 2008
-- WWE Champion Triple H vs. Randy Orton (Last Man Standing Match)
-- Undertaker vs. Edge (TLC Match)
-- John Cena vs. JBL (First Blood Match)
Ric Flair comes in. Don't know why. Maybe just so WWE can hype up "anything can friggin happen! It's bedlam!" This will be the Budget Day hype commercials: Ric Flair, Matt Hardy, JoMo doing his flip, Cena lifting Show, and Orton picking his nose.
I wouldn't be surprised to see Ric Flair gets the punt of doom on Raw tonight.
In three weeks, Extreme Paintball comes your way. Wait. Extreme Bull riding? Extreme Disco? No, it's "Extreme Rules." Or "ER" for short. Still a bad name for a wrestling PPV.
It's Show vs. Cena. Oh no. The announcers are going crazy with the whole "internal injuries" bit. Look, I want to believe. Trust me. It's me who paid for the damn thing. It makes things much easier if I can convince myself to believe in the illusion. But the whole "Cena is injured" was such a crappy job. Give me something. Bruised ribs. Taped up. Could have gone with "numbness in his arms and legs." Anything. But WWE wasn't talking to me. No, this match was for those kiddies who sleep in Cena PJs.
This has nothing to do with being a "hardcore" wrestling fan. A common wrestling fan likes to be fooled by the magician. But they were lazy with the Cena injury bit, plain and simple. They didn't even bother. They might as well put up a graphic that said, "If you don't sleep in Cena PJs, this will be a bathroom break match."
I remarked that while watching the Backlash PPV I did fast-forward through some parts (namely the Orton six-man male model frenzy). But I can't remember the last time I fast-forwarded through an entire PPV main event. There was nothing for me here.
A full minute of Show doing a grand total of three body punches? Pass. The match failed because even if I wanted to see Cena beat up, it was all too predictable that he would win in the end.
Maybe this proves that I'm not a "true wrestling fan" (whatever that means). I don't care. Hey look, Cena wins. No one can doubt that the match worked, but this is not the type of wrestling execution (storyline, match) that I choose to emotionally involve myself in.
Edge vs. Jeff was solid. Did like it how after Matt committed his dastardly deed, the pad that he was hiding behind fell down, so that he was hiding behind the framework.
Might have seen our last Jeff Hardy WWE Title match, ladies and gentlemen. WWE has gotten on the Edge train.
I don't mind any belts changing hands. There were no horrendously bad bits on this PPV. I would only recommend Mysterio vs. Jericho. Everything else? Meh.
The PPV itself was serviceable, but after the end, there is more cause for concern than for fulfillment. Mysterio vs. Jericho proved that the old dogs can still work their magic. The Miz's promo (along with the hopefully repackaging of Santino) showed that WWE can still execute in bringing in fresh new faces. The rest was WWE garbage, through and through.
JUDGMENT DAY'S FINAL VERDICT: Very Absurd
(credit to impaawards.com, webhush.com, and s.bebo.com for pics)
Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com
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