By Marc Warzecha, WWS editor and Torch contributor

A WWS (Warzecha Wire Service) special report...

Legitimate news sources (i.e. not WWS) have reported that WWE has spent an unprecedented amount of money advertising WrestleMania 25. The build up to WrestleMania and the card itself have been widely panned by current WWE fans. However, WWE holds out hope that if they advertise the strong brand name of "WrestleMania" to old WWE fans, those fans will return to sample the product.

In order to help returning fans understand the product, WWE has created this special guide:

WRESTLEMANIA XXV: A VIEWING GUIDE FOR RETURNING FANS

Thank you for ordering WWE WrestleMania XXV on PPV! WWE's marketing and promotions department has identified you as a relapsed and returning WWE fan. To help you enjoy this Sunday's WrestleMania we have emailed/traditional mailed you this handy viewing guide to answer all of the questions you may have regarding WrestleMania XXV!

RETURNING FAN MAY ASK: What's up with that XXV thing? Is that a word?

WWE SAYS: XXV is 25 in roman numerals. You remember when we used to do that what you were a kid, right? Like Wrestlemaina VI?

RETURNING FAN MAY ASK: Oh yeah! WrestleMania VI was awesome! Hogan and Warrior! Is this year going to be as epic as that?

WWE SAYS: No.

RETURNING FAN MAY ASK: Wait a minute. It's WrestleMania twenty-five? Holy s**t, how old am I? I've gotta be too old to watch grown men in tights pretend to fight.

WWE SAYS: Good news! WWE has adjusted its product over the years to suit the 18-34 year old fan. Men in your age range love our new stars like John Cen… ah, we mean…Triple H!

RETURNING FAN MAY ASK: What's ww-E?

WWE SAYS: The World Wildlife Foundation (also WWF) sued us for the rights to exclusively use "WWF."

RETURNING FAN MAY ASK: You lost to the World Wildlife Foundation?! What a bunch of wussies.

WWE SAYS: Let's get into the show, huh?

MAIN EVENT: WWE Champion Triple H vs. Randy Orton.

RETURNING FAN MAY ASK: Who are these guys?

WWE SAYS: Randy Orton is a dastardly bad guy. Triple H is God. Triple H is trying to avenge his wife – Randy Orton attacked her. The wife is Stephanie McMahon, the daughter of Vince McMahon who –

RETURNING FAN MAY INTERRUPT AND ASK: What is this, General Hospital?

WWE SAYS: Anyway, it should be a great match. It's the Main Event.

MAIN EVENT: World Champion Edge vs. Big Show vs. John Cena

RETURNING FAN MAY ASK: I thought you said that the other match was the Main Event.

WWE SAYS: It is. There are TWO Main Events.

RETURNING FAN MAY SAY: What? That's stupid. And I thought you said the other match was for the Title.

WWE SAYS: There are TWO titles.

RETURNING FAN MAY ASK: What? That's stupid, too.

WWE SAYS: The story of this match is, well, more "General Hospital."

RETURNING FAN MAY ASK: Does anyone just wrestle because they want to win the title?

WWE SAYS: Not on this show.

Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels.

RETURNING FAN MAY ASK: These guys still wrestle?!

WWE SAYS: Yup. And they are really good. This should be the best match on the show.

RETURNING FAN MAY ASK: So why isn't this the Main Event?

WWE SAYS: Let's move on!

John Morrison and The Miz vs. Primo and Carlito Colon in a Lumberjack Match for the Tag Team Titles.

RETURNING FAN MAY ASK: There are two tag team titles, too?

WWE SAYS: Yeah.

RETURNING FAN MAY ASK: So you're going to unify those titles but not unify the World Title.

WWE SAYS: Yeah.

RETURNING FAN MAY ASK: Why is it a lumberjack match?

WWE SAYS: Just to get a bunch of guys a WrestleMania appearance and payday. Let's move on!

Chris Jericho vs. Roddy Piper, Jimmy Snuka, and Ricky Steamboat with Ric Flair and Mickey Rourke.

RETURNING FAN MAY SAY: THESE guys are still wrestling?! Oh my God. Shouldn't that be against the law or something? How old are they, like 90? And is Jericho facing all of those people? Mickey Rourke – the actor? What the hell is going on here?

WWE SAYS: Let's move on!

Matt Hardy vs. Jeff Hardy: Brother vs. Brother, Extreme Rules match.

RETURNING FAN MAY ASK: What's an extreme rules match?

WWE SAYS: It means that there are no rules.

RETURNING FAN MAY ASK: So it's a "No Rules" match.

WWE SAYS: A "No Rules" match is now called an "Extreme Rules" match.

RETURNING FAN MAY ASK: How can the rules be extreme if there are no rules?

WWE SAYS: The idea of having no rules is an extremely extreme situation, hence "Extreme Rules!"

RETURNING FAN MAY GIVE UP AND SAY: Whatever. Did you say they are brothers?

WWE SAYS: Yes! They hate each other so much that in this match they will surely destroy each other by any means necessary.

RETURNING FAN MAY ASK: I could never to that to my brother, no matter what he did.

WWE SAYS: Ahh… let's move on!

Rey Mysterio vs. JBL.

RETURNING FAN MAY ASK: Who's that little guy? Is this a joke? He's too small to beat anyone.

VINCE MCMAHON SAYS: My point exactly, Goddammit! Somebody show this guide to the goddamn writers so they'll shut the hell up for a while!

Money in the Bank Ladder Match: CM Punk, Mark Henry, Kane, Shelton Benjamin, MVP, Kofi Kingston, Christian, Fit Finlay

RETURNING FAN MAY ASK: (a) They fight with ladders now? (b) Who are these guys? (c) Who are the good/bad guys?

WWE SAYS: (a) Yes! Cool, huh? (b) WWE Superstars (c) We don't know. I mean, we don't really do that anymore. We present real-life characters that are more shades of gray than black and white. Or something like that.

25 Diva Battle Royal.

WWE SAYS: Just shut up and look at the chics.

Special Attractions: Mickey Rourke (maybe), Kid Rock, and girl from the Pussycat Dolls

RETURNING FAN MAY ASK: Where's Austin, Hogan, and Rock? Where are the mainstream stars like Muhammad Ali? This is the Silver Anniversary of Wrestlemaina, right?

WWE SAYS: Thanks for the $55!

Email WWS editor Marc R. Warzecha at TorchWarz@yahoo.com.

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